Strategising on Charms

Xavier Lundstrom

September 19, 2021 5:23 AM

Strategising by Xavier Lundstrom

OOC: Set before the first Charms class. I am able to write background actions involving Professor Skies as she is also mine. BIC:

Xavier made his way to Professor Wright's office. He had had a long discussion with Professor Skies that had been a lot about feelings and settling back in. The upshot seemed to be that she was talking to the facility people about his report and their ideas, and hopefully they would have a full plan by the end of the first month regarding his additional lessons. Part of that was dependent on how well he managed with being back. In the meantime, he was to talk to Professor Wright about strategies that might help him in class. It might not be that they found the exact thing right away. If it was that easy it wouldn't be this complicated. But they could start trying different things, and be reviewing them, and feed that information into his overall plan. So, basically, everyone was just stabbing in the dark.

He paused in the corridor outside Professor Wright's room. His reports would have been passed on to him too. Professor Wright would know that the scans of his latent ability and the stress tests they had put him through revealed higher than average magical energy. There was no magical reason why he should be failing. Which meant he had no idea why he was failing. His magic was just stuck, and he had no idea how to unstick it, only that he was dangerous until he did.

His wand was already gripped so tight in his hand that his knuckles were white around it. He knocked and went in, trying not to look like he was pointing it anywhere in particular, but equally making sure he was ready.

"Good afternoon, sir," he said, stopping at the corner of Professor Wright's desk. "We're supposed to try some strategies?" It came out as a question, as he took a prolonged glance around the room.

13 Xavier Lundstrom Strategising 1529 1 5

Grayson Wright

September 26, 2021 9:28 PM

It's a good place to start. by Grayson Wright

The room Xavier looked around was unusually organized, by its own standards. This, of course, was mostly because its owner had responded to anxiety by putting the filing cabinets in order instead of just rummaging through and then heaping the items he needed on the desk. Indeed, when Xavier looked around it, he might have (if he was not the sort of person to instinctively start looking at books on shelves and instinctively making judgments about the personality which had collected them) been as struck by what was missing as what was present: specifically, that was, the usual sorts of personal effects. There was a bird-shaped paperweight displayed more than kept on the desk, which had been a gift, and what looked like a small tree with large leaves in a large pot by the window. The desk was tucked into the left back corner of the room, just enough forward to allow Professor Wright to sit behind it and look across the room to the door; a dozen candles floated above it to give decent light for reading and writing, and on the wall behind it, there was a small, empty bulletin board, a small, nondescript quote-of-the-day calendar, and a framed promotional poster for an old wireless program, which closer inspection would show had a number of handwritten notes on it. That was all.

This state of order would not, of course, last. Books would migrate to the classroom and back again, sometimes bringing friends along and cluttering the bookshelves, or else leaving gaps when volumes of one size went out and slimmer ones came back. Stacks of folders and loose papers would accumulate around the margins of the desk, along with several more ink bottles than the one currently neatly placed just so on the stand his cousin had bought him when he'd gotten his first job. It might be a month before broken quills started sticking out of things, but that would happen, too. Grayson Wright had never been the tidiest of people when it came to things he regularly worked with, and at school, he thought he was doing well if he at least kept his tendency toward stacking things he expected to use soon onto the floor limited to the room he slept in and didn't allow it to spread to his office or classroom. It was a neat space, though, that Xavier came into for his first strategy session, one that probably looked like what people expected from their somewhat fussy, dully-dressed Charms teacher.

"Good afternoon, Xavier," he greeted the boy. "Yes - have a seat, if you want," he added, with a nod to the reasonably comfortable guest chair the room had come with.

"So. Strategy for your classes. If I may - I think a good place to start might be with relaxing your grip there a little," he continued, noticing the way Xavier was holding his wand. "That doesn't look very comfortable, and one of my goals, at least, is for you to eventually find using your wand at least as comfortable as, say, wearing shoes. Maybe there are times you don't, or just would rather not, but you don't think twice about doing it under the right circumstances.

"Another thing I think might be helpful is to consider your goals," he continued. "So - strategizing for class is a broad subject. Let's start with this week. It's unlikely you'll cast spells perfectly this week - not least because most second years have trouble getting back into wandwork," he added pointedly. "Are there points you'd like to aim for, or anything you'd particularly like to avoid?"

16 Grayson Wright It's a good place to start. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

September 27, 2021 7:53 AM

I've got goals too by Xavier Lundstrom

Sit. Relax. Those were his first two instructions. Xavier sat. His eyes roved around the room again, looking at the books on the shelves, staring intently at the candles that were floating above his head. He watched them for a long moment, eyes narrowed. He was supposed to relax… ’How?’ was the question that sprung to his mind, but he doubted Professor Wright would appreciate him asking it. He altered his arm position, so that his wand was slightly lowered, though his grip on it remained as tight as before. The move hadn’t really eased the tension in his arm either, just pointed it in a different direction.

They moved on to goals. And however much Professor Wright tried to narrow it down to the here and now, and this week, he had one goal, and he knew what it was.

“I want to go home. At Christmas, I want to go home and see my mom and my family like everyone else gets to.” His voice was almost pleading. “I’ll do whatever you want.” He would try anyway. He couldn’t promise to make magic suddenly start flowing from his fingertips, which seemed to be what everyone wanted of him.

