Exploring my options [Tag Mr. Row] on Library

Dorian Montoir

August 26, 2019 9:57 AM

Exploring my options [Tag Mr. Row] by Dorian Montoir

Mr. Row's classes were good. As in, they were useful. They gave him a lot of insight into how very little he knew of how the world worked. That was important to know but also terrifying. Dorian had never underestimated the value of hardwork or making good choices, but when it came to life outside of school, those had seemed like very fluffy, far off notions. He had not exactly coasted along, because he was far too conscientious for that, but he had focussed on what was directly in front of him, which had mainly been homework assigments, and had assumed that following this path would lead him by simple, logical steps into his place in the adult world - it was just incremental; you completed harder and harder essays until you somehow, out of that process, were formed into an adult. It had worked for every generation before him, so why not for him?

The trouble was, he wasn't so sure about that any more though. It was hard to see how writing papers on transfiguration theory, however brain meltingly complex, was going to lead to knowing what to do with his life or how to look after himself - or himself and someone else. It felt like there were steps missing, and he wasn't sure whether everyone felt that way or whether it was due to his life's tendancy to abrptly pull the rug out from under him. Or maybe it was unfair to blame those factors... Was it that the path itself didn't make sense, or was it his increasing uncertainty about staying on it that was the real issue?

Either way, he needed more help than he was going to get from one of Mr. Row's quizzes, so he had come to see him during his office hours. He had no idea what his options were, not really, and which of them were realistic, and so he had come to see the person who, hopefully, knew the answers to that. He knocked, and went in when he was invited.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Row. Thank you for seeing me," he stated, with a level of seriousness that didn't suit a fifteen year old in the slightest. He was sitting very stiffly, with rigidly correct posture. What he actually wanted to do was curl up, hug his knees into his chest and protect himself from this alarming conversation. But he knew he shouldn't. And the best way of reminding himself not to was to make sure he sat very correctly. He might have been so stiff and formal as to come across as slightly pompous if it wasn't for one or two tell tale signs... The tension is his body had spilled down into his hands which were gripping the sides of his chair. His wide brown eyes, which he always had trouble to keep his feelings out of, were clearly searching for an answer, even though he had yet to ask a question. He began, not with a direct enquiry about why he was there, but with that most concerning of all meta-questions...

"Are our conversations confidential?"

13 Dorian Montoir Exploring my options [Tag Mr. Row] 1401 Dorian Montoir 1 5

Mr. Killian Row

August 26, 2019 3:57 PM

And scaring your teachers. by Mr. Killian Row

So the problem with being a guidance counselor was that people wanted guidance. With people, checklists and pamphlets just wouldn't do. They needed love, care, attention, and sometimes ambrosia salad (because there were a lot of things that marshmallow salad made better). This was precisely the reason that Killian was drawn to and loved his job, but then sometimes he got questions like are our conversations confidential, and everything became complicated. Still, it wasn't new, and he settled into a more comfortable seat as Dorian came in.

Since his office was a study room in the library, it was much less personal than some of the other professor's offices. Still, he managed his own touches in the stacks of books and notes on the table. Muggle classics, rune studies, and everything in between were piled up together and a briefcase on the floor would open to reveal many more papers than would have been able to fit inside without magic. They outlined colleges and universities, vocational programs, job openings, workshops, and more. He was prepared for almost anything.

Nerves were plainer than anything else in Dorian's posture, a fact which struck a chord of sympathy and understanding in Killian's chest, and the guidance counselor made a point of relaxing into his own chair, offering a posture model should Dorian need something like that to look for. He scratched his beard - as much as it could be called that - and raised an eyebrow.

"That's a good question," he said, his Irish lilt tipping the words from his mouth slowly. He'd gotten into the habit of speaking a bit more carefully since beginning his post at Sonora, with it's massively international reputation and student body.

"All our conversations are confidential, but confidential doesn't mean I won't tell anyone." It was an explanation he had given many times, but he made a point of giving it differently each time so that it never sounded rehearsed or harsh. "If you or somebody else is in danger, then I'll need to tell somebody else that can help. But I wouldn't tell other students or anything like that, and you might be able to be part of that decision if it happens. Anybody I would need to tell would be a safe person, and you can still talk to me about anything you need to talk about.
Does that answer your question? What would you like to talk about?"

