Joe Has A Realization on Alumni

Joe Umland

April 27, 2022 1:49 PM

Joe Has A Realization by Joe Umland

There was nothing, Joe thought as he made yet another round, to make him believe in punishment for original sin like the existence of formalwear. He'd never been quite as averse to it as, say, John ("that's how you know they're dead and in Heaven," he recalled John observing when their mother had been reading out loud to Cecily and George once and they'd happened to be there when she had gotten to the part where in Narnia your good clothes were never your uncomfortable ones), but it was hard to deny that Earthly formalwear, at least, definitely got...tiring, after a few hours. He didn't know how Julian dealt with something like it as much as she did.

Still - just a few more hours to get through, and then Paul and Delia's wedding would wrap up and he could have a bath and go to bed, satisfied that everything had played out just as it was supposed to have done. His sister had done the actual decision-making, but as usual, it had been his job to run around with clipboards for two days making sure everything actually came together....

"Hey, Jimmy. Everything okay over here?" he asked the head waiter, who nodded. "Good, good. You know - "

"Joseph!"

Joe blinked, surprised by the sound of his own name. "You know where everything is if you need something, right?" he asked Jimmy, and then turned to look at Lenore Crowley, his stomach sinking as soon as he saw her face. She was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, clearly only just holding back laughter. Lenore had one of the worst senses of humor of anyone he'd ever met, and technically hadn't even been invited - she'd just showed up at the beginning of the reception and, as usual, nobody had known quite what to do about it besides ignoring her, even though they all knew this appearance meant she was probably bored and that it was always a headache for everyone else when she was bored. Her attention was not something Joe thought was going to be good for his record of, so far, zero major mishaps at this party. Please don't let her annoy John into going on another very loud tirade about politics in public, please don't let her annoy John into going on another very loud tirade about politics in public -

"Lenore," he said, faking a smile. It became a little easier when he noticed she was just with Cecily, and that John was on the other side of the room, making no effort whatsoever to hide that he'd taken out a book and was reading it right there at the table. Technically this probably counted as being blatantly rude at their brother's wedding, but all things considered, Joe would allow it as long as Julian allowed it, since he knew Paul wouldn't care and Delia - well, if she noticed and really wanted to complain, she could take it up with Paul or Sammy, get laughed at, and there would be an end to it, but he doubted she would. Lenore laughing at Cecily might prompt a bit of a scene, depending on Cecily's mood, but nobody would think much of it because children were supposed to be morons and, furthermore, should have probably been in bed already. "Haven't seen you since - when was it?"

"George's birthday party, probably. I've been out of the country. But who cares about that. You've got to hear what Cecily just asked me!"

He looked at his niece warily. She didn't look like she was in on any joke.... "What's going on, C?" he asked, taking a seat.

Cecily frowned. "I'm supposed to say 'Aunt Delia' now, aren't I?" she said.

"Yes. 'Cause she's married to Uncle Paul now."

"And Aunt Sammy is Aunt Sammy, and Aunt Aimee is Aunt Aimee...."

"Since they're - uh - with John and Uncle Stephen, right," Joe confirmed, making a mental note that they really did have to figure out some way to explain to Cecily about Sammy sometime before she went to school. They'd thought she'd just realize on her own, but she was getting quite big now and still didn't seem to have cottoned on. "What's this about?"

"If Mommy or Daddy had sisters, those would be my aunts, too, but Mommy and Daddy only have brothers, right?"

"Right...."

"And married people usually live together, so why don't you and Aunt Nora?" Cecily concluded, and Lenore burst out laughing, covering her face with her hands as Joe stared at his niece in abject horror. Cecily, not seeming to notice his consternation, glared at Lenore and stamped her foot. "See? i asked if she was married to Uncle Algy and she said no, so that's all I said, and then she started laughing at me!"

"Oh - don't look at me like that, Cecily," Lenore protested. "It just makes it funnier."

"Why?"

And this was why they should have already explained about John and Sammy, Joe thought, rubbing his eyes as an excuse to close them to the conversation in front of him. Why the child would decide to follow this chain of logic, he had no idea, but here they were. "Uh - well, Aunt Aimee and Aunt Delia and Aunt Sammy...aren't the same as Aunt Nora," he explained, even though Aunt Sammy and Aunt Nora were in some ways more similar than he was giving them credit for here, he guessed. "Aunt Nora...is actually somehow Mommy's cousin, but she just...won't go away, and she's a grown-up, so that's why you call her Aunt Nora. She's not married to anybody. Neither am I."

"Oh." Cecily frowned again. "So why don't you both get married?"

Jesus God, what did I ever do to deserve this?

"Because we don't want to," he said out loud, for lack of any better ideas.

"Why?"

"Because we just...don't," he said.

"So why don't you marry someone else?"

"I'm never marrying anyone," Lenore put in helpfully. "Remember this, kid - all anyone wants from a rich girl is to steal all her money. I don't know what his problem is."

Joe rubbed his eyes again. "I haven't got time, honestly," he said, leaving out the or money while thinking of the endless rounds of his existence: go to work, get off work, immediately get back to work semi-parenting his sister's children while she and her husband did politics and probably other politicians, run back and forth between his sister and his brother trying to keep both that relationship and to a greater or lesser degree the parties involved reasonably stable, keep everything around his sister running smoothly.... "I have got to get a life," he added in a mutter, not really to either of them. He thought Lenore heard him, though, because she started laughing again.

16 Joe Umland Joe Has A Realization 329 1 7