Conversations I don't want to have but am having a lot of. [Ema] on At Home

Killian Row

February 14, 2021 10:03 PM

Conversations I don't want to have but am having a lot of. [Ema] by Killian Row

Killian did, despite his own thoughts on the matter, have time off sometimes. Now that Ema was a short trip away, he was actually pretty okay with that. However, that had been before, when he'd been mostly sure she'd be okay with that too. With the concert coming up at Sonora, Selina had since extended an invitation to Killian for his parents to come to dinner with the Skies family one night while they were in town, and with his and Ema's shared agenda quickly filling up for the summer . . . well, it was almost easy to think that he was doing this because he knew he needed to and not just because he'd been caught like a bad schoolboy. Caught like he'd been all those years ago, by an adult who found out something bad happened when they needed to go about fixing it.

Today's use of time off was to be spent with Ema and he'd asked her to meet him at a coffee shop in a town that basically no one went to because it was boring. It was also a muggle town, which was helpful for anonymity, and there were plenty of nearby parks and things that they could walk through if their conversation suddenly needed to not be restrained by inside voices. Also, Ema could leave this way. As he sat at a table alone, waiting for her to arrive, he kept his eyes on his hands. If he hadn't, they would have roved to the door, where every outfit he'd ever seen on her would have made an appearance in various iterations of her walking out on him and not coming back.

22 Killian Row Conversations I don't want to have but am having a lot of. [Ema] 1450 1 5

Ema Skies

February 14, 2021 10:23 PM

Life is good! by Ema Skies

Life was rarely perfect, but Ema thought that right now it might be coming close. Okay, a lot of things were still up in the air, and that led to some awkwardness. She was shuttling between different relatives, making sure she didn’t out stay her welcome with any of them, and making excessive use of muffliato whenever Killian came over. But, if they planned on travelling in the summer (and they did, and she had maps and map pins, and her and Killian’s geekiness was overlapping like crazy because she was absolutely the kind of person who made colour-coded to-do lists for trips) then it didn’t make sense to waste money renting a house that they would leave standing empty, and they also needed to work out where exactly they wanted to live because the US was a heck of a big place. There were some constraints like making sure they weren’t hours and hours out of synch with Sonora - being in the same timezone was probably best - and she was busily looking for permanent job prospects that were compatible with that. In the meantime, she was temping and tutoring and house-sitting. It was all sort of a whirl, but it was mostly an exciting one, and the one steady and stable feature through all of it was a particularly beautiful human being who loved her, and whom she loved in return.

She was spending the most time staying with Krissy, because she was getting more and more ridiculously pregnant and incapable of tying her own shoes or whatever by the day. It was sort of weird and alarming. Obviously, Ema had been around pregnant people before. Like, they were out there existing in the world, and she had a couple of friends who’d had babies, but that generally meant she’d only seen them whilst they were feeling like being out and about and going for caffeine-free beverages. Living with Krissy was like a behind the scenes look at how tired and puffy and grumpy pregnancy made you, and it was sort of alarming. But hey, that was not her life, and probably wouldn’t be a thing she had to think about at all for a very long time, and it was nice to be useful. Whilst everyone else just had their regular daily life to get on with, Krissy’s life was changing, and that meant there were more things to do and more ways for Ema to help out, which meant she didn’t feel like such a free-loader. Her other family were pleased to have her back of course, and she was able to ride that for a while, but it was nice to be needed.

Today was a Killian day though, which was much more fun than dealing with pregnancy stuff, because it meant kisses and cuddles and the cutest human. He had picked somewhere new for them go, which Ema was excited about. Even the relative blah-ness of the café couldn’t throw off her chipper mood. They were out in Muggletown which always felt like an adventure, and she was sure he had a fun reason for being here.

“Hi,” she greeted him with a beaming smile and a kiss. He looked sort of careworn and fidgety but he had a million students who had suddenly realised they had no idea what they were doing with their future bugging him, so that look wasn’t unusual. She was also pretty sure he had somehow been made semi-responsible for at least one element of the concert, and although he would never say he had been pressganged against his will, she had her suspicions. “Someone giving you a headache?” she asked sympathetically, reaching across their table to twine their hands together.

13 Ema Skies Life is good! 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 14, 2021 10:49 PM

I hope it stays that way, my love. by Killian Row

OOC: Some allusions made to conversations that occurred between them off-screen, approved by Ema's author.

CW for some self-loathing BIC:

Killian accepted Ema's hands and kiss with a small smile. A number of phrases came to mind to describe the way he felt, including eat your heart out and swallowing bile. And swallowing pride actually too. Somewhere, where his bile and his pride had been forced together in the back of his throat, his heart had managed to start pounding, as if it knew that this might be the last time he got a kiss from Ema or got to hold her hands. He felt like a thief for wanting to make that moment last even just another heartbreaking heartbeat.

