A Necessary Conversation (Josh) on Magical Arts Room and Sports

Brianna Japos

January 19, 2013 7:08 PM

A Necessary Conversation (Josh) by Brianna Japos

Brianna was done with her water therapy for the day and decided that since they were alone, she and Josh needed to talk. Although Brianna had been rather selfish about things during the summer and again these first couple of weeks of school, she was not so blind and into herself to not notice how stressed her friend was. She wasn’t sure if he had things going on at home too and just didn’t feel like he could talk to her about it or if he was stressed because he was helping her out, or any number of things, but she didn’t feel right keeping up with this knowing that it was affecting him so much.

Pulling herself out of the water as best she could (getting out was easier for her than getting in), Brianna turned and sat herself at the edge of the so that her feet tangled into the water. When she first started to do this at school, she had felt extremely uncomfortable with anyone seeing her in a swimsuit. She felt boyish despite the fact that her body was quite girlish in that aspect of things. But Brianna only saw bones. The amount of bullying that she had grown up with had done severe damage not only physically to her body, but also to her self-esteem. It would be a long time coming before Brianna could ever see anything remotely interesting in herself. But now that she had done this a few times a week, she was growing accustomed to people seeing her in this state. She didn’t like it, but she knew there was nothing to be done about it.

Talking had never been one of those things that she was good at. She didn’t like to talk about things because she had a hard time trusting people so she couldn’t really expect for Josh to be open with her about his troubles. Which is why she was now currently sitting at the side of the pool looking helplessly around for a way to begin this conversation. This shouldn’t be so difficult if they were as close of friends as she figured they were. Why was something that seemed to come so naturally to others had to be so difficult for her?

Finally deciding that too much time had lapsed and that the silence between them had become uncomfortable, Brianna went for it. “Hey… Josh?” She started, getting his attention. “Is everything alright with you?” She asked him cautiously. “You seem really on edge. And you look exhausted. Are you not sleeping okay?”

6 Brianna Japos A Necessary Conversation (Josh) 203 Brianna Japos 1 5

Maximilian McLachlan

January 20, 2013 10:12 AM

Word-Vomiting. by Maximilian McLachlan

Helping Brianna with her water therapy was tiring, but it seemed like it was helping her. Josh couldn't be sure, of course, but if the therapist had prescribed her to it and she was staying true to it, he guessed it had to be helping. In his two years here, he had never spent so much time in the MARS rooms as he was spending this term. It was a nice place, he had to admit. Sonora certainly knew how to spice things up for their students.

Over the past week, Josh's dreams had been plagued by a girl with brown eyes and olive skin. It was driving him crazy. The nightmares weren't getting worse, exactly, but they weren't going away. He had taken to carrying a Calming Draught with him in a flask everywhere to keep himself sane at times. He was thinking of taking a Dreamless Sleep Potion at night as well, but he didn't want to start depending on a potion to put him to sleep. It was starting to take a toll on his body, though, and he knew he had to do something to stop himself from going mad.

Brianna was done for the day and Josh let her get out of the water herself. He went a little ways away and sat down to pull on his shoes. His thoughts wandered to what he would tell his uncle Allister. His uncle's note was burning a hole in his bookbag. He had yet to reply and he was sure Allister would send another note if he didn't reply soon. Josh finished tying his shoes and sat down, his eyes closing briefly as his head started throbbing. He couldn't stop thinking about his future. It was a dark and gloomy place he was heading towards and he couldn't find a way to stop it.

Brianna's voice roused him out of himself and he opened his eyes. He was surprised by her question. He knew friends asked those sorts of things, but he didn't think Brianna usually did. Was everything alright with him? Josh wanted to laugh or cry at that, but he didn't do either. Should he go for the honest route or the vague one?

Brianna seemed to have enough on her plate without his problems, but Josh could feel his heart pounding with the need to tell someone before he went crazy. "I'm fine," he lied, hands shaking slightly. "I--I received a letter from my uncle, the patriarch." He turned away. "He wants me to help out with the family business. It's not a pretty one, that's for sure." If Brianna knew anything about the McLachlans, she should have some idea of what the "family business" was.

