So... I'm back. on Library

Xavier Lundstrom

June 16, 2023 4:22 AM

So... I'm back. by Xavier Lundstrom

OOC: CW - references to addiction BIC:

So, here he was… Back. He’d done a decent job on his make up CATS. Funnily enough, he could be a half decent student and wizard when he wasn’t driving himself off the rails. He’d still overdone several of the spells. His magic was flowing much more freely and co-operatively than it ever had been and it turned out there was quite a lot of it. He was still getting used to scaling back the force he needed to cast spells.

That was only going to be relevant in one of his classes. He’d kept Charms, both out of loyalty to Professor Wright and because it was useful, even though it would mean sharing a class with Oz. Luckily, that was their only one. Just that and a house… Xav had thought that, now things were better with him, they might be better with Oz too. But he hadn’t been there to meet him when he got back to school. The little fluttering of hope that said maybe Oz hadn’t been given the option was firmly crushed when Oz took one look at him at the Pecari table at lunch, and firmly turned to go sit at Crotalus with Henry, avoiding another glance in his direction. A chasm had opened between them, and even though Xavier had changed so much and made so many things better, he didn’t know how to reach across it. He wondered whether he’d find out tomorrow, in Charms, or whether Oz would simply do as he had done at lunch, and pretend Xavier was invisible when they were in the same room.

After potions, he’d had a lot of empty time left to fill, which wasn’t ideal. He had a lot of check-ins and supervised periods with various staff, but he had these couple of hours to take responsibility for himself… He had come to the library, on the grounds that it wasn’t somewhere Oz was likely to go (though given how he was attached to Henry, that might not be a safe bet—still it was the best he could do). It was also a space supervised by an adult, which meant Xavier couldn’t do anything worse than sit and mentally torture himself by letting his brain run around in circles. In theory, there was also distraction, though why he thought he’d be up to studying, he didn’t know…

He had the end of his potions questionnaire to fill out, having asked for extra time after he hit a wall in class in trying to work out how to answer honestly without sounding like a threat to himself or others. He wasn’t any more. He had worked it out. He was stable and balanced and allowed to be here, but his interest in potions skated close to the darker parts of himself. Perhaps he could have just lied and said he deeply cared about cures for hiccups or whatever, but a summer of intensive therapy had drilled home the fact that lying about your feelings and motivations just led you round in circles until you came clean.

He looked over what he had already written.

Exposure to potions outside of class.

So far, that was blank, and likely to stay that way. The fact he had home-brewed his own cures in his room and swallowed raw potions ingredients to drown out the pounding in his head probably wasn’t the kind of information she was looking for. Moreover, it had been abusing his mom’s medication that he finally got busted for, and that had been serious enough… If they found out he’d been stealing, breaking school rules on brewing, and endangering himself, that might be enough to expel him. And Oz was an accessory to all those crimes.

The administration was, understandably, already twitchy about him being in potions, and there had been a lot of restrictions placed around his access to the cabinet. They knew it was a risk, just they were basing that on conjecture rather than realising it had already happened.

Interests and goals.: I have migraines, PTSD, and more of the future shoved into my head on a regular basis than any sane person can deal with. In the past, I’ve used and abused medication as a way of avoiding these issues. I don’t want to repeat those mistakes. I figure the more I know about how potions actually work, the risks associated with them, and the processes involved, the more I can make informed and healthy decisions about how I use them. If I could discover some awesome miracle potion that blocks out unwanted and intrusive visions without blocking up my magic and returning me to migraine land, that’d be awesome, but I know it’s unlikely.

He’d probably just have to stick to therapy and meditation, and hoping to be a vaguely mentally balanced human who cared enough about what he was seeing to not be a cold-hearted psychopath but not so much that he wanted to drown himself in the nearest available refuge—be it boys, Xanax, or weird berries.

Challenges: Resisting temptation. I promise I’m doing better though. Sorry about all the extra locks and protocols you have because of me.

He wasn’t sure about that one… He wanted to apologise, but he couldn’t do that without making it sound like he was at risk of going off the rails again. Which he hoped he wasn’t. She knew all about the measures and stuff because she’d been told, and today in class, his ingredients had appeared on his desk, carefully counted and rationed. It wasn’t like he needed to tell her, but he still wanted her to hear it from him, even if she’d already heard it from someone else…

He stared at his answers, torn between crossing them all out in favour of something that made him sound normal, and handing it in as it was. After a while, he shoved the paper in his bag, still not fully decided whether he wanted to go burn it or submit it. He definitely wanted to move and stretch his legs. He had been here so long that classes were over for the day, which meant there was the option to go and find all his non-existent friends…

Except, as he finished tucking his work away and preparing to leave, someone approached.

13 Xavier Lundstrom So... I'm back. 1529 1 5

Alexei Vorontsov

June 29, 2023 11:05 PM

Which is good, right? by Alexei Vorontsov

Left to his own devices, Alexei might have preferred to study in the Gardens, but very little exposure to Advanced classes had convinced him that he was going to have to spend a lot of time this year indoors. More specifically, he was going to have to spend a lot of his time in the library.

