To Brianna on Crotalus Commons

An owl from Michael

January 20, 2013 12:47 PM

To Brianna by An owl from Michael

It was a good job Michael had never heard of Howlers. He was not the most of articulate of people and it was a skill that had not been enhanced in the slightest by becoming a teenager or by his constant desire to be a regular guy. Guys didn't blub on about their feelings. Therefore, in face to face conversations, especially serious ones, he very frequently tended to find things moving faster than he could cope with. Note writing was better. You could take time to organise your thoughts. If it came out wrong the first time you got another go. He still wasn't perfect at communicating his ideas in this way – his letters often fell short of what he really wanted to express – but it definitely seemed safer. If he ever discovered Howlers, his ability to articulate his feelings stood the risk of being crushed forever.

He had received a note from Brianna on one of the last days of the holidays apologising for what had happened at the hospital. He wasn't so naïve as to think that everything was now going to be hunky-dory – enough of their conversations lately had gone so utterly horribly that he was wary. He wasn't about to assume that this apology meant everything was fine, and any future conversations would not be difficult. It just meant that the door wasn't closed. Given that Brianna, at their last meeting had called him cruel, as bad as someone who had pushed her down the stairs and left her for dead, told him she hated him and never wanted to see him again, this was a step forward.

He hadn't had time to write back before the end of the holidays but he had had time to think and draft things in his head. And redraft. And then when he finally put it to paper, he was sure he'd had better ways of saying it in his head... But eventually, he had a letter, which he sent to the Crotalus Commons.

Dear Brianna,

Thank you for your letter. It really meant a lot to me and I know apologizing can be a really tough thing to do. I accept yours and, for my part, am also sorry for any pain I've caused you. It's been unintentional but I still regret that my actions have hurt you. If you want to talk these things through, let me know. Otherwise maybe we can draw a line under them and start again. I want to do whichever will help you be happiest and to believe I care about our friendship.

I don't know what being you is like right now, or what the challenges you're facing are. But I know some things about facing challenges, and I expect these two things will be as true for you as they have been (and sometimes still are) for me, so I hope they're useful.

1. People Under Help.

Sometimes the things that will make your life simpler are the smallest things. They seem like they should be common sense or easily noticeable. But people are so used to not needing to notice them that they don't. They seem like they should be obvious and it's frustrating when people fail to do them. I'll probably be guilty of doing this, seeing as what you need is so different to what I needed.

2. People Over Help.

As soon as you have one problem, people assume the rest of you has fallen apart too. I've had people talk to me like I'm stupid or treat me like I must be physically weak and fragile, like I need to be wrapped in cotton wool. Sometimes it comes from a place of wanting to help and not knowing how, so I try not to get annoyed at those people, but sometimes it's just people being stupid and patronising. I hope I'll be less guilty of this one, but you never know.

I guess my point is you need to tell me, and other people, what you need. Please don't let me under or over help you. I want to be helping you just the right amount.
Take care,
Michael.

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Brianna

January 20, 2013 9:56 PM

A response back to Michael by Brianna

Brianna was rather surprised to find a letter for her in the Crotalus common rooms. She was even more surprised to find that it was from Michael. She thought her apology letter would mean the end of all of this. That he would leave her alone and she could move on with her life. That was what she was hoping for. After her fit with him and the weeks that had followed, Brianna had done a lot of thinking and had a revelation of things. She had liked Michael. Past-tense. She didn’t anymore. Not really. But she had thought that he liked her in some way too. It was the way he came off to people or to her in particular. And then he came to the party with Eris and was gloating about it, even if he didn’t realize it, he had been gloating and it had just hurt her. It felt like he had punched her heart repeatedly.

At the time, she hadn’t realized that was what she was feeling, but then she had seen the yearbook and that same feeling of hurt had bubbled up again. On top of the hurt of knowing that he didn’t like a girl like her but rather, the foreign girl who was popular and then continued to act like none of it was true. She didn’t care if he was just blind about everything or playing dumb, but she wanted no part of it. Not any of it.

Plus, he kept throwing the term ‘friendship’ around. Brianna still has yet to say he was or is her friend. No matter how many times she said that to him, he just didn’t get it. She apologized for yelling and for saying she hated him. She didn’t hate him. But everything else she said had been true. He was cruel and he was awful to her. Instead of just saying that he hadn’t been in a relationship at the time of their conversation, he had to make sure he stood there and said that he was in one now. He just had to rub it in her face. When she was bruised and broken and angry and wanting nothing more than to just die, he had to hurt her all over again.

She had no choice to see him in classes and she figured working together would have been fine, but she really didn’t want anything beyond that. If she ever wanted to get any better, she couldn’t focus on trivial things like that, so keeping away from him was the best thing. Because, to be frank, the idea of seeing him happily with Eris attached to his side wasn’t something she wanted to deal with. But, apparently, he couldn’t just let her be. He still did not get it at all.

It took her a couple of days to really think of the best way to respond to the letter without sounding too harsh. Eventually, she finally just gave up and wrote whatever came to mind.

Dear Michael,

I appreciate your advice and will keep it in mind as I continue with my therapy. Since the accident, I have noticed the behaviors of those around me and how they react to my situation. I’ll try to have more patience with them going forward.

After your last visit, my Healer advised that becoming emotionally distressed places a strain onto my body, which may end up causing great physical pain for me and has asked that I try to avoid those situations. Due to our history with this, I feel it is best if I keep my distance. This has been a very difficult time for me and though I know you are only trying to help, I need space to heal from the things that have happened.

I hope you understand. Maybe we will be able to work in class together like we used to.

Sincerely,
Brianna

She was vague enough to suggest that it was really just her healing for her physical injuries and maybe he wouldn't think anything beyond that. But she knew it was more than that. The more she hung around him, the more hurt she would become. She couldn't just let him keep hurting her. Unintentionally or not. This, she felt, was the best thing for her.

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