"I don't have much of a choice. Either I help or I'm disowned." He had planned to lie his way through, but words were suddenly spilling out of his mouth. "I want to open an apothecary, but the only way I'm going to be able to do that is by helping him out and I don't want that. I never wanted to become one of my relatives. I wanted to be disowned, but that doesn't seem like a choice anymore. Being disowned would be worse than death." He leaned his head back. "Merlin, I just want to die." He squeezed his eyes shut. "It would be easier for everyone." He shook his head, unable to believe he had just said that.

"Merlin, sorry." His hands were shaking again and he pulled out his flask of Calming Draught and took a sip. His hands stilled and he put the flask away. "My uncle's decided my future for me and he knows I can't refuse." He couldn't tell Brianna about Cecilia and how he had been so in love with her and how he wanted to protect Brianna the way he hadn't been able to protect Cecilia. He couldn't tell her that he had come here planning to make no friends and how, when he met Brianna, things had changed. He couldn't tell her that the only person who could change his mind about his future was his only friend now. "I don't know what to do," he whispered his hands rubbing his face in frustration.

0 Maximilian McLachlan Word-Vomiting. 0 Maximilian McLachlan 0 5

Brianna

January 21, 2013 12:30 AM

Just make sure you have a bucket. by Brianna

Brianna was honestly surprised that Josh actually started talking. He was so secretive that she thought he would just say he was okay and then help her get ready to head back to have some lunch. All of this must have been wearing on him for so long. The dark circle under his eyes and the fact that he kept taking sips from his flask (he may have thought he was sneaky enough to think she hadn’t noticed, but Brianna was an observer by nature and it hadn’t skipped over her that easily), she had known that whatever it was was bigger than her and something he couldn’t control.

As he spoke, Brianna pushed herself back and twisted so that she was on her stomach. Stretching, she reached one of her crutches and used it to help her onto her feet. She grabbed her other one and made her way over to Josh where her towel and bags were and sat beside him. Brianna knew very little about the McLachlans. She heard that they were dark and did illicit things. But, she had just thought them rumors based on small amounts of facts. However, listening to him now, Brianna realized that what she had heard about them was probably all very true.

Brianna’s future was simple. Well, at least, at the basics. After she graduated, she would need a scholarship to continue her education and do whatever it was that she pleased. She would get out of that building. She would run away and live the life she had always dreamed of. She knew that she could do it. She was smart enough to get the scholarship and she worked so hard every day to keep up with everything. She wouldn’t allow for anything else because if she didn’t get that scholarship, it meant cleaning condos with her mother or fixing all the issues like her father. She refused to let that happen. Even with all these hurtles that life kept throwing at her, her dream never changed or budged.

She couldn’t imagine having to choose between working for a family you didn’t want and being thrown out of it. And then he said the one phrase Brianna had said not too long ago. It made her sad to know that he felt so low of himself. He was always so nice to her and helped her out even when she knew he hated it and now he had to go through this. She had no idea what to say or how to help him. She really didn’t like him drinking from that flask. What was it? Alcohol? Some addictive potion?

“You know… it’s not true.” Brianna commented quietly, “If you were gone, it wouldn’t be easier on me. You’ve let me eat with you when I know you didn’t like it. You took me to the party despite hating people and even walked with me when you knew I was having a hard time with… things.” Maybe he didn’t see things as big things, but they made a difference to her. “When I was in the coma, you gave hope to my mother. And now, you’re here with me instead of doing a million other things. Maybe I’m being selfish for saying it, but I know if you were gone, if you were dead, it wouldn’t be easier for me. Because of you, I have someone that I can trust and believe in. You’re my friend.” Brianna gave him a small smile, she didn’t think she was helping him any, but she was being genuine.

“I don’t know how difficult your Uncle is making this for you, but I think, if you really don’t want to do it, then don’t.” Brianna knew that was probably not something he felt he could do considering how awful he looked. “I mean it. That can't be all there is. If I have to learn how to walk again, you have to figure out the future that you want and make it work.” Brianna elbowed him to get her point across. “Life sucks.” She said flatly. “It is awful and hard, but there has to be something better for us. There has to be.”

0 Brianna Just make sure you have a bucket. 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh McLachlan

January 22, 2013 11:51 AM

It may be too late. by Josh McLachlan

Josh didn't think Brianna would understand how much her genuine comments meant to him. It was clear she didn't completely understand his aversion to people, though that wasn't her fault. He had never shared that with anyone and he wasn't going to start now. "It's you I should thank for eating with me," he said. "I came here not wanting to make any friends, but somehow you got through." He laughed bitterly. "Somehow you got through." He looked away, trying to reign in his emotions.

