Why am I here again? on Labyrinth Gardens

Adam Whitney

February 01, 2009 1:50 PM

Why am I here again? by Adam Whitney

The first month back had been rough for Adam. The trip in the wagon had been torture. Every bump, every brake, every movement had shot pain through his body. He was stable and his Healer felt that he would be fine at Sonora with the little stress he had going on there with classes. Adam barely did enough to get by and R.A.T.S. was not something he had ever cared much for. Actually, since he was thirteen years old, Adam always believed he’d be gone from this world by the time the exams came around. Funny, he had been partly right about that.

He seemed to be coughing non-stop these days, except for rare moments just after his potion kicked in when he felt his best. And his chest still had that heavy feeling to it as though someone were putting all of their weight down on top of him. It was scary at first when he was at the hospital for the rest of midterm and the Healer had told him this was what it was going to be like. All they could do was give him a stronger dosage of the potion and hope that would be enough to get him through the day.

It wasn’t. But Adam wasn’t one to complain. He knew coming back to Sonora was his choice and whatever came of it, came of it. Healer Michaels explained that he could relapse while at Sonora and he doubted that the school was equipped to handle such a case like Adam’s. There was also a change that a heart would become available to him and they would have to pull him out. There were a lot of scenarios presented to Adam while he had been resting that could change the way things were for him in a way that he didn’t think he was ready for, but he still chose to come back to Sonora. He wanted to graduate. He wanted to be with Nic. He wanted to be like every other 18 year old.

But, being back at Sonora only reminded him of what he couldn’t be a part of. Everyone was so excited about the concert, or about the ranch trip, or about Quidditch. Adam didn’t share in that excitement. He would have loved to have been a part of it and when he was younger, Adam would have jumped at the chance to be involved. But now? Now Adam barely had enough energy to get out of bed in the morning let alone work in a crowded area and getting stressed out over something that was meant to be fun. The irony of having to live in the Pecari house. Everyone used energy and excitement. It completely wore him out.

Which is why he was outside in the gardens now. Getting away from all of it. Back to his favorite bench, lost within the labyrinth. He shouldn’t be outside without protection the way that he was. The sun was setting and the breeze was cool against his skin. He knew if he stayed long, he would get sick and that would be disastourous, but he couldn’t seem to move from the bench. The idea of going back into the chaos made him want to run in the other direction. He wanted to go find Nic and just be with her for awhile, but the more he saw of her, the more guilty he felt for dragging her all into this mess. He didn’t know what to do anymore or if this was all worth it.

And so he sat. On the bench, with the fading sun and cool breeze. His eyes closed and his head leaned back almost as if he had fallen asleep. It was quite possible that he could, except the wind through the bushes kept his mind preoccupied. It was almost peaceful, except, just as he started to relax, another coughing fit erupted, leaving him gasping and in pain.

6 Adam Whitney Why am I here again? 69 Adam Whitney 1 5

Nicoletta Dupree

February 03, 2009 8:49 PM

Depends on your definition of here by Nicoletta Dupree

When Adam never showed up in the Hall for dinner, Nicoletta went looking for him. She always worried when he missed meals, not that he did often, but it was important for him to do everything he could to remain as healthy as possible. Of course, his level of health didn’t seem to be much nowadays. Not since his attack over midterm. It had forced her to really face how sick he was. There was no pretending that he was fine anymore and there was no pretending that her world didn’t feel as though it were falling apart.

And it seemed to be happening all too quickly. She wanted to be able to stop it. She wanted to be able to make it all go away. But she couldn’t. It left her feeling helpless and frustrated. She quickly walked through the familiar turns of the Gardens. If he wasn’t in Pecari, she knew where he would be, because it was the same place that she liked to go. To most it was just an ordinary bench, but it was one encompassed with memories. It was where they had started secretly meeting. It was where he said he loved her. It was where she found out he was sick. It was where they renewed their relationship.

It was where she found him now. Getting closer, she could see that he was gasping, meaning that he must have had a violent coughing fit. Worry lines creased her face as she slipped onto the bench beside him. She pulled her legs up to her chest and folded her arms around them, resisting the urge to mother him. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t do that. Besides, it wouldn’t do any good. It wasn’t as though she could fix any of it no matter how much she wanted to. The only thing she could do was sit and wait. Thankfully, it only lasted for a couple of minutes. If it was longer, she may have panicked.

“Hi,” she said quietly before holding out a napkin filled with a slice of bread and raw vegetables. “You missed dinner.” She didn’t bother to ask how he was, because of the frequency for which she would be asking as well as the fact that it was an obvious answer. She remained silent after that for a few moments playing with her shoelace before tentatively broaching what was on her mind, what had been on her mind since midterm. “Adam, I’m scared. I don’t know what a transplant is. I don’t understand why they can’t just give it to you. And I’m scared to hope for it.”

Nicoletta knew that she was bringing up everything that she probably should have brought up at the hospital, especially as the Healer might have been able to answer some of her questions, but even that wouldn’t have eased what she was feeling now as she watched him become a shadow of himself. “I don’t know how long I can stand this,” she said making a noise of frustration. Glancing over at him, she knew that she was being selfish. He had so much more to deal with. “I’m sorry. The not knowing probably feels a hundred times worse for you.”

