Bonabelle Row
January 22, 2021 9:26 PM
Send help. [Jean-Loup] by Bonabelle Row
Bonabelle had exchanged letters a few times with Jean-Loup but not anything consistent enough for either of them to be expecting replies at any moment. It was more like Christmas cards, birthday cards, and notes to announce big happenings or say hi. Of course, since nothing ever happened to Bonabelle that she wanted to talk about, it was mostly just to say hi. Now, however, she did want to talk. Or rather, she wanted to know. Knowing didn't usually involve talking in her experience, but it did often involve asking, even if the only object of the asking was a book. In this case, it was almost easy to convince herself that she was only asking a piece of paper and the ink she wrote on it was just the first step towards knowing, but she knew that wasn't entirely true. Sure, the ink was the first step, but it was a person who would be answering, and she may not ever get to do any knowing.This was the problem with feelings.
Dearest Jean-Loup,
Bonjour. I hope you are doing very well and that your studies are going well too. I know you'll be an amazing healer, so don't you dare go forgetting that yourself!
I wanted to write to you for selfish reasons, though. Uncle Killian has been dating a woman who is all nice and lovely, and my friend Valentine is dating a boy who's okay, but I don't know what I want. Do I have to date someone? Val says I don't have to do anything like that if I don't want too, and Uncle Killian tried to talk to me about adult things and explain that it's okay if I don't want to date anyone or if I just don't want to date boys or don't want to date girls, but what if I don't know? How did you know you wanted to date a boy?
Val is my best friend, and I don't know what it feels like to want to date someone. What's the difference between wanting to date someone and someone being your best friend? How are you supposed to go and find someone to date at all that way? People say you should date your best friend because it'll make you the happiest, but what if that's not true? Maybe I just never want to date anyone.
Uncle Killian says I shouldn't write off dating - I shouldn't be unwilling to date anyone at all ever - just because my parents have made it look bad. I know he's right, and I know he and his girlfriend are happy, but I still worry. What if I'm just like my mom? Or my dad? I don't know what to think and I don't know when I have to decide. He says I don't have to decide for a long time if I don't want to but if my classmates are already dating . . . I feel like I am going to be left behind and I don't know what to do.
I hope this letter does not add too much to your workload. Please take your time and don't feel pressure to reply.
All my love,
Bonabelle
22
Bonabelle Row
Send help. [Jean-Loup]
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Jean Wolfe
January 27, 2021 6:55 AM
Quick, find a competent adult! by Jean Wolfe
The pounding, it turned out, was external to his head. At least partially. There was an owl tapping impatiently at the window. Jean(-Loup?) dragged himself out of bed, letting it in. He recognised Bonabelle's handwriting as he untied the letter, feeling a pang of guilt over the state in which he was receiving it. He placed it on the pile of boxes which functioned as his desk, trying to ignore the unopened letter in Killian's writing because that made him feel even worse.It was tempting to crawl back into the warm embrace of his covers, even if they did smell like stale sweat, and to pull them over his head and keep pretending that the world did not exist. Except the twisting feeling of guilt would come back there with him. He dragged himself through showering, brushed the taste of last night out of his mouth, and made himself a coffee.
The letter was worse than he had thought possible. He was used to short, friendly notes from Bonabelle to keep up their friendship. This was different. She was writing to him in the role of competent adult and advisor. Had he really earnt those? If he had, he wasn't sure he could continue to claim them now. He stared at her letter, mentally swearing, his brain stuck on a loop of panicking that he now needed to be something he had no idea how to be.
Composing a reply took several days. Several head-clearing runs. Several drafts.
At first, he was fairly sure that anything Killian hadn’t been able to help with, he was going to be no better at. Although Bonabelle’s dilemma was that she didn’t think she wanted a relationship with anyone, which Jean-Loup had to admit was probably pretty unfamiliar territory to her uncle…It wasn’t something Jean-Loup exactly knew about either. He had been deeply aware that he liked boys (another question Bonabelle had raised and which he had no idea how to answer appropriately) but he did know about being stuck on the sidelines, or trying to force yourself to fit in when you were afraid that you didn’t.
He was still fairly sure that everything he had said was utterly stupid, but when he had tried without any detail it had just sounded bland and generic, and not very reassuring. He knew there was other evidence such as brain maturation lasting all through puberty and sort of even beyond it, and the onset of puberty being different for everyone. However, whilst he was getting used to the fact that he would have to discuss human bodies in detail in a medical setting, it was very different to bring it up in a personal letter to a young lady, and he had steered well clear of that too. And so he had arrived at this. This utter ‘hot mess’ (this was a phrase that he had recently learnt and which seemed to often describe his life, though he was frequently in doubt as to whether the ‘hot’ modifier had been achieved) of a letter. It was probably the worst thing ever written. And he was going to have to mail it because all he’d ever promised was that he would try his best. He wished it had been possible for that to be good enough.
