Selina Skies
November 25, 2019 4:09 AM
The Bonfire - Let it All Drift Away by Selina Skies
In the centre of the Quidditch pitch stood the makings of a fire. Not yet lit, Selina supposed a more accurate description was ‘a large formation of wood.’ And yet, everyone knew its purpose, the thing it was about to become. It was a fire-in-waiting. To one side of it were gathered tents where the students would spend the nights in groups of three or more. That was up to them to choose and arrange, and the tents would sort themselves out accordingly. There was a dividing line down the middle to stop boys crossing into girls’ tents and vice versa, and a rule of three minimum because the staff were not naïve enough to think that such a line ruled out the possibility of couples sharing.The headmaster stood, officially opening the end of term event and announcing the house cup winners. For the first time that she could remember, it was a dead heat, with Teppenpaw and Pecari tying. After that, as the midsummer event required more lengthy explanation, and one with feelings at its centre, the actual ceremony around the fire had been handed over to Selina.
“Thank you headmaster, and congratulations to Teppenpaw and Pecari,” she smiled. “I have quite a lot of talking to do this evening, so I have enlisted some help.” She waved her wand, and from behind the stage three portraits came forward and floated down to the ground, leaning back against the stage. This had been an idea she had got courtesy of one student in particular during the challenges, and the familiar face of Professor Schmitt was amongst the portraits now lined up. Normally, the international students had to get along as best they could – they had come to an English medium school after all – but given some of the themes of her speech, and its complexity, she had wanted to make sure she was including them.
“Miss Barres speaks Russian,” she gestured to the portrait of a slender ballerina in the centre – she had been more challenging to find, as – although her English was somewhat accented – she had clearly anglicised her name, besides which the number of Russian-speakers was overall far fewer, and “Mr. Le Croix speaks French,” French-speakers were easier, as there were any number of Pureblood paintings who had studied languages, but Mr. Le Croix had the benefit of being a native speaker, and had seemed amicable. She had not included a Chinese-speaking picture owing to the fact that Dorian would not need to be listening to two portraits at once (in reality, he probably needed to listen to none at all, but there were other French-speaking students in the school, and it seemed rude not to include it). “If anyone would like to come closer to hear them, you are welcome to.
“For our bonfire this year, we have looked into traditions surrounding fire. Many cultures use fire in celebrations and in ceremonies. First and foremost, fire drives out the dark. In some cases, this is literal. Where winters are cold and dark, fire is often celebrated as the force that will drive out the cold and bring light in the new year. In Fukoka, Japan, the Oniyo ceremony is used to drive away evil spirits, and many other similar traditions exist worldwide. In other places, fire cleanses – it gets rid of the old and allows space for the new. In Hindu practise, fire ceremonies called yajna clear obstacles that would prevent us achieving a spiritual balance.
“We did not want to mimic a ritual that belongs to someone else, but we did want to take the idea of celebrating fire. We have a diverse number of cultures interacting here, making up our own Sonora culture, and that in itself is worth celebrating. We also saw the same ideas recurring again and again in the fire ceremonies of the world – burning away the bad, inviting in the good, cleansing and making offerings.
“It has probably been a difficult year for all of you, at some points,” there were some cases, of course, where they knew that to be true. It felt like it had been a heavy year. But even without that, there were the many cases of every day suffering that made up life in general, and adolescence in particular. “It may not seem like it from where each of you is standing. It may seem like almost everyone around you is so much more certain, so much surer and so much happier than you. However, this time of your lives is filled with uncertainty for all of you, as you discover who you are, where your place is in the world, what your voice and your magic mean to you, and what you want to use them to say and do.
“We hope we can help you with those problems. Not with the kind of magic that flashes and transforms the world in an instant, but with the more old-fashioned kinds. Listening. Patience. Love. And we wanted to take our fire tonight as a chance to let go of some of those feelings, some of the things that may have weighed you down. We are going to light the fire at the end of this speech. After that, you will have an hour to mingle, to spend time with your friends and get some food. All good things that help the soul. You will also have the choice of adding something to this box,” she held up a simple looking black wooden box. “Something that has weighed you down, something you’re afraid of – something you would rather was off your mind. After an hour, we will be pouring those parchments onto the fire. The smoke has been enchanted to spell out what is written on the papers. You can watch your fears, and the things you’ve been holding onto, drift up and break apart as the smoke dissipates. And maybe that will leave you feeling a little lighter. Try to imagine what you would say if a friend came to you with the same problem." The technique was page one of the psychology textbook, but it had stayed that way for a long time for good reason. "We often find it easier to be kind to others than to ourselves, and to see solutions as meaningful if we were giving rather than hearing them.