And this is still only the beginning, he thought glumly, looking over the stacks of books he’d acquired in the course of doing his homework. Or at least, in the course of starting to do his homework. He’d thought, when he’d gotten home with his school shopping and had seen them all together for the first time, that he had a lot of books to deal with this year, but he strongly suspected that the pile of extra books he more or less read though was going to exceed the number he’d brought to school with him very, very soon. As in, within the week. He liked reading, of course, and the material was interesting, but….

Shaking his head, he looked down at the book in front of him again, trying one more time to understand a sentence that seemed sort of – backward, somehow. Unfortunately, however, while he could read each individual word, he found it as difficult now as before to string those words together into a meaningful complex. As soon as he got to one, he forgot the one before it. Which was not an issue of English grammar. He picked up a quill and tried translating word by word into Russian, but he only got a few words in before he got stuck, suddenly unable to remember a word in either language.

Blinking, Alexei checked his watch and was almost relieved to see how late it had gotten. On one hand, he was not nearly far enough along with his homework – on the other hand, though, it was certainly late enough to blame his muddled head on tiredness. It had been a long day, after all, and he was still more than half in summer thinking – to say nothing of the light issue. For most of the time he’d been at home in Alaska, there had been eighteen to twenty hours of sunlight per day; it had started to drift away from that standard, by the time he’d left home, but it still felt like it was much later than it was, somehow, now as he glanced over the dim library windows.

Time to go, he decided, and started picking his own textbooks out of the library books. That done, he started toward the door and only slightly hesitated when he realized he was about to pass a table occupied by his roommate.

“I think we’ll see more Aladrens than usual, this year. Unless our stacks of books are so tall we that we won’t be able to see anyone around them,” he joked. He knew exactly enough to know that acting normal was either a good idea or a terrible idea. He could only hope it was a good idea. “Did you finish any assignments? I got some of this done, some of that – nothing altogether.”

16 Alexei Vorontsov Which is good, right? 1531 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

July 03, 2023 7:04 AM

Yeah, probably by Xavier Lundstrom

It wasn't Oz. Which was the point... It was why Xavier had come to the library, and was what he was expecting. So why did it hurt so much that it wasn't?

Of all the 'not Oz' people that it was possible for it to be, Alexei wasn't a bad option. The two of them were going to have to see each other sooner or later after all. May as well make it sooner, and in an environment where it was easier for one of them to make their excuses and leave, if need be. Besides having a room to himself for a handful of days now and at the end of last term, Xavier wasn't sure how affected Alexei was by what had happened. He was geographically close rather than emotionally close to the situation. Unless he'd heard rumours - accurate or wildly exaggerated - and was worried about what sort of state he might find Xavier in on returning to their room.

He was still trying to work out how and whether to address this when Alexei spoke. For a moment, Xavier was confused because it had nothing discernable to do with him. And then he realised... Alexei was just doing Homework Chat. Like everything was normal.

"Same," he answered, relieved to find that his focus wasn't the only one that was scattered, especially as he arguably had much more reason for his to be. "And this is just the start... Unless they're hitting us extra hard at the beginning to make us... like, toughen up and take it Seriously." It seemed unlikely but he could hope. Though he'd be better off if they saved hitting them hard for once he had his feet under him a bit more. "What subjects are you taking?"

13 Xavier Lundstrom Yeah, probably 1529 0 5

Alexei Vorontsov

July 10, 2023 4:18 PM

Better than the alternatives, anyway? by Alexei Vorontsov

It had...well, it was perhaps too soon to say if it had been a good idea, but it was...okay. For the moment, anyway. Xavier was not having a nervous breakdown, or visions, or...whatever. This was good.

“Maybe it will feel that way, even if it’s not true?” he suggested to the idea that they were being toughened up by having too much work thrown at them all at once, just to see if they would crack. “Though maybe it is – they probably think, if we’ll end up leaving a class, then maybe it’s better for us to do it sooner instead of later. So maybe it won’t be so bad once they decide we’re going to stay.” He shrugged philosophically. “I tell myself that my sisters both finished all their classes, and Tatiana...she’s...not a patient person.” This was a diplomatic way to put it, he thought. “Maybe I’m not as patient as Katya, but I think I do better than Tatya, so. If she did okay, I can do okay.”

There were probably reasons, he knew, why this wouldn’t count as a logical thought. For one thing – for all he knew, allowances had been made for things like Tatya’s spelling, and those wouldn’t be made for him – they had realized how inadequately prepared Tatya had been when she’d come to Sonora within a few letters home, and he had therefore benefited from her experiences as well as Katya’s. Plus, they were simply different people, and no two witches or wizards were equally skilled, probably not even identical twins, so why would two siblings with several years between them have the same luck? He found that a less cheerful thought, though, so he tried to sort of ignore it. Diligence was a real issue, after all, and it was perfectly accurate to put his level of that trait squarely between those of his sisters.