Ma Chère Bonabelle,
Thank you for your letter. My studies are hard (to become a healer is complicate, who knew?) so it is nice to have some support. I hope yours go well too, and also that you had a good Christmas break.
That was the easy part.
I think I will not have many good advices, and probably that your uncle is right in what he tells you already. But I promised that I would always try if you needed an okay adult, so here goes. You will please ignore it if you are already more clever than me.
The one that I recognize is dating people so that you will not feel different, or because of scared. I do not recommend. It makes for very bad feelings.
For liking boys, it is just something I know. I think many people say this about feelings. It is not very good describing or helpful but it is hard to explain.
I think you are not the only alone one. Happy people will tell you about it. This can make them seem like they are everywhere, and everyone because it is the only feeling you hear about. People are quiet with their sadness and their worried.
Recently we are learning bell curves. Bell curves are a way to know when different is a problem. Many numbers make the bell shape (see the other paper). Most people are in the middle because this is average, but you can be either side of the average and still be normal. This is where someone did much math and made many headaches, but in the end, the bell curve is divide into sections. If you are in the section beside the middle, you are within average. After half way in the next section, you are not average. Medicine will maybe say you have a problem, but this is not always true. I include a copy of my homework, with marking the heights of my Queerditch Team (no, this is not spelling mistake). You can see our Seeker. They (they are just one person but we must call 'they,' your uncle probably can explain if you do not know this) are not just small but Medically Small. But they do not mind. Being very small is good for Seeking.
The bell curve works best for number facts. Maybe there is average age for first crushing. Maybe your friend is more than average early. Maybe you will be more than average late. Maybe you are both in the average, because the average still has many numbers. Even if you are more than 1.5 standard deviation from the mean, you can be happy.
I think you are not like your parents. If you make the world be two groups ('relationship' and 'no relationship') you will have many in each. Some will be agreeable to you and some not. I come from magical family, but I think I am not like them any more (I learn that saying 'Pureblood' sounds bad). For homework, find five historical people who commit terrible deeds while happy married? Then you will see there is not one all good group and be glad also not to have their company.
You are probably normal, except for all the ways you are exceptional. Even if you won't be normal, I will still like you. (I don't know if this is okay to say. I think 'normal' can be a difficult and hurting word, but I am try to think what small me would liked to had heared and it is this).
Sorry. This is probably the most terrible letter ever writed. I am not good at feelings. But you can write again if you have more and if I did not offput you.
Lots of love,
Jean-Loup
P.S. If Killian notice that Choux does bring you a letter, please tell him I am sorry and he will get replied soon – I am sure he understand that you are more important.
P.P.S You like the girlfriend? Do we trust?
13
Jean Wolfe
Quick, find a competent adult!
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Bonabelle Row
January 30, 2021 10:54 PM
Well, you told me to do it. by Bonabelle Row
Bonabelle received Jean-Loup's letter back and wasn't exactly sure how to feel about it. She thought of Valentine's advice that sometimes you could feel lots of things all at once, even good things and bad things. So naturally, she went to her uncle.When she finally did put quill to paper to work on a reply, she found that she maybe had more to say than she expected, not necessarily in length so much as honesty. Honesty in the realm of feelings was hard and she didn't really like it much but she was beginning to understand that it was important anyway. There were two pieces of paper in this envelope, folded together to accommodate the contents.
Dear JL,
You are very clever and don't you go thinking otherwise. I'll accept that you are only sort of an adult, but that's alright. I think I don't know any real adults that are all the way okay, so I like you best. (Don't tell my uncle I said that, although I don't think he'd be surprised).
I am glad to know that I don't have to date if I don't want to. That makes it a bit less awful sounding. Someday, I hope that I also just know something like you know that you like boys. I think just knowing would be easier than trying to figure everything out all the time and not really being very sure.
Are you quiet with your sadness and worried? I am a good listener/reader and terrible with advice so I can promise not to offer any, and to just listen/read.
I like this idea of a Bell Curve. It is nice knowing that there are numbers and facts and things to explain things that don't feel like they make any sense at all. Valentine says that feelings don't always make sense and that's okay, but I think that makes them very not okay and I would much prefer they did make sense. To they make more sense as you get older and get more used to having them? Or do they stay confusing? I think I spend most of my time confused these days and I don't like it much. It is also good to know you are playing Quidditch again and that you are meeting people who are good and nice and maybe make you feel safe. Uncle Row explained what 'queer' means but I wasn't sure if I should use the word or not, and he didn't really answer, so I won't except right there because I was quoting you. That's okay, right?