What did friends matter in the long run if he was going to disappear off the face of the earth? If he decided to submit to his uncle's wishes, then he would pull himself away from everyone he knew. He didn't want to associate with the goodies of the earth. If he went down, he wanted to go down alone. It wasn't like there was anything holding him there. If Josh graduated and disappeared, he knew Brianna would be okay. She had friends, she had her parents who loved her, and she was smart enough to go places. Josh was brilliant and he was aware of that, but there were more obstacles for him, some he could never overcome.

Brianna's comment was naive and hopeful, two things Josh, in his situation, was not. Brianna's battle to walk again was a physical one, something she had to work hard at everyday. She had to be motivated both internally and externally to get through it, and Josh respected her highly for it. But his battle was against his demons; his family members who controlled his future and his life so long as he kept the name McLachlan.

The one hope he had kept close to his heart was getting through this to graduate, be disowned, and find Cecilia again. But things had changed drastically since then and Josh was now a different person. He was messed up, frustrated, cold; she wouldn't want to see him this way, and he didn't want her to. The timid light in his life had been blown out and he had no reason not to accept his uncle's proposal except for his own inherent moral sense. He had fought so hard to stay on the straight and narrow and keep from falling into his family's affairs--and for what? To waltz right into it because he ended up living for himself like all of his other relatives?

Josh rubbed his face with his hands and sighed, looking weary. "I have no reason to turn him down," he said quietly, more to himself than to her. When said aloud, the decision seemed clear, but he would hate himself for it every day of his life. And what else would he have wanted to become? A professor? A journalist? Josh ran a hand down a stubbly cheek and sighed again. The Calming Draught really did wonders; he was half-drowzy right now and this entire conversation was just feeling surreal.

0 Josh McLachlan It may be too late. 0 Josh McLachlan 0 5

Brianna

January 22, 2013 8:46 PM

You're cleaning up the mess! by Brianna

Brianna wasn’t sure if she should apologize for sitting with him at lunch or not because he laugh and tone of voice suggested that he wasn’t exactly happy about it. She suddenly felt as though she had done something very wrong. He could have told her that he wanted to eat alone; she would have respected his wish. But, he hadn’t said anything and he even conversed with her from time to time. He said he was thanking her for sitting with him, but he sounded unhappy about it. Brianna was very confused by this, so decided it best if she didn’t try to understand lest she become emotional and attempt to storm away (she had yet to master that even with working legs, so she didn’t think it was possible with two broken ones). “Sorry…” She said quietly, not really sure what she was supposed to say to that.

It was clear to her by his attitude that he didn’t really take anything she said to heart. She had thought she was being positive and helpful, but he didn’t seem to want to hear it or maybe she just didn’t understand what he was saying to her and didn’t want to explain it any further. She knew what that was like and didn’t want to do that to him. “Look, Josh, I don’t want to say things that you find irrelevant or feel as though you haven’t explained yourself well enough for me to understand. I’ve been there and it’s beyond frustrating to explain something over and over and over again and still not have it get through to a person. Instead, they make you feel incompetent and that your feelings have no meaning.” This, was specifically meant towards Michael, who just never understood and no matter how many times she tried to explain it, he continued to feign ignorance to the point where she had wanted to never be with another human being ever again.

She had cried for days after his visit, often causing herself painful back spasms due to the stress of it. She had cried to her mother about how mean he had been, how cruel. Her mother had rocked her and hummed to her to calm her down. She had told her that boys do not think in the same way that girls do. Brianna might have felt she had expressed her feelings for him by stating her hurt feelings for seeing him with Eris and he took it in a different direction. So, when her accusation had become true, he wanted to verify this fact with her, which, unfortunately, lead to more hurt for Brianna. Her mother had told her it was best to stay away from him and her Healer agreed. The sort of emotional response that she had received because of him had nearly caused her body to go into shock since it had been so early in her healing process. It was unhealthy and it worried her mother. Brianna didn’t think that would be a problem. She had told him to never bother her again and now, she had sent a letter saying she needed space. Hopefully, he wasn’t completely ignorant and respected her enough to honor that much from her since he clearly did not respect her enough to not kick her when she was down. Repeatedly.

But, she wasn’t going to think about that right now.

