You can be the backlash of somebody's lack of love (tag J) on Library

Dorian Montoir

October 30, 2018 7:37 AM

You can be the backlash of somebody's lack of love (tag J) by Dorian Montoir

Dorian sat in the library, with his Transfiguration textbook open to the pages set by Professor Skies. Their homework for today was just reading, and he had arranged to do this in the library with Jehan. He hadn't been sure when making the arrangement whether he really intended for them to study or not. Judging by the way he had read the opening paragraph three times without taking in a single thing about switching spells, he was guessing not.

The promise that he had made himself make by letter was weighing on him. He had promised to tell Jehan. And he still felt that was the right decision. Keeping feelings inside made you feel sick, as Professor Brooding had said. But feeling like talking about it was a good idea was not the same as the prospect being easy, and he was daunted by the thought of the conversation, and all the ways in which it might be horrible or painful or just go plain wrong. He wanted it to be over - he wanted to have had the conversation somehow without actually having to have it. However, he thought that type of temporal fold might be bad idea even for an advanced student, let alone a third year. Messing with time was just... messy. Still, his thoughts indicated a belief that things would be better on the other side of this conversation, and he clung to that faith.

He was not entirely sure that the library was the place he wanted to have the conversation, but everywhere he thought about he found himself finding flaws and he was fairly sure it was not the places themselves so much as the fact that he just didn't want to have the conversation anywhere. There could be no good place to have it because it was not a good conversation to have to have. In some ways, MARS seemed like the obvious choice, their little safe space. But he did not want to bring all this misery and poison into it. And then there was MARS' insistence that they played some form of music. How did one soundtrack the revelation that one's brother was trying to make their life a living Hell? He could not conceive of what piece of music would possibly be appropriate to that. He could not choose, but nor did he want to leave it up to fate by letting Jehan into the room first, and end up with something jarring and incongruous, or something that he liked, which might then end up tainted by association... The obvious drawback of everywhere else was that it was not so private. There was a higher risk of interruption, and there was also the risk that this conversation was going to make him go to pieces. The library was a good compromise on the first point - the library was a safe place for him, and it had its more private little nooks, and he had got there early and found their favourite sofa was mercifully free. With regards to the second point, he had simply decided not to. He was not going to cry about Matthieu. He had managed, over the years, to get some degree of control over his tears to avoid giving Matthieu the satisfaction of seeing him cry. So. He just... wouldn't. A further point in favour of the library was simply that it happened to be where they were, here and now, the first place he and Jehan had found themselves with a degree of privacy since getting back a few days ago. He did not want to do this but it was going to eat away at him until he had, and he wanted to just get it over and done with. It felt like something was physically bound around his chest and his heart. He needed to be able to breathe again, and to feel again, like normal.

He looked up as movement caught his eye, the curly head that had appeared around the corner still raising a smile in spite of everything. Who could resist smiling when they saw Jehan? It was like he was made of sunshine. Dorian's smile did not quite reach his eyes though, and the hug he gave Jehan was different too. It was small and sad. His post-holiday hugs often had a sadness about them, often seemed desperate to find comfort. This was almost careful. Reserved. Dorian wanted nothing more than to fling himself properly into Jehan's arms, to lose himself in snuggles and sweetness, but this did not go well together with his purpose this evening, and he was afraid of losing his resolve. He pulled away sooner than usual, reseating himself on the couch somewhat stiffly. He had set his book aside, still open, when he stood to hug Jehan but now he closed it, belying any idea that he intended to do his homework.

"So," he said, softly and deliberately, addressing the cover of his textbook, "How much do you work out already..." and his voice stayed calm but the fact that it was clearly forced calm further indicated they were not going to be discussing switching spells this evening, "...about.... about me and Matthieu?" he asked, managing briefly to raise anxious eyes to Jehan before asking a point in mid air, "And... Do you want to know?"

13 Dorian Montoir You can be the backlash of somebody's lack of love (tag J) 1401 Dorian Montoir 1 5

Jehan Callahan

November 12, 2018 12:41 PM

Be brave by Jehan Callahan

Jehan loved being at Sonora and spending time with Dorian, Tatya, and his other friends, but for the first time he found himself partially wishing he could be at home, too. This wasn’t something he’d previously experienced - seeing as Victor had already been a student at Sonora when Jehan started, the Aladren had never had anyone at home to miss. This wasn’t meant to mean anything pointed towards his parents; Jehan was sure the feeling was mutual. That was just how things had always been. However, being at home had come to mean something new over the past 8 months: it meant the possibility of going to the bookshop. The bookshop itself had never been quite enough to make Jehan miss his holiday freedom. Time spent in MARS with Dorian, and at the Club of Tongues had made up for that loss. But now Jehan found himself missing the boy who had quickly become a close friend.

