Everything's on fire but it's not magic. on Charms

Evelyn Stones

August 26, 2019 3:36 PM

Everything's on fire but it's not magic. by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn was failing. This was of little surprise to her, but it was irritating because it meant she had to talk about it. Professors asked questions like "why," "what's wrong," "what can I help you with," and other such things. She'd talked to Professor Carter before she had to leave, and she'd talked to Professor Skies, but that was different because it wasn't required. She was doing pretty okay in Transfiguration, but Charms was by far her worst class. When she'd gotten marks on her last paper lightly reminding her of when Professor Gray's office hours were, she resigned herself to a conversation about stuff she didn't want to talk about.

It didn't cross her mind to hide what was going on, but it also didn't cross her mind to be honest about it. It was easy to lay out the facts of her life, but those facts were hardly as personal as the fear and guilt and shame that came with it all. That was her own story and only a few people were let in on that to any degree. She doubted anyone knew the whole picture of that, even herself.

Armed with her book bag - including her recent homework - and a grim expression, Evelyn knocked on Professor Gray's office door and entered. It was outside of class hours, but she hadn't changed yet and was still wearing her green school robes. Her lipstick and eyeshadow were shades of gold, and her hair was pulled into a messy bun, with a few loose strands framing her face. Makeup couldn't disguise the dark bags under her eyes, but it was hardly unusual to find Evelyn tired these days.

"Thank you for seeing me, Professor," Evelyn said quietly, trying to force herself to sound sincere.

22 Evelyn Stones Everything's on fire but it's not magic. 1422 Evelyn Stones 1 5

Professor Wright

August 27, 2019 2:55 PM

Good. At least non-magical fires don't make ashwinders. by Professor Wright

Gray saw students on a daily basis, even when they were not in his class or classroom. He thought there might have been one day of his (admittedly short) career here when he had not seen students, and that had been when he had been ill in bed when that magic-sparking virus had been going around. Outside of a very few rooms, the creatures seemed to be everywhere: hallways, the dining hall, the library, the Aladren common room....

Of course, this was kind of the point. If there were no student-creatures, there was no real reason for Brockert to pay for the privilege of Gray's presence here, or even to tolerate it at all. Nobody was going to pay him to talk to an empty room. Plus, truthfully, he didn't mind the student-creatures much, as a rule. Most of them were reasonably well-behaved, at least in areas where he had to deal with them, and he even found observing them interesting to a point. The only problem was that even after several years, he still found it rather nerve-wracking to speak directly to them, one-on-one, about it when things were Going Wrong.

Sometimes, it was fine - student didn't understand something, he clarified, problem solved. Sometimes, there was not much to do, if the student was just not inclined to work because the student simply didn't care about Charms; since using the Imperius Curse on the creatures was against the rules and he didn't know how to use said curse anyway, there was nothing he could really do about that and so he let them go their way once it became apparent that there was either no way to compel work from them normally or that at least he wasn't the person who had the psychological tools to do so. If they simply lacked a knack for charmswork, he could recommend and oversee exercises to strengthen wandwork as much as possible, and offer strategies for boosting their written scores to compensate from a grading point of view. All these things were easy enough, from his point of view, to deal with. Sometimes, though, he knew, there were Issues underlying bad results, and he was always afraid that one day, he was going to try to talk to someone about their work and walk into something he would have no idea how to deal with, which always made any meeting with students something he dreaded until he was sure of where everyone stood.

"Of course," he said when Evelyn Stones thanked him for agreeing to see her. "Sit, please," he added politely.

"So. Your work," he said, looking at his grade book just to be sure he had his facts straight before he said anything more. "I was pleased to see how well your wandwork went when we did colovaria," he said, deciding to start on a positive note. "Your other work hasn't seemed to go as well lately, though. Why do you think you did well with that charm and...less so with the rest of the work we've done lately?"