“Did you know that there was a moment when they attacked me and I was falling, just a small moment, where I thought, ‘finally’,” Brianna looked down at her hands as she spoke, ashamed for these thoughts that she had and one that she was about to admit to, “Finally, it’s over. I can stop now. I felt… relieved, that I was going to die. And then, I woke up in the hospital and the only thing that came to mind was ‘why?’” Brianna looked at him, sad and hurt. “Why me? Why did they do this? Why do people hate me? Why couldn’t I just die?” Brianna was worried that she would become emotional and cry, so she forced herself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Feeling a little better, she continued, whether he wanted to hear it or not. “I had wanted to die so that I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. It’s so exhausting doing it all the time and feeling so alone. I didn’t want to do it anymore and I didn’t think anyone would miss me.

“But, I didn’t really have much choice in quitting.” Brianna said after a moment. “Even if it’s the hardest road for me, even if everyone is against me and hates me, I have to get out. I don’t want to become my mom and dad. I don’t want to be a maid for the rest of my life catering to kids who have no idea about anything or parents who prefer their concoctions in their wine glasses than the children that they created.” Brianna was sure of this. She needed to be. “I will get out, if by means of a scholarship or just running away with nothing, I will do it because if I don’t… I might as well just throw myself down those stairs.” She was half joking when she said this to him, but she really didn’t think she could survive it if she didn’t get out.

“Maybe I’m being stupid for thinking that I can, I don’t know. But I’m tiring of being told that I am nothing. I’m tired of other people dictating to me my place in this world. Maybe you don’t want to keep fighting and that’s why you’re giving up.” Brianna accused. “But if you were so set on just following along with what is told of you, then why do you look like crap?” She asked him, unconcerned if she was being harsh. She never spoke up with anyone, accept for apparently, Michael, but she felt Josh would understand. “You keep drinking from that stupid flask and you look like you haven’t slept in a month. You used to be so intimidating to me. I loved your strength. You didn’t care about anyone or anything. You did your thing and that’s what I liked about you the most. Why are you giving up so easily, Josh? Why?” She asked him. “What’s happened to do this to you?”

0 Brianna You're cleaning up the mess! 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh

January 23, 2013 11:53 AM

But there's so much... by Josh

When Brianna apologized for getting through and being his friend, he felt guilty; but when did he not feel guilty about everything lately? He shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You're the only person who's made it bearable here." His voice was raw with honesty and his strange, mixed accent became a little heavier the more emotional he got.

Josh could understand Brianna's position, though he had never really suffered from poverty. He knew much of her life and her current problems, though perhaps not all, and he sympathized with her completely. If the people at his old school could've had it their way, they would have drowned him off the New Zealand coast. It was so much harder hearing Brianna say all this, however, and Josh's eyebrows furrowed. His hand went out and touched her gently, trying to relay the comfort that his words could never convey.

Brianna voiced the questions he had been asking himself. The only thing was he knew the person he had been before coming to Sonora and he hated who he was now. If he couldn't even stand himself, then what else was there to fight for?

Giving up wasn't easy and Josh hated the words. "I look like crap because all my life I've been fighting to keep from going down the same path as my relatives. But while I was fighting, I had something to fight for; I had dreams, I had plans for my life. I was going to run away. I expected to be disowned and left to my own devices, but it looks like my family wants to keep me close." He clenched his fist. "I had a plan for my life, one that didn't include my uncle breathing down my neck. Now he's messing it up just like they've always messed everything up."

Josh felt his chest bubbling with all of the words he wanted to say and he couldn't help himself. He looked at her directly, his gray eyes hard. "Did you know they won't tell me how my parents were killed even though they all know perfectly well? I know they had something to do with it or they wouldn't bother keeping it such a big secret from me." He clenched his jaw. "I don't think I could get through the day without throwing myself out a window if it weren't for the Calming Draught. That's what's in this stupid flask," he said as he shook it, "a Calming Draught." He looked over at her, vulnerable. "And you."

He slipped it into his pocket and looked out at the water. "There was someone else who believed in me and I never wanted to disappoint her. But look at me now." He looked down at his shoes. "I'm a mess. I'm a total mess."

