Why didn't we see this coming? on Magical Arts Room and Sports

Oz Spellman

May 06, 2023 9:00 PM

Why didn't we see this coming? by Oz Spellman

OOC: CW - alludes to accidental overdose BIC:

Oz was not crying. Oz was punching. He slammed his fists again and again into the punching bag that MARS had provided, focusing on the part of himself that was furious about the whole thing. It was a big enough part. How could Xavier be so selfish? So reckless? So stupid? But even thinking his name hurt, and made it hard to let his anger be in charge.

His arms were starting to ache. That was good. He wanted to make his arms ache so much that they overtook his heart. He wanted to be so tired that he could just drop down, without a single thought.

Class had probably let out by now. That meant that his peers might come looking for him, but also the different fragments of gossip would get connected. Robyn had been pulled from beginners as well. And, if the thing that connected them wasn’t obvious enough, Xav had been missing from intermediates all morning.

Oz had been in Charms when Professor Skies had come and knocked, and asked him to step into the corridor. His first panicked thought had been Henry, but his brother was a few seats along from him. His next had been mom, but only he had been called. Perhaps everyone thought he’d screwed up majorly and was in serious trouble. That would be a logical first guess. And he had messed up, just not in the way they all thought. If he had done something differently then maybe this wouldn’t have happened—if he’d looked after Xavier better, or told an adult about Xavier’s med stash. But he’d thought they were legit. Xav had said they were.

The staff were using words like ‘accident’ and saying that Xavier would be ‘fine.’

That was a joke. Maybe they were going to be able to wake him up, no problem, but he clearly wasn’t fine.

He sort of regretted leaving the safety of Professor Skies’ office. She’d said all sorts of things about keeping an eye on him, even calling his mom to come. He’d lied. Told her she was at work, and couldn’t be contacted there, even though he didn’t know for sure that was true. He didn’t want to bother her. And he didn’t want to see Xav’s parents, or sit in Professor Skies’ office wrapped in a blanket. He wanted to hit things.

So, he’d asked and been allowed to come here.

He heard the door open, but didn’t look up, screwing up his treacherous eyes and redoubling his efforts with the punching bag.

OOC: I don't remember how we said the medical emergency alarm works - I'm assuming it goes off in vicinity of the medic rather than being a noise everyone hears.

13 Oz Spellman Why didn't we see this coming? 1514 1 5

Henry Spellman

May 07, 2023 10:08 PM

It's not your fault. Really. by Henry Spellman

It didn't take a genius to know where Oz would be and Henry, though probably not a genius, certainly knew Oz well enough to get it right. He'd heard of people eating their feelings and that was definitely something he'd been inclined to do when those feelings were fear or worry, but growing up the way they did... well, your feelings were always bigger than your meals. Henry had always turned to music, or his cards. Oz had turned to other things. Truth be told, Henry was almost surprised sometimes that it wasn't Oz who had turned to the illicit.

Henry didn't say anything when he walked in and had his suspicions confirmed by finding Oz there. Even if he'd thought it was a good idea to try to interrupt, there probably wasn't really a safe way to interrupt a pissed off person swinging their fists. Even if there was at that, it wouldn't have helped at all with the pissed-off-ness and Henry didn't feel like getting yelled at, although the conversation would probably include yelling.

Instead, he pulled something out of his book bag and dropped the bag by the door. Then, he walked in a wide half circle around Oz and the punching bag, coming to a spot in the room just the other side of the bag. There was a bench there - Henry liked to think the room knew Oz would need someone - and he could be in Oz' line of sight without being in the way. He sat, perfectly willing to wait as long as it took.

The item he'd pulled out of his bag was a miniature guitar with tiny fragile strings. Retrieving his wand from his robe, he tapped the guitar, ending the spell to shrink it down like that. He stashed his wand and got his guitar in position, checking the tune on it before strumming softly. When he was confident it sounded right, he played. It was just a mish mash of whatever songs came to mind and some of his own thrown in. He sang, although his singing voice wasn't especially good, and it felt a little bit like he was forcing a small piece of the world they'd once called home into this world that would now be their home for the rest of their lives. All the good, all the bad, all the hurt and anger and pain and darkness and fear... Henry's pronouns were plural more often than not, and having his brother by his side had always made everything okay. The least he could do was return the favor, and he'd be right there by his brother's side for as long as he wanted him.

22 Henry Spellman It's not your fault. Really. 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 08, 2023 7:33 AM

How could he? by Oz Spellman

It was Henry. Thank goodness. Oz wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with other people right now, but Henry had never been ‘other people.’ His twin didn’t even talk, just settled into place as Oz’s counterweight. People talked about being quiet like it wasn’t a good thing. They had no idea. They didn’t know how powerful it could be, when you were overflowing, to have someone come and cancel it out with their stillness—to have someone who didn’t try to shout out over you when you were already screaming, raising their voice to yell loud enough for you to hear them telling you to calm the heck down.

