The counselor's office [Killian] on Sonora Lounges

Katey Willow

February 12, 2021 6:41 PM

The counselor's office [Killian] by Katey Willow

Her thumb rolled over the lidded vial a number of times, dancing across the top as if she could wipe away the tainted parts and the final product, brushed and polished, would be her Ethan again. But it couldn’t, and it wouldn’t, and the little glass bottle held him at his worst. Still, Katey couldn’t stop it.

Since reclaiming the bottle from Selina, the medic had probably watched it replay half a dozen times. This, and a million other moments with Ethan, played a constant loop in her mind lately, but it was an even more jarring experience to actually, literally watch it and not just remember it. To see it again (and again, and again) in real detail was…

Unhealthy. It was unhealthy. That was the only adjective for it, and she had to accept that. Maybe she should have just let Selina destroy it, but that thought also just felt completely unbearable. So it couldn’t be damaged, but she also couldn’t hold onto it. As Katey saw it, there was only one solution.

She knocked nervously on the door to Killian’s office and entered when given permission to do so. “Hey,” she began awkwardly. “So, this is going to be weird, but I need a favor.” She held up the vial, removing the extra fingers wrapped tightly around it so that only her thumb and forefinger gripped it, making it visible to him. “I got this from Selina a few days ago. It’s, uh. It’s what we saw in the Lounge. My memory of Ethan. I couldn’t stand the thought of her destroying it, but having it around is destroying me. So I was wondering if… maybe you could hold onto it for me?”

Katey took a breath. Her voice trembled slightly. “I don’t really trust people very easily. You can probably imagine why. I don’t trust anyone else not to watch it, but you’ve already seen it. I can’t stop watching it and I need it gone, but… I just can’t get rid of it, either. Would you mind?”

12 Katey Willow The counselor's office [Killian] 1505 1 5

Killian Row

February 14, 2021 9:14 PM

Hey, that's where I hang out. by Killian Row

Killian was thinking a lot of things because that was what he did all the time but especially since the revelation of what the mists around campus had been. There was a conversation he needed to have that he did not at all want to have and with an upcoming dinner invitation now on his mind and pending summer plans, he needed to have that conversation sooner rather than later. He just really really didn't want to. He also had found a particularly well-worn pit of self-loathing that he'd managed to ignore in any conscious form for such a good long while that he'd almost forgotten it was there. The edges were smooth, worn from the many times he'd revisited the feeling, and it didn't hurt so much to go there because it was just a place where his mind went sometimes and that was normal. He didn't think of himself as particularly down on himself but this familiar pit made him wonder if that wasn't true. More than anything, it made him wonder what he would have done if Selina had never brought to the surface what she had, and whether he would have given into the cowardice that called him to keep this all from Ema. Now, he couldn't do that. But would he have? He'd told Selina he wanted to tell Ema, but was that true? There was no way to know for sure now, so he only visited his hypothetical what-if scenarios of the conversation he needed to have and the pit of self-loathing as ways to keep himself occupied until The Conversation actually happened.

In the meantime, knocks sounded periodically at his door and he let them in, extra prepared at this time of year with information on college and trade programs, internships, externships, class information, and more. In this case, it was an adult who walked in and he smiled when he saw her.

"Hey," he returned, smiling with a more cheerful demeanor than Katey displayed until he registered that and withdrew some. His eyebrows came up automatically, although not necessarily suspiciously, when she said she needed a favor, and he rose to his feet automatically, getting the impression she didn't want to sit down. "What can I do for you?" he asked, rubbing his hands together a bit as if she might be on the verge of asking him to move a heavy thing or reach a high thing.

What she asked was not at all what he expected, though surprisingly close to the thoughts that he'd been dwelling on before she arrived. For one tempting second, he considered showing her the memory he'd kept of Lorcan, taking the bottle from Selina to destroy or keep as he pleased and as was most cathartic to him by the time he made that decision. He had, after all, seen her memory, and it seemed polite somehow to return the favor. Still, he was not about to do that given both the contents and the circumstances, and he only nodded instead.

"I can do that," he agreed, running his mind over some of the better options to make sure no students found it by accident. It would, he decided, remain in his office, away from his private quarters where other memories already laid claim to haunting him. Then, he smiled some, softly and proudly. "For what it's worth, you are getting rid of it in a way. Just in a different way. That's very brave of you. I'll keep it safe."