22 Mr. Killian Row And scaring your teachers. 1450 Mr. Killian Row 0 5

Dorian

August 27, 2019 9:17 PM

Oh. Let me reassure you... by Dorian

They were confidential but he might tell people. That sounded contradictory but then Mr. Row went on to give a very similar explanation to the one he'd heard previously from Professor Brooding. Dorian nodded slowly, when asked if that answered his question.

"I just want to talk about options for after school," he stated but he sounded both uncertain and upset about this, like the word 'just' might not belong in that sentence. Or like that was all he wanted and yet it might be very complicated to achieve it. "I... I am not so comfortable talking to my parents about this," he added, to explain his desire for confidentiality.

"And nothing dangerous is happening," he tried to assure Mr. Row. "And I know you aren't here to deal with personal problems. It maybe overlaps with that a bit," he forewarned him, because he wasn't really sure he could talk about this without the personal side of his problems coming into it. "But we can try to just be practical. And no one is in danger," he repeated.

He felt a tiny little nagging voice in the back of his head wondering whether that was true. He supposed a lot of that depended on how Mr. Row answered and reacted to his next questions. Was the possibility that he would end up out and having to fend for himself equivalent to 'danger'? But he felt bad for even thinking it. It seemed melodramatic. And he would never have classed his parents as dangerous - he felt he was lacking in proper ren, the Chinese concept of dilligence and respect, as it was, and it was challenging to know how to have a conversation in which he basically admitted to wanting to go against what they wanted.

There was a pile of books on Mr. Row's desk. Dorian didn't recognise the titles, and he sort of wanted to lean over and look through them or ask Mr. Row more about them, because stories were always good things to talk about, and Mr. Row had a very nice voice. Instead of dealing with everything, what if he just shut himself up in here and listened to Mr. Row reading? Why couldn't that be an option?

"I just want to talk about options for after school," he stated again.

"My parents have money. And, in theory, there is money for me - for my future. But... I'm anxious about relying on that. If you leave school, and you need to look after yourself, what does that look like?"

13 Dorian Oh. Let me reassure you... 1401 Dorian 0 5

Mr. Killian Row

August 28, 2019 2:55 AM

Such Reassurance. Much Wow. by Mr. Killian Row

Not wanting to talk to parents was a fairly common thread with the students Killian worked with, but not usually such an explicit one. More often, it was students who wanted to satisfy their parents' expectations and weren't sure how, or students who actively wanted to defy expectations and needed help getting started before they went public with their decisions. He wondered what else there was beneath the surface of Dorian's hesitancy.

His own relationship with his parents was good, and he still visited as often as he could. Of course, they were proud of their boy, their only child. He couldn't imagine having gotten to where he was without that support, not because it was impossible, but because it had shaped a big part of him. He felt wretched for the students who didn't have that themselves, and it was a big part of the reason he'd gotten into this line of work.

"Sometimes personal problems have to be resolved before other things can be taken care of," he acknowledged. "That's okay if they come up, I just might not always be able to help a lot there. I'm happy to talk - this time is your time - and if I don't have an answer, I'll let you know. We can find out who might have an answer, like a healer, or a professor, and then we can figure out how to talk to them." Killian smiled softly at Dorian. He was well aware that he was young for a guidance counselor, and hoped that Dorian saw a little bit of peer support in their time together.

He listened with careful attention, nodding and otherwise showing signs of understanding as Dorian got his words out. At the same time, he was careful not to stare, and made a point of reaching down to cross his ankle over his knee, looking down at his foot to do so.

"So what I'm hearing is that you want to start thinking more about your future, and life after graduation, but you're especially wondering about the kind of support you'll have, and how to earn enough money to survive on your own if you don't have support from your family," Killian said. Repeating back what he understood of what he was being told was an age old technique and one he found genuinely helpful in making sure he and a student were on the same page. There was no use going off after some or another issue, only to find out the student was really worried about some other thing. Besides, sometimes hearing your own concerns from someone else's mouth helped you sort them out.