Josh couldn't stay sitting anymore and he stood up, his hands flying to cover his face, the impulse to scream stronger than before. "God, how did things get this way?" He wanted to rip something apart, but he put his hands into his pockets and clenched his fists as he stood, turned slightly away from Brianna. He closed his eyes, trying to regain his bearings, trying to close himself off as he had done for so long. Cracking open these walls were not going to help him and he tried to concentrate, tried to relax. He tried to focus on the draught that was now pumping through his system. He wanted to find that strength that Brianna loved, that he had been proud of himself.

She said he didn't care about anyone. How wrong she was.

0 Josh But there's so much... 0 Josh 0 5

Brianna

January 27, 2013 12:05 AM

Ok, fine, I'll help. by Brianna

She didn’t understand him. He seemed annoyed that she had sat with him and became his friend one minute and then telling her not to apologize because she was the only one he seemed to find worth anything while he was forced to be here. She didn’t understand him at all. If he wanted to be her friend, then be happy to be her friend. If he didn’t want to be her friend, then he didn’t need to feel like he had to be. She did not understand the reasons of men at all. “If that’s the case, don’t sound so annoyed by it.” Brianna mused, frowning at him.

Although her natural reaction would have been to flinch at being touched, Brianna was instead surprised by it. Brianna didn’t get hugs from people other than her parents. No one reached out to her in friendly ways. Tender touches from anyone just never happened. To have one now, even a small one, from someone like Josh who had a hard time with people, gave her comfort when she felt she had none.

Brianna wondered if they would have spoken to each other like this if she hadn’t been hurt. Last year, they didn’t really have many conversations together. Sometimes they made small talk, but usually they sat in comfortable silence. This conversation and the one from the feast were probably the longest she had ever had with him. She wasn’t complaining or anything, she was glad for it even if the conversation was as serious as it seemed to be. But if she was never assaulted by the boys back home, would he feel so strongly to talk to her now? Would he have felt as though he needed her then as much as he seemed to now?

Brianna winced when he started unloading onto her all of the things he had been keeping bottled up. From how it sounded, it was like there was nothing left for him at all. Anything that he had was gone. All because his Uncle wanted him to follow down the same path? That didn’t seem right. Wouldn’t that have always been something he had known? Why would an Uncle insisting now make a difference for Josh?

She shook her head when he talked about his parents. She didn’t know what it would be like to lose her parents and never know how. The burning need to know probably would consume her. Josh was a smart guy, so she was sure that he would have tried to research it if anything was there to be found. She wondered why his family didn’t tell him anything… did they really do something to his parents? If so, why? What threat would they have been? “I… didn’t know”

It scared her to know that he was on the verge of committing suicide, even if he was only being dramatic. Considering how often she had thought of it herself, it was eerie hearing it come from another. It saddened her to know that he was using a potion to keep himself sane and then felt both embarrassment that she was something that kept his feet on the ground as well as something a little heavier, but she couldn’t quite label it. What a terrible anchor she made.

“When I woke up from my coma and couldn’t move my legs, I thought my life was over.” Brianna said, hoping that maybe this would help. “I panicked and cried for hours, probably days. I did a lot of crying then, so it’s hard to remember. Anyway, I was told that if I ever wanted to walk again, I had to be the one to do it. It was going to be difficult. It was going to take a long time to do. But the only person who was going to be holding me back was me.”

Brianna forced herself into a standing position, using her crutches for support. “I know it’s different than what you’re going through, but it’s still a struggle. I’m in pain every day. Every moment of every day I feel like my spine is ripping apart. I just want to give up, curl up into a little ball and forget everything. But, then I remember, I’m the only one who can change things for myself. Maybe not now, but someday. Someday, I will walk without assistance. I will be able to handle the pain. I will be out of New York City and on my own. I’ll figure things out.”

She moved slightly so that she could see his face and reached out to touch his arm as he had done for her. She wanted to hug him, but, since she had never hugged a person who wasn’t a parent of hers, she wasn’t sure if that was allowed. “You said that you had all these plans, including not following with what they wanted… why did it change? If you had known they would someday want you to join them and had still planned your life, why does it matter what they want now? Why can’t you run away and do your thing? Make your own happiness? Find the girl that got away and prove to her that she was right to believe in you?”

It sounded corny and even a little disillusioned, but she didn’t see a reason why he should give up. She had been through more than enough in her life and she was still going. Josh could do it too. “Stop relying on the potion. That scares me. And get some sleep. You don’t have to solve all your problems right now. And you don’t have to give up on your dreams either.”