"A bit," he agreed when she asked about a headache. It wasn't the worst way to describe the feeling of rolling, sickening, swirling thoughts that had kept him up recently, or the way his head felt when he remembered the memory he'd accidentally shared with Selina in too much detail. It hadn't, after all, been a good day for his head then. He'd thought a lot about how he wanted to start this conversation and it all seemed insufficient now, but it did at least give him a direction. He'd considered asking about her knowledge of the memories at school as a whole, but that seemed like a starting place that might get him in trouble of Selina had not yet mentioned the broken pensive and if she preferred to keep that quiet from her family. She hadn't, after all, taken it home to work on. Besides, starting out with hey, so your mom found this thing out about me . . didn't seem wise.

"I want to talk to you about what's giving me a headache, and I'm not really sure how to," he admitted. "It's not you," he added by way of reassurance, although it made him sick to offer her any when it only seemed arrogant at this point to think she could keep caring enough to worry about such a thing. "I want to travel the world with you, but I want you to know for sure you want to go with me first and I want you to have every piece of knowledge you need to decide if you want me." It wasn't the only time his voice had ever been so serious, or so shaky, but certainly the first time Ema had heard it there. It wasn't the sort of serious that came with I love you, but rather the sort of serious that suggested that if he hadn't picked a public place and if he hadn't really needed to get through this conversation and if he had deserved any of the self-kindness that came with it, he might have been crying instead of talking.

He withdrew his hands, unable to shake the guilt that came with letting himself hold her or touch her or even look at her. This hadn't been this hard when he'd talked to Selina but he'd been surprised then. Now he'd had time to dwell on a whole lot of anxiety and fear and grief and anger and putting those all aside had not been very successful. His hands clasped in his lap and his gaze followed, remaining there as he spoke.

"There's sort of two things," he began, having decided that not only did Ema deserve to know about his history with Hannah, but also about Lorcan's penchant for violence given that she may at some point end up meeting him. "First, you need to know that I . . . messed up. When I was fifteen, there was a girl at Hogwarts and we weren't very safe, and I got her pregnant," he said, trying not to rush through it; he didn't deserve that saving grace. "She lost the baby," he added, keeping his eyes down, where he couldn't see whether that gave Ema relief or not. "It's . . . I've never really gotten over it. The baby was a girl . . . she would've been about twenty now." He closed his eyes altogether then. "The second thing I have to show you," he said, thinking of the memory burning a hole in his pocket. "But we have to go outside for that."

And he kept his eyes down when he opened them, not giving himself the chance to search her expression and not doing Ema the disservice of stealing her privacy too. Not on top of everything else. Plus, if she wanted to hit him, he wasn't going to stop her.

22 Killian Row I hope it stays that way, my love. 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 14, 2021 11:08 PM

I hope so too by Ema Skies

Things were not normal. Things were not good. It was pretty apparent from early on in the conversation that Killian was not talking about work stuff, but about him stuff, and that there was something dark and scary and bad that he thought might make her not like him anymore. Ema was rapidly getting the impression that Killian thought that often, and without good cause, and most of her had enough faith in him to trust that he was just being harder on himself than necessary. She didn’t have too long to weigh it up though because then he was talking. Saying-

A lot. A lot of things very fast. A stupid teenage mistake. But one that didn’t affect his life today. Except it did. And she wasn’t sure whether he wanted her forgiveness or her sympathy and suddenly she was sharing this space with the ghost of a person who had never come into Killian’s life but seemed to be on his mind a lot. A person she obviously didn’t want to have existed, one who would have made everything different but the way Killian was talking, was not just some mistake relegated to almost twenty years ago.

"Oh, Killian," she managed. He was hurting though, and she wanted to be sympathetic. That seemed easily achievable, because whatever was wrong, she wanted to reach out, hold onto him and patch it up, even if her head was still slightly whirling. She wanted to talk through what he’d just said – they needed to talk about that, presumably? Except she didn’t get the chance. Because now there was another thing, a thing that was here and real and that she had to go outside and see.

“Why, what’s outside?” she asked looking slightly alarmed, not sure what could be real, concrete and connected to this and whether she was ready to come face to face with whatever it was.

13 Ema Skies I hope so too 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 14, 2021 11:20 PM

You'll have to let me know what you decide. by Killian Row

She sounded like she didn't hate him yet, and that was good probably. The second thing he wanted to tell her about more or less hinged on his hope that she'd want to stick around enough to make it pertinent knowledge for her. She hadn't left, and that was more than he had dared hope, even if he also knew that Ema was far too kind a person to just walk out without discussing this first. He hadn't been so sure she wouldn't only a few minutes before, but now he found the need to justify why she hadn't yet. Yet. Because it was impossible to believe she wouldn't.

He looked up when she asked about what was outside though because he realized he hadn't been clear and also because she sounded alarmed and his instinct was to make whatever was worrying her go away when that was the case. That wasn't really possible here, but still.

"No, sorry," he said, his voice coming out a bit strangled. "There's nothing outside. I just can't show you in here. I brought part of a memory that . . . well I don't necessarily want you to see but I think you need to probably," he said, pulling the vial in his pocket part way out so that she could see it but so the muggles - few and far between as they were in this particular shop - wouldn't notice. He wasn't actually altogether sure if they could see it anyway.