“I can try in class. I am trying. I was trying all of last year, it just doesn’t—but if you want me to keep going to class and waving my wand, I will. Or if you want me to leave class and do special lessons, I will. Just tell me what I have to do to see my mom.”

13 Xavier Lundstrom I've got goals too 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

September 27, 2021 8:24 PM

That's good. Now you just need to break it down into concrete steps. by Grayson Wright

Well. This is going swimmingly.

His face creased slightly in sympathy as Xavier pled with him, but he didn't interrupt as the boy went on until it seemed like he'd reached the end of what he felt he needed to say. He took a moment more afterward, too, to consider what to say in reply to that. There was no such thing as the right thing to say, something that would make the situation better, but there were many, many completely wrong things to say, and he wanted to not say one of those.

"I'm not the person who gets to decide when you can do that," he began at last. This was why he had his reservations about the strategy of completely separating the boy from his mother when he still wanted her so much; Xavier's condition meant he obviously couldn't be left alone with her, especially when they had not established exactly what had traumatized Xavier to the point that he was suppressing his own abilities and could suddenly lose control of them altogether at any time, but the current arrangement created a whole new obstacle to working effectively with Xavier. If he developed outright performance anxiety.... "So I can't promise you anything as far as that goes. I'm only here to help you find new ways to gain better control over your abilities.

"I know you tried all last year," he acknowledged. "And yes - I would like for you to keep coming to class and trying your best to participate. So. If I could tell you one specific thing to do, it would be to not get anxious about making mistakes - there's not some quota where if you fumble one too many spells, there's no chance of getting what you want. Unfortunately, I also know that telling you not to get anxious is...not something that's going to work," he acknowledged. "Sort of like how telling you to relax a moment ago doesn't seem to have worked," he added, noticing Xavier's arm. "So. New plan. Why don't you put the wand down completely for a minute, and then try improving your hold on it when you pick it up again?"

"The next thing I'd suggest is that you always tell me, or any other adults you're working with on this, the truth," he said. "If something isn't working for you - say so. If you need to take a break while you're working on something, say so. If something I suggest you try sounds completely ridiculous and useless, say that too. Sometimes, we can adjust. Other times, we can explain why we're asking you to do the thing anyway. But don't try to guess what you think we want to hear or anything like that. It won't help. I know that sounds like a platitude, but I'm being literal here," he added, feeling that was an important point to underline. "Everyone tends to get a little worse at magic if they're trying to suppress strong feelings. Trying to put on an act for us will not help. It might even make things worse. Understand? That makes sense?"

"So. Strategy. Last year, I went over some exercises in tutoring with you that you were having some success with, remember? I think it could be useful to begin again there with some review. Grounding and centering yourself, and some thinking in analogies while you're working with your wand. Does that sound useful?"

16 Grayson Wright That's good. Now you just need to break it down into concrete steps. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

September 28, 2021 8:57 AM

How many and what are they? by Xavier Lundstrom

It was the same answer Professor Skies had given him when he had begged and pleaded with her. Xavier wasn’t sure he was loving the consistency. It shouldn’t have hit him all over again that yet another adult was slamming the door in his face and refusing to tell him how to get hold of the key. It wasn’t like he had expected Professor Wright to really be able to answer that. But hope and love and desperation weren’t always rational. He slumped a little, eyes darting away as they blinked back tears. This was his mom they were talking about. Did no one else understand that? Was there something wrong with wizards that they thought this was normal? Except he wasn’t allowed to say things like that.

Professor Wright knew that he had tried. That was something, at least. He really had… It didn’t make him much happier about parting with his wand, but it helped a little bit. Something that helped even a little was a pleasant change. Carefully, he lowered it to the table, his hand hovering close by, wondering if this was a figurative minute or a literal one. He waited. Nothing happened. And when he picked up his wand again, it was with slightly less of a death grip on it, though it still looked far from comfortable or natural.

The next thing he was told to do was to be honest about his feelings. It was tempting to put on a smile and nod ‘yes sir’ to that. It seemed like one of those situations where he was doomed either way. If he smiled and nodded and said ‘yes sir’ he was going against Professor Wright’s stated instructions. But if he sulked and kicked and screamed-if he didn’t play nicely- the adults would not be pleased, and if the adults were displeased, he would not be allowed to go home.

“I’ll try to remember that,” he stated, eyes brushing the floor in a way that said he did not want Professor Wright looking into his soul right now.

“Maybe?” he said hesitantly, when Professor Wright’s solution to this new and alarming problem seemed to be trying the same old things as last year. The steady, standard wand exercises. He hesitated, something else clearly poised on the edge of his lips, waiting for a silence big enough to push him into saying it. “You’re not going to do it like they did at the centre?” he checked.

13 Xavier Lundstrom How many and what are they? 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

September 28, 2021 9:09 PM

That's what we need to figure out. by Grayson Wright

Soul-gazing was not prominent among Professor Wright's talents, and on the whole, he preferred it that way. He had no plans to change that state of affairs. Dealing with the contents of his own head was more than enough work of that sort for him without rummaging around in other people's willy-nilly. He was, however, reasonably observant, and in the past few years, he'd had cause to learn to apply that trait to the task of interpreting student behavior.

Applying it now to Xavier Lundstrom's behavior specifically, he did not like what he saw. He did not like it at all.