The kiss with Oliver had remained just that. Well, okay, it hadn’t stayed at just one kiss, but no relationship had developed from it. Even if Jehan had wanted something labelled and exclusive, it wouldn’t have seemed fair to demand such when they only saw each other for a few weeks a year. Still, Jehan missed their easy friendship, and all the fun new things Oliver had introduced him to. What made it harder was the fact that he had no way to talk about this. He wasn’t quite sure why he hadn’t told Dorian about it, but some instinct had made him think it wasn’t a good idea. Even if the pre-midterm problems had been superficially resolved, things were still more complicated, and Jehan didn’t like that. Before this year, he and Dorian had been so close. Even if they hadn’t told each other completely everything, they had always communicated about times when they were sad. But this year, there always seemed to be something that they weren’t telling each other.

There was one ray of light amongst all this angst, however. Dorian had always been notoriously silent on the subject of his older brother Matthieu. From the snippets of information he had carefully gathered, Jehan knew that Dorian didn’t have a good relationship with Matthieu. At best, Matthieu was a bully, and said hurtful things to Dorian. At worst – and, here, Jehan hoped he was overthinking the situation – Matthieu had something to do with the smell of bruise balm that often accompanied Dorian at the beginning of each term. Nevertheless, a small development on that front had occurred over the Christmas holidays.

Jehan found it so hard to imagine having a hateful older brother. His relationship with Victor had always been the best part of being Jehan, the thing that meant he never wished he wasn’t a Callahan. Despite having emotionally-distant parents, Victor had ensured that Jehan never lacked anything when it came to love. Victor was by turns caring, adventurous, cajoling, sweet, easily embarrassed, indulgent and always, always, over-protective. The two Callahan brothers had very different personalities but, despite this – or perhaps because of this – had always been the most important to each other.

Knowing that Dorian had come so close but had never experienced how brilliant it was to have a proper big brother was heart-breaking. Dorian was wonderful, he was thoughtful and kind and quiet, and he deserved love. Knowing that Matthieu’s treatment of Dorian was likely more than simple indifference was even worse, and Jehan was often filled with the urge to do something about it. He didn’t know what he wanted to do (tell Dorian’s mother, who seemed to love her son so much? Take Dorian away from Matthieu and find some fairy-tale land where Dorian and Jehan and Victor – he couldn’t leave Victor – could live happily ever after? Go for a more direct approach and, forgoing his usual pacifistic tendencies, simply hex Matthieu until he swore to leave Dorian alone?), but more importantly he knew that he shouldn’t do anything, not yet. Ultimately, it was Dorian’s problem and, unless it got worse, Dorian had the right to choose what to do. Unfortunately, Dorian’s preferred tactic had seemed to be not mentioning the issue. Jehan didn’t like to press for more information. You couldn’t force someone to talk, and Jehan hoped that, by leaving it alone, Dorian would eventually feel brave enough to talk to him about it.

It seemed as if that hope hadn’t been wildly unrealistic. In one of his Christmas letters, Dorian had been a tiny bit more forthcoming on the upset caused by his older brother. He had even promised to tell Jehan more about the sadness and problems he was feeling.

Given Dorian’s promise, and the more reserved hug he had been greeted with, Jehan was not entirely surprised when their studying session was rather quickly derailed.

“I…” Jehan paused, not wanting to get the words wrong. It felt almost like he was approaching some woodland animal, fearful of making too sudden a move and thus scaring Dorian away forever. He gathered his suspicions together to form a sentence, reaching out for Dorian’s hand as he did so.

“I know he makes you unhappy,” Jehan said, not wanting to dive straight in with his wilder accusations. “I don’t know what he does to you exactly, but I know he’s mean and that, whatever he says or does to you, he’s wrong.” This last bit was said very earnestly. Dorian was, in fact, perfect, and Matthieu was not allowed to convince him otherwise.

9 Jehan Callahan Be brave 1398 Jehan Callahan 0 5

Dorian

November 14, 2018 9:31 AM

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do by Dorian

Jehan's hand was warm. And it felt right, entwined with his. Not in the new, exciting way, the one that made Dorian want to pull Jehan in and get lost in each other. It was in the old, comforting and familiar way, the one that grounded him, and made him feel safe.