Oz kept punching. Because if he didn’t stay angry he was going to break. But Henry made space for him to think in straight lines instead of just chaos.

He swallowed down a couple of explanations that were too hard to say. He almost asked what Henry had heard, so that he knew whether he had to begin at the beginning or whether he could just skip the parts he didn’t want to be true. But it was Henry. He wouldn’t have talked to people as a way of finding things out. He wouldn’t have done anything that wasn’t coming straight to Oz, so he probably had no idea—crap, he probably had NO idea.

“It’s not me. I didn’t do anything.” In more ways than one… In all the ways where that made him guilty as well as innocent, but that wasn’t the point right now. “I didn’t get pulled cos of screwing up or being in a heap of trouble or anything.” He punched the bag as he spoke.

“It’s… Xav.” His voice cracked, and he threw a punch which went wide, causing him to stumble. He sucked in a shaking breath, focussing all his attention on landing a steady string of hits, though his shoulders heaved between each punch. “He said he had medication for anxiety. Said it was all legit. But… I don’t know. The school’s got no record of him being on it. And he’s been making up his own doses, or something, I don’t know. But hey, he guessed wrong. And he lied to me.”

Knowing more than he had done about Xavier’s med stash would probably have been a bad thing. It would have made Oz more culpable than he already was. But it didn’t stop it stinging.

Oz swallowed down a ‘How could he?’ His cheeks were already streaked with tears, and he didn’t want to go full on hysterical. He was aware that crying over a boy was, in all senses of the word, so gay. Henry wouldn’t judge him, but he couldn’t quite let go of the part of himself that said he needed to be ashamed or fearful of this. Or at least expected payback for it. Besides which, those questions were hauntingly familiar… How could you be so selfish? How could you be so stupid? How could you not think this through?

“Is this how it feels to be you?” he asked. “When I’m screwing up, doing messy, selfish stuff that ruins everything? Because if so, how can you even stand to look at me? I-I swear, once he’s awake, the only reason I’m not going to strangle him is because I can’t even think about being in the same room as him.”

13 Oz Spellman How could he? 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 09, 2023 2:15 AM

How couldn't he? by Henry Spellman

OOC: CW mention of suicidal ideation BIC:

At first, Henry just listened. This didn't seem like the moment to reassure his brother that he hadn't thought that he'd done anything to get pulled out or anything like that. For one, because he was smarter than that and Oz wasn't the only one missing from class today, nor the only name being thrown around - even though he'd made a point to avoid rumors, he couldn't help but hear them and it would be foolish not to keep one ear to the ground in times like these - and for two because Henry just didn't think that of Oz. If he had been pulled out on his own merit, it would have been for getting hurt, not for doing something stupid, and then they would've told Henry anyway.

His arms went up automatically to catch his twin when he stumbled. It felt like a punch to the gut that he still couldn't, even after all this training and effort, manage a lick of accidental magic even to help protect his brother. His instincts and insecurities were screaming at him but he put them aside with his guitar and made his way closer to where Oz was expressing his feelings with his fists.

Henry was angrier than he thought he should've been considering how little of this directly involved him. He was furious that Xavier was being so selfish; Henry hadn't had a choice in letting the younger guy be an important protective and caring force in Oz' life, replacing him in roles he'd always occupied and taking on new roles that were super gross but whatever, and now Xavier had failed to do what he'd promised to do. What if Oz had gotten into drugs because of this? What if he'd been blamed, or caught innocently with something illicit? It felt a bit like speaking ill of the dead to be so thoroughly pissed off at someone who was out on medical leave but he also couldn't begrudge Oz for feeling even more angry about it than he was, though for very different reasons.

He waved his wand and conjured up some tissues for his brother when the punches subsided, giving him a moment to collect his thoughts before answering the question he'd been asked.

"I can honestly say I've never been dating you when you've done stupid stuff, so that does change the dynamic a bit," he said flatly, too many feelings in his stomach to actually land on dry humor. The frustrating part was that Oz' question actually made Henry immediately less angry with Xavier and he didn't like that. He didn't want to humanize the de facto villain in this story. He sighed. "Because I care more about you than what you do," he said. "And because usually, under all the anger and the frustration is just a lot of sadness and fear and guilt." Thoughts bubbled into his mind and he popped them immediately, not interested in a trip down memory lane just now.

