Checking in (tag Jezebel) on Library

Dorian Montoir

May 27, 2020 8:28 PM

Checking in (tag Jezebel) by Dorian Montoir

Dorian had left his boyfriend at a table in the main part of the library, and was making his way through the Charms section, pulling out resources for his essay, when a not-very-familiar dark head caught his attention. Jezebel had crossed his mind once or twice since the ball, mostly in the list of ‘is this person going to be overtly hostile?’ sense. She had seemed friendly enough at the ball, but also like she wasn’t really sure about them, and he thought that sort of situation could turn rather quickly.

However, one of the times it had crossed his mind, another possible interpretation had crossed his mind. As to why someone might be curious about them. Ask questions. Seek hope.

It felt unlikely. Obviously if someone else in this school was that way inclined, they had the Professors Brooding-Hawthorne to go to. They were a much more obvious example than himself and Jean-Loup seeing as they had been there for longer, and were real adults who would have answers. She had probably just been curious. But she had been very curious.

Thus, he had hoped to check in with Jezebel at some point. Even if she didn’t need him, it was good to know which people were willing to talk to him and his boyfriend and how their attitudes on that were evolving. He was pretty sure he was unpopular in Crotalus, to say the least. But it had exceptions, and perhaps she was one. And perhaps she needed someone outside of that who would help her out.

Probably not. Probably he was just projecting.

That was why he hadn’t gone right up to her and… and what exactly would he have done or said? He had no idea. That was why he hadn’t done it. But here they were crossing paths and… well, he wasn’t her prefect, but he was everyone’s head boy (ha, take that, world) so he was responsible for looking out for her. Even if no one had pinned a badge to his chest, he thought he would have thought that anyway; if there was even just the slightest chance they had this in common then it was up to him to help. This just hopefully made it less weird. Along with the fact that they’d already spoken before. And they were here in the Charms section together now.

“Hello again,” he said softly, stepping away from the advanced books down towards where she was. “How is it going?” he asked, the casual phrase still not quite falling from his lips with a natural rhythm even after all these years. It still bugged him to not really be specifying what ‘it’ was. Though perhaps, in this case, leaving ‘it’ unspecified would be easiest.

13 Dorian Montoir Checking in (tag Jezebel) 1401 1 5

Jezebel Reed-Fischer

May 27, 2020 9:19 PM

I'm not sure I want that. by Jezebel Reed-Fischer

CW: Internalised homophobia

The library was often the best place to get ready for any challenge coming up and Jezebel wished she'd gone sooner. She should have thought to look up her problem long before she'd let it get to the point of consuming her. Also, she had lots of other problems she could still take advantage of looking up so that was good. She'd started with some basic stuff about who and what and how and why, and now she was moving to solutions. Since she wasn't about to take a potion if she didn't have to, and brewing one in secret would be harder, she thought charms would be a good fit. She couldn't help her siblings, but maybe she could help herself.

She had just taken Healthy: 1001 Charms for Curing the Ill and Charms for Mental Disorders when Dorian startled her and she jumped, clutching her books to her chest to hide the covers. She wasn't in the advanced book section, but there was a small section of career-oriented books that looked at magic in medical contexts and it was hard to pretend she hadn't been looking there. They were close enough to the intermediate books that maybe he'd think that's where she'd been.

"Fine," she said shortly, eyes wide. She was acting ridiculous and she knew it. Forcing a deep breath, she relaxed some, although she kept her books to her chest. "Sorry. You scared me. It's going alright. How are you?"

22 Jezebel Reed-Fischer I'm not sure I want that. 1454 0 5

Dorian Montoir

May 28, 2020 3:51 AM

That makes me worried by Dorian Montoir

Jezebel gave the ‘fine’ of someone who was definitely, demonstrably not fine. He knew it because he had used it himself on numerous occasions. Admittedly, less because he had been paranoid about people discovering he was gay but more because he just… had been slightly nervous of anyone who looked like they would be competant at shoving his head into a toilet. So, it didn’t necessarily mean anything.

“I apologise,” he stated, when Jezebel said that he’d startled her, wondering if that was all there was to it. She was clutching the books to her chest the way he’d clutched guides to theatrical magics. Or, he reminded himself, more or less anything. Book titles were a thing it was very easy to feel intensely private about. He shouldn’t project.