Whatever he says or does to you, he's wrong.

Dorian had still been weighing up what to say, still frightened of trying to explain and getting it wrong somehow. Of failing to make Jehan understand. He still felt self-conscious, listing his numerous defects, as seen by his brother. But Jehan had managed to reassure him, to show him what his reaction would be even before Dorian had properly explained; whatever he said, Jehan would be on his side. He would believe him, and be on his side.

Dorian wanted to say he had never doubted that. He knew Jehan, and if asked, would have sworn any testament asked to his character, would have used his last breath, if needed, to defend him from accusations that he would ever let anyone down. But it had been so hard not to give into doubts in his own head. Or simply to be afraid of venturing into the unknown.

For a moment, he had only been able to squeeze Jehan's hand in silent thanks, a little lost for words and scared that his resolutions not to get emotional might crumble if he spoke too soon. But, fuelled by the assurances that he would be both believed and cared for whatever he said, he looked up, no longer frightened of meeting Jehan's eyes, but drinking in comfort from them. It was hard to find a starting point. It felt like there wasn’t one. There were certain incidents that stood out, memories of first times things had happened, times he had been surprised by Matthieu’s temper and his violence, but most of them felt like a continuation of something that had gone before, something that stretched back as far as as he could remember. And Jehan already knew something already. He found himself, in fact, starting from there.

"Matthieu and I… we have nothing in common. This you know. If it is up to me, I will just... ignore. But he makes it a big problem.

“I am not good enough at anything he expects. Everything I like, or how I behave... It is not right. Proper boys not like poetry. Proper boys not like playing tea with their little sister. Proper boys do not cry or share feelings." He listed them with a grim and mechanical determination. More examples floated through his mind. Proper boys do not like bunnies the most, or still want their peluche when they are seven. That one stood out strongly. After all, it was the first time he could remember Matthieu really hurting him just for the sake of hurting or frightening him… He had always been rough. Always been the kind to press the advantage of his size when they played outside rather than go easy on his little brother. But that had been the first time Matthieu had hurt him as a punishment. "These things... They are for girls. It is... chochotte." He had never looked the word up in English, figuring he would never need to be so hateful in an additional language. He was sure that it was obvious from context, even if Jehan didn't know the particular term.

“He tries… he tries to make me be different. If it is something I like, and he can take it away, he does that. When I am small he… he takes my special things. Or he says he will break it,” the image of Tùtù pushed its way again to the front of his mind. He hated how badly he wanted to cry about that, even though it was so long ago. But, whilst adults, or even teenagers, might develop a certain cynicism about the world, an expectation that of course things are unfair, there is little to match the magnitude with which unfairness and, its resultant, anger can hit a small child when they first encounter it, and it is not easily diminished by the passing of time. And Dorian had the benefit of hindsight - of subsequently having noticed how small seven year olds really were, of having realised that Matthieu was so thoroughly in the wrong. It simply wasn’t fair, and never had been. And that still rankled with the Teppenpaw. “Sometimes he does. I have to learn to hide them. When he cannot take it, he tries instead to make me feel bad for liking it.

“And… sort of it works, and sort of it does not. I don’t stop liking. I don’t change. I not want to be a different person. I want… I want to still be me. But he makes me feel tiny, and weak. And this one is the worst one. Because… if I am different, if I am stronger, he would not do this. Or if he did this, and I am stronger, I would not care so much. But he does do this. He can hurt me. And that makes at least one thing he say about me true, and I hate that so much. I want to stop listening to him. But every time I’m frightened of him, I feel like it is a proof he was right.” And he knew Jehan. And he knew what he would say to that. And so Dorian took a deep breath and said it for him. Said it for himself. “But he’s not,” he almost whispered, and then added, nervously, “right?”

13 Dorian Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

November 20, 2018 4:21 PM

Anything but empty by Jehan

Jehan sat there, silent, and it was one of the hardest things he’d done to date. He wanted to say something, to interrupt Dorian, to refute all of these things that Matthieu had apparently said. Proper boys could like poetry. Proper boys could like playing tea with their little sister. Proper boys do cry and share feelings. The idea that these things made Dorian lesser was ridiculous. These were all little things that were part of who Dorian was, and Jehan would be heartbroken if even one little part of Dorian was taken away. Dorian was perfect, and Jehan wanted to tell him this, wanted to rail against Matthieu, wanted to rant and to find some way to vent this anger that was building up inside him at the thought of someone saying such things and doing such things to his Dorian.
But he didn’t.