"We can talk first here though if you want? I don't know . . . what do you want?" He grimaced then, letting out more of his fear than he meant to. "Do you want to leave?"

22 Killian Row You'll have to let me know what you decide. 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 14, 2021 11:59 PM

Run away by Ema Skies

Something to show her that he couldn’t show her in here? And he wasn’t making that into an innuendo. Things were really off today. Apparently they had found the time and the situation in which Killian could be deadly serious, and Ema didn’t like it and wanted to send it back and just put up with him being kind of an ass again.

“What’s it a memory of?” she asked, aware that kind of defeated the point of him bringing it to show her, but this was one area where she definitely didn’t want surprises. She kept her own voice very, very soft. Not just because they were in a Muggle district but just because there were people here. Albeit it only a few of them, but it still felt exposed and public, and how loud had Killian’s voice been when he’d said he’d gotten a girl pregnant at school? It shouldn’t have mattered, it was silly to care what strangers who would never see them again thought about them, and for the most part Ema didn’t – she could stroll around town quite happily with her brightly coloured hair, or with different coloured shoes, she could eat on her own in a restaurant just because she wanted what they were serving, and she definitely didn’t ever care what anyone thought about all that. But when it came to personal conversations, it suddenly felt like everyone was listening, and her feelings and her problems and her personal life were not things that strangers got to stare at. They were just for special people that you trusted.

What did she want? She felt bad that he was being so considerate when he was obviously feeling pretty crappy about this whole thing himself. And it shouldn’t have mattered. It didn’t matter, in that it was one stupid thing from a very long time ago, except everything he was saying made it sound like it really wasn’t done or he wasn’t done telling her stuff yet and that was making her stomach ball up with anxiety, more at the unknown that the known. Okay, so something had happened. How did that affect them?

“It’s about what you want too,” she answered, “Though yeah, those both sound good…” she admitted, not catching how he meant ‘leave.’ She was aware that her voice was dipping so low that he was possibly having to strain to hear her, but one of the baristas had started cleaning the table next to them and Ema was pretty sure that both she and the one still at the counter had super hearing and their proximity to a conversation that they had no business being in made her just want to crawl right inside her shell and smile out of the window instead of attempting words.

“Do you want me to get your order while I’m here?” the one nearby asked.

“Oh. Um, latte?” Ema guessed, wishing that she didn’t sound like she was guessing her own order. She was normally alright with the idea that she could not know the answer to a service person’s question and could need a little more time, but it was hard not to feel like she had to at least make that go right, and also like knowing the answer to that question was the quickest way to get them to leave her alone. “And a cup of tea?” she guessed on Killian’s behalf. “Can we get those to go, it’s actually such a nice day out there?” she added with a bright smile.

“Sure,” the girl nodded, going behind and ringing it up on the register. Ema stood up automatically, though she hadn’t known they were coming to a Muggle neighbourhood and wasn’t sure what she had on her. “Your turn?” she checked with Killian, “I’ll get them next time.” She leaned into him, whilst they waited, making sure he was real and solid against the threatening and intrusive world.

Once they were out the door with drinks in hand, she did not visibly relax, although she did take a deep breath of outside air.

“Sorry,” she stated. “I just always feel like people can overhear me even when I know they can’t.” And in the café, they had no control. If someone came in and took the seats behind them they were just trapped and penned in. “Can we walk?” she said, holding out her hand, “And find somewhere even quieter? And talk?”

13 Ema Skies Run away 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 15, 2021 12:25 AM

From me? by Killian Row

Ema seemed reluctant, which was fair given the circumstances, but hurt a lot more than he had expected. She'd never been that way with him, not since their first interactions at the lake house where she was only half sure he wouldn't try to seduce her, and now here she was, not trusting him to go outside. Not trusting what he had to show her. It hurt, and he couldn't blame her for it at all.

"Lorcan," he said. At some point, perhaps when it had to fight to get out past his heart in his throat, his voice had dropped so low - both in volume and pitch - that he doubted it would carry. It was odd to talk in such a low voice when all he wanted to do was scream. "It's a . . . conversation we had after we found out that the baby didn't make it."

He almost pointed out that she might not need to know if she didn't plan to stick around after part one of this conversation but there was the chance that she'd make it through part one and then find part two to be too much, so he didn't give qualifiers. It was what it was.

His warmth, tinged as it was still with guilt, when Ema reassured him that his own wants mattered too turned immediately sour when she said that yes, she did want to leave. He was quiet then, sitting in the feeling that he'd ruined the best thing that ever happened to him not by actively doing anything wrong but just by being who he was, until Ema ordered drinks for them. To go.

She wanted to leave.

It would be just like him to be so stupid as to misunderstand. To not be clear enough in the first place. But she had ordered them both a drink. He wanted to wrap her up and be the man she'd seen before who was confident and playful and who smiled easily, but it all just felt like a lie when so much was weighing so actively on his mind. He stood up as she did, following the familiar motions of a date that would have been really lovely. Should have been really lovely. He almost even smiled when Ema asked him to cover the drinks; he'd always felt like he was in on some big huge secret when he went out with other magical people and had to pretend that that wasn't totally the reason they were being weird in muggle spaces, but now secrets didn't taste like smiles.