“Some practicalities. Firstly, what you write will be visible to others in the smoke. Participating is a choice – you do not have to,” these two points had been made already but were worth reiterating. “You do not have to admit who you are in what you write. If there are any things, such as your use of English or your spelling, that would give you away, and if you would like corrected, please note it on your paper. The staff will read the papers before they go into the fire, in order to check for anything inappropriate,” she stated. Sonora students were, on the whole, well behaved, but they were teenagers. Given the recent contributions to the bathroom décor, she could not rule out the idea of this exercise being used to spread gossip. Or, for the more childish amongst them, to simply try to create giant smoke letters spelling out obscenities. The thought of a litany of swearing drifting into the ether was almost amusing enough, almost a good enough break to the tension that had been pervading the year, that she would have been quite tempted to let it pass.
“Please sign your paper with an ‘x’ using the quill provided. This allows us to trace the papers back to their writers. We will only do this in two circumstances. Firstly, if we think that someone is trying to write hurtful things or start rumours about other people. Secondly, if what you write makes us fear for your or someone else’s safety.
“The box is going to be placed behind a variation of the disillusionment charm. Whilst you will all be able to see the box, your attention will have a tendency to wander away from it. Thus anyone who chooses to place something in the box can do so knowing that their classmates will not really notice them doing so,” she explained. The one complication with this that she had not thought to address was if two people crossed that line at the same time. If they found themselves inside the enchantment together, perhaps it would not be quite so effective.
“If anyone has questions or concerns about this, please come to see me. We hope this activity will be a chance for you to get things off your mind, and to clear your thoughts before the summer.”
OOC – welcome to the fire! I hope the above is clear. If you have questions, you can ask me in chatzy. There will not be a separate post of the papers going on the fire. You may post your character engaging in any of the fire activities - spending time with friends, putting their paper in the box, watching theirs or others’ words in the smoke, or settling down in their tent for the night.
Subthreads: Unsure what to do by Sapphire Brockert with Jezebel Reed-Fischer
Fire, Inside and Out by Evelyn Stones with Heinrich Hexenmeister
This adventure's over (tag any D&Der) by Kir McLeod with Gary Harper, Connor Priory
Looking forward, not back by Winston Pierce with Emerald Brockert
Like sands through the hourglass. by Jessica Hayles with Felipe De Matteo
The sister of my sister is my sister (tag Ellie) by Anya Delachene with Ellie Alperton
I mouth the words I think I wanna speak by Dorian Montoir
Any Welkomme to Deutsch Tent by Hilda Hexenmeister with Johana Leonie Zauberhexen, Sophia Priory
Going out on a limb (Tag Jasmine Delachene) by Gary Harper with Jasmine Delachene
The End by Natalie Atwater
Escape plans by Beau Tate
Let it go by Ivy Brockert
Who wants to chaperone? (Tag Tatiana or Lyssa) by Ness McLeod
Letting go and holding on. by Simon Mordue with Nathaniel Mordue
13
Selina Skies
The Bonfire - Let it All Drift Away
26
1
5
Evelyn Stones
November 25, 2019 12:43 PM
Fire, Inside and Out by Evelyn Stones
It was the end of the school year, decidedly Evelyn's least favorite time of the year. With three months spanning in front of her and little of it stable, it was hard to imagine a less exciting prospect than summer. As she felt terrible taking advantage of the McLeods' kindness, she insisted upon staying most of the summer at her own house with her father and CJ, and only taking week-long trips to the McLeods' as often as she felt was appropriate and as often as they would allow. She wasn't yet sure what that would look like, but she knew it would be decided in coming days and letters, so she didn't mind. It also meant she would see more of Ms. Heidi, which she was always glad of, and that she would spend more time reading for fun, playing with Edgar, and maybe getting to know her brother better. At the same time, little of that promised a good time. Such things were never really promised.While this school year had felt like a turning point for Evelyn, and indeed her control of magic had improved significantly over the months, summer was her bane. It seemed like her bad wolves were much stronger at home than they were at Sonora, and it was the sort of thing that made her wonder if maybe she was just a bad wolf in a good wolf's outfit. Perhaps she was just the same sort of terrible as her parents. Well... not the same in some ways, that was certain. But in other ways, she wasn't so sure.
