The least squishy of squishies. [Tag Ness] on Library

Evelyn Stones

July 19, 2019 4:25 PM

The least squishy of squishies. [Tag Ness] by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn was not twelve years old anymore, and this was not her first year at Sonora. In fact, she wasn't even a "beginner" anymore, although she had decided that such labels were a really poor decision on the part of Sonora administration. Still, at 14, Evelyn didn't feel any better than she had back then. Second year hadn't been so bad, and she'd been pretty sure things were looking up for a while. It was a shame to have made room in her heart for such disappointment, but she couldn't fix that now. Really, that was the problem, and it confronted her full in the face as she took a seat in the big squishy chair in the library - the one that no longer seemed as big as it once had - and waited for Ness.

The problem was that Evelyn wasn't ready to give up on hope. She was ready to let Ness never show up, she was ready to let her mom never come home, and she was ready to let her dad never be a good father. She was ready for all of it to just let her down again, because she wasn't ready to give up on hoping it would get better. As it turned out, she was the only one who had never let herself down because she'd always had the lowest expectations for herself. It wasn't the healthiest choice, probably, but it kept her sane enough and she figured that was a win in its own right.

This year, unlike previous years, Evelyn didn't bring a book to the library. Instead, she'd wrapped her white blonde hair into a bun, donned an oversized sweatshirt, leggings, and combat boots, and was taking the opportunity to nap a little bit while she waited for the Aladren to arrive. As such, her feet were tucked unceremoniously onto the chair and her arms were wrapped around her legs, with her forehead on her knees. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was comfortable enough.

She was trying not to wonder about anything because then questions came to mind like, "when we're too big for this chair, will we sit sideways across each other's laps?" and "what point is there to getting married when you could just kiss people and not worry about them letting you down afterwards?" They weren't things she could answer, and she didn't want to try just yet.

22 Evelyn Stones The least squishy of squishies. [Tag Ness] 1422 Evelyn Stones 1 5

Ness

July 19, 2019 10:28 PM

That doesn't sound good by Ness

Ness hadn’t arranged to meet Evelyn in the library, but even when no such appointment had been scheduled, the Aladren was in the habit of checking Their Chair, just in case. If Evelyn was not there, Ness went to occupy a different seat, because it was the chair for talking and snuggling with Evelyn. As Ness could generally be assumed to be in the library if there was no Quidditch training, this left it up to Evelyn to either come look or just flop herself down in the chair and wait for Ness to be in motion through the library rather than tucked into a corner of it. Ness supposed it could happen that Evelyn would drop herself into the chair, and Ness would be absorbed in a book somewhere, and they would accidentally not cross paths, but so far, the system worked.

Perhaps. Perhaps Evelyn had been waiting a while because she seemed to be dozing. But she was in The Chair, which meant she wanted Ness, and so the Aladren went over. It probably wasn’t going to be possible to climb aboard without waking Evelyn, so Ness sat on the floor, head leaning against a small piece of unoccupied chair, and pulled out a book, waiting for the Pecari to wake up.

13 Ness That doesn't sound good 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

July 21, 2019 12:08 AM

I mean, it's not great. by Evelyn Stones

For the second time in relatively recent history, Evelyn awoke with the sensation that she was not alone. Just as before, she counted the breathing in the room. While there was no ocean to add to the steady inhale and exhale around her, there was certainly more happening outside her own head than there had been when she'd fallen asleep. A stiff neck told her it had been a while anyway.

Blinking as she opened her eyes, Evelyn peered at Ness as subtly as possible, wondering what book it was that had caught her friend's eye. She couldn't quite see it from where she was, but the sight was still heartwarming. She thought that she would probably collapse into a heap of nothing if she thought about it too much, so instead she took the opportunity to stretch and smile at her friend.

"Morning," she mumbled. "You should've woken me up. I missed you."