See? Even words are hard, it's not just feelings!
I'm glad that you're learning so much. You are very helpful and I think you're very clever, for what it's worth. What you said about relationships makes me think about your Seeker - maybe I am a 'they' about relationships, not one or the other, just the middle. But I am not sure if that is the right way to understand 'they' either, I only know a little about it.
I think you are also exceptional. You have always seemed unsure of that, but don't forget that you're loved. I'm not good at feelings either but I do like writing letters with you. Thank you for caring about me because sometimes I think that not many people could. I'm glad you're one of the exceptions.
All my love,
Bonabelle
The letter extended onto the second sheet, but only a little bit and nothing that Bonabelle wouldn't want her uncle to see was written there because she'd given it to him to include his own reply. In the distinct handwriting of Sonora's guidance counselor, a second reply said:
Jean-Loup,
You're one of my favorite humans. Since you have not been replying to me, but you did reply to Bonabelle, and since you said something to Bonabelle that made her worry (she won't tell me what and she won't show me your letter, which is fine), then all I can do is assume the very worst. I've got weekends off and I've done all my work, so I'll be coming to Canada the second weekend of next month and I'm going to bring you bread and maybe even a vegetable. I don't think I can bring you Bonabelle, sorry.
It's okay if you're a mess; I'm a mess too.
Looking forward to seeing you.
Love,
Killian
Finally, another small section was written in Bonabelle's handwriting.
I want to be sorry about that but I don't think I can be. Uncle Killian is good for you and you're good for him. Have lots of fun when he comes to visit!
And yes, I think we like the girlfriend. She seems nice and not too stuffy. She has weird colors in her hair and she makes Uncle Killian get a stupid look on his face sometimes and look all smart and thoughtful other times, so I think that's good. Trust is harder than liking, but I don't distrust her yet.
Yours,
Bonabelle
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Bonabelle Row
Well, you told me to do it.
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Jean Wolfe
February 01, 2021 6:47 AM
That was sneaky by Jean Wolfe
Choux made a single trip, but two distinct deliveries. The first to Killian’s office, the second to the Aladren Common Room. Each letter was addressed simply with a name on the front, although the first one when opened would reveal further specifics about its intended audience.Killian ONLY,
I’m sorry. I did not want to make Bonabelle worried. I am try to think what I said to do this. I know that I should not worry her. She is small and has too much worry by herself. I will try to not do again. I apologise.
You don’t have to come. I’m okay. I was ill during Christmas, and it makes many useless days. Now there is much to catch up. I want to reply Bonabelle first because she wants help, whereas you just want news, and she seems more important but now I made you both have bad feelings. I’m sorry. I do not mean to neglect you, and your friendship is very important. You are a favourite human too.
If you would wish to come, that will be nice. But I think you are coming because I upsetted you and I did not mean to. Also, at weekends I have work and training. I can try to break, but I don’t know. I do not wish to make the feeling that I do not want to see you but I want not to inconvenience for you, or that you will come and that I cannot do proper duty as a host.
What does ‘assume the worst’ mean? I know the words by themselves, but was does it mean to say about me?
Also, why you are a mess?? Is something bad happen for you also???
I am deeply sorry for letting you down and for worry to Bonabelle. Please do not allow me to make further inconvenience for you.
Jean-Loup.
*
Chère Bonabelle,
Merci pour sa lettre. I am happy to know that my letter is helpful to you. Killian says it also makes you a little worried for me. Do not, I am okay. I had sick, and I have much work. I think this is what adult is, even though I am only training for being adult. I am very sorry for giving you such worry. What did I say wrong?
Bell curve are nice. I like too when someone can explain very clearly. I will let you know about feelings when I am all the way grown up. I am still not sure.
Words are hard, especially English ones, and also queer ones. I have many words to learn lately. How you said it is okay to me, and also in the name ‘Queerditch’ is okay because this is the name of the league.
I like writing with you too, if I do it okay.
With love,
Jean-Loup
13
Jean Wolfe
That was sneaky
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Killian Row
February 06, 2021 9:17 PM
I did what needed to be done. by Killian Row
Dear Jean-Loup,You did not do anything wrong to make our small girl worry. She cares and was only worried to hear that you hadn't responded to me. I think she thinks I'm persistent or something and that avoiding me was on purpose or something. Weird.