He stayed quiet, and he focussed on Dorian’s eyes looking into his, so familiar, so expressive, so beautiful. He focussed on the feel of Dorian’s hand in his, the little squeeze, the way the simple contact grounded and comforted Jehan in the way he hoped it was doing for Dorian. And he focussed on the fact that this was Dorian’s story to tell. It had taken this long for the words to finally spill out and, now that they had, Jehan was not going to risk stopping him. He wanted Dorian to get it all out, the entire story, everything that was hurting him and eating him up inside, and only then would he let himself speak, to reassure Dorian that everything Matthieu said was wrong. Only then would he bundle Dorian up in his arms and never let him go.

His heart hurt for Dorian. It hurt for baby Dorian, having to protect his special things and having to hide them. It hurt for the Dorian who was in front of him now, who still felt that, no matter what he did, his fear meant that Matthieu had a claim to victory, a claim to justification. But finally, finally, Dorian said what Jehan’s brain was screaming at him to say himself. No, Matthieu was not right. Matthieu was further from right than it was possible to get and, finally, Jehan was able to say that himself.

“No, he’s not right, he’s not right at all, and you know that,” Jehan replied, the words almost tumbling over themselves their haste to reassure Dorian. He forced himself to slow his speech rate down. “All these things about you that Matthieu criticises, they’re the things that make you you, and so there’s no way that they can be bad things. You’re wonderful, so he has to be wrong. He doesn’t make sense. And just because he hurts you, that doesn’t mean that you’re weak. He hurts you, and you’ve never given into him, you’ve never changed who you are, and that means you’re strong. Weak isn’t how you feel, it’s what you do.”

Jehan frowned, not quite sure he’d said enough, but he wasn’t sure how best to express all the complicated emotions he was feeling. He wasn’t sure there were even the words for it because, ultimately, no matter how much he insisted that Matthieu was wrong and illogical, and that Dorian was probably the furthest thing away from weak, it wouldn’t matter. What really mattered was that Dorian believed it.

There was, however, another way of communicating that could often be better than words. With a feeling of complete rightness, Jehan reached out to pull Dorian closer to him, and into his arms. He might not be able to say everything he wanted to with words, but he could hug Dorian with all the love he had for his best friend. And hopefully that would go some way towards helping Dorian, towards letting him know that Jehan was always there for him, and towards making Dorian realise that, no matter what Matthieu said or did, Dorian was perfect exactly as he was.

9 Jehan Anything but empty 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

November 23, 2018 8:48 AM

Don't run, stop holding your tongue by Dorian

Wonderful. Jehan had just called him wonderful. Dorian knew Jehan thought highly of him, but it still made his heart soar everytime he said something complimentary. Initially, it had always taken him by surprise. That effect had lessened. Not that he in any way took Jehan’s good opinions for granted or treasured them any less. Just that, with each passing iteration, they seemed more believable. He felt wonderful when Jehan said he was. And, of all the amazing things, Jehan thought he was strong too. Dorian had never believed it possible that anyone would think he was strong - at best, they wouldn’t think he was weak. But what Jehan said made sense… If he had looked at any situation but himself, he would have argued that there was no such thing as bravery in the absence of fear, no chance to demonstrate strength unless you met with resistance. Parts of him still argued, tried to search out all the reasons why it didn’t apply to him. But part of him believed it.

Why had he never told Jehan? Jehan made everything better. He felt Jehan’s arms going around him. He wasn’t supposed to… He was supposed to sort it all out. And once he was safe and warm in Jehan’s arms he wasn’t going to want anything else... But his resistance lasted less than a fraction of a second. He was already allowing himself to be pulled in whilst he told himself he shouldn’t… It felt too much like what he needed right now, and he had no will to resist any form of affection from Jehan.

He searched for something to say, to sum up to Jehan how wonderful he was in return, how he always made everything better. The trouble was, there was only one set of words that adequately summed up everything he was feeling now, and everything else sounded trite and pale in comparison. He breathed Jehan’s comforting smell.