Her fifteenth birthday was also looming, a fact which reminded her that she was behind, and embarrassed her. While she hadn't grown any taller for some time and was now smaller than most, if not all, of her yearmates, she still hated that she would remain at Sonora when she was eighteen instead of graduating at seventeen like she should have. It was particularly frustrating now that she was friends with Heinrich and had an idea what her life might have looked like if she had gone to Sonora at the right time. They would have been in the same year then. Of course, she wouldn't want to give up her friendship with Ness in particular just for that, so she tried to focus on that idea as she made her way to the bonfire.
Professor Skies spoke, which Evelyn always appreciated. She looked on with favor at the witch who had quite literally changed Evelyn's life, and felt emotions she didn't know the words for welling up inside her as the speech finished. She had no intention of writing anything for the fire, as she didn't have anything she wanted to get off her chest that she would be comfortable with her classmates seeing. At the same time, the promise of relative anonymity was tempting, and she couldn't help wondering what she would put in the fire if she were going to. Labels for all the boxes she compartmentalized came to mind and she shoved everything back away, imagining a locked storage unit and a key drifting to the bottom of the ocean. She didn't want to start unpacking those things anytime soon.
Instead, Evelyn turned her attention to the people around her. Throngs of students bustled about and the sound of laughter bubbled over their heads, as it always did in groups like this. Evelyn thought that was interesting and wondered what her contribution was to the sound cloud that mulled over the student body when they sat down for meals or gathered for such end of year events as the bonfire. She wondered what her contribution was to anything at all.
She thought to look for one of her friends, but decided that maybe she'd let fate have its go this time and let one of them - or somebody else - find her. Besides, bonfires reminded her of those she'd seen dotting the Oregon coast at night, and she had plenty to reminisce about while waiting for someone to hang out with. Perhaps she'd meet a new friendly face, or perhaps she would get to see a friend, or perhaps she would be alone. She suspected still, even after everything, that perhaps the last of these was where she was meant to be.
I am not alone, she thought to herself, forcing herself to listen to the internal voice that reminded her again of Ness, Heinrich, Ms. Heidi, and so many others. Maybe, just maybe, she had something to write down after all.
22
Evelyn Stones
Fire, Inside and Out
1422
0
5
Heinrich Hexenmeister
November 25, 2019 6:13 PM
Watch it Burn by Heinrich Hexenmeister
Heinrich did not think he needed the help of Professor Schmitt, but most the other languages spoken at the school were getting translators, too, so he thought maybe he ought to stand close enough to hear the former German professor, in case Professor Skies was going to talk about something he didn't know the vocabulary for off the top of his head. Still, he tried to listen to Skies more than Schmitt, but found himself bouncing his attention back and forth between them. He thought he'd understood her well enough - there had been a few sentences that had gotten away from him, as there usually were, but he'd followed the gist of it anyway - but when Professor Schmitt translated to Hilda and the other Germans, he discovered he had missed some of the subtleties. It made him wonder how much of his class lectures were getting lost, too, but the only thing he could do about that, he was already doing - continuing to improve his English comprehension and reading every piece of supplemental information he could find. His grades were ticking up from an E overall average to a low O average, so he must be doing something right.Once the deputy headmistress finished providing them with the bonfire's activities and agenda, and he was able to think about what he'd heard instead of just comparing the English sentences to the German ones, he began to worry. First and foremost, there was the issue of three to a tent. He was the only Aladren in his year, and he'd never had to share with a sibling, so he was unaccustomed to having company while he slept (other than Evelyn that one time) and he didn't think he would like it (though it had been just fine with Evelyn).