An aversion to eye contact could have meant anything. Even the hesitancy to answer could have been taken a few different ways. Putting them together, though, and adding in Xavier's question, then remembering that the phrase 'stress test' had appeared in the rather sparse information which had been shared with him about the specifics of Xavier's case so far, and then reflecting on how Xavier was clinging to his wand....The boy's problem was supposed to be that he wanted to push his powers away, to deny them so completely that he was at risk of them taking on a sort of life of their own. But he was clinging to his wand now like a lifeline.

Does this kid...actually think I'm going to attack him, or something else grotesque like that?

There were about as many ways to be an Aladren as there were Aladrens, but it was possible to make some broad categories. Professor Wright felt he had always fallen into 'not much like the Political wing of the House.' He had been born with a natural deficit, he thought, in the area of Stridency, which disqualified him from most Causes even if he agreed with them, and the idea of craving power and influence for their own sakes was more than a bit alien to him. At the moment, though, putting what he knew about how the system had handled Evelyn beside his new, deeply uncomfortably suspicions about how it had handled Xavier, he thought he might understand the political-leaning members of his fellows a bit better now. He would have liked very much to have a chance to shout - well, furiously lecture, anyway; he wasn't sure he could sustain raising his voice for as long as it would take to say his piece - for a long time at some of the people who did have power and influence right now. Were a few corridors of MACUSA actually in competition to see who could make the most spectacular messes out of troubled children?

Maybe he was over-reacting because of how bad it had turned out Evelyn's situation really had been. Maybe he was reading too much into it. Maybe Xavier was just confused about why he wasn't doing things the way the professionals had. It was possible. He just didn't think it was very likely.

"I haven't heard many details about exactly what they did at the center," he said carefully. "So I don't know. I...don't think it's likely, though." He adjusted his glasses. "I asked you to be honest with me, so it's only fair that I do the same with you," he said. "Professor Skies asked me to work with you on this because I've worked well with other students who've had trouble controlling their magic in the past, but I don't have any...official credentials in this area. I don't think the professionals could just teach you the correct trick in one go and solve the problem instantly, because, well, if they could, they probably already would have, but I know I can't. That's why it's important that you speak up if something isn't working well, or if you'd be more comfortable working with one of your other teachers, or with anything else that bothers you - You're the one who'll have to do the hard work, I'm afraid. All I can do is keep finding new directions to point you in until we find the ones you find most useful and feel the most comfortable with. So." He couldn't think of anything to end that speech with which wouldn't sound ridiculous, so he just stopped talking to see how Xavier reacted.

16 Grayson Wright That's what we need to figure out. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

September 29, 2021 4:20 AM

Okay... by Xavier Lundstrom

It wasn't going to be like the centre. So far, there wasn't a lot to go off to say what it would be like. However, that was a promising start. Professor Wright wanted to go over what they had done last year. He said it had started working. Xavier tried to cast his mind back but it felt like an impossibly long time ago. He also couldn't remember a time when he had felt like he was doing well.

The encouragement to speak up was repeated. Xavier nodded, still avoiding eye contact. Maybe Professor Wright was going to do things a different way but he would still have to keep records. His records would be passed to the centre. The centre would decide whether Xavier got to see his mom again based on that information. He didn't want to slog away at things that made no difference, but he was aware that a couple of careless remarks could cause all sorts of complications.

"Okay," he said, when Professor Wright finished speaking. The rod in his spine softened a little. He did not fully relax back into the chair, but he no longer looked ready to spring out of it. "That sounds good." It was said with a flat enough affect that it could have been taken as disingenuous, but really, nothing was actually 'good' right now.

"In class..." he began the thought out loud, returning to Professor Wright's previous line of questioning. "I don't want to be humiliated. I feel like I'm gonna keep trying and trying, and then get overtaken by first years. And then everybody's gonna know there's something wrong with me. And they'll laugh at me, or if they work it out, are they gonna be afraid of me? Am I dangerous? And like you said, there's no trick I can use to fix it, and cover up how much I'm struggling. What if I keep trying and trying and it's just...not working?"

13 Xavier Lundstrom Okay... 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

September 30, 2021 6:48 PM

Step two, select a first thing to try. by Grayson Wright

The right thing to say didn't exist, but something he'd said had - unlikely though it seemed - apparently been the right enough thing, for now. Xavier was still tense, but noticeably less so than he had been, and he started talking...more normally, at least.

And so I also gain more evidence for a theory I really would rather find evidence against. Curse it all, I don't want to slip off into being a muckraker, but at this rate....

"Those are understandable concerns," he said for the present. "And ones it's difficult to answer in ways that won't sound like I stole what I'm saying from a book of quotations for teachers. For what it's worth, though - right now, no, I don't think you're a danger to others. Of course, we all have the capability to be dangerous" - something that doubtless sounded entirely absurd coming from him of all people - "but there's a long way between being capable of something and really doing it, and I can't imagine many situations arising in class that would make you - or anyone else - lose much control. You attended these same classes all last year and I don't recall you standing out for creating any more situations where someone could get hurt than anyone else in class.

"As for your classmates - it's very unlikely that anyone will figure it out. Most of them don't pay that much attention, I don't think, and even if someone does - your condition's extremely rare. I would be amazed if anyone else in Beginner's has even heard of it." Even the ones from families where magical ability was taken so seriously that a lack of it could end in dead children were unlikely to know much about this. After all, why would any of their parents have ever had cause to even imagine why someone would ever want to suppress magical talent? He would have wagered money that if he described certain things about Evelyn's life to some of the parents here, at least a few would think the most monstrous thing her father had done had been to try to encourage her to see herself as talentless. "So they're unlikely to figure it out, and therefore unlikely to be afraid." Unless he lost control of his powers altogether, but if that happened, then they would all have far more serious things to worry about than the opinions of the other first and second years.