Evelyn cocked her head and let her expression become a bit more serious. It had always been easy to talk to Ness and even to tell the Aladren things that she wouldn't normally say out loud at all. But how to explain that her mother hadn't come home? How to explain that she'd avoided all the responsibilities of being around her brother, even after using him as an excuse not to leave? How to explain that she'd turned to shoplifting at times? How to explain the desire to just kiss all the people in the world so that the next big milestone of love in her life would be torn apart before she could ruin it? How to explain all of the feelings that churned constantly, nauseatingly, in her head?

"I missed you a lot," she murmured instead, explaining everything and nothing all at once.

22 Evelyn Stones I mean, it's not great. 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

July 27, 2019 3:13 AM

Oh. by Ness

“Nah. Never poke sleeping things,” Ness dismissed the suggestion with a headshake when Evelyn stated that Ness should have woken her. “Grumpiness ensues, possibly being eaten all up.

“Budge up then,” the Aladren suggested, both in response to Evelyn being awake and declaring Ness to have been missed, before scrambling into the squish chair. “I missed you too,” Ness promised. It would be mean not to. And of course hanging out with Evelyn was awesome but… well, Evelyn had chosen not to do that. She had had an open invite to their house but only used it a couple of weekends. Ness didn’t argue it, getting that that kind of wasn’t the point. The Aladren missed the family clan when at school, but that wasn’t the same as going running off to them if given a chance during school time. Sometimes you just had to be in a particular place, or with people. Still, Ness had had a fun summer, and had actually found that the whole time hadn’t been spent wondering where Evelyn was, or whether she’d come visit - it had been nice to just be with family.

“How’s things?” Ness asked, deciding to leave it open enough that Evelyn could answer about school or home or nothing, as she wished.

13 Ness Oh. 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

July 30, 2019 5:45 PM

Sorry . . . by Evelyn Stones

It was much easier to grin when there was a precious human like Ness around and so that's what Evelyn did as she made room for her friend in the big squishy chair. As she did so, and as Ness found enough room to sit, Evelyn realized just how much the aladren did to take care of her. From school to home, this was not exactly a symbiotic relationship. She wasn't sure how to put that into words and thought about it as she answered the question asked of her. It was usually one of her least favorite questions, but she didn't mind it so much when Ness asked.

"Things are pretty much the same as usual," Evelyn said with a soft shrug. Ness knew what it all meant and it was nice not having to explain it. "I think that . . . I think that this is how things are just going to be for me. I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with that instead of trying to change it. Does that make sense?"

She cocked her head and realised she was doing it again. "Hey . . . Ness, thanks for everything. We're counting in years how much time you've spent taking care of me and it just really means a lot. I know I'm a big wet noodle sometimes. If you decide to be a parent, Goddess knows you'll be good at it. Really really: thank you."

And then, because emotions were difficult, Evelyn wiggled into the seat so she could put her head on Ness' shoulder. "This okay? Tell me about you. How're things in the world of Ness?"

22 Evelyn Stones Sorry . . . 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

August 11, 2019 12:04 AM

What for? by Ness

[CW: mentions of domestic violence]

The same as usual. Ness wasn’t sure what to make of that phrase. ‘Usual’ for Evelyn had been her crappy dad yelling at her and hurting her for a solid decade and a bit. And then they’d got help, and a new sort of ‘usual’ had come along where… Where it felt like everyone was behaving but where Ness had no idea how fragile it all was. And ‘usual’ had involved Evelyn’s mom being there, and CJ not existing, and Ness wasn’t really sue what the word meant given how many things had changed. Unless it just meant that things sucked. That seemed to be usual for Evelyn.

“The old usual, or the new usual?” the Aladren clarified. Evelyn didn’t seem like she wanted to get super into it. Shrugging the question off with ‘the usual’ was not the mark of someone who wanted to talk. But Ness had to be sure that didn’t mean that things had backslid to the point they had been at when the two of them had first met.

“It’s okay,” Ness replied to Evelyn’s thanks. “Also, noodles are kind of meant to be wet. They’re not good when they’re in the packet and all crunchy. They’re supposed to be soft and squishy, so be a squishy noodle all you want.