Unfortunately, there were boy tents and girl tents, so Evelyn wasn't even an option, and neither was Hilda. He had no other friends.
He supposed there were Dorian and Isaac from his challenge team, but they probably both had friends that they were already planning to tent with. Dorian in particular seemed to have a large circle of friends. Isaac was a seventh year and probably too cool to spend the night with a fourth year. Gary was only a year older than him and also in Aladren and not in Dorian's group like Jehan, so he was a possibility, but Heinrich wasn't in his club. Heinrich didn't know exactly what 'D&D' was, but it looked like some kind of game from what he'd seen when he passed by their table in the library, and they might want to play that all night long.
Maybe Parker? Parker seemed like he had the same problem Heinrich did - his best friend was a girl, and his sibling was a sister.
In his own year, Nathaniel had other family, only one of which was a girl, and the two Pecaris were already roommates with each other and probably comfortable in each other's unconscious presence, though they'd need at least one more. In Evelyn's year, there were Julius and Mahliki, both of which were friends with Evelyn, too, he'd gathered, but which he didn't think got along with each other, and he didn't know either of them very well at all, otherwise they could maybe do a Evelyn's Friends Tent.
Going younger than them, he would probably be kind of scary and intimidating, as they were all beginners and he was a fourth year so they'd never even shared a class. There was Freddie in that age group, who might be willing, based on their common language and their sisters being best friends, but Heinrich thought it would be kind of weird for him to tent with a first year. Freddie, from what he'd seemed of him, seemed friendly and cheery and probably had lots of friends his own age anyway. So not Freddie either.
But that was a problem he had time to think about. He only had one hour to decide if he wanted to burn any worries away in the fire. He had no shortage of worries, starting with the immediate 'I have no friends or acquaintances who I'd be comfortable sharing a tent with' and going all the way down to 'I'm afraid I'm genetically a bad person and doomed to turn to evil because my parents were both dark magic assassins.'
Neither extreme was something he wanted to show up for the whole school to see, but he was sure he could find something in the middle that was vague enough that it wouldn't implicate the Hexenmeister family when it burned up in smoke before everyone.
Of course, if he was burning it away, it had to be a worry he was willing to give up. Most of his worries . . . he didn’t want to give up. That’s why he worried about them. If they weren’t worth worrying about, he’d have let them go already. They were things he wouldn’t feel right not worrying about.
So he couldn’t write anything about his concerns about Hilda’s English because those were valid. He couldn’t write anything about his exams next year because they hadn’t happened yet. He couldn’t write about how he might go Dark because that worry was what was stopping it from happening.
Though he guessed maybe he could try to release the fear of being found out. Professor Brooding knew. Professor Hawthorne knew. Johana Leonie knew. Evelyn knew some of it if not the charge and length of sentence. None of them blamed him for his parents’ sins. He didn’t doubt there would be snide comments or people who avoided him if it became public knowledge, but . . . not the important people, not the ones who knew him.
Admittedly, that was, like, Evelyn and Professor Brooding, and they already knew or almost did. He was not good with sharing personal details about himself with others, and that was unlikely to change, so really did it matter? He already had the only friend he was likely to have even if the secret stayed secret.
So he wrote it down, checked it against his German-English dictionary to make sure he had all of the spellings right, and then he put it in the box before he lost his nerve.
He wandered a little, got some food, almost approached a few people who might possibly accept him into their tent but then decided now was not the time to bother anyone about it yet.
Then it was time for the smoke messages, and Heinrich gravitated toward Evelyn. He watched nervously as the first concern floated up in the smoke and flinched visibly when it was his. He had asked for teacher intervention on his grammar, and some of the words were slightly rearranged to how he had written it, but he still knew it was his.
I release the fear that people will not like me if my secret is known.
As it faded and the next emerged, he did feel the fear shrink. A new fear rose that it would only be temporary, so he took that moment to cast a privacy charm before he leaned over and whispered to Evelyn (privacy charm or not, this was something that could only ever be whispered), “My parents are dark wizards. They have life in prison because they killed much people. The Hexenmeister Assassins are my mom and dad.” And I am afraid I will become like them, he did not say now, but he had said it in the past, and now she knew exactly how scary that would be if he did.