16 Professor Wright Good. At least non-magical fires don't make ashwinders. 113 Professor Wright 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 28, 2019 2:42 AM

I'd take ashwinders if I got to be magical. by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn tried really hard not to scowl. She generally liked Professor Gray and he was lots more reasonable than some of their other professors. Of course, reasonable mostly just meant practical and level-headed to Evelyn. Still, she couldn't help feeling more than a little bitter about this whole thing. He was right, she'd done better with that spell than others, but that spell was basically what she would be if she were a spell, and she'd only done really well on it when she was angry. Was that something she could explain? She didn't know if she wanted to.

Her fingers tugged a little too hard on her hair as she tried for absentminded, so she moved them to the arms of her chair, where they gripped a little too tightly. "I like colorful things," she said stiffly, not feeling the need to gesture at the colors she'd painted on that day for emphasis; the point was clear enough. "I don't like trying spells that I'm not going to get anywhere with."

Did she want to be expelled? Some part of her thought it might be cosmic justice if she were kicked out of school and forced into a Muggle life. At least she'd have her answers about where she belonged at that point. Of course, then where would she go? Tension welled in her chest at the thought, and she readjusted her grip, wondering whether she'd throw up if she kept forcing a relatively calm expression.

22 Evelyn Stones I'd take ashwinders if I got to be magical. 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Professor Wright

August 28, 2019 9:53 AM

If you weren't magical, you wouldn't be here. by Professor Wright

Evelyn was fidgeting, clearly stressed. Gray felt some sympathy. He had never failed a class, but he couldn't imagine that being anything other than highly stressful, especially when one was being actively talked at about it by an authority figure.

"That makes sense," he said. "But you don't know where you're going to get with a spell unless you make an effort, Evelyn. Do you think it would help if you were provided with more colorful objects to work with?"

This didn't make much sense to him, as obviously, everything was a color, and therefore colorful - at least in the colloquial sense. However, if bright colors were helpful, he'd find stuff that was brightly colored. For one thing, this was an easy adjustment to make to help the kid learn what she needed to learn, for her own well-being. For another thing, it would help his statistics, which would result in continuing to get paid. That was a win-win situation and therefore something he was quite willing to try.

"There's also the issue of your written work," he said. "You could make up a lot of points there, Evelyn. If you need help with the process of writing, Professor Skies holds classes, or I'd be happy to help you with that."

16 Professor Wright If you weren't magical, you wouldn't be here. 113 Professor Wright 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 30, 2019 10:21 PM

Does that mean I'm staying? Or that I'm not magical? by Evelyn Stones

"I don't get anywhere even when I do make an effort," Evelyn snapped. She regretted it instantly and grimaced, looking down at her hands. She mumbled something about not needing more colors, but she wasn't really sure anymore. Was she a child who couldn't get by unless everything was presented in primary shades? She didn't want to be like that.

The idea of sitting down with Professor Skies to work on writing seemed terrible. She didn't want to have the woman knowing what was going on also be the woman knowing that she was failing. Of course, she wasn't doing so hot in Transfiguration either, so it probably wouldn't be a surprise to her. Neither unduly lax standards nor excessively harsh expectations were Professor Skies' tendency, but the idea of meeting with her for writing help still struck Evelyn as dreadful. Meeting with Professor Wright was better, but not by enough to make it really worth it.

The hopelessness of it all made Evelyn's eyes wet, but she refused to cry. Why did she always have to cry? Her hands, so prone to smoking, instead became damp in place of her cheeks, and water dripped from beneath her fingers. She didn't want to place them on her lap and look as if she'd peed herself, but she also didn't want Professor Wright to notice, but she couldn't do anything, but but but . . .

She shook her hands off, groaning through clenched teeth. It was a pained sound, betraying the closeness of her tears. "I can't get it to work when I want it to," she said too loudly. "It happens when I don't tell it to and when I'm mad. It doesn't work the rest of the time. I can't . . . I can't get it to . . . I can't." By the time she exhausted her attempts at a sentence, she could only collapse in on herself, giving up on even trying that much. "I'm no good at anything, Professor. But I don't want you to send me home."

22 Evelyn Stones Does that mean I'm staying? Or that I'm not magical? 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Professor Wright

August 30, 2019 11:54 PM

You're certainly magical, no doubt about that. by Professor Wright

Clearly, there was only one logical action to take, and that action was running out of the room as quickly as possible. Clearly. This was so far beyond anything Gray Wright was equipped to handle that it bordered on absurd, and there was no corner of his mind which was in any doubt about the correct path to follow.