“Sometimes…” he answered, “Sometimes, I know… It’s just… it’s hard to feel like you’re being strong or doing the right thing when… when you spend your time hiding. But sometimes, I just feel like… that is good sense. I want to stand up for the important things but to try to talk to him… He’s never going to change. It’s like shouting with a brick wall. I’m smarter than he is, since as long as I can remember, but it’s never been enough to win. Because he doesn’t listen - like you say, he does not make sense. And.. he is always bigger than me. Stronger.” He wasn’t sure whether Jehan had taken that interpretation from the word ‘hurt’ but he felt that left less room for ambiguity. There was a lot to say, a lot more that had passed between him and Matthieu, but for now it was enough that it wasn’t a secret any more. When things hurt, when they reminded him of things Matthieu had done to tease him, when he was having a bad day because he couldn’t get his brother’s voice out of his head or stop jumping at shadows, he had someone to tell now. Someone who would understand, who would not think he was weak, and would hold his hand until it got better again. Right now, he didn’t want to talk any more about the bad things.

“In the summer… In the summer, I felt good. When I was China, and my grandparents were always having the good opinion of me. And I had been here, with you. And the others. I told him that it was not me with the problem. It was him. It felt amazing.” That had felt like being brave, and he had wanted so badly to tell Jehan all about it. He nearly had but then… everything else had happened. And the realisations about his feelings for Jehan, the fight and the fear that Jehan had stopped liking him, the fact that all of it meant his fight with Matthieu was far from over… “I’m trying not to listen any more. I mostly don’t. But sometimes… sometimes it just gets hard again. A little bit of feeling bad starts and then it turns into a lot. But mostly, mostly it gets better. A lot of that is because I have you. I am glad I did not stop being me. All the things he dislikes… They are the reasons why you do like me. So, if I stopped being me, I would not have you.” He squeezed Jehan tightly, closed his eyes for a moment just pretending that this hug was the only thing happening in the world. That nothing beyond the safe boundary of Jehan’s arms existed or was going to come in and hurt them.

But things did exist. And they might.

With his eyes closed, every rustle behind every bookshelf - which had put him on edge enough with his eyes open - was ten times louder and sounded so much closer. He managed two deep breaths of pretence before his eyes snapped open watching the end of the aisle. This was not private. And he was afraid not only of who might intrude on their privacy but of the potential consequences… The threat that existed inside their relationship, that meant he couldn’t let go when Jehan put his arms around him.

“Jehan,” he said, slowly and reluctantly drawing back from the hug. He wanted to be comforted, wanted to pretend but he couldn’t… He didn’t move so far back that all contact was broken. Jehan’s arms could remain around him, if he wanted them to, but Dorian needed to see his face again, and needed to be in a position that was somewhat less vulnerable.

“I… I might sound like I am talking about something you don’t want me to talk about. But… I think I’m not. Not really. It’s more… more about future things than past things. But… I… I did not understand something you said last year.

“You said… I mean, I will not get your words exactly right but the general meaning… You will run away if I act like you are not real to me with other people. And… and that I did that. And that you want us to be the same whoever else is there. And I don’t know what you mean - you said it all like they follow definitely one from the other, when in my head… It is almost the opposite. With you, I relax. With you, I can be happy and comfortable. I can’t be those things with other people. I mean, with some people a bit - different amounts with different people. But with you… you see so much more than I ever could let anyone else. That’s why you are so special. If someone else came here now, I could not keep talking about… about the things that upset me. Only with you, because I trust you. And I do not think that you really expect that I would continue. But… what is your expectation then? If… If someone walked around the corner now, what would you want me to say or do?”

13 Dorian Don't run, stop holding your tongue 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

November 26, 2018 1:34 PM

Sometimes a shadow wins by Jehan

Hugs did make everything better. Jehan knew he wasn’t the one telling the hard story, but having Dorian in his arms made him feel so much better, made him feel that his friend was safe, and that he could keep Matthieu away forever. He wanted to keep Matthieu away forever.

He let Dorian continue talking, feeling less of an urge to say something now that he was hugging Dorian. The confirmation in Dorian’s words that Matthieu was hurting him physically as well as mentally made Jehan angry, but equally it was hard to be angry when your arms were around Dorian. He was so proud of his best friend for having had the courage to stand up to Matthieu in the summer, the incident only confirming what Jehan already knew: that Dorian was such a strong person, to be able to have that realisation after all he had been through.

“You’ll always have me, for as long as you want me, whatever you’re like” Jehan promised, not wanting Dorian to think that his love and friendship was reliant on Dorian being a certain way. True, he didn’t want Dorian to change, but he didn’t want Dorian to think there were standards he had to meet personality-wise to continue being important to Jehan. “But yes, the things that Matthieu dislikes are the best parts of you, and you should only ever change because you want to. Not because he, or anyone else, wants you to.”