And the release of fear was temporary. Now it was back stronger than ever and he was terrified that she wouldn’t like him anymore. That it would be different being the kid of dark wizards than it was of being the kid of common crooks, and she couldn’t tolerate that darker stain. It was all he could do to stay where he was and not run off and hide forever.
1
Heinrich Hexenmeister
Watch it Burn
1414
0
5
Evelyn Stones
November 25, 2019 8:13 PM
I think I might be burning. by Evelyn Stones
CW: All the usual warnings that go along with mentions of Evelyn's home life and past.There was something odd about standing in the relative darkness with Heinrich. They had been in more intimate situations before, as their friendship had taken off after napping together, but it was different when they chose to be close. It wasn't even really very intimate, but it felt important somehow. Of all the people and all the faces and all the moments, this moment was theirs.
Evelyn wondered whether Heinrich was dealing with the same issues that she was with regards to finding tentmates. She was pretty sure that Ness was technically allowed to stay in a tent with her, and she sort of wanted to take advantage of that since that wasn't something they could do normally being in different Houses, and wasn't something Ness' parents allowed when Evelyn stayed with the McLeods. At the same time, she wasn't sure whether she wanted to share a tent with Ness and and someone else, unless maybe that person was Heinrich but that was impossible and she would die of embarrassment to ask. Plus, what if she woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack? What if she forgot who it was that had fallen asleep next to her and she hurt him? No, it was better that she returned to her own bed that night, unless Ness particularly had someone in mind and asked her to share.
She had spent most of the last hour on her own, only making polite small talk with people, cracking jokes and laughing about nothing in particular, and she had found herself by The Box with only a few minutes left before the deadline. She even got a piece of paper and wrote a secret on it. But she didn't put it in the box. Professor Skies already knew most of what her life was about, but would undoubtedly worry, and Evelyn had no desire to deal with the followup. Besides, Evelyn had seen the newspapers all term and didn't care for any sort of investigation that would put her family in the papers, too. She had tucked the paper with her secret into her pocket, opposite the Quaffle rock, and stepped outside of the enchantment, feeling a heavy weight in her stomach.
Finding a good spot to watch the smoke messages as they emerged, far enough from the light of the fire and any eavesdroppers that she could feel her feels and not worry about whether she laughed or cried, Evelyn looked up when Heinrich approached. A smile crossed her expression and she settled into the newness of having company. There was a certain static in the air, the kind that always lingers when two people are close enough to touch and it's too dark to tell exactly how close they are. It made Evelyn's stomach feel twisted instead of heavy, which was a nice change if nothing else. She was frustrated with herself for the nerves that flitted into her throat, though, too, and the way her eyes darted around to find the best direction to run should she need to. But she wouldn't need to, because this was Heinrich and Heinrich had never hurt her. Would never hurt her.
The first message to emerge didn't help, as Evelyn found that she wholeheartedly related to it. She felt dirty and sad and all the anger that she didn't normally let herself feel came back. She wanted to cry, but she didn't want Heinrich to feel like he had to comfort her. She wanted to throw something, but that was very bad wolf. She wanted to... she wanted to tell someone. But she couldn't do that, could she? It wasn't worth it, because telling a secret meant acknowledging it, and if she pretended it never happened, that it was just a bad dream, then she would be okay. Everything would be okay.
Heinrich murmured something then, which drew Evelyn's attention. It was just as well that it did, because he then leaned towards her. Her skin felt like it was on fire and she closed her eyes instinctively, freezing in place. But Heinrich wouldn't hurt her.
"My parents are dark wizards. They have life in prison because they killed much people. The Hexenmeister Assassins are my mom and dad."
Everything rushed out of Evelyn, then. All the fear and the anger and the grief. She was much more full of worry than anything else. She imagined a young Heinrich without those mysterious eyes, wondering what was going on and why everything was bad all of a sudden, and then it made sense because they weren't mysterious eyes, they were scared eyes. They were the eyes of someone who had hurt too much and been scared too often. They were eyes with a brick wall and Fort Knox on the other side.She looked up at Heinrich and wondered, not for the first time, what he saw in her eyes. Was it too dark now to tell?