"I think that's something a lot of people are thinking about right now, and you aren't the only one. It's great that you're thinking about your options." Killian's voice was sincere and warm. His tone smiled, even when his expression was more neutral, and he tried to keep his cautious pride (the same pride he carried for every student who was taking their fate into their own hands) from glowing right out of his face. "Do you have any ideas so far about what kind of work you'd like to do? What do you like to do for fun?"

22 Mr. Killian Row Such Reassurance. Much Wow. 1450 Mr. Killian Row 0 5

Dorian

August 28, 2019 9:28 AM

You're being sarcastic, aren't you? by Dorian

"I talked to Professor Brooding a lot about those things," he informed Mr. Row, because even though they had been informed that he wasn't there to deal with their emotional meltdowns he seemed perfectly willing to give it a go if needed, which was nice of him. Dorian didn't want him to worry though, either that he was going to have to deal with the deeply unattractive sight of a sobbing teenage boy or that, if he didn't, it meant that Dorian had kept all his feelings bottled up. It seemed only fair to inform him of the situation.

"It can't... Some bits don't need changing. And... dealing with some things just has to wait. So, right now there is no more resolving that can be done," he explained, "I just have to wait, and accept that I cannot know some things right now," he stated, and everything from the recited air of rote-learnt patience to the way he was hunching his shoulders suggested that this was an exercise which took concsious effort. It made sense though. The only way that things were going to change was if he told his parents. He had reasoned that doing that before he was seventeen was foolish, as they currently had the power to simply make decisions for him - to pull him out of Sonora, where he was happy and safe, and insist that he attended L'Institut, or to suspend his owl and floo priviledges, meaning he couldn't see or speak to Jehan and his friends. They were adults and could use magic, and he was underage - any attempt to fight back would be futile.

He nodded again when Mr. Row summarised the problem. It was reassuring to hear an adult say it, and in such pleasant, lilting tones. If an adult was saying it, so calmly and clearly, then it could not be ridiculous or impossible. For all that there may have been fewer years between Mr. Row and the seventh years than them and the first years, he was to Dorian undeniably an adult. He had stubble and advice, and he was on the opposite side of the desk and thus past that mystical dividing line that had moved him from clueless child to someone who had it all figured out. And now he was going to help Dorian get there too.

A slight frown furrowed his brow and he pursed his lips at Mr. Row's next remark. He did not frown at the guidance counsellor, because that would have been rude, but directed the expression at his own knees instead. Lots of people might have been thinking about their futures but he highly doubted it was possible that many people were in the situation he was in. He was fairly sure it was unusual for eighteen year olds to need to depend solely on themselves. And Mr. Row was talking about options. It was one thing to be considering all of life's options and quite another to be trying to work out how to survive, or what your pool of opportunities had been narrowed to. He was therefore quite surprised by Mr. Row's next questions.

"What things do I like?" he repeated cautiously. He liked being with his friends and seeing them smile. He liked reading and museums and tea. He liked being his Mama's little bunny and talking Chinese with her, and he liked the thought of kissing boys. People worked in museums. That was almost reasonable. And maybe so was something with languages. He had concluded already that they were probably his most valuable assett. But he held back, holding his enjoyments and his potential skills to himself, not quite yet sure whether it was worth spilling them out onto the table to be examined and appraised.

"Do I have that many choices?" he asked, looking skeptical, "I need things I am qualified to do when leaving school, and that pay me enough to look after myself. Do these even exist, much less have many types to choose between?"

13 Dorian You're being sarcastic, aren't you? 1401 Dorian 0 5

Mr. Killian Row

August 30, 2019 10:12 PM

Only inside my own head. by Mr. Killian Row

Killian smiled, glad that Dorian had other professors he had been going to. He hated to think the lad wasn't coming to anybody until this point in his education. That was a long time to go it alone.

He spread his hands, accepting Dorian's words at face value. "Aye, some things aren't so easy to fix. It sounds like you've got a good attitude, and that's important. And I'm glad you have people you can talk to about things, even if they can't always be fixed right now."