“It’s going well for me,” he answered with a polite nod when she asked.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure where to take it from there. He couldn’t exactly approach the real reason he was talking to her head on, but he wasn’t sure he knew her well enough to make convincing small talk. The age and everything-else gap was big enough that even asking ‘How was your summer?’ was weird, and that was the blandest question in the universe. He guessed he’d covered that general base with ‘How’s it going?’ and the trouble was now they were passed that he wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I enjoyed our conversation at the ball,” he informed her. Never one to underthink an upcoming situation, he had rehearsed a few different possibilities for this conversation in his head. In the absence of any other obvious lead, he went back to their one tenuous connection. “I think maybe I seemed a little… distracted,” he offered with an apologetic smile, “But it was nice of you to come and talk to us. We appreciated it.”

13 Dorian Montoir That makes me worried 1401 0 5

Jezebel Reed-Fischer

May 31, 2020 6:26 PM

Same. by Jezebel Reed-Fischer

'We.' Dorian used the royal we, except it wasn't the royal we. He meant himself and his boyfriend. With whom he had danced at the Ball. The two of whom, Jezebel had approached at the Ball. Did he know why? She remembered thinking the same thing about his casual use of the first person plural pronoun before, and wondered now whether she'd ever get to use it for a partner. But that was not a thought she wanted to roll around right now. She inclined her head politely, forcing herself to relax some.

"You didn't seem too distracted to me," she said, smiling a little and shrugging. "Although if you were, then I really should be the one thanking you for talking at all.". She wondered how much it was safe to say. He remembered her, which meant she had some amount of precedence for talking already set. But if he might already be guessing at things, she was hesitant to give him any more fodder. But.... If she had to tell anyone other than Dathan, wouldn't this be the perfect person? It was so tempting, but also so risky. If she just kept telling people, then what would happen? "You had a good time? At the Ball?" she asked, hoping that would give her some answers without asking for them outright.

What would he do if she did ask outright?

22 Jezebel Reed-Fischer Same. 1454 0 5

Dorian Montoir

June 11, 2020 7:27 AM

Try not being by Dorian Montoir

“Oh good,” he smiled, when she stated that he hadn’t seemed too distracted. He dismissed her other comment with a good natured shrug, not sure how to deal with the idea that his time could be deemed so precious. They both seemed to think that the other had done right and been polite, and that was the main thing, and absolutely not worth tying themselves both in knots over.

“I did,” he stated, his smile sliding into something more genuine as he recalled the night. The feeling of his boyfriend’s arms around him as he’d danced. The feeling that he was free. That he was honest. Freedom and honesty were not uncomplicated but they were right. He supposed that was the message he wanted to give Jezebel, and could give her without making it awkward or about her. If it didn’t apply to her, it could just be an honest confession of his own feelings. He had never made a habit of that with strangers, but who was she to know that? And it also didn’t sound so bad, putting his truth out there - that no, he had no regrets. People were bound to be saying he must be sorry now, now that he had lost the good opinion of people like Sylvia Mordue (she had made sure he knew just how thoroughly she was ignoring him - a fact she had had to make obvious because it signalled so little change from their previous interactions). He wasn’t. And, as far as he could, he wanted to let it be known.

“Not everyone likes what I did,” he shrugged, “But it still felt good to do it. Having a secret gets very heavy. I would rather live a truthful life and deal with the consequences than always be looking over my shoulder, worrying about people finding out,” he explained.

“Did you enjoy it?” he asked, as it only seemed polite to return the question, even if it wasn’t really what he wanted to ask her about.

13 Dorian Montoir Try not being 1401 0 5

Jezebel Reed-Fischer

June 11, 2020 1:04 PM

Oh, great advice, Sherlock. by Jezebel Reed-Fischer

Jezebel wasn't sure if it was her heart or her stomach, but one of them had turned into a wriggling pile of worm spaghetti and was making it very difficult to be cool. Dorian was talking about secrets and Jezebel knew that he just meant himself because this was absolutely a secret he had been keeping and stuff, but it felt like he wasn't just talking about himself. It was also annoying because it was the sort of thing that Jezebel couldn't say anything against without admitting she had a secret and couldn't agree with without lying, which she generally tried not to do. She thought that Dorian was a bit like a fairy, the kind who arrived with gifts and if you accepted one then you were theirs. Except maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be. And if he could provide a changeling for her family, they might be happier anyway. The idea made her go from worms to crumpled paper, and she felt both fragile and very broken.

Perhaps it was these thoughts that made Jezebel's mind turn over in a direction she hadn't previously let it go when Dorian asked whether she'd enjoyed the Ball. She hadn't really, except that Bridget had looked gorgeous. She'd looked absolutely perfect. Like a mermaid. Except not the real kind of mermaid because apparently those existed and they were horrifying.

Without really meaning to, she found herself nodding. "I went with some friends of mine," she said softly. "We didn't dress up too extravagantly, but they looked really beautiful. It was . . . nice."