Unfortunately, his conscience chose to be difficult. Running wasn't really an option. Which left him in a bit of a dilemma as Evelyn went from snapping to stammering to...dripping.

"Well," he said, surprised to hear himself sound rather calm, despite not at all feeling it. Perhaps he had turned into a better actor than he'd thought, after the past few years of daily stage work. "I can put your mind at ease about that right now. I don't have the authority to send you home, and I wouldn't even if I did."

This was not only because Evelyn apparently did not want to go. Indeed, it was not even primarily because Evelyn apparently did not want to go. It was also because it looked to him, right now, like it would be wildly irresponsible to even consider doing so. If what she was saying went with what was happening as neatly as it seemed to, then this child had a perfectly respectable amount of magical ability and an appalling lack of control over it.

"Would you like a drying charm?" a practical corner of his brain prompted him to offer politely.

Once that question was settled, he pushed his glasses up his nose just for something to do with his hands. "You have the ability, obviously," he said. "But you haven't got control over it. That is...something we're going to have to work on." It wasn't something he could honestly say he thought there would be a particularly easy solution to - he didn't remember gaining control of his abilities, as such, and imagined very few people did; for most students of magic, it just came naturally as they learned wandwork and gained maturity - but it was workable. He thought. "You aren't the first, and you won't be the last," he added, hoping to reassure her a little. He thought most cases were caught a little earlier than this, but didn't even know that for sure. "This is...the kind of thing that needs a plan. And a lot of work. But it's doable."

16 Professor Wright You're certainly magical, no doubt about that. 113 Professor Wright 0 5

Evelyn Stones

September 04, 2019 4:00 PM

Maybe it's profuse sweating that makes me look magical? by Evelyn Stones

The latter part of Professor Wright's initial statement was more reassuring than the first. If he only didn't have the authority to send her home, he could contact someone who did. If he didn't want to send her home, he was just crazy enough to maybe really be able to help her. Sometimes she wondered if Professor Skies only didn't send her home because she knew it was crappy there. With Professor Wright, she didn't have to worry about that. She didn't say anything, only nodding; her expression, pinched eyebrows and a flat mouth, showed how scared she really was, and her quiet eyes showed how grateful she was.

"Can you do that?" she asked, surprised about the offer of a charm. "Can a charm stop whatever my problem is? What about when it turns into smoke instead?" The questions came out too quickly, revealing her desperation, and she caught herself. "Sometimes they smoke instead," she added for clarification, grimacing. Her excitement did the trick by itself, as her hands promptly stopped dripping all on their own.

Then he said she had the ability, and her world seemed to freeze. Her brain did that annoying record scratch thing that Disney shows sometimes did, and she felt as though she had to do a full reboot to reply. He thought she had the ability, just not the control. It wasn't a matter of lack. She wasn't entirely sure that was true if the most she could manage was what would pass as sweaty palms in a Muggle interaction, but she didn't push. If this surly professor believed she could it, then maybe she really could. It was his field of expertise, after all.

"You really think it's doable?" A plan was doable. Hard work was doable. She was certainly willing to try that if it would get her anywhere. Ness had been trying to help her with this since day one and it hadn't quite worked out, but that was from a peer. Maybe adult intervention would help. "I just want to be like everyone else." She meant that in so many ways.

22 Evelyn Stones Maybe it's profuse sweating that makes me look magical? 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Professor Wright

September 05, 2019 4:33 PM

No. by Professor Wright

"Well - ah - well, this charm, anyway, can only help with the effects," said Gray, a bit apologetically, when Evelyn misunderstood him.

In the broader picture...well, that wasn't for him to decide. At all. It was possible that some very technical branches of charms - those that dealt with mindhealing in particular - could come into play if other options failed, but he thought it best not to even mention that to her right now. For one thing, it might terrify her out of her wits. For another, it might have the opposite effect, and make her want to take the quicker, easier option and resist other plans, even though such charms were things to treat with caution at the best of times and downright dangerous at others, especially with teenagers. Difficulties with control were, from what little he knew about the topic, generally psychological, or else related to brain structure or chemistry - all things that were changing rapidly and near-constantly in most teenagers. Meddling with them from the outside was not often a good first resort in these cases.

