Dorian Montoir
October 27, 2019 4:37 PM
Two hearts, one seal by Dorian Montoir
Dorian needed grounding. Normally, it was Professor Brooding who provided that, but this time it was her who had set him adrift.He turned the handle, entering the room that soothed his senses. The times he spent here with Jehan could be a little… tense for him sometimes these days. The set up of their MARS room had only varied in terms of the selection of records. Everything else about it had stayed the same since first year. This included the size of the couch which, whilst it had been a perfectly reasonably fit for two first year boys to sit, legs bent, toe to toe, or leaning into each other, was rapidly becoming rather cosy however they arranged themselves, unless they sat perfectly upright. Dorian usually tried to get comfortable, back against the arm, propping a book on his lap, as he had done so many times before, but he was conscious when he did that of the degree to which his and Jehan’s legs were forced to overlap, and that the boy he loved so madly and hopelessly occasionally had his toes digging into Dorian’s thigh… Dorian sometimes wondered why MARS did not accommodate the fact that they had grown over the last four years. Although, as the room was merely a projection of what he wanted it to be, perhaps it wasn’t the MARS room that needed to answer that question. He was perhaps lucky that it hadn’t seen fit to condense the furniture down into a single seater armchair and force them into each other’s laps. Still, in spite of this occasional struggle, it was still a sanctuary. It was the first place he had ever felt truly calm and accepted. And, he supposed, loved. Even if it wasn't in the way he wanted.
He had also spent so many hours here inside his own head, inventing all the ways he would declare his feelings, or Jehan would surprise him by declaring his - Jehan, after all, had always been so much braver and more open than he had, ready to dive right in - which suggested, of course, that as he hadn't- but Dorian was trying not to think those kinds of things right now. He was trying to feel calm and comfortable, and to believe in the best.
Maybe soulmates only happened if you believed. That was why not everyone's love was like that. That accounted neatly for horrible people too. In some ways, that was reassuring. It allowed space for him and Professor Brooding to both be right, and he hated the thought of them disagreeing about anything. Dorian was not good at disagreement, which to him meant anger and dislike. It was alarming though, in that it placed it to a degree back under his control. It was something he had but which he could cause to break. He could be undeserving. He supposed, when he examined it like that, it was the most logical way. It just scared him to think he could fail, when this mattered so much to him. Was that enough to make sure it didn’t? All he’d wanted was some reassurance that, lonely as he had been in the past, there was going to be some kind of trade off for that. That one day, he would have someone who loved him completely.
He put a record on, noticing that the room had picked a selection of very romantic songs in a mixture of all his languages. He sat down in front of the record player in its little pale green wooden cabinet, leaning back against it. It felt solid and real. He was aware of the irony in grounding himself in this room which had sprung from his imagination and was as fragile as his continuing will for it to exist. But nonetheless, he could feel it, the hard firm surface against his back. The rug was out of reach, but he knew how that would feel too, the soft wooly surface that he could trace little lines in as he pushed with or against the pile. He could kick off his shoes and just reach it with his feet but he wasn't in a sprawling mood. He drew his knees into his chest instead, his face contemplative and grave.
For the last year, he had channeled what he was feeling into conversations with his Professor. Because she had been telling him what he wanted to hear. You’re okay now, and you’ll be alright in the end. You love who you love, and that’s not something that needs fixing. You are loved now and will always have someone who is there for you. She couldn’t, however, give him every reassurance that he really needed. And he had been so unwilling for so long to nail his colours to the mast in case it all went wrong, and because some days it was impossible to believe it wasn’t going to. There was still that voice instead that said every time this had come close to coming up, Jehan had shut him down, and wasn’t that an answer? He was doing his best to ignore it. Because no, it wasn’t. And nor was anything Professor Brooding said. And so he waited, for the person whose opinion mattered more than Professor Brooding's, with the question on his lips... What exactly do you believe about soulmates?
Because I am convinced you’re mine.
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Dorian Montoir
Two hearts, one seal
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Dorian Montoir
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