"And because I think that maybe, hopefully, if our situations were reversed, you'd be there for me just like I try to be for you. I dunno. I'm really on your side about being pissed off but I guess I can kind of understand it too... I don't know all the details - no one does, by the way, mostly just guesses - but I can't say I've never thought about taking mom's medicine or stealing medicine and just seeing if sleeping would be better than being awake, yknow? Like maybe it would be better for everyone else or something... I don't know." His voice faded out and he shook his head to clear it and put himself back on track. "My point is, I guess I haven't ever thought of you as your decisions. You're you, and you make decisions. I don't have to like them all the time to still love you."

22 Henry Spellman How couldn't he? 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 09, 2023 7:03 AM

?!?!?!?! by Oz Spellman

As Henry said he’d never been pissed off and dating him at the same time, Oz laughed. The sound cracked across the silence like a knife, like something violent and wrong that was fracturing the world around it. He wasn’t supposed to be laughing right now. But he did it. Twice. The second one teetered over into a gasping sob as it competed with his tears.

He gave up on hitting the punching bag or pretending that he wasn’t crying. He slumped to floor with the bag at his back instead, taking the tissues Henry had magicked up out of nowhere.

Henry cared more about him than his actions.

Henry had been mad at him. And sad. And felt frustrated and guilty… Even as Henry named all Oz’s own feelings, it didn’t help much, knowing he’d caused the same in someone else.

He snuffled into a tissue as he listened to a speech that… basically proved Henry was a better person than him. Not that that had needed much debating. Although, Henry swung itt away from Xav and round to the two of them. On the one hand, their roles being reversed could mean that if someone Henry loved about was hurt. But Oz didn’t get the impression that was what they were talking about. They’d also been talking about Oz doing stupid things…

“If it was you, I wouldn’t be here punching a stupid bag. They would have to drag me out kicking and screaming if they expected me to stay anywhere except right by your side. You know that, right?” he checked. Especially as the depths to which Henry took this little thought experiment didn’t seem entirely hypothetical. “And geez, remind me to super glue the medicine cabinet shut when we get home because no, Henry, I have never thought that.” Who wanted to be asleep? Being asleep was the literal most boring part of the day, where you weren’t doing anything. Except, apparently everyone he was close to was determined to blot out most of reality. Weird. What could possibly be the common denominator that made it so unbearable? It wasn’t like he couldn't empathise. He hated being stuck with himself sometimes. He knew he dragged Henry down. He’d thought he was doing better for Xavier, but since getting to know Oz, the model kid from the good family had somehow fallen off the wagon enough to end up in the hospital wing with a substance abuse problem… “I mean, yeah, you know I’ve thought at length about how you’d be better off without me. But no, I haven’t thought about downing half the medicine cabinet, and absolutely not about things being better if you did, because no, nothing would be better if you were not around. And did you miss the part where my boyfriend just messed around with meds and nearly fricking offed himself?! I love you more than anything and anyone. You’re not going to do that, are you?”

13 Oz Spellman ?!?!?!?! 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 09, 2023 3:36 PM

........ :) by Henry Spellman

Henry smiled, glad he'd managed a little humor in Oz' day, although it quickly devolved. It was funny how big emotions worked like that; you could laugh at a funeral and cry at a joke and sometimes do both at once and all at the same time. His smile came back though when Oz offered him a reassurance that, even if Henry did know, felt really really good to hear.

"Thanks, Oz," he said softly.

He blinked, taken aback to find that the thoughts that sometimes wormed their way into his head weren't, in fact, normal. He sort of assumed everyone thought like that sometimes, at least when stuff was going bad or was hard. Oz had never thought like that?? Henry filed that away under things to examine himself later in the distant future when it didn't feel so pressing. His cheeks burned when Oz pointed out that it was his boyfriend they were meant to be talking about.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it about me," he murmured, taking a seat on the floor with his brother, back to the punching bag and eyes cast out at nothing in particular. They were mirrors, not copies, and always had been. "No, I would never do that," he promised. He turned his head to look at Oz more closely. "It's alright to be pissed off that Xavier did try to," he said. "Even if later on you decide that you aren't as much mad as you are scared or sad, or maybe if later you decide you guys are done. Whatever happens, it's okay to just be mad right now, even mad at him. But... I dunno. I just want you to really know that he didn't do it because of you. If people were enough to fix it when your brain gets all scrambled up sideways and stuff, we wouldn't have different words for being alone and being lonely. You didn't let him down, Oz."

22 Henry Spellman ........ :) 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 09, 2023 9:46 PM

I'm telling mom on you by Oz Spellman

“Hey, I didn’t say that,” Oz said softly, as Henry apologised for making it about himself. Yes, he’d brought it back to Xav, but only to illustrate why Henry’s thoughts were so dangerous. Henry was meant to be the smart one who didn’t do reckless things, so pointing out that this qualified as something that could seriously frack things up felt like enough of a reasonable argument for why he shouldn’t do that.