"Of course," he said in a friendlier tone than he expected to be able to manage. Then he paid in the sort of cash this place would accept and Ema held on to him. Leaned into him. She didn't shy away from his touch but instead leaned into it as if she wanted it as badly as he did. He hesitated a moment before risking his own response, reaching out one hand to put it on her back, where it might just be friendly if she didn't want more than that and where they could call it part of the ruse of their actions in this muggle business or they could call it more than that. It felt like cracking the window in a stuffy room to feel her against him.

They left and Killian took a breath of the same air she did, feeling every bit as relieved to be outside as Ema seemed to, although neither of them quite seemed relieved. He wanted to point out that the half memory in his pocket meant that sometimes people could overhear the inside of your head even when they weren't in the same room when you thought something and she wasn't exactly wrong, but that seemed unnecessarily intense.

She held out her hand and Killian looked at it for a moment, more as if he were afraid he might bite than that she would. He took it though. He wasn't sure if he took it because he gave into his own desperation or his own hope, but he thought that maybe Ema did love him still. Maybe that was possible. After all, if she said she'd gotten pregnant at school, he would still love her.

"Yes, absolutely," he agreed, leading the way into the park across the street as it was the one he was most familiar with. The paths wound around through a garden area and there was a gazebo with enough shrubbery and foliage to muffle conversation and to hide them from prying eyes, which was going to be extra necessary soon. When they arrived, Killian looked at Ema and at their joined hands. "You haven't left," he said, not sure whether it was a statement or a question. "Do you want to talk first, or see this first and then talk about all of it at once?" he asked.

22 Killian Row From me? 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 15, 2021 12:53 AM

With you by Ema Skies

Lorcan was not someone Ema wanted to see. Not in real life, not in memory. It had been hard enough to smile past the images of him and focus on the ones of Killian at his parents’ house. Lorcan talking to Killian about deeply personal, horrible subjects was even lower on her wish list. But if Killian needed to show it to her for some reason, then she had to see it. Perhaps it had been one moment where Lorcan had actually come through for him – one of the highlights of his attempts at brothering, and Killian wanted her to know that those had happened…

Sitting on a park bench, even surrounded by twisting floral walls, still felt a little exposed. The café was claustrophobic. The park was too open. Both still contained other people. But she could understand Killian not wanting to bring this into the four walls of their bedroom, which was really the only place that shut out the rest of the world, so she did her best to push down the itchy, scratchy feeling of other people looking at her, and to concentrate on him. She sat down, one leg curled onto the bench in a way that both kept her close to herself and angled her in closer to him, and kept her hand in his.

“No,” she stated, when he said she hadn’t left. She wanted to add ‘of course not’ but firstly there was the fact that that clearly wasn’t obvious or guaranteed to Killian. There was also more to show her, and more to tell her, and whilst she couldn’t imagine that she was going to want to leave, Killian’s paranoia could be pretty convincing. She was a sliding scale of sure-it’s-just-him-over-thinking-but… “It’s going to take quite a lot to convince me to give up on you,” she told him instead, her tone suggesting that this was a very terrible problem he had saddled himself with, as she gave his hand an affectionate squeeze.

“Talk,” she stated decisively. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see the memory at all, but she would if she had to, and she wasn’t sure why all of this was happening, and she needed to know that first. “You said you’re… not really over this?” she queried, “What does that mean? I appreciate you being open with me, and I don’t mean this aggressively,” she clarified, something she normally thought she wouldn’t have to but Killian was clearly on edge, primed for her to hate him, “But why are you telling me this? What does it affect for us?” She was pretty sure that ‘not over it’ was a pretty clear indicator of how it affected them, and how it was still part of the present, but she wanted to make sure she understood. “Is it Krissy?” she asked, knowing she probably shouldn’t throw random guesses into the ring, but feeling anxious and fidgety and wanting to fill up the silence with answers to make it make sense. “If you find awkward being around her, I can stay somewhere else…” She’d sort of been thinking that due to battling the incoming tide of baby things anyway. Her room had not been transformed yet, because Krissy both believed in not knowing the baby’s sex before it was born and also in aggressively gendering everything, which meant that it was in stalemate as a neutral canvas waiting to be splashed with pink or blue. But there was an increasing number of baby-related objects, most of which she’d been throwing a disillusionment charm over whenever Killian came over because getting it on with a mobile and a packed down crib in the corner had felt a little too on the nose even before she’d known this. But it wasn’t like baby stuff and baby news and baby talk were entirely escapable… And they wouldn’t be, even if she moved out. Bump was still going to become a person, and one who she was probably expected to spend a lot of time with. But moving out was a nice immediate fix to be able to put on the table. She was also aware that, as Killian’s seriously committed girlfriend, there were other ways in which his feelings about babies affected her. But it felt like a lot to go there as the first step.