I'm sorry to hear you were sick! If you're up for it, I would love to visit. It would be nice to see you and I don't mind if you have work and things too. I can bring some stuff to work on too. I will be coming because I miss my dear friend, not just because I am worried. It is my job to worry about people though, so there's a little of that too probably. That may answer your question too: in this case, me assuming the worst means that I worry you're not replying because something is wrong or something bad is happening.
You asked whether something bad is happening for me also, which makes me think maybe that's right? I'll bring extra bread.
I am only as much a mess as ever for the most part. I told you already that I found Lorcan over the summer, but it brought up some stuff that has been hard to deal with. I'd love to talk to you more about that when I see you. If it really is easier, we can wait until summer and make plans to visit then?
You never have been an inconvenience for me. You're a dear friend and I would want nothing more than to be there for you.
Killian
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Killian Row
I did what needed to be done.
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Bonabelle Row
February 06, 2021 9:26 PM
We love you. by Bonabelle Row
Dear Jean-Loup,Uncle Killian says he might come visit you soon. Can I come too?
I don't know if I want to train to be an adult. Both the training and the being an adult look hard and being a kid is already hard enough. I'm glad I can get older and be an adult in training without having to figure out feelings all the way.
That makes a lot of sense about words and 'Queerditch'. English is my first language and I still sometimes wonder how well I really know it. There are a lot of kids at school that are like you (they are boys who like boys or girls who like girls) and there are some kids that aren't boys or girls at all I don't think, and then there's me and I just don't know what to think and I don't know if that makes me more like them or less like them. I think I'd like to fit in but if fitting in means being something I'm not, I don't know if I want that either.
I like books the best. They make the most sense, even when they're about confusing stuff. I wish I were like you and liked helping people more because then maybe I could be a healer too. I think you are a good person for wanting to be a healer and sometimes I think maybe I could do it, but I don't think I really could. I know some of my classmates want to be healers though. I don't think I could do what Uncle Killian does either though. Everyone I like is nice and helps people but I don't think I am like that and so I don't know why they like me.
Feelings are hard.
Love,
Bonabelle
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Bonabelle Row
We love you.
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Jean Wolfe
February 16, 2021 5:50 PM
At least someone does by Jean Wolfe
It was a joint letter again that winged its way back to Sonora. There were points in Bonabelle's letter which he felt he should answer, and which this did not, but he wanted to explain things properly. It was, he knew, necessary, like leeching the poison from a wound - a painful process, but one that would leave him feeling better - but still a process he only wanted to go through once.Dear Killian and Bonabelle,
Personally, I feel that the summer will be better (or both?). Bonabelle can come also, and I will have more time. Many more time - most people will away in the summer, and many usual activity will stop. That was one of the reasons why Christmas had been so hard. He had gone from juggling so many responsibilities that his head was spinning to falling off a cliff into near nothingness. But he didn't want to heap that guilt on them. If this is not too difficult for you - I know you will have many place to go and people to see. I also do not stop Killian if he will want to come now instead/as well.
I enclose a medical report to explain my recent problems and help you decide.
Condition: Broken heart
Onset: November 15th (acute and unexplained)
Ongoing symptoms: in line with typical presentation of this condition - fits of malaise, melancholy etc (lessening but still present)
Known aggrovators of symptoms: associations with cause of broken heart (initially even slight or tangential, though this has lessened), all things happy and romantic (patient is aware this is irrational and unbecoming - does not wish misery upon others but struggling to process and respond to their happiness. As with many condition, the body responds overmuch in fighting off the illness).
Primary treating physicians: UV Queerditch team (unqualified in conventional medicine but well versed in this condition). Patient has also attempted some self-cures.
Attempted cures: ice cream, cuddles, swearing revenge (treating physicians - suggestion refused by patient), sympathy and tough love, applied as needed. By patient, throwing self into fitness regime, utterly neglecting fitness regime. Certain treatments are effective on symptoms but not on underlying condition, which will only respond to time. Insufficent dose applied so far. He had also tried getting way too drunk way too often, and rebound guys. But he thought that he was allowed a little self-censorship both to preserve his own dignity and because of his audience, especially Bonabelle.
Prognosis: Treating physicians remain confident that patient will make a full recovery, given enough time. Patient is unconvinced but starts to recognise that this feeling maybe is a symptom.
End report.
I hope you feel I did not lie. I did not intend it. I just wanted to be able to write and start explaining but I wasn't sure how else to say without saying all. Thank you both for your caring - you are both much good at it.
Jean-Loup.
13
Jean Wolfe
At least someone does
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