He wanted to tell Henry that he was allowed to exist or take up space or have feelings, but all of that sounded stupid when he tried to find words for it, so he reached out and squeezed Henry’s shoulder instead, hoping the reassuring gesture and twin telepathy would take care of the message for him.

Henry promised he didn’t have anything like what Xav had done actually in mind, and brought the conversation back around to Oz’s boyfriend. Ex boyfriend? Henry was laying possibilities on the table, putting into words things that Oz had so far only put into punches. It was a good skill, and one of Henry’s fortes but it made a lump rise in Oz’s throat hearing it in black and white.

“Maybe…” He acknowledged Henry’s suggestion that he hadn’t let Xav down. Much later, the remark about being alone vs lonely would hit him. He and Henry were twins, which meant he was never alone, but… “I mean, I could have said something, done something differently… But I didn’t,” he shrugged it off, knowing it was useless to dwell on things he shoulda-woulda-coulda. It was nice to hear that it wasn’t his fault because he was never going to fully believe that it wasn’t. But it wasn’t the biggest part of the problem right now. He was more mad at Xav than himself. What was done was done, but how to deal with it… That was still wide open. “I want it to work. But it doesn’t when he’s like this. I mean, it’s the first time he’s put himself in the hospital but it’s not—it’s familiar. This is what he does.

“I want to see him so bad right now. But if I go in there… It’s either going to turn into a fight, with me yelling at someone in a hospital bed, which isn’t a great look. Or I’ll let him cry and tell me that he needs me, and I’ll say that’s fine, and I’ll do whatever he wants. But that’s only half true. I can’t say no to him, but it isn’t fine any more. I can’t take care of him if he won’t take care of himself—if he keeps throwing himself off cliffs because he’s sure I’ll be there to catch him. Or because it’s nothing to do with me, and he’s so messed up that I’m invisible. That is what I’m doing, time after time and…” What if he stepped away? Would Xav actually have to learn to look before he leapt? Or would he hurl himself off, oblivious or uncaring or unable to stop, with nothing but the hard ground waiting beneath him?

13 Oz Spellman I'm telling mom on you 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 09, 2023 10:19 PM

I'll return the favor. by Henry Spellman

Henry didn't say anything to Oz' reassurances, just smiling flatly. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it or that he didn't believe his brother, just that they were both factually accurate: Oz hadn't been chastizing Henry and Henry had inappropriately redirected conversation to himself. With both of those things being true, Henry's transgression was worse. He did relax under Oz' touch though and he thought that his massive exhale of big feelings and air probably said a lot.

He could hear that Oz wasn't in the business of being reassured himself right now though, so he didn't push; it wasn't like he could convince him that it wasn't his fault in this particular moment all at once anyway. Honestly, if therapy were more affordable, he'd have recommended it a long time ago. He wasn't about to let the next issue drop though and he found himself struggling to rein in his anger on the topic.

"Oz, no one else's decisions are ever under your control, and someone who makes you feel like what they're doing is your fault or that they need you is manipulating you." Henry thought for a moment, trying to remember why it felt so familiar to him. When the metaphorical light bulb went off, he continued: "Hey, remember that time Boston Morales tried to take my goblin deck and said that if I didn't let him, he was gonna punch me in the face? It wasn't my fault he punched me in the face, even though I wouldn't let him take my goblin deck. He's still the jerk who decided to punch me for it, right? You're me and you're also my goblin deck in this case. If Xavier is out there saying he needs you or he's going to hurt you, or hurt himself, that's his problem. I know it sucks... I really friggin' know that it sucks. But someone who treats you like that is a bully and you gotta give him space. You don't deserve to be treated like that by anybody."

He couldn't help being nervous telling his brother that his suicidal boyfriend was bullying and manipulating him, but someone had to.

"Or like those crazy dudes who were trying to mess with me. They were gonna hurt me if you didn't let them hurt you, right? That wasn't your fault. If Xavier is saying he's going to hurt himself if you don't let him hurt you, then he can stay at the hospital until he figures his crap out."

He was breathing hard by the time he finished, but he was so sick of people treating his brother like they could push him around because he would stand up for everyone but himself. It was Henry's sole job in this life to make sure someone - being himself - stood up for Oz and he wasn't about to stop now, even if this fresh new hot take was probably more likely to get him yelled at than anything else just then.

"You deserve better."

OOC: Assumption that therapyp is unaffordable is inaccurate for underage Sonora students but Henry doesn't know that or doesn't believe it.