His parents had killed people. His parents were famous assassins. His parents were dark wizards. His parents had left their children to hurt and grieve and figure it out on their own. His parents would never get out and Heinrich would never get to have his family back.
Everything came back to Evelyn in a rush that almost made her dizzy. The anger towards her own parents redirected to include Heinrich's. The grief she felt redirected to include Heinrich. The happiness she felt at having found a friend like him shifted a little bit with a renewed understanding of how much it maybe meant to Heinrich, too. The gratitude she had felt towards Professor Wright was particularly renewed, as nothing burst into flames or anything, and she thought that she'd definitely need to send him a basket of chocolate or some fancy stationary for Christmas.
Some part of her recognized that the secret she'd seen in the sky, the one she'd so related to, was probably Heinrich's.
"You're not your parents," she said emphatically. "And I will be your friend as long as you want me to be."
Evelyn didn't really mean to move, particularly as she only really ever moved toward people if it was Ness, or sometimes Malikhi. She'd hugged Julius once, but that was mostly to see whether he'd actually give her a hug. On the whole, she liked hugs. She just didn't give them away lightly, whether they were serious to other people or not. But she hadn't moved toward Heinrich before, a glaring oversight now that she thought more about it.
Her arms went up around him and she pressed her cheek against his chest, putting all the love and concern she could into her hug. Hugs were warmth and nice smells and safety, and that's what she wanted to give Heinrich.
"Thank you for telling me," she murmured.
Then she thought of Ness, and how grateful she had been to learn about consent. Having bodily autonomy had made all the difference in Evelyn's life at Sonora, and she had just stolen that from Heinrich. She had done what her father had always done, and the entire idea made her feel sick again. But this moment wasn't about her, so she forced that thought away, locking it up with the piece of paper in her pocket.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't just hug you like that without asking first," she said, jerking away. "Are you okay?"
OOC - If Heinrich would move with lightning speed to intercept a hug before contact happened, feel free to say so and I can retcon or leave it as is. I don't THINK I godmodded, but wanted to be sure.
22
Evelyn Stones
I think I might be burning.
1422
0
5
Heinrich Hexenmeister
December 03, 2019 6:27 PM
Rise from the Ashes by Heinrich Hexenmeister
Professor Hawthorne had said it. Professor Brooding had said it. Now Evelyn said it, too. Heinrich did know that he was not his parents. He was his own person. He could make his own choices. He knew that. Mom was not Dad, and neither of them were him. They were three separate people, each responsible for their own lives. Two of them had made very bad choices in those lives and were in prison for that. Heinrich was not. Heinrich was here, in America, going to school, with people who had never heard the name Hexenmeister other than as the brother and sister pair who spoke poor English upon arrival. In many ways, they had been spared the consequences of their parents' actions by that very anonymity, but not completely. They still were thrust into an unfamiliar country, forced to speak in an unfamiliar language, and sent to live with an uncle they had never met before they arrived at his front door. They'd had to leave everyone and everything they'd known before and start over.And there was the constant fear, the terror that someone might break that anonymity.
It wasn't exactly broken now, but Evelyn knew. One more person was in on the secret. But that was okay. It was. He trusted Evelyn. He told Evelyn. On purpose. And she still wanted to be his friend.
He breathed a little easier at that assurance.
And then. And then she. She hugged him.
He went stiff, more from surprise than anything else. As a rule, people did not touch him. Hilda did, but she was Hilda, so she didn't count. Hilda had been through everything he had so it was okay. Hans hugged him, too, but that was Hans. Hans was little. Karl tried a couple times, but it was really awkward and neither of them liked it so he stopped trying.
Evelyn was not Hans or Hilda, or Karl, and he didn't know what to do.
Apparently standing there in a panic was the wrong thing because she pulled away and apologized for hugging him.
"I," he started but didn't know how to finish the thought in any language. He didn't know what he was thinking, nevermind how to put it into words. "It was," he tried again to the same result. "You hug better than Uncle Karl," he told her honestly. "It is," he faltered again, this time because he wasn't sure how to say what he wanted to say without sounding like an emotional idiot.