"I just want to be like everyone else."

Well. That he could relate to, anyway. Except that that wouldn't be very professional at all, so Professor Wright didn't do it. Grayson Wright, though....

"I think you'll find, the more you look, that everyone in 'everyone else' is as different as the next," he said. "But we do need to get you to the same level of control as your classmates, anyway. That...I'm not an expert in that," he said, again slightly apologetically. "I'll have to do research, and talk with Professor Skies, and most likely Professor O'Malley as well." This did make having a temporary Head of Pecari all the more inconvenient, though he still imagined Sophie would be better equipped to deal with this than some (such as himself) simply due to being a Pecari herself. "But a plan is something we can make, and that we can use," he added firmly. "Now that we can see why you're having trouble, we can do something about fixing it."

16 Professor Wright No. 113 Professor Wright 0 5

Evelyn Stones

September 06, 2019 4:27 PM

Oh.... by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn stared at Professor Wright. Something in the back of her head told her that it was rude and vaguely inappropriate as a student, but that thought was quelled by the sense of dark, hysteric humor in her stomach. The fact that everyone was different in their own unique way was such notoriously horrible advice, that she was actually surprised the professor thought it might work. Still, that wasn't the worst of what he'd said.

"Excuse me, Professor, but you don't have any idea why I'm having trouble." Her neck was hot and her face was flushed. "You know what trouble I'm having but you don't know anything about the reason behind it."

The voice in the back of her head warned her that she was getting louder, and that she was standing up part way out of her chair. That she could get in trouble for shouting at a professor and that she should not. The voice that came out of her mouth didn't seem to have gotten that information and proceeded to get louder still, even as she pushed herself completely to her feet, standing over Professor Wright.

"You can't fix my magic because you can't fix my problems! You don't even know what they are!"

The door slammed open and closed behind her.

"You don't even know anything about me! You don't know why I don't have magic!"

The papers flew off of Professor Wright's desk.

"You can't fix my magic because you can't fix my family and you can't make me worth it! You can't make me good enough! You can't . . . you can't . . . "

Evelyn stopped. The room stopped. She sat down again, her hands shaking, and tears spilling silently from her eyes.

"You can't make me good enough, sir. I'm so sorry."

22 Evelyn Stones Oh.... 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Professor Wright

September 06, 2019 9:13 PM

...'Kay then. by Professor Wright

If Evelyn's tirade had gone on a longer, Gray was not sure how he would have reacted. Her loss of composure was getting closer and closer to his person, an object she had swung toward overt hostility toward, and since she had gone from wanting help to ranting and raving and allowing her powers to run wild in the space of a minute, it did not seem unreasonable to at least temporarily elevate her to the status of Persons Endangering Themselves And Others.

As it was, with her just as suddenly no longer ranting and raving and destroying his desk, he had no idea what to do, other than continuing what he was already doing, which was staring in shock. He was so, so, so not the person with the emotional or conflict-resolution skills to handle this.

Finally, he lifted his wand and flicked it, bringing the scattered papers back to his desk. Then he conjured up a box of tissues.

"There are - there are tissues," he said. "You should have one."

The tissues were not much of a solution, though. He knew this. Hopefully, though, he could buy himself a few seconds to think....

It was appalling, how out of hand this seemed to have gotten. How many cracks the situation had just...slipped through, it seemed. And it all made horrifying sense, in retrospect - it was really the Head of House's job to keep an eye on students, but Isis had gotten pregnant, and then had Theodora, and was now on leave. Sophie was in most respects an excellent temporary Head of House, but had only limited experience of the current crop of Pecaris. And he...

Well, there was no getting around it. He was the Charms teacher. He and Tabitha, probably more than any of their colleagues, bore the responsibility for not realizing she didn't have her magic in check before this. Theirs were the classes where wandwork was most used, where a pattern of remedial assignments should have been noticed and addressed by now. And yet, here they were.