22 Henry Spellman I'll return the favor. 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 09, 2023 11:15 PM

But I already caused more than my fair share of trouble by Oz Spellman

Xav was manipulating him..? That didn’t sound right.

Henry’s first example didn’t really help, because yes, whilst Boston Morales had been an absolute tool, it was obviously Oz’s fault if Henry got attacked. And the stupid goblins’. Not that Henry wasn’t allowed to like them or whatever, and not that anyone got to mess with him or try to take them away. If it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else but like… Oz was fully aware that he would die, if need be, to defend scraps of cardboard with pictures on them, and that that was stupid.

The only real life lesson he’d been able to draw from it was that life was just stupid sometimes.

“No. I’m messing up how I’m saying everything.” As usual. “He didn’t say any of that.” He was mad at Xav right now, and when Henry told him Xav was stupid and mean and a jerk for doing this, it felt good. But he wasn’t so mad at him that he could let Henry say things that weren’t true. “I just… I know he’s been through absolute hell. And I feel like I make things better? Or maybe I don’t. Like you said, you can’t fix other people, and all that, but like…” Surely, it was a little less dark when Oz was there to hold him or distract him? “I think I make him feel good? And I don’t just mean—” he named several things that would get him expelled, or at least in serious trouble, just as fast as if he’d been involved in Xav’s med stash if he was caught in the act of doing them—“And I like that.” Xavier might rely too hard on magic blue beans, or getting lost in swirling crystal ball smoke, or little white pills that made the world go away… And Oz could pretend all he wanted that he didn’t understand that, but if Xav told him to jump, he’d ask how high. And it wasn’t just the fact that there was physical pleasure attached to fulfilling those promises… “I like feeling like the good guy in someone’s life. And I really thought that I was, this time.” He’d tried to be it for Henry, and he’d done nothing but mess it up and make him hurt. Maybe he just wasn’t cut out to help. Maybe that was why it was so addictive when it felt like he was finally doing something right for someone…

He’d already lost Xav in the present. He was lying the hospital wing with too many feelings to fight through for Oz to get to him. The future, ironically, was a blank of white static. He couldn’t lose the past as well.

He wanted to ball up his fists and slam them back into the punching bag, but he didn’t want to scare Henry. Which meant that it found its way to the surface as more tears.

“That… that was real and it was good.”

13 Oz Spellman But I already caused more than my fair share of trouble 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 09, 2023 11:32 PM

Nah, there's never enough trouble for a Spellman. by Henry Spellman

Henry frowned and examined Oz as he spoke before deciding that it was finally time to stop being weirdo dudes about it and just hug. The best he was gonna manage on the floor though was a weird side hug situation so he stood up and pulled Oz to his feet before pulling him in for a proper hug. He supposed other people would think it was weird hugging someone who was physically yourself, but there were differences. For all that everyone else saw two of the same people, it didn't feel like that from the inside at all.

"Hey, you can be the good guy in someone's life without their life being good. Someone who makes you feel like you have to be good enough though just isn't the right person, dude. That's all I'm saying." Oz was so sad and it made Henry so angry. He knew there wasn't going to be a way for him to fix this but he found himself wanting to punch the bag that still hung in the room too all of a sudden. "You aren't ever going to be Superman. Being Oz is good enough. It's always been enough for me, and for mom. For a lot of people who don't even know you yet, just Oz is good enough. I don't want you to get hurt trying to catch a plane or something for someone. I just... Don't lose yourself. Promise me you won't lose yourself in trying to find everybody else."

It hit him then that, just like he'd said, under all the anger was fear and frustration and sadness. And maybe if Henry had been a more positive influence in Oz' life, he wouldn't be dating someone that made him feel like a puppy on a leash getting his nose stuck in pee when he did something wrong, and maybe it wouldn't feel like Oz was going to float away, attached to a big stupid blimp or something. Henry hadn't really done very well making friends at Sonora and he tried not to make that too obvious, finding people to sit with so his social life looked reasonable and stuff. But truth be told, when graduation day was behind them, there was nothing ahead of him. He had nothing and no one except Oz. It wasn't hard to imagine that he was the one laying in a stupid hospital bed made out of self pity somewhere wallowing away until Oz came to the rescue. It wasn't Xavier he was mad at at all, it was himself. And he sure as heck wasn't going to let Xavier take Oz away from him by being stupid.

"I can't lose you," he said quietly and without really meaning to. "I need you to be safe."