22 Killian Row Hey, that's where I hang out. 1450 0 5

Katey Willow

February 15, 2021 5:38 PM

That's convenient! by Katey Willow

Brave: adjective. Ready to face and endure danger our pain; showing courage.

It was not a sentiment that Katey often attributed to herself. Perhaps there was some understood sense of courage in a medical context. One had to have even hands and a strong stomach to witness certain medical anomalies or impairments. She had seen things just in med school that could have reversed the course of the everyman’s lunch. But that was a concrete bravery, a job necessity. In her personal life, Katey knew herself to be a coward. She let others make the decisions when they got too tough, and she listened blindly even when she knew that perhaps they did not have her best interests at heart. When situations were too tough, she ran. She kept herself guarded, but behind the walls, she was made of glass, ready to shatter.

So to hear Killian say that she was being brave…. It caused her a moment’s hesitation. She looked at him, her round lips slightly open as if she had something to say, but dumbstruck and silent in stark opposition to it. “I…. Thank you, Killian,” she managed after a moment. Her blank expression turned to gratitude, and she smiled, genuinely, as her heart leveled and a thought occurred to her. Despite some unreciprocated feelings that she still harbored, Katey was very lucky to have someone like him in her life. “You are easily one of the dearest friends I have ever known.”

12 Katey Willow That's convenient! 1505 0 5

Killian Row

February 15, 2021 8:37 PM

Most of the time! by Killian Row

Killian resisted a very surprising urge to breathe a great big sigh of relief at Katey's comment, and he felt bad about that. 'Friend' was a word he had hoped she'd attribute to him, nothing more or less than that since events of the previous summer, and he hadn't been entirely sure. He supposed he still wasn't, but Katey was an adult and could manage her own self when it came to her social interactions, which he appreciated. Besides that was the fact that it was a nice as heck thing to say, especially when he was feeling especially awful about himself, and his grin came out lopsided and sheepish in response.

"I'm honored," he told her, resisting the urge to point out that she clearly needed some more or better friends (she sounded in need of both quantity and quality at this point) in her life. Of course, it wasn't like he had any real monopoly on friends at this point either. "I should thank you as well actually. I tend to be a pretty social person--" a statement which was true, even if he was maybe short of close friends other than his own girlfriend as of late "--but I don't have a lot of people who would trust me so much I think, or come to check on me sometimes. I appreciate how kind you are."

22 Killian Row Most of the time! 1450 0 5

Katey Willow

February 16, 2021 7:15 AM

In this context, for sure. by Katey Willow

One of Katey’s worst habits was the ability and tendency to internalize everything. At the end of the day, it was due to a tumultuous combination trauma in her past and a lightning-quick brain. Often that powerful mind was a gift; it had definitely helped the young savant graduate and complete med school at an incredibly rapid pace. But sometimes, it fought against her, its speed pushing her too quickly and too firmly in the wrong direction when spurred on by toxic stimuli. Her needs and wants could blur together, and her wants were often bad for her. Katey made mistakes that she knew she was too smart to make, but that little genius in her head hadn’t gathered its facts from especially accredited sources this time.

But maybe she didn’t have to make things so complicated all the time. Her relationship to Killian could serve as a prime example. Maybe she needed to just learn when she had a good thing going and not try to put any more into it than it really needed. Her stupid little heart still called for him, but its shouts could be dulled by common sense insulation, and the realization that she was lucky to have as much as she had. Through reasons outside her own control, Killian knew things about her. He had not thus far told anyone, as far as she knew, and he had not treated her any differently. He was the same kind, supportive Killian that he had always been, no judgment, no pity.

This time, kindness was what he ascribed to her, and that one, Katey saw as fitting. Kindness was a virtue she saw as most necessary for a Healer to possess, and one that she also tried to harness in herself deeply and truly, to be used both professionally and personally. Kindness was her light. “Thank you,” she said again with a soft gentle smile. Katey handed over her memory, letting her friend carry a fraction of the burden for her, and immediately, she felt a little lighter. Her smile grew, just a little. “Just don’t splinch yourself again, mkay? Then I won’t have to check on you so much,” she teased, recalling his condition at the start of the school year. She gave a light, friendly squeeze on his upper arm. “See you later.”

12 Katey Willow In this context, for sure. 1505 0 5