13 Ema Skies With you 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 15, 2021 12:08 PM

You really mean it? by Killian Row

Killian let himself take a breath and he ran his free hand over his face and through his hair as Ema reassured him. As of now, she didn't plan to leave. She could still be convinced but so far, this hadn't done it. Right now, she wanted to get through this with him, not against him. He thought of all their private moments together and wondered a bit how he could have doubted her, except it wasn't really her he was doubting of course.

"Thank you," he said finally, notably relaxing into a somewhat slumped display of human where tension had propped him up before. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he didn't want her to feel like she had to say it back right now.

Ema wanted to talk - which was still better than leaving - so Killian steeled himself, ready for whatever she had to say or ask him. He was an open book at this point. Before he could answer her first questions, she asked about Krissy and Killian blinked, confused for a moment. His mind stuck on the fact that Ema was willing to stay elsewhere if it made him comfortable though, suggesting she was still willing to have him around. That was good. He smiled a little.

"No, Krissy is fine," he promised. "I'm happy for her. It means . . . I'm extra careful," he pointed out, guessing she'd noticed that although she was no slouch about protection either. "And it means I make a birthday cake every year. She was due in August and this year would be her twenty-first birthday. And I want you to know," he said with a shrug, feeling bad that he couldn't say anything more than that. "My classmate nd me weren't going to get married or anything like that, but I messed up and I wasn't careful and I was going to live with that. I didn't want to lose the baby," he said. "We don't keep in touch and she has her own life, there's no regrets there." That seemed like an important thing to reassure her of now that he was less sure she was going to walk out on him any moment. "It doesn't necessarily affect a lot for us, but I think of it a lot. I try not to because I mostly am just sure that I'm terrible . . . but I know it impacts my work. I just want to be there for other kids and to help them and to be kind to them. I feel like I have a lot to make up for I guess."

It sounded silly to his own ears as he talked, because Ema was right; this had all happened twenty years ago, so why was it still on his mind now? What did it matter? They weren't about to start discussing having kids anytime soon he didn't think, so it wasn't like he had to actively think about that (good thing because even putting words to it in his own head made him feel panicky), but he still felt the need to tell her . . . why?

"I think it is about the memory," he said. "Your mom saw it this year when everything was going on at Sonora . . . so she knows some of this too." He grimaced, searching Ema's face as he admitted that. "That's not why I'm telling you, I wanted to tell you anyway. I just didn't want to put more on your plate with everything going on. But . . . sometimes I think a lot about the fact that maybe Lorcan is right about me. Maybe it would be best for Bonabelle if I wasn't around. But I try to make up for that and make it not be true. That stuff puts it on my mind a lot," he explained. "I'm sorry, I feel like I'm not making much sense. I wish I had better answers for you."

22 Killian Row You really mean it? 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 15, 2021 7:10 PM

Absolutely, good human by Ema Skies

“You’re welcome,” Ema stated, when Killian thanked her. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was being thanked for and was pretty sure they weren’t done yet, but he was definitely welcome.

She sort of wanted to prop him up, or snuggle him, because he looked like he needed it, but being able to see each other’s faces was probably important right now, so she settled for placing her other hand on top of their already joined ones for further support.

She took deep, careful slow breaths, partly because she definitely needed to just listen until he was all done and not interrupt, and partly because she thought it might do him good to have a reminder of what that looked like. The point she came closest to breaking this resolution was when he said he was terrible, but she damped it down before it had turned into more than a squeak – it was a squeak with all the vocal tone of firm disagreement though.

“Bull----” was the first word she let herself say, in reaction to the comments about Lorcan, “Lorcan isn’t right about anything, ever,” she stated. “And Bonabelle thinks you’re- well, I’m pretty sure she thinks you’re ‘okay,’” she stated, doing her best at a dry British accent. She had wanted to say that Bonabelle thought he was amazing or good or wonderful, but she was also fairly sure she’d never heard anything that emphatic from her. “But she’s British. Ish?” she confirmed. She was aware that Bonabelle had grown up in England, but she was at least half Irish and Ema was always hesitant about classifying people anyway. “And a preteen, so I’m pretty sure that’s stellar praise. She’s lucky to have you, and she knows it, and everyone else who sees you knows it.

“It makes sense,” she assured him, “It’s the answer sometimes, maybe a lot of times, to ‘What’s up?’ or ‘What are you thinking about?’ or ‘Hey, you okay?’ and those are probably things I’m gonna be asking you a lot. I’m glad I’ll be getting an honest answer,” she assured him, giving his hands a squeeze.

“None of it makes you a bad person though. You know that right?” she checked. He had talked about how it made him want to be there for the kids in his care, and she was pretty sure he would have way more sympathy for any of them than he had for himself. He had, after all, said he was pretty sure he was terrible. She wasn’t going to say that he would respond to them with nothing but kindness and sympathy. She was pretty sure he would let them know it was serious, and also respond with pamphlets and protection. But sympathy would also be in there. “What you did was stupid, and a bad decision,” she stated, not sugar coating it but her voice was soft and gentle enough that it was clearly not intended to judge or to hurt. “But it doesn’t mean you’re those things. You’re good, and kind, and you deserve nice things and love. Please look me in the eye and tell me you know that?”