22 Henry Spellman Nah, there's never enough trouble for a Spellman. 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 10, 2023 1:04 AM

That is categorically untrue by Oz Spellman

Oz leant into Henry, grateful for the proper hug. Henry’s body didn’t feel exactly like his own. There were some ways in which it never had—Henry had always moved his body more gently, more precisely, compared to how carelessly Oz crashed his around. As a result, Henry’s body was usually more neatly presented and less scraped up. But it had always been the same body. After seven years on the Quidditch team for Oz, and seven years in the library for Henry, that wasn’t really true any more. Oz didn’t think they were as easy to mix up now. They weren’t the same outside, but they were the same inside. Not, like, personality or stuff, obviously. But they were still each other’s person. Each other’s other half, on like… some deeper level than bodies or personalities. Something super cheesy like souls or whatever. He put his arms around Henry, but let Henry wrap his fragile little library nerd arms around the outside, knowing they were strong enough to keep all the bad things away.

“No fair. I wanna be Superman,” he protested, the words muffled into Henry’s shoulder. It was a joke and it wasn’t. Who wouldn’t pick being Superman if given the choice? Unfortunately, no one was asking or offering Oz that role…

Henry wanted just Oz though, not Super Oz. And mom did too. He was pretty sure Xav did, and that he still just wasn’t explaining right… Xav liked him, and made him feel like who he was was worth something… But if he said that, it would just sound like he was saying Henry and mom didn’t.

“I’m not going to get lost.” He thought of Xav, drifting away inside a crystal ball, and of himself doing the same with Xav, and his touch and the way he made Oz feel… He wanted to promise Henry that he would be fine, but it echoed too strongly of how Xav had just promised him he was safe with the meds he was on. How could he promise Henry he’d keep his head above water when Xav made him feel like he was drowning? On top of that, what if Henry was just as sad as Xav? What if he was so busy watching his boyfriend that he took his eyes off his brother? He was kicking himself for letting things get out of hand with Xav’s problems, but if anything happened to Henry, he would never forgive himself.

He had been worried that he was a monster for how angry he was with Xav. And even if it was, as Henry said, really sadness and fear and guilt, it was all pushing him in the same direction… Henry’s initial sympathy for his boyfriend, his assertion that he would want forgiveness if the roles were reversed had led him to think that Henry thought he should stay. But it didn’t seem that way.

“He’s not a bad guy,” he assured Henry. “It’s like you said about goodness, and like… life and stuff or being one kind of good but not another. He’s a good guy. But… I don’t know if he’s good for me. You wouldn’t think I was a complete louse if I… I mean, you said, if it was you, you’d want me to forgive you. But it’s different. You’re you, and I meant it when I said I love you more than anyone. And it’s not like I love him.” The words came out too loud, and the way they fell into the silence didn’t quite land where they were supposed to. They clanged and clattered. “I don’t,” Oz tried again. We were just fooling around. The words died in his throat. He and Xav were besties. It had always been fooling around plus feelings. Henry knew that. Henry had watched Oz throw a birthday party for Xav and fret over every detail and act like complete mush when he saw that he’d made Xav happy. It was pointless to deny there were feelings. Just not that feeling. “I mean, that type of love’s not real anyway. It’s just made up by chocolate companies and Hallmark. So. Yeah. I’m not a bad person if I… walk away?”

13 Oz Spellman That is categorically untrue 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 10, 2023 1:21 AM

Okay, maybe there's never more trouble than a Spellman can get themselves into? by Henry Spellman

Oz felt very small and very quiet, despite the fact that he was, as a general rule, neither of those things.

"I'll buy you a cape and some tights if you really want, but your underwear have to remain on the inside, I'm sorry," he said, hoping some dry humor might help again. He wasn't sure that bringing up his brother's underwear in a conversation about his boyfriend was necessarily the move he wanted to make but hopefully the relationship to Superman would make it clear and not totally gross.

"Even if you're Augustus friggin' Gloop," he said quietly, "and you're all full of chocolate and Hallmark, and even if you're a scientist studying dopamine and whatever other chemicals make up this wild ride we're on, and even if none of it is real and even if it all is and even if you're totally lying to us both right now and even if you're not... you're never a bad person for taking a step back. Hell, man, you took a step back from me because you love me."

His mind turned to a topic it hadn't for a very long time: the other half of his and Oz' genetics. To call the man a dad would've been a bit silly since, to Henry's knowledge, the guy didn't even know he and his brother existed. For all Henry knew, they had a whole bunch of other siblings out there somewhere. That was actually kind of a horrifying thought since they didn't know if the guy was a wizard and maybe they had siblings in school or something and... Henry resolved to ask Mr. Row about the wizard version of 23andMe sometime and then put the thought aside.

It was hard to believe love was real when people like their mom's one night stand thing happened, and it was hard to believe love wasn't real when their mom's absolute to-the-bone love for them happened. He didn't really know what to think about it all, but he knew that walking away wasn't ever one sided; for some reason, they weren't meant to have parents, just a mom. That was the best thing for them in his mind and he wouldn't want it any other way.