"Right now...a follow-up question, if I may," he said. "What do you know about your condition, exactly? What did they tell you about it?" He was concerned by the talk of 'trying and trying and nothing's working', as though it were something mechanical and external they were dealing with, and by Xavier's choice of the phrase 'cover up.' Covering up struggles was what had most likely caused his condition, so that was...problematic, if he wasn't reading too much into a really very common phrase.

16 Grayson Wright Step two, select a first thing to try. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 01, 2021 5:25 AM

I would like to try not exploding by Xavier Lundstrom

Everyone could be dangerous. Xavier tilted his head at this remark. Internally, he agreed. Wizards had a whole range of spells that could harm you in ways he hadn’t thought possible, along with trees which fought back and literal monsters that lurked under the bed. He wasn’t sure how much he was allowed to voice the notion that this world was a scary one, and it was strange to hear an adult acknowledge it.

Beyond that, Professor Wright’s speech seemed to shrink the impossibly big task of ‘learn magic and don’t explode’ to something a little more concrete. Namely, picking up where he had left off last year. In the first class, there would be plenty of people struggling. Admittedly, most of them first years, but there would still be people warming back up from the summer. He might not stand out too badly in the first class. By the time it got to the point where he might be at risk of standing out, maybe they’d have figured something out. Maybe.

“I go to class and I just… keep trying? Like normal?” he reconfirmed the plan. “And I try not to get wound up, and think about it like we did last year, if I can?” He remembered last year likening magic to skating. Dropping onto a ramp, the wind gently blowing in his hair, had felt like the ultimate sense of relaxation and freedom. It seemed far away. He wasn’t sure he could think about skating the park near his house with his brother without it squeezing like a hand around his heart. And it also wasn’t a very magical way to be thinking.

Professor Wright’s next question wasn’t totally unexpected. He didn’t think they could exactly discuss what was wrong with him without… well, discussing what was wrong with him. Xavier hitched a leg up onto the seat, wrapping his arms around it and hugging it to his chest as his brain scrambled to find the words. It shouldn’t have been hard. It had been the only topic of conversation for the past two weeks… Except, he realised, that whilst he had heard a lot about his condition, and what experts thought of it, and been asked to agree and say he understood, he hadn’t really had to put it into his own words before.

“I have magic. Just as much as anyone else here. Maybe actually more. But I can’t get it out, and that’s not good for me. It sort of… builds up inside, like…” He wasn’t sure if he could say ‘like a toxin in the bloodstream.’ He tried to remember if those words had been used by anyone else. He wasn’t supposed to talk about magic in negative terms. He shrugged the simile off. “It just does, and that’s not good. That’s why I get migraines. It’s what happens when I fight against my own magic inside myself.” So, at last he had it. That long sought for answer, which had really cystalised the meaning of ‘be careful what you wish for’ for him. “And it could turn really, really bad. At the moment, it’s just making things go wrong for me, but it could turn into like… an actual thing that’s living inside my body and wants to break me up from the inside out.” He clutched his leg tighter, trying to make himself stop shaking. He did not want to explode. He almost said so out loud but suspected that sounded silly. Even if the really silly thing was worrying about how he might look stupid in class when he might actually die from this. Possibly without ever seeing his mom again. He swallowed hard against tears, but they were still very visible.

“And it’s psychological. There’s no physical reason why I can’t do magic, I’ve just got this stupid mental block, and… And it’s like you said. I just need to not think that like. But it’s easier said than done.”

13 Xavier Lundstrom I would like to try not exploding 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 01, 2021 8:08 PM

I approve of that course of action. by Grayson Wright

"That's a good place to start," Gray agreed when Xavier made a good summary of Step One: going to class and trying. "If you're all right with it - " well, he supposed it had been inevitable, and wondered if Selina had known that and just...arranged matters so he'd end up volunteering - "I'd also like to set up regular tutoring - for lack of a better term - sessions for you outside of class - times where we can go over what's gone well and what hasn't in more detail, consider options for how to improve on what hasn't, and where you have a supervised space to practice spellcasting without the pressures of all your classmates seeing you work or anything affecting your grades. Does that sound like an acceptable arrangement?"

It took some effort to maintain a more or less politely impassive mask as Xavier explained his own understanding of his condition. It was nothing entirely unexpected, but it made for difficult listening all the same. It was less, he thought, what was said than it was how the kid said it.

"Much, much easier said than done," he agreed quietly. "Especially - well, I'd imagine especially if you were frustrated to begin with, and then strangers took charge of your life all of a sudden and told you about all the worst-case scenarios wrapped up in medical language, hm?" Because of course, the approach the geniuses at MACUSA had taken had almost certainly involved taking someone with a disorder strongly related to and affected by feelings of powerlessness and desperation and doing...whatever they had done to make the patient feel even more powerless and clearly more than a little desperate.... "Though I'm not entirely sure I'd classify a psychological block as a completely non-physical reason. Psyche, the soul - it's a bit odd, as far as body parts go, but it is one. Ghosts are imprints left behind by them, and a body without one has no detectable consciousness even if it is technically still alive - you might learn about that sort of thing in later Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, it's a bit above Beginner level," he added. "But anyway - I'd think it's no stupider than anything else that can cause problems - and it's no more your fault than if you'd been born with one arm, or had a stutter, or didn't see well, or...you get the gist. So. That's just an idea to consider - I can't tell you how to think about things, and I probably wouldn't if I could," he added.