“Too many, probably,” he grumbled, lightly. “Almost everything we started school with. Charms, Transfiguration, Defense – Potions and Herbology. What about you?” Then he added, “it’s good to see you again, man, good you’re back.”

16 Alexei Vorontsov Better than the alternatives, anyway? 1531 0 5

Xavier Lundstrom

July 11, 2023 6:07 AM

Yeah, that's something by Xavier Lundstrom

“Yeah, maybe,” Xavier said, as Alexei joined in on his theorising. They were circling around the idea of cracking under pressure, and Xavier searched for a way to promise that he wasn’t going to do so, at least not as bad as last time… Except it wasn’t quite on topic enough for him to confront the elephant of awkwardness that was going to be in their shared room…

Alexei seemed to at least be able to back up his assumptions that he’d do well with some reasonable evidence, based on the family members who had been there. Which was more than Xavier could do. He could have compared his and Joel’s general academic ability and likelihood for getting through school. That had previously been on a par but then Joel hadn’t experience kidnap, torture and self-medication abuse, which Xavier thought probably tipped the scales over any kind of genetically hardwired gift for academics.

He searched for something to say about Alexei’s sisters. Tatia was the one who had broken off two engagements and Katia had been very ill at some point, but he couldn’t say for certain whether any of those things had happened yet… It was one of the things that had got under his skin and made him so lonely the last few years—he’d had more than one misstep asking people about things they didn’t know about, and it freaked them out.

“I’m sure you’ll do well,” he assured Alexei. “And your sisters… are doing okay?” He hoped it didn’t seem loaded that he was asking. He was just trying to be interested and nice—apparently, he was out of practice with even those most basic of human skills.

“Divination, astronomy, charms and potions,” he answered, figuring that some of those weren’t going to come as a surprise, even to someone without the Sight.

“Thanks,” he said, finding himself weirdly touched when Alexei properly welcomed him back. He suspected it had something to do with the way Alexei called him ‘man,’ which was both completely unnatural to his background and absolutely perfectly fitting, because Alexei had always been a magpie, picking up sparkly bits of the English language that took his fancy. Many of them from Xavier. They might not have been best friends, but they were a comfortable presence in each other’s life. He’d spent a lot of last year regarding his roommate as an obstacle to work around, working out his schedule—conveniently full of prefect patrols—so that Xav could take Oz into his room to make out. But that wasn’t going to be happening any more, and Alexei didn’t replace the crushing weight of loneliness that Xavier felt at losing his boyfriend and best friend. But he was lonely without being alone, and he guessed that was something. “It’s better being back than the alternative,” he said, not quite sure whether Alexei would believe him if he professed to unqualified happiness at returning. “And good to see you too, man. And it’s not going to happen again—what happened last year, I mean. You don’t have to worry about that, or me… It was a one time accident.”

OOC: I figured I'd make some guesses at plausible events which you are free to use or discard, as I don't think of Xavier's Sight as infallible - especially as there's also the possibility of him misinterpreting or misremembering things, given how scrambly he made his brain.

13 Xavier Lundstrom Yeah, that's something 1529 0 5

Alexei Vorontsov

July 18, 2023 7:39 PM

Beats nothing. by Alexei Vorontsov

“My sisters? Oh, yes. They are all well, I think – though we did not see Sonia much this summer. And Katya has decided to marry someone she knew here.”

It was possible, of course, that Xavier already knew this, but it seemed unlikely. At least, Alexei really hoped it was. He found the thought of one of his sisters marrying a southerner strange and a little offputting, but it was really not the kind of thing that ought to have enough significance to show up in the future. At least, he hoped not. It was one thing to think about doing something grand when one was in the nursery, but in reality, it seemed to usually be very uncomfortable to be someone of significance, or to have one’s family members be people of significance. That could happen if you didn’t even like the family members in question, but it went doubly for them because he thought they all did like Katya….

“Nothing wrong with people here, of course,” he added, afraid that might have linked up with the ‘though’ before his statement about Sonia to imply it was questionable if Katya was really well if she was marrying someone she’d known here. “We were all just surprised – he does not even speak Russian even a little. But I suppose he can learn,” he granted. “Your family’s doing well, too?” He knew Xavier had a sister who was here and a brother who was not, and that they were all closer in age than Alexei was to any of his siblings; it was a situation he found interesting to imagine, though he thought it would probably be rude to say so.

Xavier just decided to address the elephant in the room, and Alexei couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved. He hadn’t been thinking that, exactly – but it was good to hear someone say it out loud. This was, of course, no guarantee of accuracy, but – it was a start.

“That’s good,” he said. “But if – eh – you need something, and I can help, you let me know, ok?” He was aware this was probably the most awkward offer ever made, but he did mean it. He cleared his throat. “Anyway." You want to get some dinner?”

16 Alexei Vorontsov Beats nothing. 1531 0 5