“Mmhmm,” Ness confirmed when Evelyn asked about leaning. Ness was pretty sure they were at the point where they could snug and trust that the other person would say if it wasn’t okay, but it was still nice to be asked. “Not that much is new. Zevalyn came over lots in the summer, but not particularly to hang out with me, obviously. I’m not sure what she and Kir got up to. I mean, broadly, I know what category of thing they’re doing with each other, but like… how far. What level of doing things.”

13 Ness What for? 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 11, 2019 12:53 AM

Everything I Guess. by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn smiled a little bit at the question. For one, it was a very Ness sort of question. For two, it was a very kind sort of question. She supposed that was the same thing.

"New usual I think. Dad wasn't really around much during the summer and when he was, I... went out. We took turns going out and taking care of CJ." Her pause was nearly imperceptible but it was there. She wasn't sure whether Ness would want to hear about what she did over the summer or why she was basically a walking disappointment.

She outright laughed when Ness talked about wet and dry noodles. "You've never eaten raw ramen from the packet? Sprinkle the seasoning on there and eat it like a big chip? It's so good." It was another thing her mom had taught her, but that one didn't hurt so much because she kind of liked that she could maybe teach Ness now.

She was glad that snuggling was okay now, and she really wanted to snuggle with Ness all the time. Talking about what Zevalyn and Kir might be up to kind of grossed her out because she thought of Kir like a big brother, but also kind of made her stomach do flips. Would she ever do those sorts of things? Would she do it with a boy? Or a girl? Or someone like Ness who wasn't a boy or a girl?

"How do you feel about that?" she asked lightly, doing very little to hide the curiosity in her voice.

22 Evelyn Stones Everything I Guess. 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

August 12, 2019 7:17 AM

I don't think you need to be by Ness

"That sounds okay?" Ness checked, when Evelyn confirmed it had been the new normal. It sort of sounded like she and her dad had avoided each other all summer, and it didn't exactly sound fun, but given his extreme inability to be anything but a dumpster fire of a human, 'relatively absent' was, tragically, an improvement for Evelyn's father.

"Nope, not done that. I did do it with spaghetti once. Kir had this school construction project but it got cancelled cos all the kids kept eating the dried spaghetti. Tried it. Concluded other kids are weird. That sums up most of elementary school to be honest. But maybe it's different with flavour sachets," the Aladren acknowledged, "You shall have to teach me your ways.

"Annoyed," Ness replied, when Evelyn asked about feelings, "I mean, not about the fact they might be doing it. But over not knowing stuff. I wanna know!" the Aladren huffed. "Like, not in a way where I really want to sit down and have a detailed conversation with my brother about That, but just... I wish I could just know it, as a fact. Kir's always seemed so much older than me, and now like... he's seventeen, and that sounds pretty grown up. And I just wonder what it's like being in a relationship at that age and what kind of things you do. My parents always try to tell me there's no such thing as 'normal' but that's a lie because there is a statistically average age at which people start doing it, and it's seventeen and a half - I read it in a sex ed pamphlet. So, statistically speaking, they probably are doing it, or they're going to start at Midterm. I mean, if we go by how old Kir is. They can't both be average, but I guess that's where statistics fall down."

13 Ness I don't think you need to be 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 12, 2019 3:29 PM

Are you sure? by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn thought about it a moment before nodding. "I think that's pretty close to okay," she decided. Of course, none of it really was very okay. But that was mostly her own fault. "I've got a social worker that comes once a week for counseling, and she's worried that I'm not going to turn out right because of all this," she added bluntly. It was no secret that children of homes like these tended to have difficulties later in life, and she doubted that Ness would try to say otherwise. "I don't know if she's right to be but I guess we'll find out!" She said the last with a small laugh, but there was some amount of hysteria fueling it from the inside.

"Ew, raw spaghetti?" Evelyn laughed. She tried to picture a tiny Ness in elementary school eating raw spaghetti and looking disdainfully at the 'big kids'. It was a precious image. "I bet they are weird for sure. I'll see if I can get some ramen and we can try it," she smiled.