13 Ema Skies Absolutely, good human 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 15, 2021 9:37 PM

You're my favorite, you know that? by Killian Row

Killian pressed his lips together in a dry smile, amused despite himself at Ema's display of passion about Lorcan, and her defense of Bonabelle's affection for her okay uncle which was both sweet and probably about right.

"He's right about some things," he said of Lorcan, "but it's usually by accident. And yes, Bonabelle is British," he added, amused. At least, his niece was British by accent and habit, if not identity, although he was pretty sure she wasn't about to call herself one and the same with her Irish family members either.

Actually, that wasn't something he'd thought about much with her, and he realized now how badly he'd neglected her in doing so. She was British, sure, but she was Irish and Filipina too, and now here she was at a school in the United States a bit well known for its international student population. She had to be feeling a bit awash at times, and he'd never taken the time to address that. It was tempting to be hard on himself for being a poor show of a surrogate father to her, but he'd never meant to be a surrogate father to her and she didn't seem to want that anyway so he didn't exactly blame himself this time. Perhaps it was Ema's presence that made the difference. Also, Lorcan was terrible and Bonabelle's mess was his fault, not Killian's, even if Killian hadn't done his due diligence in helping alleviate some of it.

"Thank you," he repeated when he brought himself back to the present conversation since that was the important bit and Ema was being kind. In fact, she was being far kinder than he had dared hope she be.

When she put to words what he was trying to say, it didn't sound so bad. It sounded okay, like when sometimes the students he worked with had a hard time focusing just because stuff at home was hard, even though they weren't at home. That stuff didn't go away just because it was behind you and Killian understood that thoroughly, even if he rarely gave himself the same grace he gave his students. What he gave outwards in abundance, he rarely turned inwards; for a long time, he'd thought that perhaps focusing outside of himself could fix the inside of himself, but that didn't seem to be necessarily true.

"I want to be honest with you," he said seriously. "I want you to know exactly what you're getting before you take me on any adventures and I'm sorry I didn't tell you before . . . some of our other adventures," he said, conscious again of the fact that they were technically in public and also because it felt weird to say it differently in this context, although a faint blush gave away his meaning, he was sure. "And I want to be able to say that it's never on my mind but I can't say that honestly, so I wanted to tell you. And you haven't run away yet," he repeated again, feeling warm and safe. "Which is really super amazing. And in case I haven't said it recently, I love you so much."

Lying to Ema, it turned out, was really hard, and he squirmed a little more obviously than he was pleased with when she told him he wasn't a bad person and that she wanted to know he knew that. The hardest part to accept wasn't that he'd messed up but wasn't a mess up even, it was that he deserved love. Somehow, telling his girlfriend who professed to love him that he didn't deserve love felt a bit like telling her she was wrong, which he tried to avoid doing unless he was for sure that she was. He could even accept that he was good and kind maybe because those were just facts about his behavior and he did make every effort to be good and kind now so he had to hope it paid off at least sometimes. But he deserved love? Why?

Why did anyone? Lorcan didn't deserve love in any real sense but he still got it, Killian knew. Jean-Loup and Bonabelle deserved love and didn't always get it. Perhaps Killian was somewhere in the middle, where he hadn't really gotten a lot of it over the years and also he didn't deserve it much, so he was getting exactly the right amount. Except now someone did love him, so that didn't seem right. Which way did that imbalance go? He was getting more than he deserved, or he deserved more than he'd thought?

He looked her in the eyes. "I . . . I know that . . . I . . . " He sighed. "I think you need to see this memory now. It's . . . not fun," he grimaced apologetically. He had thought a lot about what he'd do if Ema had a memory like this to show him and he thought he'd probably go full caveman on the concept of memories and do his best to smash the 'mist' to bits before ripping his hair out when it didn't work. But if Ema needed to show it to him? If he needed to understand? "Are you ready?" he asked, continuing only when she consented.

As he uncorked the vial and let the silvery contents spill out, forming into a much younger version of Lorcan, Killian wondered a bit at why he was doing this. Why did he need to show Ema? What did he need her to understand? Except that he was certain he needed her to understand something and it was until just a moment before contained within this vial in his pocket. He thought maybe he needed her to understand that the voice in his head that answered her question for him wasn't his own.

He edged Ema a bit over as the memory formed and began so that she wouldn't be in the direct line of attack from Lorcan and thus would not be seeing the whole thing from younger Killian's view because that seemed a bit too traumatic, and then let the whole thing play out, not stopping where Selina had, because the part that he hadn't watched with his employer was the part that he needed, somehow, for Ema to understand. When it was done and the memory had returned to the vial, Killian was quiet, giving Ema whatever space she needed to react and knowing she would likely have questions to formulate.

OOC: Ema's consent to watch the memory approved by her author.