"Sometimes," he said quietly. "The best thing you can do for yourself and for the other person is to walk away. Some people just need some space. It doesn't have to be forever if you change your mind later. It's okay."

22 Henry Spellman Okay, maybe there's never more trouble than a Spellman can get themselves into? 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 10, 2023 2:47 AM

...that sounds painfully accurate by Oz Spellman

OOC: CW - internalised homophobia/implied slur BIC:

“Just the cape’s fine. I’m not actually a f- - - -” Oz said, opting for the version of the word that would have got a stern frown and a warning 'Oz' not a full name 'Oscar!' reprimand. For a second, his heart felt lighter. Every time Henry directed its attention away from the issue at hand… But then they were right back to it, and it hit the floor all the harder for having been up a moment ago.

“Hey, Augustus Gloop is fat and I am ripped,” he pointed out, wishing he could stay in the space where they were just bantering back and forth. But Henry thought he was lying to them both. Even if he put ‘or even if you're not’ on the end. Henry brought them back to the thing Oz was considering. With the literal worst possible argument possible.

“And that was a fricking terrible mistake. I made it worse for both of us.”

If Henry was trying to convince him that it was okay to walk away sometimes, that really wasn’t the example to pick.

“I just… Maybe this is stupid, but… I keep thinking about exams. They’re next week. And ours are like sixth year ones that don’t really matter. But next year… I know I’m not going to be Mr. Perfect Scores, College Material guy like you. But… I might not totally blow it either. We got given a chance to get out, and I can’t be this distracted. It… it feels like this is the smart choice to make. Right?” he asked. “And by the way, is this what it feels like making them all the time? Because this is painful and crappy and like, I really don’t want to think with my crotch for the rest of my life but I also do like the decisions it makes sometimes. A lot of the time.”

He liked the part where Henry said it didn’t have to be forever. It helped him find the next set of words he needed.

“Do you think that would be a good way to say it? To say I’m focussing on school?” He needed the words ahead of time. Most people would have understood that. Some conversations you just had to pick carefully, especially if you were feeling all messed up. But there was another reason… “I can’t… I have to know how he is. And he has to know… I can’t just walk away… But if I go in there, I’m going to see him looking all sick and sad, and I’m going to want him. I mean, not like right then and there while he’s in a hospital bed and probably smells like vomit. I have some standards. But I’m going to want to fix it, even though I can’t. I’m not gonna be able to see him cry. The damsel in distress thing really works on me. Even when the damsel has a — , apparently. He’ll change my mind. Or, I don’t mean he’ll do anything to me. I’ll change my mind because I’m weak and I always, always want the things that are bad for me.”

13 Oz Spellman ...that sounds painfully accurate 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 10, 2023 11:49 PM

It doesn't have to hurt. by Henry Spellman

Henry rolled his eyes. "What so if you wanna be ripped then you can't have chocolate? I'd rather be fat and happy," he said.

Oz was clearly not vibing with Henry's example but Henry wasn't about to let all of his really good points go undefended so he shook his head. "No, you not telling me what was going on was the part that made it worse for everyone. Taking some space to figure stuff out wouldn't have been all bad on its own. But in this scenario, you're you and Xavier is both those douche-canoes and me. Like if your options are 'keep getting hurt slash get hurt more' or 'let him hurt himself until he gets more help', then take the second option. The only person you absolutely have to keep safe is you, and it doesn't sound like this situation is making you safe inside." Or outside maybe, but Henry wasn't about to point out the logistical, physical, and legal risks his brother was taking.

He pretended to be horribly offended by Oz' next comment. "Thinking about exams is never stupid. Honestly, we could do a lot to get your grades up in a couple classes if you wanted to come join me in the library with some chocolate one of these days." He used the time it took to put words to his joke to also contemplate the question Oz was asking. "Normally I'm all in favor of bending the truth to help everyone feel better, but I don't think he'd believe you. I dunno. Maybe finding a way to just ask for space? You can blame me if you want or something." He also didn't know that Oz was going to stay single and wait around for Xavier to feel better and I want to focus on school seemed like a harsh precursor to dating someone else at some point.

Henry cocked his head, looking a little more closely at his brother for a moment. "Do you think we still look enough alike for me to go for you?" he asked. "Muss me up, call it anxiety?" He glanced at his brother's obviously muscular frame and grimaced. "Maybe not. I'd go with you if you want, though. Or not. I don't know. I'm not so good at the part where you actually have to interact with people."