When Ness explained everything going on with Kir and Zevalyn, including Ness' feelings on the whole thing, Evelyn stared in shocked silence. She felt like she had when she'd sneaked her dad's vodka bottle and tried a swig, only to spit it out, declaring it awful. She'd felt adventurous and exciting. This wasn't awful, this was interesting and adult and Evelyn really did want to know. Still, she could feel her cheeks getting warm. If Ness' Aladren instinct was to ask questions and read about it, Evelyn's Pecari instinct was . . . well, she wasn't ready for those instincts yet.

"Seventeen and a half," Evelyn repeated wistfully. "That does sound grown up. That also sounds . . . soon. We're going to be all ready for that stuff in like three years and some change? Ugh. And I was worried about RATS."

Not for the first time, a question came to mind that wasn't one she'd ever known how to ask. She was pretty sure now that it wouldn't go over poorly, but she also didn't want to do anything she'd regret or that would hurt her friendship. She cared more about Ness than about getting her curiosities satisfied.

"Ness, have you ever kissed anyone?" she asked, keeping her eyes away from her friend's face in case they revealed too much of what she was thinking.

22 Evelyn Stones Are you sure? 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

August 24, 2019 6:02 AM

Pretty sure, yeah by Ness

“You’re fine,” Ness assured Evelyn, though there was a slightly anxious quiver. Ness didn’t want to think of Evelyn going off the rails or ending up not okay. But she wouldn’t. She had a bunch of people looking after her, and it’d make it okay. All the best people were slightly mad, of course, and Ness had now doubt that Evelyn would turn out weird and wonderful. But weird was the new normal. She wasn’t going to be like… messed up. She had all of them to look after her.

“Just statistically,” Ness pointed out, when Evelyn counted it up as three and a half years. It was probably long enough. It still sounded like reasonably long time, Ness supposed. And they’d be really different people by then. “People are ready when they’re ready,” the Aladren shrugged.

“No,” Ness admitted, fairly easily when asked about kissing. It was possible there was a subtext to that question, but it was also just the kind of thing friends talked about. Ness had, of course, kissed people on cheeks and stuff but knew full well that wasn’t what Evelyn was talking about. “Never met anyone who seemed interested,” the Aladren shrugged. “You?”

13 Ness Pretty sure, yeah 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 24, 2019 4:45 PM

Whew. by Evelyn Stones

Evelyn smiled. It felt nice. "Thank you," she said. "You're pretty fine yourself." She added fingerguns to the comment, and wondered a bit what people who didn't know what muggle guns were would call them. Fingerwands? A question for another time.

"How do you know if you're ready?" Evelyn asked, conceding the first point about statistics. She had heard plenty of those recently, and read up on some herself. Statistically, she was small for her age. She was a number on a lot of tally boards and websites, and that didn't feel too great. Of course, some statistics were helpful. Like Sonora's exceptionally high graduation rate.

She did a double take and only barely managed to stifle her shocked facial expression when she realized that Ness was asking whether she had ever kissed anyone, not whether she seemed interested. Why did it freak her out so much? The whole idea of intimacy as something physical wasn't completely foreign, but it wasn't familiar either. She should want it, right? She should want more than her parents had?

"No," she said. "I've thought about sort of just getting it over with. It's like this big looming thing and I'd almost rather get it done so I don't have to worry about my 'first kiss' anymore." She emphasized her words with air quotes. "At the same time, I think I'd really like if it were special."

22 Evelyn Stones Whew. 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

August 30, 2019 9:17 PM

Anyway... by Ness

Ness made the universal shrug sound - the one that carried all the intonation of 'I dunno' with none of the actual consonants.

"Hopefully that becomes clear. And maybe if you're not sure, it means you're not," the Aladren suggested. That definitely applied to consent. Any ambiguity there meant 'no' so it made sense for it to apply to this as well.

Ness mused over what Evelyn said about kisses for a moment. The idea of 'just get it over with' didn't sound right, but also the idea that it had to be special was... well, nice, and fine to want, and kind of what Ness wanted too, but it wasn't the only option. If virginity was a social construct designed to control women's sexuality, then it made sense that attaching such significance to a first kiss was also problematic.

