Cloud watching...sort of on Labyrinth Gardens

Danae

March 26, 2009 5:56 PM

Cloud watching...sort of by Danae

If the amount of time in the Gardens was any indication to whether or not one should be a Pecari, then there was no doubt that Danae should be one. It was as though the potion from first year had known this little fact and had taken it into account when it had picked a House for her. Though, it may have been other contributing factors, such as the way she adapted to her circumstances. It had to since she lacked the daring part. If she had the daring part down, she would tell Josh the real reason why she didn’t want to go through with the betrothal, but she wouldn’t, she couldn’t, because fear overrode that.

It was the fear of losing him, but wasn’t that going to be the end result anyhow? She was going to end up losing her best friend. She knew that last summer she had agreed to all of it at his assurance, that he understood the price, but she still wasn’t convinced that he did. She didn’t doubt that one day he would regret the decision he made and she only hoped that he would back out before he did. Maybe it would be better if she backed out, if she told him that she didn’t want anything to do with him, which would make the split so much easier, but there was that selfish part of her that wanted to keep things as they were for as long as possible.

While she would never admit such a thing to anyone, she liked to forget that it was fake if only for the moment before reality came crashing down on her and the cold, hard truth that these last couple years were only the calm before the storm. When it all got to be too much, she liked to come out to the Gardens, which was quite frequent, to forget about the world. She could get lost staring up at the endless sky with the ever-changing shapes of the clouds. She wondered what it would be like to be one of those clouds, to just be a fluffy white mass floating around in a sea of blue with no troubles at all. It must be heavenly.

But as was her way, Danae would remember that those same clouds could turn so easily to a tear stained gray as though the world were crying. One day that would be her. One day she would break like a vase only to be glued back together, but still not quite right. It would be forever changed. She would be forever changed. She supposed it was a form of adapting. She didn’t like to think about it and until then, she would get lost in her sky world. It was so peaceful. She wasn’t quite sure when it had happened, when her eyes had closed, but she woke with the startling realization that someone was nearby. Sitting up, she ground the sleep from her eye while simultaneously trying to greet the person, “Hi.”

0 Danae Cloud watching...sort of 0 Danae 1 5

Paul Tarwater

March 28, 2009 6:39 PM

And sort of joining in by Paul Tarwater

Paul needed to relax, he needed some ease, he needed to get things out of his mind. It was hard to relax though, when his sister was starting up on her old routine. She never sought him out, or he didn’t think she did, but in the off chance that he did meet with her randomly (trying to make it look like he wasn’t trying to avoid her at all), something happened. Not all the time violent, barely violent really, but suggesting violence. He had believed she had cracked, trying to hold back and stay quiet had never been for her, and now she wasn’t even hiding anything. She walked around with that superior grin on all the time, not even bothering. Not all the time violent, but sometimes, there were a few burns up his arms that refused to go away, so despite the coming heat Paul took to wearing darker things, longer sleeves.

It had been a while since Paul had been out in the Gardens. Well, no, he walked through them once and a while to get around, but it had been a while since Paul actually had the intention of going out to the Gardens with the idea to relax in them. He hadn’t been cloud watching, or star watching, or any sort of watching that may have calmed him down far better than his usual routine of holing himself up in his empty dorm, coming down only to eat and go to classes. Lussni had really been his only company for some time, and a boy whose last few real conversations had been with his aged cat… well chances were he was in need of some help. Not medical… or therapeutically like those Healers and sometimes his mother thought he needed. Just… normal help. Like… relaxing help.

It was hard to relax. He didn’t like walking around alone, knowing that the Pecari entrance was somewhere around here, though he wasn’t sure where. He didn’t like feeling flushed and tired from a short walk, he wanted something cool but wouldn’t even roll up his sleeves. Walking should have calmed the nerves, but it didn’t, it made things worse. So instead, Paul had a new tactic, look for that area, the one where he and Danae had sat a few times to watch the sky. This was easier, and with a goal to his mind he was able to focus on that, letting everything else drift aside until he actually found the area, the bench. A hand ran through his dark hair, and he smiled, of course it was already occupied by the very person he had been thinking of before. Wasn’t that what they said? Think about seeing someone, and you will?

It wasn’t Cissy, that was lucky. It was Danae, who he considered a friend, even luckier. Maybe something was starting to shine on the boy, urging him to stop hiding in his dorm. Though the pessimist in him turned that into a meaning of “something even worse may happen too”. Still, he would worry about that when he was alone again, as for Danae, he hadn’t been purposely avoiding her too, but it ended up that way. He felt guilty. So Paul approached her, ready to greet her, with as little awkwardness as he could manage, when he noticed that she seemed to be sleeping. Wiping a hand across his forehead, he looked up with a sigh. Okay, okay, step back, don’t look creepy or anything. He began to turn, but noticed that she’d woken and stopped.