The last clause of that sentence was, though, a tricky area. If he could just tell Xavier how to feel and think, then voila, the problem would be solved. He had always jealously clung to the right to think what he pleased - or didn't please but thought anyway, or even simply couldn't avoid thinking of - inside his own head, though. His actions were, to some extent, public property, and the public had a right to opinions about some of them; his mind was his own. It got ethically dodgy, though, when he considered the idea that Xavier could literally kill himself, all without meaning to at all, with his....

"May I offer a recommendation? You're under no obligation to accept it, or even to tell me if you do or don't. You might try writing out your thoughts. The root causes of your condition - whatever it was that made you afraid or angry about being a wizard, even before you knew what one was - is something none of us can put a finger on for you - that's something you have to work out for yourself, even if there is some help people can give you with coming to terms with it once you've identified it. I often find that forcing thoughts out onto paper makes them easier to organize and acknowledge, even if there's, say, invisible ink involved, or burning the paper after writing on it. Just a suggestion - I know some people who would rather run through the Cascade Hall with their hair on fire than write anything." He probably wasn't being literal - probably....

16 Grayson Wright I approve of that course of action. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 11, 2021 5:20 AM

Mmm hmmm by Xavier Lundstrom

Xavier nodded. He was pretty sure that extra sessions were not optional at this point, and he wondered what it meant that Professor Wright was phrasing it like they were. He was phrasing a lot of things like choices. Did it mean they all were, or none of them were?

Though so far, if he had to meet with anyone, he would much rather it was Professor Wright than someone from the center. Professor Wright seemed reasonable, and gentle. He had to remind himself that didn't mean he was. It was an odd thing to be suspicious of adults. For the most part in life, adults had been people could trust. Now they were people who took your words and twisted them, using them against you. Professor Wright also gave a pretty accurate summary of how it felt to have been scooped up by MACUSA against his will. He tipped his head, giving a non-commital gesture. Just because Professor Wright was saying it didn't mean that it was safe for Xavier to agree with it. He had heard of good cop/bad cop routines and seen it done in cartoons. Perhaps he was meeting the good cop right now. They still worked together behind your back though.

"How about you?" he asked, wondering how far he'd get by turning the tables on Professor Wright. "What's your understanding of my condition? What did they tell you about me?"

13 Xavier Lundstrom Mmm hmmm 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 11, 2021 3:15 PM

Is that a noise of something-vaguely-positive or of skepticism? by Grayson Wright

The question was, Gray had to admit, a fair one. It was also quite clearly a potentially incredibly heavily loaded one. He would have to proceed somewhat carefully here, especially in phrasing; he had a feeling that Xavier might be looking for deception, so that wasn't an option at all, but phrasing could make a good deal of difference.

"'They', as you say, haven't told me much so far," he said. "You've got a formal diagnosis of Borderline Obscurialism - you've developed a psychological resistance to the idea of magic, or at least the idea of using magic. Everyone is very concerned about where that resistance came from, why you developed it.; they're afraid your family could have negative attitudes toward magic that could be making it worse for you. Some tests indicate you have significant latent magical ability. That's about all I've been explicitly told." Specific terms were important, especially with someone who was blatantly in a state of heightened anxiety and probably distrust for authority.

"As for my broader understanding - well, a lot of it's drawn from very old books, because your condition's so rare. An Obscurus - the parasitic force that can form in a full case - usually only forms because a child somehow comes to hate and fear magic, usually due to something traumatic that happened, and wants to reject a magical identity so intensely that that desire - fractures the person somehow, internally. That hardly ever happens anymore, though, at least in this part of the world, because of measures like the Statute of Secrecy - in magical families, it's a source of great pride, even celebration, when parents become sure their children are magical, and among Muggleborns like yourself, in theory, no-one around you should know that magic is real. That makes it much harder for fear of being hanged or burned or drowned or - whatever was in fashion in any given century - to drive parents to, say, try to beat the magic out of a child, or else for the child to try to suppress their own powers just to survive.

"After that, I can only venture into speculation, since your case doesn't seem to align with much of that at all. You didn't know magic was real until last year, correct? And as far as you know, neither did anyone around you? Much less anyone who'd tell you it was wrong to use?"

16 Grayson Wright Is that a noise of something-vaguely-positive or of skepticism? 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 11, 2021 7:10 PM

Oh, agreement, of course by Xavier Lundstrom

Xavier wondered whether there was some future point where he would have heard this information so many times he developed a sort of numbness to it. They were not yet at that point. Words like 'parasite' and 'internal fracture' still made his stomach twist. His desire to see his family again was so all-consuming that sometimes his actual feelings about the diagnosis got buried. It hit him as a fresh wave of fear every time the fact he could literally explode came up, especially since Professor Wright had brought his soul into it.

Though, once again, the feelings about his family wrestled the fear of his diagnosis, pushing it into the background, as Professor Wright talked about the one bit he had side-stepped: causes.