22 Killian Row You're my favorite, you know that? 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 16, 2021 7:04 AM

You're mine, and I would like you to be safe please by Ema Skies

“Kil, context check – until a few weeks ago, we weren’t mostly in the same country at the same time. Like, when would you have brought it up before now? It went Lake House, week with your parents, hospital, date night. And I can see why none of those felt like a good time to talk about this. It’s not something that affects any of the decisions I’ve made. I mean, I can see how hypothetically it might – for someone. But… this is soon enough. This is the right timing,” she assured him.

“Nope,” she concurred, when he reiterated that she hadn’t run away. Should she be more freaked out? She didn’t think she should be. Honestly, the bit that weirded her out the most was the thought that Killian had been doing it when he was fifteen. Which, she was aware was maybe not totally surprising and also not exactly the focus of the story. They were just very different people when it came to That, and whilst she was very aware of that, and whilst it had weirdly seemed not to matter so far, it did sort of make her panicky and uncomfortable when that fact had cause to be shoved in her face. But that was a Her Thing, and it wasn’t important right now.

“I love you too,” she promised. “Also so, so much.”

He hesitated a lot over saying he deserved that. It seemed like it wasn’t very easy, and that was something they were definitely going to have to practise.

She scrunched up her face as he pulled Lorcan out of his pocket. She drew her own wand, palming the vial and giving it a couple of taps to make any passing Muggles see something that they would find more acceptable or unremarkable, and then passed it back with a nod, even though she really didn’t think she wanted to see. Killian wanted her to. Or needed her too.

At first, it didn’t start out too badly, and she wondered whether her hypothesis had been right that it was one of the better moments and- it was not. Her face fell into a frown at Lorcan’s insult. She blinked, clearly surprised and startled by the sudden jerk of his head, but her composure didn’t break. Not until he jumped. Landing. Hitting. Taunting. She wanted it to stop. She wouldn’t ask Killian to make it, because he had asked her to look, so she did. She watched each blow land, her face growing whiter, and her lips moving in silent search for a word or a protest that she was allowed to make.

It ended. It went away. And she was pretty sure Killian was looking for a reaction from her, and what he could probably see was that she looked like she was trying (and failing) not to cry.

“I feel sick,” she stated. “Not like I’m gonna be sick,” she clarified, because that always freaked her out when people said that. Like, she could deal with vomit, but no one liked dealing with vomit, and she just needed to know if that was a thing she needed to worry about. “Just… yucky inside.” That was how Lorcan made a person feel. That was how Killian had been made to feel, probably more than just that one time. Clearly, more than just that one time, because Killian had internalised some of the toxic crap that Lorcan had spouted, and that thing those horrible, venomous thoughts weren’t Killian’s at all but were nasty little wormy things that his disease of a brother had stuck in his brain.

Of course it was Lorcan’s ****ing fault..

She was pretty sure Killian was going to start trying to scoop her and cuddle her and comfort her and that wasn’t allowed because he was the one who had been through that. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close, trying to make all the scary feelings go away. She wanted him to promise that he would never, ever speak to Lorcan again. But that wasn’t her call to make. If Bonabelle begged him to go looking, to intervene… She couldn’t take that away. She couldn’t put Killian in the middle, being pulled between what the two of them wanted. She had less of a say than everyone else.

“I don’t like him!” she said emphatically, pouring every ounce of venom, all the things she wanted to demand and have promised and be angry about but couldn’t, into the stupid childish words so that they rang out with firm, fierce truth. But she couldn’t keep being fierce. She let her tears start spilling down her cheeks and onto Killian’s neck, and if he wanted to swap and hold onto her for a bit she wasn’t going to stop him.

13 Ema Skies You're mine, and I would like you to be safe please 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 16, 2021 10:25 AM

I am safe, I think. by Killian Row

Killian bit off another thank you in case he was wearing those out and instead just smiled a little at Ema with all the gratitude and adoration showing that he could. And she hadn't run away and she loved him too and all of this was just . . . so much better than he had hoped. He really wasn't used to the idea that people could love him like this and it felt so good and perfect, even when it wasn't perfect. Even when he had to tell her about things he didn't like to tell her about.

It was weird watching his memory again. It had been weird in Selina's office but they hadn't watched it all the way through then and it felt different now, in this context. He wondered if there was a masochistic streak in him that made him want to watch it again and again or if it was just the fact that it was his. His memory, his brother, his mistake, his fist that landed first . . . it felt like he should watch it, relive it, and experience it all over again and again. He thought of Katey, asking him to keep her memory because she couldn't bear to have it destroyed but couldn't stop watching it and destroying herself with it either, and thought he understood then. At some point soon, he would make sure the memory in the vial was destroyed, even if he couldn't do the same with the contents of his own head. It was for the best that he didn't watch this anymore.

"I'm sorry," Killian murmured when Ema spoke. "For needing you to watch it and for it happening at all," he clarified, because specifics were good. He thought it probably went without saying that he felt yucky inside too, but he couldn't help also feeling lighter somehow for finally sharing this with someone on purpose. Selina had seen it - and possibly other people? He hadn't actually asked if she'd seen it alone - but he'd never shown anyone else or told anyone. His parents certainly knew their sons didn't always get on but it wasn't like Killian had run to tell them about this particular incident. Now, for the first time, he didn't have to be the only one who knew and it was of his own volition.