Paul smiled sheepishly, shrugging. “Hello, fancy meeting you here” he began, trying out his rusted smile… lighthearted and worn out expressions weren‘t his specialty. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, didn’t even know you were sleeping.” He bowed his head slightly. “Sorry.”

0 Paul Tarwater And sort of joining in 0 Paul Tarwater 0 5

Danae

March 30, 2009 5:56 PM

No sort of, join in. by Danae

“It’s okay,” Danae said, as she positioned herself into a more comfortable and appropriate sitting arrangement. Once she was settled, she offered Paul more of a smile instead of a sleepy haze. “It’s probably a good thing. I didn’t mean to fall asleep and the bench is rather hard. So, how have you been?” She had seen him in classes, but hadn’t actually talked to him for a while. Looking at him now, she wondered why he was wearing such dark clothing with long sleeves no less in weather like this. How could he not be sweating to death?

She didn’t say anything it though. Paul did a lot of things that Danae didn’t necessarily understand, but it wasn’t her place to make a fuss about it. She was sure that there were probably a lot of things that people didn’t understand about her, the things she did, or things her parents did that affected her life. The betrothal, what was weighing on her mind and finger these days, was among them. As much as she loved Eavan, there were times that she wished that her best friend really understood what she was going through, but she wouldn’t actually wish this on her.

Unfortunately, come summer, her little sister would understand what she was going through. Not completely, of course, since Lucie wouldn’t be betrothed to her best friend only to most likely end up marrying someone worse than Emeric. Though, Lucie probably would have it worse in the short run since hers would more than likely be to some horrific pureblood son of an association of their parents. Maybe she should stop feeling sorry for herself and feel more for her little sister, but it was hard to do when her own misery drew ever closer.

The only thing worse than the thought of marrying some snobby guy was the thought of actually going through with it and marrying Josh. It would be sheer torture to pretend to be some happy couple with him when she wouldn’t be happy at all. How could she pretend to be married when she knew that one day it would end in a divorce? She didn’t want to be a statistic. She didn’t want to be anything really. Realizing that she had been ignoring Paul in favor of her thoughts, Danae patted the bench next to her for Paul to sit.

0 Danae No sort of, join in. 0 Danae 0 5

Paul

April 02, 2009 9:11 PM

Well, I have been detached long enough by Paul

“The bench… looks very hard,” if conversation was a class, it would be the only one he’d fail. Paul looked over Danae for a while, it had been a while since he’d been out, since he’d actually spoken to Danae. This was the little guilt eating at him, one that was hidden inside of him, where he kept it safe. The survival area of him hid the guilt, showing the images of his sister while the guilt simpered in the corner, wishing for the things that Paul never even needed. It was more than guilt if it was crying for someone to talk to, for some help from the outside world. It looked to the girl as a possible savior, as it had tried looking in others, but Paul wasn’t about to act on something so childish and stupid. He could drown it later.

But when she asked how he had been, Paul wasn’t about to let the thing slip out, he didn’t want to choke on it. He let himself pause for a second, looking up at the sky like he was thinking of “how he’s been”, despite the simplicity of the question and the quickness at which a normal person could have answered it. “I’ve been fine,” but then, he didn’t sound fine, with his low whisper of a voice and his straight, tired face. So he tried to break a smile, succeeding at lifting the corners of his mouth while he repeated it, “I’ve been fine. Tired, but then who isn’t… CATs and all,” Paul wasn’t worried about the CATs at all. Why should he be? But holding back everything else, Paul had to come up with something.

She patted the bench beside her after the while, and for a second Paul fell clueless to what she was doing. When he realized that she was offering him a seat, and his face warmed. With quick, jerky movements, he turned and sat down, wiping his cheeks free of the sweat that threatened his face. “So, how have you been doing?” He could have asked about the whole engagement thing, he’d found out about it earlier in the year and had come up short of sympathetic or congratulatory speech because he just wasn’t used to being told such things. It had been a whole year, and he had been too locked down in his own silly troubles of hiding to… say anything. It wasn’t his place to pry, and he wouldn’t have, but he could have at least come out and talked to her more in case she may… need it.