"You're right about some things," he said after giving her a moment to avail herself of the tissues, picking his words carefully. "I don't know much about your life outside this class. And working on the sort of things you just, er, shouted at me about - that's not something I have the skills to do. I can help find resources for that, but you're right - if there are...underlying things, I'm not the most helpful for that.

"You're wrong about another thing, though," he added, more firmly. "You...said you don't have magic. That's...you don't have control of it right now - maybe because you think you aren't good enough - but you have magic - I didn't throw all the paperwork off my own desk. Whether you like it or not, or think you should have it or not, you have plenty of talent, and you must get control of it - for your sake and everyone else's."

He sat back in his chair, trying to look less tense than he felt. "Is there a teacher who could help you calm down right now better than I can?" he asked finally.

16 Professor Wright ...'Kay then. 113 Professor Wright 0 5

Evelyn Stones

September 07, 2019 9:04 PM

Sorry . . . by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn looked away, embarrassed as much by her behavior as by the professor's response. She didn't know how to fix it, though, and only nodded when he corrected her. It felt good to hear someone say that she had magic, and that they had been wrong about understanding the situation. It felt validating. Still, Evelyn knew she was also wrong. She was definitely wrong.

What struck her was the warning that the necessity to get her magic under control was not just for her own sake, but for the sake of others as well. It was for Ness, and Heinrich, and Malikhi, and Julius, and Professor Skies, and CJ. That hurt to hear, because she just wanted something to be for herself. She wanted to get better for herself.

The reality of it was that she was not living in isolation, however she felt sometimes. She was living in a shared world with people she cared about. However much she wanted to just focus on herself, she couldn't. And honestly, she probably wouldn't want to. The fact that she had people to care about meant that she maybe - just maybe - had people who could care about her. She suspected Ness already did, and maybe even Heinrich. Professor Skies cared for her at least as much as she cared for her other students, and lord knows no one could take on a role like that unless they really did legitimately care for their students. The realization gave her new respect for Professor Wright as well.

Somehow, something in her just clicked. This was no longer about her anger or her grief. This was about the people she loved. And maybe sometimes, she could still be sad, but in the meantime, there was work to be done. Lots of work. She sighed her last self-pitying sigh (for now) and set her shoulders. Looking up at an uncomfortable, awkward man who, despite all of that, was taking the time to be firm and kind, Evelyn nodded more strongly.

"You have helped," Evelyn said. "I didn't realize how much I might hurt other people. I'm ready to do what it takes to get myself under control." She was firm and sincere, until she asked in a quieter voice: "Do you really think we can make me better? I'm ready, sir. And... also I'm really sorry."

22 Evelyn Stones Sorry . . . 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Professor Wright

September 10, 2019 1:22 AM

Apology accepted. by Professor Wright

He must have said something right, to have avoided another outburst. That, or she had frightened herself with the last one so much that she had shut down her own abilities again....

How did we let this happen?

He was surprised to actively feel guilt. Of course he generally wanted the students to do well, but he did not generally hold it against himself when they did not. Things happened, after all. But here he was, feeling quite genuinely guilty about his part in how they had all, it seemed, to one degree or another, let this girl down.

"I accept your apology," he said. "I imagine this must be very difficult for you. I wouldn't recommend shouting at your teachers very often," he added, "but - we'll - " how was he looped into 'we'? He really wanted to hand this over to more qualified personnel and be done with it, but here they were talking about 'we' - "have to work on more effective ways for you to handle it when you - have a lot of feelings like that. Learning to handle your emotions better will probably go a long way toward helping you get control of your powers," he added, both because that was true and because that might make the prospect more appealing.

"Right now, though - I am not an expert in this. There will have to be research, plan-making, and then contacting you, working out how to do that," he explained. "So right now, I need to know you're calm enough to go back about your day without lashing out again. How are you feeling?" He remembered something his cousin had once said. "I heard once that if you're anxious, it can help to talk about something else, something you like," he offered, thus exhausting his knowledge of how to make someone feel better. He was a writer; his knowledge of human psychology mostly revolved around making the people he made up inside his head feel worse, not better.

16 Professor Wright Apology accepted. 113 Professor Wright 0 5