Dorian and Jehan
September 24, 2018 10:12 AM
Back to Normal by Dorian and Jehan
[OOC - cowritten]It was the first Saturday after Jehan and Dorian had, theoretically, patched things up. And that meant MARS time. Dorian made sure to be on time because he didn’t want to be late and make Jehan think he wasn’t going to show up, but he had been wary of showing up first, having to take responsibility for shaping the room… As it was, they arrived at almost the same time. Dorian eyed the door nervously, unable to keep the image of the mess he’d made last time out of his mind, wondering what would happen if he couldn’t focus…
“After you?” he suggested to Jehan, eyeing the door as if it might bite.
Jehan hadn’t been sure about continuing their MARS sessions, but the agreement had been to continue as normal so he supposed he couldn't back out. It wasn’t that he disliked being in the MARS room with Dorian - some of his happiest memories had been created there - but, these days, it seemed to be a catalyst for disaster. One-on-one time with Dorian was apparently full of pitfalls and potential misunderstandings. He almost hated Dorian for it, but at the same time, the other boy’s eager and innocent nature was just so cute that he wouldn’t want Dorian to ever change. Even if it kept giving him unwanted feelings. He just had to ignore any accidentally suggestive things that Dorian said, in the interest of making his best friend happy.
And so, armed with such good intentions, Jehan took pole position and strode into the MARS room, relieved to see it set itself up to look just the same as ever. He had an ally in this normality business.
Dorian followed Jehan into the room, glancing around, taking in the familiar furnishings. And some of the tension he’d obviously been feeling visibly left him, though he still seemed nervous and confused. He searched for something to say. Thanks, perhaps. Or to express the relief that it wasn’t all broken… But he was he even meant to be acknowledging the incident? And the one thing that might not be the same was the most important one, because he wasn’t sure how Jehan was going to act around him now.
Once inside the room, Jehan headed straight for the sofa, wanting to curl up with a book in the hopes that such a normal action would restore the usual atmosphere of peace and relaxation that was usually to be found when the two were together. Their usual hug of greeting had already been circumvented, which was probably a good thing, as much as Jehan missed it. He wasn’t sure if Dorian would be comfortable with such contact anymore. If Dorian did regret the almost-kiss, which seemed to be the case, it was probably best not to initiate hugs, at least for now.
“What are you reading today?” asked Jehan, feeling he couldn’t just start his book without acknowledging Dorian inside the room.
They were really pretending that it hadn’t happened then. Dorian didn’t like that as a solution, not in the slightest. They talked about what they thought and felt. Jehan was the person he confided in… And they hugged. It had not gone unnoticed that Jehan had skipped over that and headed straight for the sofa. Jehan had said ‘back to normal’ but clearly this was going to be a new, edited version of normal, and Dorian once again was daunted by the question of what, exactly, was left of their friendship if they stripped out all his unwanted affection for Jehan. Book talk, apparently. And not that Dorian didn’t enjoy a good book talk but it felt like a very small remnant of everything that had been before.
Before he could even answer Jehan’s question, there was the dilemma of where to sit. How close was too close? How far away was breaking the rules of pretence that everything was ‘normal’? How was he supposed to play this game when he didn’t know what the rules were and was also forbidden from asking? And since when did being around Jehan involve playing any kind of game, putting on a facade? They had always been able to be themselves completely, and now Jehan wanted him to play a part. But he had to accept Jehan’s terms. It was Dorian who had screwed up, and Jehan was being good enough to forgive him. He perched midway along the sofa. Not far enough away to appear distant and antisocial, but not, he hoped, invading Jehan’s personal space. He tried to watch Jehan for cues on how to behave, but without appearing to watch too intensely…
“I have two books,” he answered, unfastening his satchel and placing them on the sofa between the two of them, worrying after he had done so that that underlined the fact that there was space between them - but didn’t Jehan want space? He had avoided hugging Dorian, after all. “I borrow one from Professor Brooding. It is about Lǎozǐ - famous in Chinese philosophy and potions, and the novel from summer that I still must finish,” he had written to Jehan about the novel, a story of a falsely accused man setting out to right the wrongs that had been done to him. Whilst the sense of justice appealed, Dorian was somewhat anxious that someone was about to die very horribly in a duel and was not convinced that he had the stomach to keep reading. He was striving for normality, he really was, but his tone of his voice and his eyes betrayed some of the underlying anxiety he still felt. He was reminiscent of Dorian in first year, where his choices of reading material had always been presented nervously, as if seeking approval - as if expecting rejection. “And you?” he asked.
The distance Dorian had left between them on the sofa confirmed that Jehan’s no hug conclusion had been correct. Sure, to the casual observer such a small distance might not seem noteworthy, but the two boys were used to snuggling up together, and it hurt Jehan to realise that those days were over, at least for now. However, their conversation with Tatya in Defence Against the Dark Arts had removed all traces of anger from Jehan. He was just tired now, tired of not understanding what had happened, and tired of not knowing why Dorian was sad. If acquiring a new version of normal would help, he was prepared to do it.
Dorian’s response to his question was worryingly nervous, but at least he was still happy to talk about his reading material with Jehan. Slightly encouraged by that, Jehan smiled at Dorian and launched into an explanation of the story he was in the middle of reading. Talking about books meant they were back on safer ground.
Dorian liked seeing Jehan smile and, even though his brain tried to overanalyse it (was he really smiling at Dorian, or was he smiling because he was talking about books and books made him happy?), he couldn’t help smiling slightly in return. Jehan’s smiles, whatever their cause, made him feel better, even his own expression still didn’t quite reach his eyes. As they settled to reading their books, Dorian picked up the novel. The Chinese would require dictionaries, papers, perhaps even spreading out across the floor. He already felt too far away. He was scared to decrease the distance but had no desire to increase it either. He tucked the Lǎozǐ back in his satchel, returning it the floor. It also felt strange to sit, stiff backed, as he had never done on the sofa before, and so he curled his legs up, his knees intruding into the gap he’d left, though still not close enough to touch, making one half of the whole that he and Jehan usually were together.
13
Dorian and Jehan
Back to Normal
1401
Dorian and Jehan
1
5