0 Brianna Ok, fine, I'll help. 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh McLachlan

January 28, 2013 1:54 PM

Your help is much appreciated. by Josh McLachlan

Of course Brianna would misunderstand him; Josh had a difficult time communicating things when he was letting his emotions get the better of him. He had nothing to say, however, because he was too busy not letting his emotions take control again. It was his second nature to fight the natural instinct to cry or get angry or be upset. Cutting himself off from people as well as himself was his way of coping, and until recently it had served him well.

At first he couldn’t understand why things were so different now, but with careful self-analysis, he knew that things were happening too fast and he had no anchor to hold onto. When his grandmother had died, he had been in a similar situation, floating aimlessly in the hate and dislike his relatives had for him, the orphan, until his uncle Inigo took him under his wing. Inigo had been his anchor until he married, and then Josh was sent to school and found Cecilia. He had friends there, and until his third year things had gone well. Then it had all gone downhill and when he moved to Sonora, broken, angry, hurt, he still had Cecilia. Though he was heartbroken because he was separated from her, he always had the hope of returning.

Now, that hope was gone and he was spiraling out of control once again. This time, not even Brianna could be his anchor. She had so many of her own problems; she couldn’t take on his burdens too, and he wouldn’t want her to. This was his lot and he was to deal with it.

While he stood away, calming himself down, she began to talk about that horrible time. Through her life, she tried to send a message to him and he closed his eyes. He didn’t know if it helped hearing about what she went through, but he would bear it. He was her anchor and he wanted to keep it that way. He was so glad that Brianna was maturing into someone who was determined to make a way for herself. He felt islands apart right now, with his eyes closed. She was moving closer and he could hear her voice louder, and then she touched his arm.

Josh tensed, not because he was adverse to her touch, but because he wasn’t used to it. All the physical contact he had experienced had not been out of love or comfort of any kind, not since uncle Inigo married, anyway. How he wished he could escape to the past. He expected Brianna to snatch her hand away, offended, and he wouldn’t blame her.

Brianna made things seem so easy, but Josh couldn’t believe it for himself. He finally opened his eyes, his face blank. His Occlumency practice had helped so much in getting him back to where he needed to be. “It changed when I changed,” he said calmly, staring straight ahead. “I expected them to throw me out, not draw me closer. As for the girl,” his heart pounded in his chest, “I can’t go back. I’m not the person she once knew.” He turned away. “I’ll stop relying on the potion. It’s better for me anyhow.” He opened the flask and could smell the sweet Calming Draught. Would he be able to survive? He dropped the flask, unable to dump it out himself, and allowed it to spill on the ground.

He slipped his hands in his pockets and felt the leather wallet-sized photo album. He hadn’t needed to rely on it so much, but lately he had been carrying it around with him again. It was his crutch, seeing these people that he had lost. Once he disappeared after graduation, maybe he’d put a picture of Brianna in there too: the only friend he’d really had at Sonora. How could he make her understand that his only dream had been to separate himself from his family, to be free to brew his own experiments and open his own apothecary? How he wanted to be free from the infamous family name he had been cursed with? How he wanted to sweep his love off her feet and ride away with her into the sunset? This wasn’t a step-by-step situation the way Brianna’s path to walking again was. He couldn’t hope to be the best at potion brewing and make a lot of money to get out. As long as he carried the name “McLachlan,” he would be cursed with dirty looks, closed doors, and a general unbelief that he had any real academic value. Life was a popularity contest, and with the crowd Josh wanted to break into, the McLachlans were the outsiders.

Josh couldn’t tell her that; he didn’t have the words. “I need to write my uncle back,” he told her, his voice still eerily calm. “If I don’t reply soon, I can expect a Howler.” He toed the ground. “Then I really wouldn’t be able to get any sleep.” His dreams for freedom were done for by his name. No matter how hard he worked, no matter how smart he was, he was still living in a pureblood society where name, wealth, and power mattered more than anything. His dreams for his own apothecary were crushed by his uncle’s insistence that he help out the family business or be crushed. His dream to be with Cecilia was ruined by his other uncle, the one who was adamant to keep him from any muggle-born, dead or alive. In Josh's mind, he was surrounded by his relatives who were staring at him, waiting for him to make one wrong move to eat him up. It wasn't unheard of McLachlans taking down one another. The weakest link was cut off and Josh knew very well how real that was. He hadn't known to what extent before, back when he had expected to be "cut off" and freed, but he knew now.