The guilt bug whined, and crawled around his throat like a bitter potion. Danae had better friends than him, he shouldn’t even concern himself. He leaned back a little, able to see the sky, the day wasn’t very cloud-filled, but there were a few. “I think I see a butterfly,” he told her, out of the blue, turning his head to the side, trying out that failing smile again.

0 Paul Well, I have been detached long enough 0 Paul 0 5

Danae

April 03, 2009 11:09 PM

It's time to get reattached by Danae

Danae nodded at the mention of CATS. She wasn’t really worried about them. Not because she was a genius by any means, but because they had no bearing on her future. She remembered Josh saying that she could do whatever she wanted with her life, but could she really? She had doubts about it. She was expected to become a wife and mother. Maybe for a while she could have a career, but it would have to eventually come to an end just like everything else so what was the point of bothering? All that would be left was the pain of knowing what could have been if life had been different, but it wasn’t. Her life had been set the moment she had been born.

For a moment, she didn’t answer Paul, her gaze landing on the butterfly that he made mention of. It had such an easy life, flying wherever it wanted. It didn’t have to worry about being unhappy. She opened her mouth to answer that she was fine, that everything was good, but instead everything came pouring out like a broken dam, “It’s not fair. Why can’t I be a butterfly? Why can’t I fly and have freedom? Do whatever I please? Instead, I’m stuck in a betrothal with one of my best friends, because he felt some sort of obligation to help me and I don’t think he understands what he’s getting into. He says he does, but I just don’t know. It’s just not simple.”

Taking a breath, Danae realized that she wasn’t making any sense in the least not to Paul anyhow. She shouldn’t have said anything at all, but unfortunately she couldn’t take back what she said so the only thing to do was to go forward and explain. “I’m betrothed to Josh Santoro.” She showed the ring to prove that it was no joke before running the same hand through her long hair. “I was originally supposed to marry Emeric. He’s this guy that lives in England. He’s not considered top scale, but he has all the right connections according to my parents. Anyhow, Josh invited me to visit his family, which is how this whole mess got started.

My parents wanted to meet his. They came to brunch and one thing just led to another. I guess my father decided he wanted better connections. The next thing I knew, Josh and I were betrothed. He and I talked about it. The whole thing is fake just so I can find someone else, but…” she trailed off. She had been about to say that she liked Josh more than a friend should, but decided against it. “It’s also so I can do whatever I want like if I want to get a job. For so long, I’ve had certain expectations placed on me and what if I discover that there is something I want to do? I’ll have to give it up eventually. Besides, I don’t even know what I would want to do.”

She probably looked like some lunatic with the way she was carrying on. She felt like she was on the edge of some cliff just waiting to be pushed. “I’m in such a mess. I know Josh means well, but what if I don’t find someone before we have to get married? Or what if I never find someone? He can’t stay married to me forever. Someday, he’ll find someone that he wants to be married to and start a family with, and what’s the one little problem standing in the way? Me. And say we forget that. I have to have children. It’s one of the points of an arranged marriage, which just creates an entirely new set of problems.

And if that weren’t enough no matter how it happens I’m going to be a divorcee, which is really not the best social standing. I may end up having to remarry someone lower than Emeric.” Yes, the last part may have been shallow to some degree, but it was also the truth. Divorce was looked down upon and to be a part of one was like being marked disreputable. She would never hear the end of it from her parents, especially after they tried so hard to move her up the social ladder. She would have disgraced her entire family and for what? For a whole bunch of maybes and uncertainties? She just didn’t know how to be hopeful in this situation.

“The worst part of it all is that in the end my best friend is going to hate me. How could he not?” Suddenly tired, now that she had inished with her tirade, she turned to face Paul. She had completely forgotten that he was even there as all of this had made its way out. She gave him a sheepish grin. “Sorry, about that. I didn’t mean to spill all of this onto you. I guess its just been building up inside of me for a while and just sort of exploded.” She didn’t bother with words like asking him not to tell anyone or to keep it to himself. She trusted Paul to do that regardless, because he was her friend.

0 Danae It's time to get reattached 0 Danae 0 5

Paul

April 08, 2009 8:47 PM

It seems I've missed a lot by Paul

When he pointed out the butterfly, Paul wasn’t so pleasantly surprised to hear Danae sit up and go off on something that... he wasn’t sure had anything to do with the butterfly cloud he’d just pointed out. The guilt in him pulled over, and he wondered at first whether it was his fault, whether he had prompted these bad thoughts to come out of her just by existing. But, he then realized how self-centered that sounded, especially after paying more attention to what his friend was saying. It was obvious this had been bubbling for a while, he’d just been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Or, no, a good place, he wouldn’t like the girl to be upset, yet he never would have done the prying that would result in this. Her letting it all out was probably better.