"I think it should be nice," the Aladren concluded after turning it over for a minute, "And that physical stuff should be with someone you trust. That can mean different things for different people. Some people might be fine with like... most people. Or not worry too much. And that's fine for them. But some people might need longer to feel okay with someone. The first group aren't sluts and the second group aren't prudes. You just gotta do what feels good for you."

13 Ness Anyway... 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

August 30, 2019 9:51 PM

This is a confusing topic for me. by Evelyn Stones

Ness always made good points, but in this case, Evelyn was even more inclined to agree. There was something in that weird grey area between wanting a thing and wanting a thing to be right. It was weird and special and somehow made Evelyn feel like she could talk to Ness about anything. Her friend hadn't judged her for what she'd said, and that meant she'd found a good friend.

"How do you . . . like. I know when I trust someone I think. I trust you, so I know there are people I trust. But how do you know what you are going to want to do or like before you do it? How do you know what kind of people you want to do physical stuff with?" It was hard for her to get those words out without blushing, but she figured that Ness was probably pretty accustomed to these conversations at home, and she tried not to be too worried.

She had the prickling sensation that she was laying too much out on the table and Ness would see through her, but she wasn't sure what she was afraid of Ness seeing. Was she afraid about who she liked? She didn't know who she liked, so that couldn't be an issue. But wasn't she supposed to know?

"What do you call it when you like people who aren't boys or girls? Like if someone was dating somebody who wasn't a boy or a girl, what is that called?" She forced a chuckle. "That came out weird. I figure you know more than me about people."

22 Evelyn Stones This is a confusing topic for me. 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

September 03, 2019 9:32 PM

Let's make it simple then by Ness

"You don't," Ness replied simply, when Evelyn asked how you were meant to know what you liked before you tried things. That was just impossible, though obviously there was making educated guesses. The more important thing that Ness definitely knew was that no one could tell you what you had to like. "That's why you only do stuff with people you trust, and so they will care about whether you're okay, and you can tell them if you're not. It's kind of like food... Like, maybe you're someone who likes everything. You're probably going to accept an invite to dinner from someone without worrying about the details, or you might actively like going out and trying things you've never had before. But if you're not into that, you might want to know more about what's on offer first. Or you might only let people cook for you if they know you well. And you've probably done a lot of communicating to get to that point."

Evelyn's next question was a lot more personal. There had been a few things in the conversation so far that made Ness wonder if this was purely hypothetical. Ness had been listed as a person Evelyn trusted when they'd talked about doing things with people you trusted... Now this. Ness was pretty sure there weren't that many people at Sonora who fit that definition.

"Pan and bi would both cover it, in terms of your- or whoever's sexual orientation," Ness summarised. They'd been over the terms before, and the fact that bi did not exclude enby or trans people, so this was just revision. "In terms of the relationship... You can just call it dating." There was a brief pause where Ness debated the desire to ask a question - well, no that wasn't true because if there was a question to ask, Ness always wanted to ask it. 'Debated the wisdom of asking' was maybe more accurate, but again, it was just hard not to, and so this was followed by, "Why?"

13 Ness Let's make it simple then 1419 Ness 0 5

Evelyn Stones

September 04, 2019 2:36 AM

ABORT. ABORT. Too many feelings. . by Evelyn Stones

Since Evelyn could remember, girls married boys and boys married girls and those were the only two options. She was a girl, so her job was to grow up and find a nice man to settle down with, just like her mom had done. Except that her mom hadn't done that; Charity Stones was a sad woman married to a sadder man, if they were even still married, and there was nothing wholesome about that. Evelyn didn't want to grow up, get married, and then be as unhappy as her mom was. Suddenly, she didn't think she could hate the woman for leaving.

Other than that, lots of different religions and groups thought that there were more than just boys and girls and if anyone knew about that, it had to be the gods. So why was it always about that? Why did it have to be?