"My parents do not beat me!" he all but yelled, looking at Professor Wright as if he was sick in the head. "None of the rest of that stuff happens either," he added more quietly. Professor Wright had seemed to assign it all to another century, so Xavier was much less concerned about him really thinking that. It was also too abstract and ridiculous to need to explain that society didn't burn witches, whereas he did know that some parents beat their kids. That was a very real and tangible twenty-first century accusation, and a grave insult.

Had he known magic was real before last year? Officially, no. Though sometimes things had happened that he couldn't explain. He had been aware of that, and how had he explained it? He knew the conversation this led to. He also knew you didn't need to see direct evidence of something to cultivate the general air that it was wrong. He guessed homosexuality was different because other people knew it existed out in the world, but even before it had been more than a blip on his own radar, people had been managing to have opinions about it at him. Ones his mother had taken steps to protect him against. And non-magical people knew about unicorns, and wrote about magic in stories, and could have opinions on that... He gave a shrug in response to Professor Wright's question.

13 Xavier Lundstrom Oh, agreement, of course 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 12, 2021 9:25 PM

That's nice, then. by Grayson Wright

Sometimes, Gray wondered if he should be less lenient about students raising their voices at him. His reasoning for being relatively tolerant of it still seemed sound to him - it generally seemed that it was less a personal insult than the sort of automatic response anyone could have under stress - but there presumably had to be some good reason why he wasn't really supposed to, didn't there? If there was, though, right now did not seem like the moment to work on figuring it out. Instead, then, he just nodded.

"Glad to hear it," he said calmly. "I don't know much about the Muggle world in general, much less about Muggle parenting. Sometimes you do hear of people who do that sort of thing here, and I disapprove of it."

He tilted his head slightly, considering, when a yes-or-no question was responded to collectively with a shrug. "I'd appreciate it if you could...elaborate a little on that?" he said. "My best guess is that you're saying you don't know if anyone around you knew about magic, but I prefer to deal in facts instead of guesses, if you're willing to say. Beyond that...I'm speculating that one of the reasons why your condition has remained in this borderline state might have something to do with not knowing what magic was, with the suppression being something you didn't do on purpose - something you might not have known you were doing at all. You didn't seem to dislike the idea of magic itself last year to me - you seemed like you wanted to learn, and you were doing your best to learn. Consciously, at least. Does that sound like a fair description?" he asked.

16 Grayson Wright That's nice, then. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 14, 2021 6:45 AM

Yup. Everything is lovely. by Xavier Lundstrom

"O-kay," Xavier said haltingly when Professor Wright declared himself to be against the beating (and burning etc?) of children. Whilst that was sort of good to know, it did also feel like the kind of thing that shouldn't really need saying. He knew, theoretically, of some parents who thought a smack was a reasonable form of punishment, but not really anyone he could think of in his immediate circle. Were wizards so punishment-happy that you needed a stance on beating kids? He guessed with Quidditch and all the hexing, they did seem to have a tendency to find violence inconsequential or even amusing. Not that he would dare voice such dissenting opinions out loud. He tried to reconcile that with how hard they were coming down on his parents over absolutely nothing. If wizards didn't care how kids were treated, why had they taken him away? He just couldn't make sense of this world sometimes.

He stiffened a little as Professor Wright found his answer unacceptable. He tried not to physically wriggle under the scrutiny, as Professor Wright carefully tore his answer apart and probed for more information. He tried to keep his face neutral and polite, even as his insides stiffened into a scowl. The schooled blankness was mask-like and quite obvious. Except, then Professor Wright came back to the fact that he had been trying.

"Yeah," Xavier agreed quietly, the edge off his voice. "I mean, it's right about me. No one believed real magic existed," he confirmed Professor Wright's other query, deciding that - as he'd given him that to confirm or deny - the easiest thing was just to stick to that. No more, no less, unless he had to.

13 Xavier Lundstrom Yup. Everything is lovely. 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 14, 2021 9:48 PM

I'm not sure I'd go that far yet. by Grayson Wright

Xavier didn't sound entirely confident about Gray's assertion that he was opposed to violence against children, which worried him further. Perhaps he shouldn't have acknowledged the capacity of any wizard to pose a danger to another earlier; he'd hoped that would make the poor boy feel less like a freak of nature, but that could have backfired....

He couldn't say for sure what was going on behind the very artificial, mask-like expression Xavier assumed,, but he doubted it was anything good. 'Good' did not seem to be the word for anything going on in Xavier's head right now, really. He just wished he knew whether Xavier was closer to panic or bursting out into anger again, this time more dramatically, perhaps -

And then, suddenly, Xavier was...less aggressive. He had responded well before, too, Gray thought, when his efforts last year had been mentioned. Well, that made sense, but just the same, he made a mental note to make a physical note of it later. It didn't seem like the kind of thing that needed to go down in a file, but he thought that it was better to note details, even if he wasn't necessarily the best at keeping up with where he made the notes. He'd have to make an effort to keep track this time, though, because Xavier, like Evelyn, seemed traumatized, but also, unlike Evelyn, appeared to be shutting down entirely instead of flailing around essentially screaming for help.

"Thank you," he said. "That's helpful to know. So, let me check that I understand everything correctly - neither you nor anyone you know knew that magic was real, so you didn't have the idea that you would be punished or ostracized for using it?" He considered his next question carefully. "I know it might be difficult to answer, since you didn't know what you were doing, but if you had to guess - if you did notice anything you couldn't explain when you were younger, and realized, maybe, that you could have been responsible for it - how do you think you might have reacted to it, and why do you think you might have reacted that way?"