0 Nicoletta Dupree Depends on your definition of here 64 Nicoletta Dupree 0 5

Adam

February 14, 2009 12:53 AM

Um... is there more than one? by Adam

Adam glanced at Nicoletta when she spoke. He had been trying so hard to catch his breath that he hadn't even noticed that she had seated herself beside him on the bench. "Thanks." He replied, taking the bread and vegetables from her. Most teenagers their age ate chips or other unhealthy snacks, but Adam's diet was strict and over the years he had grown to enjoy the foods that he had been programmed to eat. Although, lately, he was having a hard time finding the desire to eat the foods that he loved. He usually went to the hall for appearances and to make Nicoletta happy, but there were times like tonight when he wasn’t in his right frame of mind to even remember dinner at all. Of course, when that happened, Nic always seemed to find him and reminded him to eat.

He munched quietly on a carrot while the stale silence fell around him and Nicoletta. Usually when they were together, they would be chatting or touching or various other activities that defined them as a couple, but since the attack over midterm, things between them had become stretched thin. Neither of them seemed to be sleeping and when they were alone together it was either with awkward and stressed silence or with a sad quietness around them. It was like they were both too afraid to break the silence. Both afraid to say what was really on their mind.

And then she broke the silence by asking the questions that have been running between them for months and questions that he didn’t have the answers for. The truth was, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole ordeal. Yes, he wanted to live. Yes, he wanted a new heart. But at what expense? The heart would be tainted knowing that it was at the loss of another human life. “Is this something that we hope for?” Adam asked her, his voice quiet. He was looking back at the sky again, the sun setting even further than before. It would be dark soon.

“I want it. I want to have the heart because the one that I have doesn’t work right. I try, you know, to do what I’m supposed to. To keep from having the attacks. To keep my parents happy. To keep you happy.” Adam had forgotten about the food he held in his hand while he spoke. He hated being serious. He hated admitting to everything that was going on with him. When he pretended there was nothing wrong, he could actually forget. But now everything was a reminder to him and it terrified him beyond belief that his death was coming and his only salvation was the death of another human.

“But, how do I live knowing that someone had to die to give me their heart? Is that a fair trade?” Adam asked knowing that there was no real answer to give. Was he really worth that? His life for someone elses? When the idea of the transplant was brought up to Adam and his parents, they had all jumped in the idea because it was a solution, it was something to prolong his life when it would have otherwise been extinguished within the year. “I just…I just don’t know what to do anymore. What’s right. What to do. What to think about it all.”

0 Adam Um... is there more than one? 0 Adam 0 5

Nicoletta

February 17, 2009 8:49 PM

Here as in Sonora or here as in life by Nicoletta

Startled at the tone of the question, Nicoletta glanced sideways at Adam. Wasn’t it some that they hoped for? Shouldn’t they hope for it? Shouldn’t they want it? The future was something that they never really talked about since it was always assumed Adam didn’t have one, but if he got a new heart, it meant a second chance at life and all that came with it. He could go off to college, maybe even with her. Or he could get a job. Or he could travel the world. The possibilities would become endless to what he could do with his life.

Her brows knitted together in confusion, concern, and a hint of anger. He said he wanted it, but it didn’t sound as though he meant it. It seemed as though he just wanted whatever everyone else wanted, to keep them happy, to keep her happy. It was like he was pulling himself apart. None of it could be good for him. Didn’t he know her better than that though? Didn’t he know that he didn’t have to try and make her happy? He already had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He didn’t need the responsibility of more.

Before she could say anything, Adam went on, leaving her a bit speechless. He had more pressing down on him than she had even begun to imagine. With the idea of a new heart, the thought of where it came from had never occurred to her. It would come with death, the death of another person. One that might have had a future filled with the hopes and dreams that she wanted for Adam. One that would have family and friends who would be upset over the death just as they would have been/be over Adam’s. It was really a no-win situation.

She sighed looking down at the shoelace she had been toying with. It was now incredibly knotted, which was a good representation to the way her stomach felt. A part of her wished that she had never begun this conversation, wished that she had continued to allow the silence. She hated not knowing what to say, not knowing how to make everything okay, because in her heart of hearts, she was willing to sacrifice someone else for Adam and she felt like a horrible, selfish person for it. But was it really that wrong to want him to live no matter the price?

“Is life fair? Is anything ever fair? Is it fair for two people to die when one has a chance to live?” Nicoletta asked, but she didn’t expect an answer. They weren’t really questions that needed one. Her thoughts racing around as her gaze rested on the brilliance of the sunset. It really was beautiful. “Maybe the only thing to do is just that, to live, because if you don’t, then their death is meaningless.” She chewed on her lip a moment before asking a question on a terrifying future, “If you died, but someone else could live as a result, would you want them to?”

0 Nicoletta Here as in Sonora or here as in life 0 Nicoletta 0 5