Malikhi Hill
March 03, 2021 9:42 AM
I'd forgotten what it was like to breathe. by Malikhi Hill
Malikhi always had mixed feelings every year when he returned to Sonora. He was always happy to see his friends again and he couldn't deny that there was always a particular friend that he looked forward to seeing the most. Johana-Leonie (it was weird to call her by her full name... Hana) held a special place in Malikhi's heart and he couldn't deny that he had hopes that maybe, this year he could work up enough courage to ask her if she wanted to be more than friends...That thought was also causing some (correction: a lot of) anxiety. Still, he needed to put all of that to one side. For now. To be dealt with... later.
This year, his final year, brought with it many complicated feelings. There was his very rapidly approaching future beyond Sonora that he was worried about, what he wanted to do beyond Sonora which he still hadn't worked out. There was a fear there too, a strong fear of the unknown. Sonora was comfortable, known, unchanging and stable. Malikhi had come like to stable. It meant a lot to him to know that the ground underneath him wasn't going to fall away. His world had been rocked about enough and he didn't relish the idea of it being turned on its head again, especially when it wasn't completely firm on its current axis.
The last feeling was, of course, the fact that he missed his Mum while he was away at Sonora. He always did. There was always a pang of sadness every time he left her. It was worse, now, however. This year's goodbye had involved many promises and questions and tears and she had checked and rechecked his bags and had nearly made him late. She had become more intense over the last year. It had started small, checking him over when he got home for any cuts, scrapes, bruises or even just an aching muscle. If he was late, she'd be frantic and she'd yell and then cry and then yell some more until she wore herself out or his Aunt got involved. It escalated another step when, if he was going out, his Mum needed to know exactly where he was going, how long for, where he was then going to go... It was exhausting having to provide an itinerary and then have to try and stick to it and God forbid if she found out that he had deviated even a minute from his plans. It had become so exhausting to try and keep her reassured and calm, Malikhi found it easier to just stay at home under her constant watch. It seemed to be the only way to keep her satisfied.
It also felt like he could no longer breathe.
It had been a battle to convince her that returning to Sonora was a good thing to do. Malikhi remembered his Mum crying and begging him not to go back, that staying with her was the safest thing for him to do. It had taken him shouting at her, pointing out that she would be jeopardising his education, his future, potentially even his life. She had been so surprised at his sudden flare in temper that she had quietened down and tearfully agreed. He had felt so incredibly guilty for shouting at her and had later apologised but his Mum had driven him crazy for weeks and to feel like his one steady place was being ripped from him had made him angry and scared and upset.
He had carried the guilt with him all the way to Sonora and even through to his dormitory as he had unpacked his things. It wasn't until he wandered into the Gardens and taken a deep breath and savoured the quiet and the calm that his guilt slowly started to ebb away and that his decision to return had been the right one.
"It feels like home..."
20
Malikhi Hill
I'd forgotten what it was like to breathe.
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