16 Grayson Wright I'm not sure I'd go that far yet. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 15, 2021 10:45 PM

You're very hard to please by Xavier Lundstrom

Xavier wanted to just give a head jerk to the information provided by Professor Wright, but that hadn’t gone so well last time. Actually, what he really wanted was to explain to him how thoroughly wrong he was, and how he should just let Xavier go home. That hadn’t gone over well any of the times he’d tried it though, and the more difficult he was, the less likely he was to get to see his family. He nodded.

Professor Wright was trying to dig in, and pull open his past to pick over it some more. Like that wouldn’t be easy enough for him to read in the files, when he got them. This time he chanced a shrug, though accompanied it with a justification.

“You said you prefer to deal in facts, not speculation. Sir.” The last word was hard, like almost all the words in his sentences had been, and it was hard to tell whether it was meant as a genuine concession to politeness or as sarcasm. He tried not to fidget under Professor Wright’s gaze, but found it impossible to resist twisting his hands together.

“Can we just… do some breathing exercises or something you want me to use in class? Or can I...go?” he ventured.

13 Xavier Lundstrom You're very hard to please 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 17, 2021 7:18 PM

And you are going to be a difficult case, I think. by Grayson Wright

Finally, some pushback. Gray couldn't say he particularly enjoyed getting pushback as a matter of course, but it was a relief to see some here, however slight it might be. Xavier was - probably - testing a line here, seeing what happened if it was pressed a bit, and that was - hopefully - a step in the right direction. With any luck, it meant, at least, that he thought the hypothesis that nothing disagreeable would happen to him as a result was at least worth conducting an experiment on.

"Very true, where I can," he said agreeably. "Unfortunately, there are always areas where facts are difficult to find."

Xavier, however, had clearly been pushed as far as he was willing to go for now. There might be a time when pushing him further than he wanted to go in some way could be helpful to him, but that time was definitely not any portion of today. Right now, he was mostly concerned about the kid learning - or re-learning, as it were - a sense of control, within reasonable limits, over his own life, and along with probably re-learning the concept of other people having some respect for that as well. Curse the twice-cursed Congress, or at least the portions of it so incompetent that he, someone who had hardly ever been around children between being one and taking this job, felt he compared favorably to them sometimes....

"The first option might do you better in class, though I won't stop you if you want to leave," he said carefully. "I apologize if it seems I was wandering off-task - on the whole, it - could - prove helpful to establish if the thing you'd need to direct your mind away from is more related to fear or anger. However, at the moment, I suspect you're dealing with both, so some general self-calming and redirection techniques do seem to be in order." He took a book from the bag he carried around papers and whatnot in and put it in front of Xavier. "You might find this helpful, it describes some techniques clearly and simply," he said, leaving it up to Xavier whether to accept Mind Over Magic: 13 Practices For Improving Your Spellcasting. "The most basic advice I can give you, though - breathing deliberately, that's a good idea. I've heard some people do a thing where they keep each breath as close to the same length as possible, with equally-long pauses between them. It distracts the mind from the outside world and its own thoughts, apparently, and then the idea is that you choose to focus it back onto the task at hand once you're out of your own head, so to speak."

16 Grayson Wright And you are going to be a difficult case, I think. 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 19, 2021 6:50 PM

The feeling's... kinda mutual by Xavier Lundstrom

He shouldn't have said that, he shouldn't have said that, oh gosh, he shouldn't have said that. It had sounded rude and he had regretted (and enjoyed?) that fact as soon as the words were out of his mouth. The momentary up-swing that came with winning a point was quickly stifled out by the fear that he was going to be in trouble.

But it never came. The momentous pendulum swing to one side was not matched on the other. Xavier hung, off balance. It was like being in one of those pirate ship rides at a theme park, and having been pulled all the way to the top, only to be returned gently to the earth instead of sent through stomach-dropping free fall. Except, with a ride, that would have been disappointing. Here, it was very, very welcome.

Professor Wright didn't push him for more answers, and even apologised.. It sounded sincere enough that Xavier found hinself muttering 'no, s'alright' even if he couldn't believe Professor Wright actually cared whether he said it or not. His parents apologised when they got things wrong, but it was a rare trait in adults.

He took the book, listening to Professor Wright's explanation.

"Like...mindfulness?" he asked hesitantly, both unsure whether Professor Wright would have heard that term, and whether it was the right thing to say. He thumbed the edge of the book. He had been told he could go, and it was very tempting. He tried picturing himself reading this back in his room... "Do many people read stuff like this?" he gestured at the book, wondering how popular self-help books were in thr wizarding realm or whether being seen with this was going to be like being seen struggling through Jim and Jane books in middle school.

13 Xavier Lundstrom The feeling's... kinda mutual 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 21, 2021 12:08 AM

But we shall persevere, yes? by Grayson Wright

The word Xavier used sounded like it probably was something similar to what he had described, but it also sounded like a word that might have a specific definition. Xavier also seemed to know at least something about that specific definition, whereas Gray did not know it. That meant it would be a bit of a gamble to agree, and gambling didn't feel like it would be a very good idea right now.