0 Josh McLachlan Your help is much appreciated. 0 Josh McLachlan 0 5

Brianna

February 06, 2013 8:50 PM

It doesn't seem like it. by Brianna

She felt him tense under her touch and immediately pulled away, hurt that he did not feel comfort in her as she had hoped that he would. She thought maybe she ought to apologize for touching him without asking, but she couldn’t bring herself to open her mouth to say anything about it. Mainly because she was embarrassed by his reaction, but she also didn’t want to hear his reasons as to why he did not like her touch. It would be too difficult to look at him and then she wouldn’t be able to work with him on her water therapy. She had already asked for space from Michael, she didn’t want to have to stay away from Josh too. So, she just kept going with her comments because it was easier than facing her own fears.

However, after all that she had said and how hard she had tried to get him to understand that he was not alone and that there were always options, he didn’t hear a word of it. It was like he didn’t have a soul and was just talking because that was what he was supposed to do. And when he just dropped his flask, Brianna nearly fell over backwards afraid that would hit her having not prepared herself for his sudden decision to rid himself of the canister and its contents.

It was clear to her that he was going to be wallowing for a while and it wouldn’t matter what she said to him about it. It had taken her all summer to come to terms with her situation and even now, she was still trying to grasp at it. She had her good days and she had her bad days. On her worse days, Brianna wanted to die. She didn’t want to deal with the world and all the cruelties that it forced upon her. Those days it took everything within her just to open her eyes to start her day. On her good days, she felt like she could bear with it. But it took all of her to feel like that and any negative thoughts were not allowed. Josh was still clearly trying to work through all of that and if he wasn’t ready to deal with it and work on it head on, then there was nothing she could say to change that.

His next comment allowed her to know that he was done with the conversation. “Ok. I’ll stop talking about it.” She commented, turning away and ambling back over to the seats so that she could pull her dress on over her head. It was the easiest form of clothes for her to wear. Last year she contemplated wearing more pants, but now working herself into them one leg at a time just sounded exhausting. Now dressed and in her flip flops, Brianna was ready to head out. “Thank you for helping with the therapy. I’m okay to head out on my own. You should really think about what you tell your Uncle. If you aren’t handle the pressure now, you won’t make it after you graduate.”

0 Brianna It doesn't seem like it. 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh

February 07, 2013 10:19 AM

I'm just a mess right now. by Josh

She was leaving and Josh wanted to say something, anything, to make her stay. He didn’t want to deal with this on his own, but he knew he had to. Maybe…maybe Brianna could be his person. Her opinion mattered most to him above anyone else, and he wanted to ask her what he should do. He wanted her to make the decisions for him and he would follow. Most of his adolescent life, Josh had been following what he thought Cecilia would want him to do. She had made him a better person, and without her he had been lost. If Brianna left him too, he would have nothing to live for. At least here, right now, he had Brianna.

“Wait,” he said, breaking through his own walls again. She was too far for his outstretched had to reach, but his hand had risen of its own accord. He let it drop back to his side and he walked over to her slowly. “Brianna,” he said, his fingers fisting in his pockets. When he was close enough that he could speak quietly again, he couldn’t look at her. His gray eyes dropped to the floor between them. “Do you…” He looked up, his face pained, his eyes desperate for answers. “What do you want me to do? Tell me what to do.”

This moment felt like the second climax of his life story and he needed her to tell him. If she told him to do whatever he felt, he would be lost again. He had passed the torch on to this girl in front of him, though he didn’t think he would ever have his heart back from Cecilia. Brianna would never know, perhaps, how much Josh relied on her. He put on a façade of being an independent soul, and for a long time he was. He had believed himself to be a lone wolf, but until now, until he had received Cecilia’s letter, he hadn’t realized how much he had invested in Cece’s opinion. And now that she was gone, Brianna had conveniently stepped into her place, perhaps unconsciously.

Josh wanted to give Brianna everything he could, but he had nothing to give now but his help. He could do hard work, he could fight all of her battles, he could protect her as much as he could, but what he was scared of was being unable to protect Brianna from himself. He had stayed away from Cecilia because of his family. He didn’t want his uncles to notice her and kidnap her and do something horrible to her. With Brianna, he feared his bad luck latching itself onto her and he would never forgive himself if that happened.