Killian was fairly used to the lack of worldliness among wizarding children, particularly those who came from more prestigious or wealthy backgrounds, but it surprised him somehow coming from Dorian. The young man struck him as kind and knowing. Perhaps he was, even if he didn't know too much about the labor market; that was why Killian was the guidance counselor and his students were not.

Either way, Dorian's questions gave Killian a good idea of where to start, and he took a moment to dig into his bag to find some of the recent job listings he'd noted on boards around Tumbleweed.

"There are lots of jobs to choose from, and there's lots of options for surviving. For one, you don't have to do it alone. You can get a roommate or a couple of roommates and share a place to live. It doesn't have to be someone you are already friends with, but that's easier. You can also find a small flat, and those are usually cheaper. Sometimes, people will let you stay with them in a spare room if you are willing to help with their kids, their farm, or other jobs like if somebody wants a butler. I don't think you'd need to do that though."

Satisfied that he'd retrieved an adequate number of papers, he laid them out on the table between them. "There is a current job opening in one of the bookstores in Tumbleweed, and another in one of the pubs. You'll be too young to work some of these jobs because you have to be twenty-one, but other ones you can do."

Papers with job titles, from store clerk, tutor, babysitter, dog walker, gardener (the fine text suggested they were hiring a second "gardener" who would actually be a de-gnomer), road maintenance staff, hippogriff groomer, and more all peered up from the postings, and Killian tried to see which ones struck Dorian's fancy.

"If you want to stay in school, you can also look at some of the internships in whatever field you wanted to go into. So if you wanted to be a healer, you could maybe get a paid internship at a hospital, or if you wanted to be a teacher, you might be able to get a paid internship working with a teacher, or working as a tutor. If you feel like you have too much freetime or you aren't making enough money, you can get two jobs. These two are at different times," he said, pointing at a weekend-only server position and a weekday-only grounds keeper position.

Killian pushed the papers towards Dorian and sat back in his chair some, giving the lad room to look as long as he wanted and to formulate his questions. In fact, Killian made a point of looking away, turning part way around to check the recent newspapers for additional job listings and giving Dorian room to panic. Most students panicked at this point. They almost always calmed down, but it was nice to have room to make the scared faces, cry, panic, smile, whatever they were going to do without worrying that someone was watching.

When he turned around again, he smiled. "You've got lots of options, it's just a matter of figuring out what you'd like to do. You don't have to know what you want to do forever, maybe just something you'd like to try out for a bit."

22 Mr. Killian Row Only inside my own head. 1450 Mr. Killian Row 0 5

Dorian

September 03, 2019 9:11 PM

I guess I have to allow that by Dorian

Dorian nodded somewhat rigidly. It was odd to hear himself being complimented on his positive outlook when he felt permanantly like he was teetering on the edge of a precipice and was terrified of falling. Apparently, he had either sounded reasonably convincing about being patient or Mr. Row tended towards the generous side when analysing becuse Dorian was sure he was not positive. He nodded though because of the comment that it was good that someone was in his corner. That part was true, at least.

Mr. Row gave him a lot of information and left him to it. He took a deep breath, diving in. He tried to sift the jobs, but felt lost... None of these were things his parents would see fit for him to do. He knew the whole point of this was that he was no longer beholden to their expectations but he wanted to do better than this - for his own sake, for the stimulation of it, and because part of him was still clinging to the idea that maybe, just maybe, if he could be perfect in every other way they would forgive him for liking boys. If he was degnoming gardens as well as living a life of debauchery, he would just be a double disappointment. Anyway, no family that was respectable enough to need gardeners and tutors was going to touch him with a barge poll. Working in a bookshop sounded alright. Maybe not really like a career, but it sounded like something he wouldn't hate... The other main thing he was getting from this was that he was clueless. He assumed, from the nature of the work listed, that these were not great salaries. But what was? He wasn't expecting to live a luxurious life, but for someone who currently had a lot of money, he realised he had very little idea of what that meant. What kind of life came attached to these jobs, and how much better did you need to do for it to make a difference? Even amongst this small selection, there was almost too much to think about, although some of that was external to the jobs themselves and was just around how his head was spinning. He wasn't sure what about him said 'potential hippogryff groomer' and wondered whether Mr. Row was slightly having a joke with that one. But then, he himself hadn't exactly narrowed it down.