The thought that her parents - particularly her father - were wrong, and had always been wrong, was the easiest thing to accept. The thought that she could be herself, whatever that meant, was much more difficult to accept. She had little desire to return home, and hardly had a home or family to return to anyway, but the feeling that they may not let her come home because of who she was hurt even without it extending beyond her magical abilities. What if they didn't want her to come home because she wanted to date a girl, or because she wanted to date someone who wasn't a boy or a girl? What if she wanted to date lots of people? Or nobody? Would she be happier for that, or even more unhappy? Would everything always be wrong?

But things weren't wrong right now. And they weren't wrong when Ness dyed Evelyn's hair, or stood up for her. They weren't ever wrong when they sat in the big squishy chair. Did that mean that Evelyn liked Ness? She was pretty sure she didn't want to kiss the Aladren, but she didn't really want to kiss anybody. Well . . . maybe she did. She sort of wanted to kiss Heinrich sometimes, because she thought that maybe he'd understand why. But she didn't know if that was because she liked him either. She didn't know him as well as she knew Ness. Did that matter?

The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was to lie to her best friend. However, she also didn't want to decide. What if she said something that made Ness think that Evelyn wasn't interested at all, and then Ness was sad because that wasn't the desired outcome? What if Evelyn suggested she was maybe interested, and then Ness was uncomfortable? She didn't want that either.

What if she said one thing now and then later decided something else? If she did decide that maybe she wanted to date Ness - the idea made her stomach feel shaky - and then it didn't work out, would she have lost her friendship too? Would that be worth it? What about if she decided to date Heinrich and then Ness didn't want to be her friend anymore either? Nothing really seemed worth losing this friendship, but she had faces swimming in her head that didn't just want to be friends.

She tried to turn the questions around like a riddle or a puzzle and wondered what she'd feel like if either of these people she cared so much about started dating somebody else. She didn't think she'd mind seeing Ness with somebody else so long as they still got to be friends, but the idea of Heinrich dating somebody else made her stomach knot up. Was that just because she got to spend more time with Ness already, and anyone that took up more of Heinrich's time would be taking it from Evelyn? Or because Heinrich was the "shiny new toy" and she wasn't sure how to feel about that yet? She didn't know Heinrich nearly as well as Ness, and felt disgusting for being so possessive.

Maybe she didn't like either of them. Why should she? Her best friend and her wolf companion, neither of whom ever had to be anything more than that. Nobody did. Would she mind if she never dated anybody? Never did things with anybody? She wasn't sure.

"I dunno," Evelyn said honestly. "My head is all full of questions. I'm really glad you're my-- I'm glad we've got each other."

22 Evelyn Stones ABORT. ABORT. Too many feelings. . 1422 Evelyn Stones 0 5

Ness

September 04, 2019 8:30 PM

Okay by Ness

Evelyn seemed to turn the question over in her head for a while. And then came out with the response 'I dunno' which was a frustrating conclusion to any question. Ness sort of wanted to point out that someone must know why they'd asked something, even if the anawer was just curiosity, but then Evelyn was being all squishy and Ness didn't feel like being strict with her.

"I'm glad too," the Aladren replied, reaching up and giving Evelyn's shoulders a little squeeze. That part was easy because it was true. Evelyn was a good best friend, and Ness was glad to have rescued her from her terrible life. It was also cool to hear Evelyn talk about queer things. They would totally go to pride together in the future - maybe if Evelyn visited again over the summer, they could go to the family and kid-friendly events, and definitely when they were older they could crazy party it up. And...? Ness wasn't sure. It felt like Evelyn had maybe been hinting at liking Ness. Or maybe she was just sharing and talking because they were best friends. It would be nice to be liked, and on the one hand Ness felt slightly disappointed at not being told that. But equally, there was another feeling, a little bit like relief that things had stopped there. If Evelyn confessed to feelings then... well, they wouldn't have to do stuff because you never had to if you didn't want to, but it would make sense. Ness was definitely curious about the idea of making out with someone. But... maybe more someone. Not necessarily Evelyn. And being put in a position of having to choose to experiment or to reject her didn't seem particularly comfortable.

"Did you say something about needing help with a Potions essay?" Ness asked, deciding that their other conversation had reached a conclusion.

13 Ness Okay 1419 Ness 0 5