Maybe it was selfish that he was still staying around her, but he was a selfishly selfless young man. He needed Brianna to tell him what to do and he would do it. She deserved that much and Josh had no one else he’d rather do that for. Once someone had gained his loyalty, he would go to the ends of the earth for them. It hurt him that she could be afraid of him; he never, ever wanted that.

0 Josh I'm just a mess right now. 0 Josh 0 5

Brianna

February 15, 2013 11:11 PM

Aren't we all? by Brianna

Brianna stopped when he called for her to wait, surprised by it. She had assumed he had wanted to get away from her as quickly as possible. He was never one to tell her anything about himself and this afternoon he had spilled his entire life out to her. She knew he had only done it because she had pushed him and he was overflowing with all these thoughts. He had been confused and needed to just say it to someone or else explode. It was only natural that it had been to Brianna. She never saw him with anyone else and she had spilled her guts to him on multiple occasions. He was even the first person her mother had written to when Brianna was in the hospital. Maybe he felt safe with her?

“What?” She asked him, confusedly. He wanted her to tell him what to do? She didn’t understand. This wasn’t her decision to make. He needed to be the one to figure it out for himself. She said nothing for a moment, trying to read him and figure out what it was that he wanted her to say. For over a year now, Brianna had depended on him. First as a lunch buddy, and now as a friend. But looking at him now, maybe he was the one who needed someone all along. He seemed so lost with everything and Brianna wasn’t sure what to tell him.

She had an urge to hug him. It was a foreign feeling and not one that she was quick to administer. She might have, had she not had her crutches and had he not flinched with her last touch, but since those were her obstacles, she remained where she was. Maybe, after some more time, she would feel comfortable enough to do such a gesture, but until then, she would keep her distance.

“I… don’t want you to do anything.” Brianna finally said and then realized that probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “That is, what I want is for you to find a way to get exactly what you want. You don’t have to choose now, Josh. Tell your Uncle whatever it is that you think he wants to hear and then, we’ll figure out what to do from there.” Brianna said, making sure he knew that she’d be there with him. “You shouldn’t feel like you have to give up everything for a family that uses you. I get that it won’t be easy. Maybe it’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, but there was a time when you were willing to fight for it. Find that something again and get back what you deserve. To hell with your family, that’s what I say.”

0 Brianna Aren't we all? 0 Brianna 0 5

Josh

February 20, 2013 4:05 PM

Only a true friend would stick around. by Josh

There was a moment in their conversation that Josh had regretted telling Brianna all that he had, but it was gone when she answered his question. She could never know the power her words had on him right at this moment when he was at a complete loss. All he needed was someone to believe in him, and he knew that he didn't need to look any further for what he needed.

The "we" hadn't gone unnoticed by Josh, and he wondered if it had been an unconscious slip on her part or a real truth. She was his friend and now he would never doubt that. He felt lighter suddenly. It gave him hope again that he knew she admired him, that she wanted him to keep on moving though the path was even darker, and she was offering to be there for him. Of course, he knew he had to do it all on his own, but knowing that Brianna believed in him and believed that there was something still to fight for, it gave him hope. Wanting to do well for Cecilia had been great while it lasted, but he knew now he had been chasing a memory. She would forever be just a memory, but Josh could be okay with that now because Brianna was here. She was real and wanting him to keep fighting no matter the consequences.

He smiled for perhaps the first time that calendar year. "To hell with my family," he repeated, his eyes lit with a new sort of hope. "The path to hell won't be so hard with a friend." Maybe they could keep in touch after they graduated. Maybe she could share with her the potions he experimented with. Maybe one day he could show her the leather album he carried around with him and introduce her to the image of his parents. Maybe one day he could tell her about Cecilia.

Josh hated asking stupid hypothetical questions, but those got out before he could catch himself. His smile was gone now, but it was in his eyes. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "I didn't want to burden you with all this, but thank you for listening. It..." How could he ever really express his thanks in words? "It means a lot." There was nothing else he could say lamer than that, but he had no other words. "Can I walk you back?" he asked as he went to retrieve his bookbag. He slung it over his shoulder and looked over at her, feeling like a huge burden had been taken from him, the spilled canister of potion being soaked up by the magic of the room.

0 Josh Only a true friend would stick around. 0 Josh 0 5