He looked at her long, a betrothal to her best friend? That boy was her best friend now? But no, he’d missed on something, and apparently that something was huge. So it was Josh Santoro, not the boy–that Emeric–that she was marrying now. Josh, who he knew and saw often, in classes and whatnot. That was just... strange. And if it was strange for him, five seconds after even realizing the news, how did Danae feel? She was telling him, of course, but he didn’t know if he could get the intensity down perfectly to understand. Basically, all Paul could do was to sit there, shut up, and listen. There was no way he could actually help, but listening helped other people (so the counselors said).

Paul wasn’t going to be horrible and just not listen, of course, he wouldn’t have done that ever. He was horrible in far different ways, in the ways that he listened to things he shouldn’t and called on them, but he wouldn’t here. The way it happened, the way he agreed (which didn’t seem fair at all, unless he asked her beforehand), how it was all fake. Divorce and children. He could sit there and state that she could “just say no”, but he’d learned already that would have no effect. Cissy had tried and failed (and now she was just going off the wall). The situations and reasons were very different, but he was sure the answer would end up the same. You didn’t get caught in an arranged marriage with it being so easy to just say “no”.

He watched her face, the frustration, how she expressed it all she said, paying his attention and minding himself to not jump on little things (such a bad habit). He kept his eyes on her face until she turned back to him, and then Paul lowered his eyes. He was practically struck dumb by the sudden outburst, and was trying now to think of something, anything, he could say that may help. The only thing he could think of at first was what he said, “You really do need to stay away from men lower than your Emeric though, we’re complete clods you know. Horrible.” Including himself in the mix, poor and without the proper name Paul could guess that he was in that group. But it came out harsher than he wanted.

His face flushed with embarrassment, and Paul found himself refusing to meet her eye, scratching idly at the place where the bandages lay under his shirt. “I’m... I shouldn’t have said that like that.” It might have been taken more as a joke... but at a better time. “Its okay, you can spill any of your troubles on me,” he finally said, looking up finally after a second or so. “I’m not very good at... doing anything about it. But I’ll listen, what sort of friend would I be if I didn’t?” He already was a pretty terrible friend overall, “Don’t worry about ‘spilling it all on me’ anyway, it seems you have enough to worry about.” Oh yes. Definitely.

“I just don’t see why Josh would end up hating you, not at all. It was his decision right? He’d be a complete fool to blame you for anything. And how you know you’re going to be a divorcee, I don’t see it, even if the marriage is ‘fake’,” Paul looked back up to the sky in thought. “It would be hypocritical of me to try and push optimism on you,” he admitted, he wouldn’t lie to her, “I’ve never been very optimistic anyway. But there is the chance of the best happening, I guess.” He tried to meet her face, but he was still in under his head. “What... would happen if you just told him you didn’t want to do it at all? And your family?”

0 Paul It seems I've missed a lot 0 Paul 0 5

Danae

April 13, 2009 7:44 PM

That you did by Danae

The severe tone of Paul’s voice scratched at Danae emotionally and she gave him a long hard look. After a moment it softened at what a fool she was. She had never given it much thought before, but Paul would be considered lesser by the society she lived in. His only redeeming quality was that he was pureblood. She wasn’t sure whether she should feel sorry for him or wish to be like him. On one hand, life without money was probably more difficult. Plus, he would probably never marry a girl that was considered proper for he would be beneath her. But was that really such a bad thing?

On the other hand, he had freedom. He could become anything he wanted to be. He could marry anyone that he wanted. There were no limits placed on his life. Yes, he was the lucky one of the two of him and he would most likely never know it. “No, it’s…good that you said that. I think.” She paused after saying this since it sounded a bit odd. “I don’t think anyone lower than Emeric is horrible, but my parents would. They would find the marriage disgraceful.” In her world, it wasn’t about what she wanted. It wasn’t even necessarily about what her parents wanted. But to deviate from it was to fall.

She placed her hand on his arm lightly and only as long as it said to say her next words. “Sometimes a listening ear is all that someone needs.” She pulled her legs up onto the bench and curled her arms around them as she answered the rest of Paul’s questions. “Josh is making a decision in the present and not considering the future. He’s not considering all of the possibilities. Not really. It brings up the entire possibility of divorce. In the unlikely” she hoped it was “event that we marry and then he meets someone, he’ll hate me, because he’s tied to me. It would mean he would be unable to be with her.”