"Okay, if I have choices... Not outside, not physical, and not in danger," he listed, gesturing to the gardening and hippogriff adverts which he had pushed off to one side. "I like using my brain, and learning. If... none of this was happening, I would go to college. I guess that now I cannot? Anyway, I don't know what I would study... Maybe I would be here, worrying about this instead," it seemed like it would have been a nice problem to have, and yet he could almost see another version of himself sitting here, feeling that to get that wrong could be catastrophic and worrying about it like it was the end of the world. He wondered whether there was someone who would look at this version of him and think the same - that this wasn't worth the worry. Mr. Row had, admittedly, not told him he would end up homeless, and kept saying he had choices, which he supposed meant it was going better than his worst case scenario. Still, he fept mournful for what might have been. It still felt like he was losing out on a lot of opportunities, and that didn't feel fair when all he'd done was fall in love. 'It doesn't have to be forever' was the most comforting thing he had heard. Maybe, one day, he would still amount to something. "I think I'd be more interested to apprentice. Maybe. I would like a decent career at something, eventually... Are there... are there good subjects to keep if you are not sure where your life will go? People always say Charms and Transfiguration are good, but will it be different if I'm trying to find a job instead?"

13 Dorian I guess I have to allow that 1401 Dorian 0 5

Mr. Killian Row

September 04, 2019 2:15 AM

You have things in your head too. by Mr. Killian Row

"Not outside, not physical, and not dangerous," Killian repeated, considering. He didn't know Dorian particularly well, and this was helpful information. The lad struck him as cautious, both in action and in thought, but not for lack of creativity. In fact, he suspected Dorian's imagination was exactly what bred his caution.

"Why can't you go to college?" Killian asked, cocking his head. "There are financial aid options - the school will help you pay for it so you don't have to worry about that even if your parents won't help you. And you can go to college even if you don't know exactly what you want to do just yet. They help you decide."

He put the ends of his fingers together and leaned against his hands as he considered Dorian with unseeing eyes, his mind focused on the puzzle of the boy's future.

"Good subjects to keep does depend a little on what you're interested in and what your strengths already are. Charms are one of the most common uses of magic, so being good at those is really helpful. However, if you knew you wanted to do something with another field, you might not need to take it all seven years. Charms and Transfiguration are both good, but Transfiguration is a bit more specialized. If you pick a college or apprenticeship program, you can pick subjects based on their requirements so that you're already prepared for their programs by the time you graduate.

"Do you know what you'd like to do an apprenticeship in? You said you talk to Professor Brooding; are you interested in potions? Or in healing, or teaching?" He made a mental note to ask Deputy Headmistress Skies about apprenticeship opportunities at Sonora. "There are always entry-level openings at the hospitals and things like that that we could look into together too. Really, this is about you, but you're not alone. I want to help however I can, and we'll look at all the possibilities together; you don't have to know all the answers just yet."

22 Mr. Killian Row You have things in your head too. 1450 Mr. Killian Row 0 5

Dorian

September 05, 2019 12:57 AM

They're mostly nice when directed at others by Dorian

Why couldn't he go to college? He thought that the answer to that was perfectly obvious but luckily Mr. Row was prepared to provide one himself. Financial aid. Huh. His gut feeling was that wasn't for him - that it wasn't supposed to be, and that he would be taking it from people who deserved it more. He had access to money, after all, just so long as he kept being a good boy. Was it selfish to refuse to play that part and take that support, only to expect someone else to support him instead? But then, moments ago, hadn't he been thinking how it wasn't fair if the world wanted to punish him for being who he was?