You are an emotional idiot, Hilda's voice spoke in his head, and she wasn't wrong, exactly. Heinrich preferred to ignore his emotions rather than understand them. He acknowledged worry and very occasionally expressed it verbally. Sometimes he admitted to himself (and once to Professor Hawthorne) that he was terrified, all the time. Anything other than that . . . was better pushed aside and never identified, never mind discussed. Even the good things. Especially the good things.
Acknowledging the good things meant maybe they would go away.
He shook his head, deciding this would be easiest if he just answered her question instead of trying to come up with his own words. "I am not okay." Realizing how that might sound to her, he added quickly. "It is not you that made me not okay."
1
Heinrich Hexenmeister
Rise from the Ashes
1414
0
5
Evelyn Stones
December 03, 2019 7:00 PM
You're beautiful like a phoenix. by Evelyn Stones
Evelyn smiled a little when Heinrich said she hugged better than his uncle. She wasn't sure how high a bar that was, but she was glad to have surpassed it. She was also glad that Heinrich didn't seem exactly angry or anything. He was maybe confused, which was sort of heartbreaking."Thank you," she chuckled. "I... I like hugs. Not from everyone. But if you want a hug other times, you can hug me." It felt like such a stupid thing to say out loud and she ducked her head to hide a blush on her cheeks. At the same time, she did want to reassure Heinrich that she was a safe person and that he didn't have to be ready for hugs and stuff right now, but that he could if he wanted to. But it felt so stupid to say out loud, like she was the Queen of England, granted permission to hug her. Ugh.
Heinrich was having a hard time with words tonight, although he kept up with English, which was impressive. Evelyn didn't want to pressure him, or push him, or scare him, or hurt him, so she made herself as small as possible and just waited. She was quiet, and unimposing, and - hopefully - safe.
Growing up, she had often wished that she could disappear. There were times when she almost thought it was possible, too, but it never happened. Since magic wasn't on her side, she had learned to disappear just by being small. That hadn't really worked either, but it was a habit now. When the world felt very big, Evelyn wanted to be small. Tonight, it wasn't the world that felt big necessarily, because it seemed to have vanished in the crisp spring air. It was just a couple teenagers, trying to figure everything out together.
I am not okay.
Evelyn wanted to scream, and hex everyone who had ever hurt Heinrich. She also sort of wanted to scream because a very heavy secret was in her pocket and she didn't want it anywhere near her. She wasn't okay either, but that was not important right now, so she pushed it aside again. She had to be okay right now. It was reassuring to know that it wasn't her fault this time; that Heinrich would have not been okay even if she had not been around.
Evelyn considered her options carefully, using a bit more of her thinking skills than she usually did. One time, someone asked her how they could help, and she felt worse because she didn't know. Another time, someone just tried to help, and that was no good because it was just another decision being made for her. Sometimes people left her alone, and that was okay, but it didn't really help anything. It just made her not have to think about it.
The happiest she'd been was when she was safe, with Ness, Ms. Heidi, with Ness' family . . . with Heinrich. She was pretty confident that she was safe and that was important. But Heinrich wasn't afraid of being hurt on the outside like she was, he was afraid of his insides getting hurt again. There was no balm for that, she thought, except perhaps time and constancy. She couldn't prove that she was going to stick around unless she actually did stick around.
"If I can help, I want to. But it's okay if I can't help, too," she said quietly. "I know that sometimes other people can't help at all."
Despite the din of students in the distance, and the roar of a big fire, it felt very quiet with Heinrich. Like if they stopped talking for just a moment, even the noises of the night time would go away and it would just be their own breathing as they inhaled the stars.
She thought that it was very important that Heinrich had told her his secret. It meant that he didn't want her to go away, because he wouldn't have trusted her with it if he did, and maybe it meant that he didn't even think she was going to go away, because he wouldn't have trusted her with it if he did. She didn't want to go away. What did that mean about her, when considering their roles reversed? Bile rose in her throat and she pushed it away. She pushed everything away. None of that mattered.
"Thank you for telling me," Evelyn said again, offering a little bit of a smile.
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Evelyn Stones
You're beautiful like a phoenix.
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