"From the way the word sounds, I'd guess it's something similar, but I don't know for sure," he admitted, suppressing the desire to make some kind of pun on the 'ful' bit of the word. In context, he was almost certain that the word Xavier had used only involved the single-l version, but having a mind that was double-l 'full' sounded like it would be the opposite of the ideas in play. The ups and downs of the tension in the room were beginning to make him tense personally, he noticed, hence the desire to make a light remark he supposed. One of the dubious joys of being an adult, though, was knowing when it wasn't really the time, or at least being expected to know, and now seemed like one of those moments. "It sounds like that might be something specific, and I'm not, not familiar with it, so I can't say for sure."

The subtext of the question about the book seemed obvious enough, so he hoped he wasn't missing something. "More, more than you might think," he said. "A lot of adults, and some people who're preparing for their exams, especially. There's no shame in it, though you'll often see them charming the covers to look like other books, or putting on the dust jackets from other books over them." That, he felt, was a reasonable way to point out the option without offering it explicitly as an option or suggesting anything either way.

16 Grayson Wright But we shall persevere, yes? 113 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

October 25, 2021 7:29 PM

Yeah, okay. by Xavier Lundstrom

Professor Wright wasn't sure about mindfulness. He hadn't directly asked Xavier to explain. His natural instinct was to go ahead and do so, because he was usually a chatty person. He had to keep reminding himself that these weren't normal conversations. He swallowed the explanation back down, deciding that it was safer not to open his mouth unless forced to.

Professor Wright continued to half say things as he gave Xavier advice without giving him advice. He was glad it included a non-magical solution to the problem. He was pretty sure that if he had been able to charm the cover, he wouldn't have needed the book. He had shakily and occasionally effected a shade or two of change in colour changing charms last year, but even that would have been ineffective as a disguise, unless he could charm all the letters in the title to match the background. What Professor Wright was talking about was changing it completely. Which was Transfiguration, surely? Except obviously it wasn't, because Professor Wright would know better than him. He thumbed the pages of the book. The thought of disguising it and pretending was not very appealing anyway.

"Or I can just read here, for a bit?" he confirmed. He was pretty sure this book was not going to solve all his problems in one fell swoop, although until he opened it and was let down for sure, his mind was able to cling a the vague and abstract sense of hope. He just wanted something more to take to class.

Once he had received permission, he didn't even check the ceiling before cracking the book open. He began to read, though his question from before was scratching at his neck like an itchy label in a sweater. Was his understanding so flawed? Was that going to hold him back? Was it a test, and he was failing by not pointing out the deliberate mistake?

"What spell would you use?" he asked quietly, peering up from the book. That seemed safer than directly calling out his or Professor Wright's own lack of knowledge. "I'm not going to - I probably couldn't," he clarified quickly. "But to disguise the cover, what would you use? Just...curious?" He said the last word as if checking that it was the right one - a foot reaching out to tap on the ice and test it, whilst the rest of him stayed cautiously rooted to the land.

13 Xavier Lundstrom Yeah, okay. 1529 0 5

Grayson Wright

October 28, 2021 10:17 PM

Very good. by Grayson Wright

It was a bit of a surprise when Xavier asked if he could just read here, but at least this was an improvement over looking like he wanted to bolt from the room, or like he was considering his options as far as at least attempting to attack before he could be attacked. That was...progress. Probably better to look at it that way, anyway, than to look at it as ground reclaimed from regress....

"Of course, if you like," he said.

He was not entirely sure that Selina would approve of him also grabbing a book at this point, but his options were fairly limited right now. He highly doubted there were people who could absorb much while wondering if someone was just staring at them, and anything he wrote down seemed likely to set off a touch of paranoia right now, and he didn't have any grading to do. Therefore, he got a book, reasoning that at least it wasn't a book he much wanted to read. He'd been taking it in fits and starts for six months, despite the fact it was quite a short book; the prose was gorgeous, but so densely written that it was difficult to immerse himself in it and figure out what the pretty words were actually about. The author used even more semicolons and multi-clause sentences than he did. Gray assumed it had something to do with the author being Polish.

"What spell would you use?"

He gave up his latest attempt to figure out why the narrator had left the rowboat and gone to what was either a dinner party or an office meeting in favor of listening to the questions. Interest! He was expressing interest! That was good! Still light years away from self-acceptance and being fully centered in his own identity as a wizard, but a start was a start and definitely better than a non-start. At least, assuming he was interpreting the questions correctly....

"It would depend on how much time I had, and what exactly I wanted to achieve," he said. "A color change charm could turn the entire thing one solid color if I was in a hurry. Someone with a lot of time and patience could go further with that, too, in terms of making designs, but I've met very few people who have both at the same time. There's a related spell, the Disillusionment Charm - which always sounds to me like it ought to do the opposite of what it does, though that, that's not important - which can make its object camouflaged near-perfectly into the background - you could be holding it and nobody would know you had a book unless you dropped it and that person happened to be looking at just the right moment. That's an Intermediate spell, though, along with flashing-color charms, and they're taught as prerequisites to more elaborate stuff - mostly spells that are selective, customized by the person casting them to suit a very specific need - illusions that might make everyone else see the cover of this thing - " he lifted the novel slightly - "when they look at that book, while you see the true cover, or which would make the cover go blank if anyone other than you touched it. The theory of those is - well, the kind of thing I find interesting," he conceded. "But however complex a charm is, it fundamentally changes only the behavior of a thing, not the thing itself - the book cover is a book cover, even if I've done something to it so that it seems to reflect light differently for me than it does for you. Does that make...some sense, at least?"

16 Grayson Wright Very good. 113 0 5