5th year girls' dorm (Valerie) on Crotalus Commons

Brianna Japos

February 17, 2013 1:57 AM

5th year girls' dorm (Valerie) by Brianna Japos

Brianna had a lot on her mind. First, there was the issue with her lack of sleep and the constant pain she seemed to be in. Second, there were the nightmares that she had. The horrible dreams where she often woke up crying. Third, there was everything going on with Josh. She honestly hadn’t minded him telling her what was going on, but she had no idea how to help him with it. She would do her best, but her best was very limited. And lastly, there were her thoughts and feelings on Michael. She had asked for space and he had seemed to respect that, but everything was jumbled up in her head about all of it and she needed to work it out. The problem was, there was too much for her to figure out on her along with everything else she was dealing with. Her lack of sleep and dreams were of her own doing. Eventually, she knew that they would end when her mind had healed from what had happened over summer. She would never tell anyone about what Josh told her, so that was her burden to bear and she would never talk to Josh about Michael because he’d only end up getting angry and possibly do something rash.

She sat on her bed, thinking to herself. Since coming back, she had been spending more time with Valerie. Brianna didn’t really have a lot of friends, but she was coming to terms with what she considered to be a comfortable trust between certain people that she could possible say was a friendship. That was obviously with Josh, despite their awkwardness, he was someone she trusted wholeheartedly. It was beginning to form more deeply with Linus since he had been so willing to help her with everything. And now she felt that she could claim for certain that Valerie was her friend. She trusted her and knew that she would help her as much as she could. Brianna wasn’t good with girls. They often judged her and seemed to hate her for no reason, but Valerie seemed too nice for something as exhausting as hate.

Knowing that she needed to talk about things with someone and not having Jonah available to her (he had become her psychologist on top of her physical therapist somewhere along the way), Brianna took a deep breath and looked over at Valerie. “Hey Valerie…” Brianna started, looking down suddenly at her hands, embarrassed and feeling rather weird. “I don’t really have a lot of people that I can trust with… things and I don’t really like to tell people my issues because it could be too much for them, but I fell like if I don’t talk to someone than my head might explode and there are things that I can’t talk to Josh about.” She was rambling. She did that sometimes when she was skirting the issue. “Is it okay… I mean, can I talk to you about… something?”

6 Brianna Japos 5th year girls' dorm (Valerie) 203 Brianna Japos 1 5

Valerie Lennox

February 21, 2013 10:42 PM

I'm here by Valerie Lennox

Valerie sat on her bed, working on her embroidery. Not that she needed another embroidered thing around, but it was something to do that she was really good at. It was also very soothing, with all the anxiety she had surrounding this year's challenges. The Crotalus was pretty worried that they'd be more challenging for her than the rest of her team. Anything too physically taxing could lead to disaster. She would get over tired which would wear down her immune system, make her sick and get her sent home from school permanently.

Nothing, short of dying, would be worse. Valerie would be so lonely at home, no sister or friends. She was super anxious about that to the point where her stomach would hurt. Something that had only made things worse because she assumed she was getting sick again. Which, in turn, made Valerie more anxious. It was a vicious cycle. She was so worried that not only would she hurt herself but that her teammates didn't want her because of her medical condition. She doubted they'd consider her an asset. They'd automatically assume she was unable to do anything-and they'd be right.

She turned her head when she heard Brianna speak her name. Her friend seemed nervous about something and she was instantly concerned. In fact, she'd been concerned about Brianna the whole year, more so than she'd even been for herself. The other Crotalus was going through an awful lot and Valerie could tell she was in pain a great deal of the time. If anyone knew how it was to feel bad, it was her and she hated that her friend was suffering so much. It was far worse than what she was going through worrying about the challenges.