When Patience was younger, she'd gotten sick. She had a fierce fever and their mother wanted to give her a cool bath to help her temperature come down. The screams of a toddler were not easily forgotten and she'd run away, hiding in the corner to avoid having to get in that cold shower, even though it would be good for her. Even though she was warm and woozy and had been throwing up from it all. Jezebel had felt so helpless until her mother had come in, undressed, and gotten in a cold shower herself. It must've been freezing, but she didn't shiver. She just held her arms out to her baby girl and promised that she would be right there with her, and that everything that hurt would feel a little better soon. She went through it all, too, and she knew the right answer. Eventually, Patience had acquiesced, and her fever broke right away.

Jezebel felt like that. She felt like screaming and throwing up and crying and sleeping and stomping her feet and demanding to feel better without having to do any of the things that Dorian seemed keen on. But what would happen if she actually did take a step that direction? If she let her secret go a little bit? She searched his eyes, the same way Patience had done all those years ago, searching for a promise that she'd be okay.

Finally, resigned to the fact that things couldn't get that much worse without her parents finding out, which seemed unlikely right now, Jezebel spoke in a low voice. "How did you know you wanted to . . . go to the Ball with a boy?" she asked, still going for euphemism. "Like how did you know for sure? Enough to take that risk?"

22 Jezebel Reed-Fischer Oh, great advice, Sherlock. 1454 0 5

Dorian Montoir

June 14, 2020 8:29 PM

Easier said than done, I know by Dorian Montoir

"That sounds nice," Dorian nodded. He didn't read into Jezebel calling her friends beautiful but equally didn't not read into it. Though, of course, for all he knew, her friends were boys, though 'beautiful' would be an unusual description - not impossible but unusual. And equally, you could find your opposite sex friends beautiful whilst still being deeply gay. He would have called Tatiana 'beautiful' after all.

How had he known... At first he thought they were dealing with how he had known he liked boys. The only real answer to that was that he... just did. He knew he liked boys because he found himself wanting to kiss them. But luckily Jezebel rephrased before he could answer the wrong question. It turned out she wanted to know how it had been worth the risk of telling everyone. That was a lot harder. It involved so much more that was very personal, and that wasn't already out there. It involved a lot of things that might not be very nice for Jezebel to hear, if she was in his position. He was not going to lie or withhold things but he did want to explain carefully.

"It was many different pieces coming together," he explained, "I suppose... one easy thing is the scales tipped, so that keeping the secret felt more heavy than dealing with the consequences of a revelation. But how it gets there... That is many smaller pieces. All the people who were most important to me knew already. It wasn't just... revealing it to everybody that way. I had support from my friends, and from Professor Brooding-Hawthorne - the Potions one. She is a very good person to talk to," he added, in case Jezebel needed pointing in the right direction. "And... I had told my family. They are less supportive," he shrugged, looking like that was something he did not really want to dwell on. "So... many of the things I was afraid of, or felt like I wanted to know - whether I would have friends, who I could go to if someone said something bad, whether my Mama-" he cut himself off with a shake of his head, "I had answers. Not all of them the answers that I wished for, but I had enough safety, even if I know that not everyone will take my side. Does that make sense?" he asked.

13 Dorian Montoir Easier said than done, I know 1401 0 5

Jezebel Reed-Fischer

June 15, 2020 11:54 AM

Very true. by Jezebel Reed-Fischer

It was a bit horrifying to imagine something be powerful enough to tip the scales in favor of telling everyone. That must have been something horrific. What could make it worth telling her mom? She was glad he acknowledged that not everyone would be supportive. She hated platitudes and it was much better to hear the truth. Jezebel found herself nodding along, understanding what Dorian was saying even if she didn't really understand it at the same time. "It makes sense," she agreed softly.

One important thing she was noticing was that it hadn't been worth it for Dorian until he'd found someone to be with. Since she didn't intend to let herself ever fall in love, it wouldn't be worth it for her. That was helpful information. She could just never have to worry about it. She could just cram it all down deep inside and never tell anyone. She'd have to take it back from Dathan though. Maybe she could tell him it had just been a phase, or that she had realised she was wrong or something. That would clean up the mess a little bit.

That would work. It would be perfect. It would be fine and she would never have to worry about anything. Just get through school and it we be okay. She forced herself to brighten, perking up like she was fine. "Thank you," she smiled. It probably looked stiff from the outside but she wasn't going to think about that. Lying wasn't her forte, for sure, but she wasn't useless at it. "And hey . . . I'm sorry that not everyone supports you." She swallowed a mouthful of grief. "I can't imagine how hard that must be."

22 Jezebel Reed-Fischer Very true. 1454 0 5