Michael Grosvenor
January 21, 2013 6:55 AM
The End by Michael Grosvenor
It was a less horrible note to end on than the one in the hospital. But still, it was an end. He was a hazard to Brianna's health. That, in itself, was a tough pill to swallow but he was trying to choke it down on top of everything else. He'd barely spoken about what had happened with Brianna. He had gone over mechanical details. The facts of how her health was. But he hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened between them, or his feelings about her being in the hospital. There was no way of telling them about it without reliving the horrible things she had said. And then there was the worry that she was right. He knew he hadn't really done any of the things she'd said but what if he told someone about it and they agreed with her? What if they saw him as Brianna did, not how he saw himself? He couldn't face the idea of alienating anyone else he cared about, or even really of telling them that he had sunk so low in someone's eyes.He sat on his bed, the note scrunched in his hand. He'd just come to grab his books before first period. Now he didn't even care that it began in ten minutes. He stared blankly at the wall opposite. It was over, and he had to push everything he felt about it down to where he'd put all his other feelings away. He had this horrible inkling that one of his feelings was relief. The last nine months had been so hard, and so far beyond what he was capable of dealing with. The part of him that wasn't wracked with self-doubt knew he'd done his best. He'd trekked the entire way across the country to see her in hospital. He was a good guy. It just happened that his best wasn't good enough. And now he was being given a free pass not to have to try any more. But if that really was a good thing, why did he feel like such utter crap?
He was aware of someone coming into the room but he didn't move. He wasn't really sure he knew how to any more. He continued to stare dead ahead. The only way they would be able to make eye contact would be by getting down to level of his face and even then, did it really count as eye contact if the other person was just staring through you? When the person spoke, he just held out the note to them.
“She,” he began, and the effect was like a tiny knock to a very fragile surface. He'd pushed everything deep down inside, wrapped it up tight. But it had been exerting pressure against this shield for some time. In the same way that one blow to a pane of glass sends cracks radiating out in all directions, this final step was too much and everything crumbled. He started to shake with sobs, as all of the hurt started to spill out. And anger too. Brianna had really wound him up but you just couldn't yell at someone when they were in hospital. He wasn't sure he'd have been able to yell at her at any other time either. “It's all such a mess. And I don't even know what I've done, not really. It's just like every single thing I do is wrong. If I ask about her problems, she yells at me to back off because I won't understand. If I don't ask then it shows that I don't care. She acts like everything I do shows I don't care, or is somehow a deliberate calculated move to hurt her feelings. She thinks I lied to her about stuff when I really, really didn't and she just won't accept that. She says we're not friends and never have been. That I've never done anything to show I'm her friend. I always thought she was mine. I work with her all the time. I chat to her. And it's not like she just feels that way about everyone. Josh comes along and she sits with him every meal – she does that. He doesn't invite her. She chooses to go sit with him all the time and somehow that makes him her only real friend. And four years of being friendly, and the fact that I can't be in places like the hall counts for nothing. And the fact that I spent my savings – more than, the fact that I got into debt to my parents to go the entire way across the country and visit her in the frigging hospital doesn't even show her I care. I.... For God's sake! She says I've jerked her around. I tried to ask about Josh, whether he was being a good guy to her, and she goes off on one about me being horrible to Josh along with the fact that being friends with Eris, and now going out with her, somehow makes me a bad person, and that I only go around with Eris to be able rub Brianna's face in it that no one likes her, even though I like her, and Josh took her to the party - I never thought girls would like me and now one does and it should be the best thing ever but it's like she's trying to spoil it. Maybe she's right about not being my friend because if she was, she should be happy for me. Anyway, then I spend the rest of the year trying to do all the things she's said to show her I do care about her too. She winds up in hospital. I visit. She tells me it's ok to come visit, then screams her head off about how much she hates me when I get there. And I know she's in a bad place, so I don't hold it against her. Then she apologises and I think FINALLY we can move on, and then she ditches me as a friend! And I'M the one that's messed with HER feelings?!”
It was amazing that Michael had got as far as he had without becoming incomprehensible. His rant had been punctuated by sobs but now he just dissolved fully, shoulders shaking, not even caring for once that boys weren't supposed to cry.
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Michael Grosvenor
The End
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