Not that Brianna might not be stressing about those too. They were sure to be difficult for someone on crutches as well, but the other fifth year just seemed to have a lot on her mind. As was apparent by the way she was addressing Valerie right now. She didn't want to smile,given that it could be taken the wrong way when Brianna seemed unhappy but it did make the Crotalus feel good that Brianna felt she could trust her. That really meant a lot to Valerie. To feel someone actually wanted to be her friend and confide in her.

"Of course you can talk to me." She said, giving Brianna an encouraging look. The other Crotalus could share as much or as little as she wanted with Valerie, as much as she was comfortable with and the blonde would be there for her to listen or whatever her roommate wanted. "You always can. So, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" It didn't really seem like it was and naturally, Valerie was concerned.

11 Valerie Lennox I'm here 204 Valerie Lennox 0 5

Brianna

February 23, 2013 8:25 PM

I'm sorry for the ear full. by Brianna

Brianna wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she had asked Valerie if she could talk to her. She knew, deep down, that Valerie would have been okay with talking with her because that was the sort of person that Valerie was, but hearing her say it was okay sent painful stabs of fear through her chest. She knew it was irrational to be afraid of talking to her roommate. Valerie wasn’t the sort who would blab to everyone all the things that Brianna confessed too, so really, Brianna had nothing to be afraid of. And yet, she still hesitated. There were so many things she had kept bottled up in her that she wasn’t even sure where to start. Everything hurt her in some way and saying them out loud would just show how weak and hated she really was.

She sighed. “Back home, ever since I can remember, they hated me.” Brianna stated. Knowing she was bullied was obvious because the news had gotten wind of the boys pushing her down the stairs and getting arrested for it. They were prominent Pureblood eligible males, so in their society, these scandals never went unnoticed. But the extent of it was only known within the walls of the Condominium. Brianna never told anyone. She had felt, at the time, that it would be easier on her if people believed everything was fine with her and she could have a normal life here. But, in reality, she had just felt lonely. She hadn’t made a lot of friends, really, just two. If one counted Michael, three. Sonora was supposed to have been her place to start over, but it just ended up being a lonely place where she stayed most of the year.

“I thought things would be better here for me but it’s not really any better.” Brianna admitted. “I just became a bit invisible. I don’t really know what is worse, being pushed around or not being seen at all.” She had thought that being invisible would be a good thing, but it was just a different way of being someone’s nothing. “Last year, I liked Michael. I really liked him, but he was always around Eris and then at the costume party, they were arm in arm, it was obvious that they liked each other. It hurt seeing them together.” She had never told anyone her feelings for him, although she had said it indirectly to Michael even if he didn’t understand. Josh, she figured, already knew since he tended to pick up on things easily. “I figured they did; I’d get over it because boys would never like me anyway, but then he kept trying to talk to me. I felt… stuck. He didn’t want me around Josh because he could hurt me, but then Michael was allowed to stomp on me whenever he wanted with Eris.” She wasn’t making sense, she was sure of it. “And I still don’t understand how a person could be considered friends if they only work together occasionally in class.” Brianna actually did need an answer to that. “Because that’s the only time I have ever spoken to Michael. In class, once in a while. Does that make us friends? And if it does, how am I supposed to know that?” Brianna asked Valerie. Was she simply stupid to not know this or was it common knowledge that if you worked with someone then you should consider them a friend?

“When the boys attacked me over summer, my mother wrote to Josh. His letter was the first she found and I guess she felt sorry for me and scared. It was hard for them, my parents. I know they tried to keep me safe, but when your boss is the one who does this, what can you really do?” Tears were falling from her face. Talking it out was like re-living it. “She asked him to write to my friends, so he wrote to you and Michael. But that just caused more issues for me and Michael. He came to visit me for some reason and we fought. I was still healing; it had only been a week or so after waking up and I was angry. I just took it all out on him and blamed him for things like lying to me about not being with Eris. I just wanted to yell and make him understand that he hurt me too. “ Brianna said quietly. “But instead of just letting me be angry and yell, he tells me that I was right and that he and Eris are happily together, even after I had confessed to him that I had wished that I had died instead of waking up, he tells me that.” When was she ever going to feel okay again? When would this all stop hurting her?