"Okay," he said slowly, in response to this, in order to show that he had heard and understood because he wasn't sure he was capable of processing any further opinion on that matter right now. There was, again, what his parents would think about him becoming a charity case. He supposed they might never know. There was a possibility, after all, that they were going to stop speaking to him altogether. "That's good," he added, just as flatly. For someone who had been talking so whistfully of going to college mere moments ago, he was aware that he probably sounded seriously underwhelmed by what he had just been told. His brain was still adjusting to the idea. It didn't yet seem real. He wondered whether other people's money came with as many strings attached as his parents' did.

"No, that's not really why I spend time with her," he shook his head, when he adked about Profeasor Brooding. "She's just good at understanding. I don't think I'd be very good as a healer or a teacher," he added. He felt bad shooting down everything Mr. Row was saying but he was pretty sure he couldn't do a good job at either of those. Healing seemed stressful and was full of stomach-churning things, and teaching was full of children. There would be students like Matthieu, and whilst he was sure they wouldn't beat up their professor, he had no desire to revisit chapters from his hideous childhood.

"I think... maybe the thing that's.... useful, a bit, about me, is the languages. And I like them. And I sort of had- I mean, someone didn't really offer me a job, because I'm - I only was, at the time, fourteen. But this... friend of a friend, she runs a hotel, and she said if I want a job when I'm older, she will have me any time. I know that maybe was just her being nice, but I could be useful somewhere like that. And I like languages, and I would like to be even better in them. I like books and museums too," he added, because the things he'd told Mr. Row so far seemed to have helped, and it was getting less and less scary to admit what he liked when it wasn't being laughed at, and he could see himself how some of those naturally went together.

13 Dorian They're mostly nice when directed at others 1401 Dorian 0 5

Mr. Killian Row

September 05, 2019 1:11 AM

You are worthy of being nice to as well. by Mr. Killian Row

Killian wasn't sure exactly what it was that was plaguing Dorian's thoughts on the topic of college, and he wasn't sure he ought to push. Besides, there were other questions to be answered and it wasn't as if they had nothing to talk about. Dorian wasn't here because he was trying to get into a college, he was here because he was trying to ensure a future for himself, and college didn't have to be part of that if he didn't want it to be or wasn't ready for it to be.

He smiled when Dorian spoke of being a healer or a teacher. "I don't think I'd be good at those either," he offered. "I can talk with students one-on-one, but a whole room full of them at once is much more stressful for me. It's important to know what you like and don't like, so I'm glad you've thought about it a little bit."

Dorian's turn to a more positive topic - that is that he focused on what he did possess instead of what he did not - was much easier for Killian to work with and his head spun at the possibilities. Languages was one of the most helpful tools for a young witch or wizard because so few magic schools actually taught it, which meant that relatively few young graduates actually knew other languages than their native languages, and rarely with any fluency.

"That is great! Would you like to work at the hotel? That's a great option. If you don't want to work there, there are other options. You could work at an embassy, here or in another country, to help witches and wizards who are traveling, or you could be a travel guide. Many of your professors now - Professors Brooding and Hawthorne included - have traveled extensively and would no doubt have appreciated an interpreter to go with them. That does require some training typically, but it can be done in a shorter program if you're already fluent.

You could also work with immigrant wizarding families to help their children prepare for school in a new country with a new language, you could work with schools to help translate materials for students and families, you could be a guidance counselor . . . the list goes on and on!"

For Killian, the hardest thing was always to figure out the best way to show students how proud he was of them. He was proud to have met Dorian, he was proud to have worked with him, he would be proud to see him graduate and move through life, and he was proud to see the minds that Sonora had the honor of instructing. But the balance between guidance counselor proud, big brother proud, father proud, and stranger proud was a tough one to manage.

"You can do anything you want," Killian promised. He'd been told before that he shouldn't promise that - students who weren't skilled at Herbology not become Herbology teachers - but he had found that students never really wanted to do things they were terrible at because it was not any fun anymore. "So now, we figure out what you want to do first. Not what you want to do forever maybe. Just first. I can find some more job listings, talk to some people that I know, and get you that information, or we can do a pretend interview so you get an idea what it's like to apply for a job. Or you can do some research. You can also just take a break, think about it, and we can talk about it again next semester. What sounds good to you?"

22 Mr. Killian Row You are worthy of being nice to as well. 1450 Mr. Killian Row 0 5