Before he could wrap his arms around her to comfort her for her yucky feelings, she was doing that for him instead. It was odd but it felt right too. He let himself melt a little bit against her, not in the soppy, I-want-to-kiss-your-face-off way, but in the sort of way that made him think maybe he wasn't just a hard block of stone all on his own. It was good to feel warm enough to melt.

He wasn't the only one though and he nodded his agreement when Ema said she didn't like Lorcan. When he felt and heard her crying, he switched his arms around so he was the bigger one again, pulling her close and rocking her a little bit. Rocking both of them. He kissed her hair, resisting the urge to offer warm shushing sounds both because Ema was not a child and because he was pretty sure that if he overemphasized how much he was trying to help care for her, she might just turn it back on him again.

"I can't promise he'll never be around if you come to Ireland, but he hasn't been more than once or twice for decades. But I want you to know you're safe. He won't ever be like that to you. I won't let that happen. Or to Bonabelle," he added, his voice turning icy and dangerous at the thought of his brother ever hurting his niece. He didn't like to think about what he'd do if either Ema or Bonabelle ever came to harm because of Lorcan. "I don't like him either," he added more softly, pressing his cheek into Ema's hair and closing his eyes against the feeling of finality that stuck to his brother's name in his mind.

22 Killian Row I am safe, I think. 1450 0 5

Ema Skies

February 17, 2021 6:39 AM

I'm gonna need more than that by Ema Skies

“I’m not upset because of you, I am upset because of him,” Ema stated. Killian was not apologising for any part of this. Killian had not made her feel shaky with anger or tearful or any of the rest of it. “I’m glad you’re showing me so that if I ever see him, I know exactly how big a piece of my mind he should have to choke on.”

She let Killian pull her in, resting her head on his chest, hearing his heart (it sounded stressed) and trying to breathe his smell but her nose was all stuffy. She didn’t let herself be totally contained though, she didn’t want to fold up all small. She wanted his comfort, but she still wanted to comfort him too, and she slid her arms around his back, stroking up and down to sooth the tears that she was crying. It was confusing. It had happened to Killian, but that had been long enough ago that it hurt the way an old wound did. But it had only just happened for her.

“What about you?” she asked, when he promised Loran was never going to get a chance to hurt her the way he’d hurt Killian. It was, she supposed, a good thing to know but it really hadn’t been the one that was at the front of her mind. “I know you probably can’t promise a lot of things, when someone so unpredictable is involved and given that what other people want, especially Bonabelle, is going to come into play. So, I’m not asking you to promise anything that you can’t promise – I’d rather you tell me that than end up in the middle,” she prefaced her questions, before choosing her words carefully. “As things stand, are you going to look for him again?” she thought he had said that door closed, but she wanted to be certain. “Are you likely to be alone with him? How do I know you’re safe?” she asked.

13 Ema Skies I'm gonna need more than that 0 Ema Skies 0 5

Killian Row

February 18, 2021 2:51 PM

You have all of me . . . that's all I can offer. by Killian Row

Killian nodded, understanding Ema's anger and also finding it very sweet and cute and attractive. It was not the right moment to point out how beautiful she was in her fury and depth of feelings, he suspected, so he didn't. Instead, he merely indulged himself another moment in being the subject of her concern. It was like he was hugging the sensation of a perfect cup of tea.

"I can't promise I won't see him," he agreed, his voice coming out tired from wishing the same thing out loud to himself in mutters he kept to his office and private rooms. "But he hasn't done anything like that for a very long time," he added, hoping to put some contextual distance to what he knew was now recent to her. "I hadn't seen him for ten years when I found out about Bonabelle, right before she came here, and I've only seen him a handful of times since and he hasn't done anything like that. I think I can guarantee a fair amount of safety for myself as well," he promised. It felt odd to reassure someone else that he'd be safe, other than his own mother who always worried (and sometimes even rightly so), simply because it felt so odd to have someone care that much. He supposed others did too; he doubted Selina or Katey would be happy to find out he'd come to any harm too. It was different in this case, though and that difference felt good. "I'm not likely to be alone with him, if I do see him, it would be around family. And I don't intend to ever see him again if I can avoid it, let alone go after him."

It didn't feel right to say that and he realized a moment after he'd done so that it was because he hadn't before. He hadn't admitted to himself yet that he was done with his brother, well and truly done, let alone to anyone else. And now he was, not for himself but for someone else. He cared enough about Bonabelle to see Lorcan again and he cared enough about Ema to avoid him. He cared enough about them both to do everything in his power to keep Lorcan away at this point, although he knew he couldn't guarantee that for any of them.

"No," he repeated in a murmur, tasting the shape of the words as they came out this time. "I don't plan to see my brother again."

22 Killian Row You have all of me . . . that's all I can offer. 1450 0 5