“You’re cruel. That’s what I said to him. How cruel he was and that I never wanted to see him again.” Brianna stated, her eyes lost as she remembered that day in the hospital. “Maybe it had been harsh, I don’t know. I just wanted him to leave. I don’t know why he had to say anything at all about the two of them. Why he couldn’t have waited until the new school year after I was feeling better. Why when he knew how much it hurt me?” These were just her own questions that she did not expect Valerie to answer, but she just wanted to make sure she wasn’t crazy for being angry about it. “Just a few days before that a group of boys forced themselves on me and threw me down a flight of stairs because they thought they could get away with it, and when all I wanted was to fall back into that coma and never wake up again, Michael had to come in and make sure I knew exactly what everyone else tells me every day of my life. That I’m nothing. I don’t exist to them.” Brianna spoke this with such bitterness that she even surprised herself.

“I apologized to him for my behavior. It took me all summer to do that. I was so angry. I’m still so angry.” Brianna put her hands up to her face and rubbed it. “I don’t understand why all these terrible things keep happening to me or why people continuously hurt me. And now, now I can’t walk normal and I’m hurting all the time. I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying. I just… I don’t know what I did to make people hate me so much. Now people feel obligated to help me and I’m a burden to them. They must hate me even more.” Brianna allowed herself to cry quietly into her hands for a moment. She was so exhausted by everything and so ashamed by it all too.

Wiping her face and sniffling, Brianna gave Valerie an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you all that.”

0 Brianna I'm sorry for the ear full. 0 Brianna 0 5

Valerie

March 03, 2013 4:48 AM

And I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. by Valerie

Valerie sat back on her bed and allowed Brianna to speak. The words poured out of her in a flood and it was a lot to take in. She knew about those boys, those awful boys, that had hurt her friend, though she probably wouldn't have if had just been a leaked scandal and not happened to someone she knew and cared about. Valerie was always sheltered from that sort of thing. Nobody wanted her to get upset about anything ever.

This was probably why she didn't quite understand how anyone could feel that sort of hatred, whether it was the people that had been mean to Brianna or Ryan's mother and sister. The Crotalus didn't think people liked her and wanted to stay away from her for fear of infection but to bully or abuse someone was quite another matter. Valerie didn't even think she was capable of that kind of hatred and now that she knew it was out there, it really bothered her, especially when it was directed at someone she considered herself close to. Nor could she understand why anyone would hate her roommate.

"Oh." The fifth year replied upon Brianna mentioning that she really liked Michael. In Valerie's world, things like that didn't exactly happen all the time. People who barely knew each other ended up together and liked each other if they were lucky. She wondered how she would have felt if her two friends had gotten together. Possibly a bit left out. On the other hand, she would have wanted to feel supportive of their happiness together, but now apparently had Michael had hurt Brianna by dating Eris. Truthfully, she felt a tiny bit better off about her betrothal, apparently all that had mattered was a connection and her ability to reproduce. Guys who chose never chose the ones with problems. They wanted the perfect baggage free girl which the transfer appeared to be. If it weren't for betrothals in her social class, she'd end up alone.

"Absolutely not." Valerie answered Brianna's question truthfully. "I've worked with lots of people in class and I don't consider anyone other than you or Michael my friend." The only other person she thought of as particularly nice was Sullivan Quincy and she wasn't even close to him. "I mean sometimes people just hit it off and become instant friends, but often it takes...time spent together, bonding over something. Recognizing each other's good qualities as something you value or having stuff in common. Most of the time you don't befriend someone you've talked to once." There were people she could in no way see herself being friends with.