22 Henry Spellman It doesn't have to hurt. 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 11, 2023 7:25 PM

Sadly, I don't think that's true any more by Oz Spellman

"I never wanted space from you," Oz clarified, worried that Henry still seemed to be mixing up some of those details. He had only ever pulled away to keep Henry safe. He didn't like either of Henry's options for Xavier. Nor did he like how much sense they made... He wanted the option where no one got hurt. But he wasn't going to say that because he didn't want to hear that it didn't exist... That was already painfully apparent when one person was in hospital and the other in tears.

Oz had never been on an airplane. He'd never been told to put his oxygen mask on before helping others. Never had the chance to internalise the simple, logical truth of the fact that if you were taken out of the equation, you couldn't do anything for anyone. Besides which, he'd always been a 'we' not an 'I,' and he had always been the strong one. The people he absolutely had to keep safe were Henry and himself, and the pack animal in him wanted to extend that protection to Xavier too. Maybe it was one of the things Henry just didn't get because he was an introvert - Oz could not be safe and happy without other people.

But right now, Henry was worrying, and part of keeping Henry safe was making sure he didn't worry, so if he needed to hear that Oz would look after himself, then... Fine. Even if there was no version of this where Oz didn't get hurt.

"I'm gonna do the smart thing," he promised. It wasn't the first time he'd said that but he had a clear example of how to follow through this time.

"I'm not gonna let you take the fall for me," he said pointedly. That was one option that was never, ever on the table. Henry had seen him cut his hair and knew now that it was to make sure no one ever mistook where the trouble should land. Henry had seen his boggart.

"Uh, even if we still looked the same, and even if he's kind of out of it right now, I do like to think he'd be able to tell." Besides which, they didn't... The thought of Henry being him didn't push his buttons quite as much as it might have, mostly because it was hypothetical and not for something dangerous. He hoped. Xav's magic had been out of control lately... Oz didn't think he'd be throwing hexes across the room though. He really hoped not, because if he was in that kind of mood, he'd still be putting Henry at risk... But at least Henry had shown a willingness to go. It made easier to ask for what he wanted... "Would you go as you, instead of me? Take a message? If I work it out beforehand, like the best thing to say, but you say it... He can't change my mind if I'm not there."

13 Oz Spellman Sadly, I don't think that's true any more 1514 0 5

Henry Spellman

May 11, 2023 10:11 PM

It doesn't have to hurt alone. by Henry Spellman

Henry breathed a small sigh of relief, glad that Oz didn't want him to go as Oz. It would've been extremely awkward if Xavier had tried to make out with him or something, or was comfortable with a level of nudity in the hospital that was best reserved for nurses and significant others. Still, Oz did want Henry to go. Whatever part of him was nervous about that didn't even have room to think when Henry agreed immediately.

"Yes," he said. "Absolutely I'll go." Anything to keep Oz safe and anything to keep Oz from the center of a very very bad situation with a possibly bad person. He would even be nice and friendly and calm and there would be no risk of him ruining anything because things weren't going to continue. Oz could be safe. The only thing he knew would hurt was going to be the moment that Xavier looked up, and momentarily maybe thought Oz had come. It always hurt to disappoint people, even if it was a good thing. If it did happen, he would never ever ever tell Oz.

"Mom would be proud, you know. She will be proud, if you tell her. I'm proud of you too."

22 Henry Spellman It doesn't have to hurt alone. 1513 0 5

Oz Spellman

May 14, 2023 8:32 AM

It does for someone else... by Oz Spellman

“Go me, I kicked someone while they were down,” Oz deadpanned. And not just any someone. His best non-biologically related friend. His boyfriend. Was he really going to do this? “I know what you mean,” he added, before Henry could try and argue him into seeing himself as the good guy, or heap more praise on him for making the smart-but-sucky choice. “And thanks.” It was good to hear it, even if it was going to take a long time before he could accept it.

“We’ll see,” he said, both covering how much he’d tell mom about it, and how overjoyed she’d be at his brilliant choices. Made, once again, far too late to stop himself and someone else getting hurt. Like when he’d broken his arm. Like when he’d pushed Henry out. It didn’t count for much if you only made the choice to swim for shore once you were already drowning. You were supposed to realise before you got to that point, and yet time and again he didn’t. Given that the common denominator in all these bad decisions was him never knowing when to do the right thing, he couldn’t help but feel another pang of responsibility—that somehow, what had happened to Xavier was all his fault.

Which was why Henry had to go instead of him. Because the rational part of him that said it wasn’t was so much smaller than his fears and doubts.

“Okay,” he sighed, his voice tight and sarcastic. “How do I tell someone lying in hospital that I want nothing more to do with him, without hurting his feelings?”

13 Oz Spellman It does for someone else... 1514 0 5