The thought of Josh with someone caused a dull ache in the pit of her stomach. Ignoring it, she went on, “So, in order to be with her, we would get a divorce, which would be awful. It would be an embarrassment to my parents. And then there’s the vague possibility that I would meet someone I want to be with, which is the point of this entire thing, but it’s unlikely he’ll be approved of. Any respectable guy wouldn’t marry a divorcee. It’s just unheard of. If that happened, then I may as well have just told my family that I want to be disowned. It’s the same as if I said I didn’t want to do it at all. It would be like to my family I never existed.

I don’t think I could live with that. Family is everything. What are you without them?” It was how she had been raised. Of course, family being everything didn’t quite fit into others definition of family. It wasn’t a support system. It wasn’t even a caring unit. But it was still everything. They were your past, your future. They were your blood. “Isn’t that the way it is for you? Don’t your parents’ opinions of you matter the most? Would you be devastated to be apart from your family?” She asked, looking at him curiously, as though she were trying to see the answer. Paul was always a mystery to her and she couldn’t begin to guess at what he would say.

0 Danae That you did 0 Danae 0 5

Paul Tarwater

April 30, 2009 7:10 PM

Fill me in then by Paul Tarwater

Paul could hold his own against many things (that didn't include Cissy), and when Danae gave him a cutting look, he returned it. She was definitely his only friend in this place, but Paul's ideas of "friendship" had been warped from the beginning. He felt no shame in giving coldness to the girl, though it was admittedly warmer than his natural glares. He didn't understand her life, no, but she didn't understand his either. He had picked on one point, the one that he could understand... [i]best[/i] probably was the right word.

She did drop her face though, allowing Paul to drop his guard a little more once again. "Probably not [i]good[/i]," he admitted, it was a little cruel for him to say to Danae. "Just, from my perspective, a different point of view, you know," ah, his whole being was cold and unfeeling, despite his previous frustrations he was back to the guilt of being unable to help. "I don't understand it all, the 'shame on you for marrying him' thing," he told her, trying to stop avoiding her eye. Why would he? He was that "shame", slightly better than the Muggles and Muggleborns, but still pretty far on the ladder. But he would listen to Danae anyway, as it upset her.

At least, that was what he was supposed to do, right? Oh, he was so horrible at this. She shouldn't have to deal with Paul, Danae should have people who knew how to interact with others. Not people who stiffened out of habit when she put her hand on their arm (like Paul now), only to fight away the tenseness and look to her with a small grin. "You know these things better than I do," he told her, resisting to point out how the statment itself sounded like a fed line, a cliche of sorts. She didn't need his nit-picking right now at all. As she curled more onto the bench, Paul pushed away his dislike of closeness, and moved to put the closest arm across the bench, almost a sort of one-armed hug to Danae. Turning to see her profile better.

He was no optimist, not in any meaning of the word (if there was any other meaning). "Then that's Josh's fault for not planning ahead. He's the one being an idiot, not considering these possibilities himself," but even he felt bad tearing apart someone he didn't know. "That, or he's already considered everything and doesn't care, there's always that," he said this part in his normal tone of voice, the quiet rasp that proved how unsure he was about everything. "He has no reason to hate you if your say is miniscule at best. Especially compared to his."

And then, with the possibilities of meeting someone else. Which were entirely likely for both of them, an even fifty-fifty for each. "I bet those respectable guys would [i]lower[/i] themselves to marry a divorcee if she was you," there was a hint of sarcasm in there that might have covered up the compliment that he could muster without feeling the tingles of "creepy" on him.

He couldn't tell anyone to go against their family though, as much as he wanted to here. If it came to other people and what they thought, Paul could easily say that he didn't care what other people thought, what they thought he should do or be doing. But when it came to his mother and father... well, Paul was a boy who followed his parents teachings. Pretty much trusting only them (Cissy, he didn't count her). "My parents' opinions are... extremely important," he stated, blushing. "I understand that much, the whole family loyalty thing. And honestly, its stupid to scorn the people who raised and took care of you with affairs, as much as those romance novels tell you otherwise," that was why he didn't delve in that topic.

He could only look away now, when it came to his own history and future, Paul wasn't able to speak up as much. "We... all we really have is each other. That's all," he'd go into a marriage if they needed the dowry. Without a second thought he would. "But our families seem different." He released his arm from behind the bench and dropped it to his lap. "When are you and Josh getting married? Is there anytime to change this? Or maybe just to tell him you don't want it so he can change it. You can have more time..." it was like a plea. A plea for her own peace of mind, though. Strange.

0 Paul Tarwater Fill me in then 0 Paul Tarwater 0 5