Valerie looked at Brianna sympathetically. "You have every reason to be angry." She pointed out. "I mean, if something like that happened to me, I'd be upset." She meant with the boys who'd thrown Brianna down the stairs of course. "And you have every reason to feel hurt by Michael when you liked him and he's now dating someone else and you apologized, so hopefully he understands and forgives you for taking it out on him when you were feeling so bad to begin with."

The other Crotalus started to cry a little and Valerie got up and walked over to her. She gave Brianna a hug. "It's all right, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with me to confide in me. I know what it's like to be in pain physically, even if it's not the same exact thing." She'd been wanting to tell Brianna that she understood that all year. "Anyway, I'm here for you. I'm your friend and I care about you."

11 Valerie And I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. 204 Valerie 0 5

Brianna

March 07, 2013 9:26 PM

No need to be sorry by Brianna

Brianna felt as though she were doing a terrible job of explaining herself. There was just so much in her head that she wanted to get out and sometimes it really seemed to just get all jumbled up whenever she tried to voice it. Partially, she felt that because she had kept it all loaded up inside her that she didn’t know how to free herself from it. Partially, she thought that these burdens were her own and no one would care to hear them. Partially, she thought that without them, she would have nothing at all. It was a twisted way of thinking, but Brianna had long since identified herself as the poor, ugly, Duck-face girl who lived on the first floor in a small apartment with her two parents who simply tolerated one another for the sake of her. Now she was the poor, ugly, crippled Duck-face girl. Brianna didn’t know what else to be other than that. And she knew that there wasn’t any real way of explaining that to someone. They would just think she was being silly or over-exaggerating. But, until she had come to Sonora, that was all she had been, and since Sonora… she just became invisible.

She felt a little better knowing that Valerie felt the same way about the classmate partnership. Brianna was nice to everyone that she worked with and had never any issues with them, but she doubted each of them considered her as a friend. They certainly never went out of their way to chat with her outside of class, except for maybe Sully, but she felt that had more to do with the bonfire she was at than her actual company. The only person she ever saw Michael around outside of class was Eris and he denied Brianna her words that they were together. Even if they hadn’t been, he could have been honest with her and say that he wanted them to be. That would have been better than making her feel crazy for thinking it at all. Although, the yearbook backed up her feelings on it, so that was something.

“I guess, when he confronted me about being friends with Josh, I was thinking ‘what does he know?’ He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t ask me how I’m doing or how my Christmas went. He doesn’t know who my parents are. How can he judge my friendship to someone who has asked me? It felt like he was trying to pull something solid away from me.” Brianna commented. “Josh didn’t ask to me my friend and I didn’t ask to be his, but we just fit. Two oddballs who were lonely found each other. To hear someone question him just off a rumor was frustrating. What right is there when Michael never bothered with me before then?” Brianna asked, not really expecting anything of an answer, at least, not from Valerie, although she doubted anyone else could answer either.

“He understood enough to accept my apologize, but I can almost guarantee he has no real understanding as to why he upset me so much.” Brianna stated. “He even had the need to tell me how to deal with people better.” Brianna rolled her eyes at that. He had seen her during a difficult moment in her life. How she dealt with people was her own business. She was doing fine with them now. The staring she had to get used to, but most people just wanted to help. She knew they did it because they felt guilty if they didn’t, but it was better than being ignored.

Crying had become a bit of a ritual for Brianna. She cried often when her back was in pain. She cried often at night when she was left to remember everything. She cried sometimes for no reason at all. The tears just poured out of her. It was so strange because for a long time, she had hated herself for crying and now she just couldn’t stop. The hug had the tears come to an abrupt stop for a moment, uncertain as to what to do and then Brianna wrapped her arms around her frail friend and cried harder than before. She felt guilty for all the times that Valerie had been sick and Brianna had kept away from her instead of offering the support she probably needed.

“I’m just…I’m just so tired of being me.” She finally said after she had calmed down. “Everything keeps getting harder instead of easier. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

0 Brianna No need to be sorry 0 Brianna 0 5