And then Dorian pulled back from the hug slightly, although Jehan was still able to keep his arms around him, and Jehan was confused. Until he realised that Dorian was bringing up the MARS room incident again. Jehan had known that they would have to revisit it, sooner or later. He knew he hadn’t been fair in shutting down Dorian’s right to respond, but at the time he just hadn’t wanted to hear whatever explanation Dorian had come up with. He still didn’t want to hear it, but now he felt that he could bear it. Even if Dorian did want to deny things in front of the rest of the world, Jehan knew he would be hurt but would be able to cope. Time had helped, as had Oliver. Oliver had kissed him in front of a street full of muggles, and Jehan knew that there really was an alternative to hiding how you felt from the world. And Jehan knew Dorian was a very private person. He was torn between trying to respect that, but also not wanting to lie about his feelings for Dorian, not wanting to have to hide their friendship.

“I’m not asking you to tell the world all your secrets,” Jehan reassured Dorian. “If somebody came round the corner now, I wouldn’t ask you to keep talking about Matthieu. But I don’t want our friendship to be a secret. If someone came round the corner now, would you push me away, like you did in MARS that time with Vlad? I don’t want to have to hide what you mean to me, I don’t want to feel like you are ashamed of me because you stop being close to me when other people appear. I don’t want to pretend nothing happened, like you did when Vlad came in the room.”

His heart was in his mouth as he said that, full of fear that Dorian would say yes, he didn’t want anyone to know that he was so close with Jehan, that he didn’t want anyone spreading rumours or something like that. But he held fast to the hope and knowledge that Dorian did care about him, that Dorian would understand how important this was to Jehan.

9 Jehan Sometimes a shadow wins 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

November 27, 2018 4:31 AM

Stared down by the enemy by Dorian

"Forever, please," he requested, when Jehan said he could have him as long as he wanted. Could have him always. Always and whatever he was like. Dorian expressed his thanks for this in the form of tighter squeezing, firmly commiting the words to memory. He had things to do still. Things that needed him to be brave, and he really felt like he didn’t have enough for everything that life seemed to want to throw at him. He wanted to make Jehan write down those words and sign them. Because with Jehan, he thought he might be able to keep going.

He kept this promise in mind as he dived into the MARS conversation.

"I am never ashamed of you," Dorian said, gently but insistently. Jehan had said a lot of things and Dorian had so many thoughts spiralling all over the place but this stood out so clearly as the first thing, the most important. He had hurt Jehan's feelings. And Jehan had said this before, when they first talked this through. But he hadn't let Dorian deny it then, and Dorian wondered whether it had been plaguing Jehan since, the way his worry had been plaguing him. "Never. No one could be ashamed of you. You are the best person in the world. By the time this conversation is finished, we agree things so that I never make you feel that way again. I am sorry. I want never to give you bad feelings."

He considered Jehan's direct question. He did not really need to consider a lot... He knew what the truth was and that he had to tell it. But maybe, if he told it the right way, Jehan would understand. Jehan was good at understanding, and with helping.

"I know what you want the answer to be... And I want to be able to say it. But I don't want to make a promise I cannot keep... I want those things that you said too. I want them so much. And I never want to push away you or hurt you. But it does not mean I trust other people... And those two things fight with each other. What if there is another Matthieu here? I don't want that it all starts here too. I don't want it to happen to you as well as me."

13 Dorian Stared down by the enemy 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

November 27, 2018 7:19 AM

Kept on the inside by Jehan

Dorian hadn’t been ashamed of him. Jehan hadn’t truly thought that would have been the case, but irrational worries were, annoyingly, irrational, and this one had been tormenting him in weaker moments ever since the incident. Despite still being tense about what Dorian might say next, Jehan found that he could breathe a little easier. Dorian wasn’t ashamed of what was between them. Dorian thought that Jehan was the best person in the world (which was incorrect, but it was so nice to hear Dorian say that). Dorian wanted Jehan to be with him forever.

However, his other worries were confirmed by Dorian’s further response. Truth be told, he had known this was coming, that Dorian would feel this way. He wanted to protest, to rail against Dorian’s logic, to say that he didn’t care and that he wasn’t going to hide anything. Jehan would take on twenty school bullies if it meant he didn’t have to pretend or hide. He wanted to point out to Dorian that mean people at school wouldn’t be as bad as Matthieu, because here Dorian had friends to support him, people on his side who would fight back and stand with him.

But he knew that wouldn’t be fair on Dorian. Dorian had been through a lot in his childhood, and was still going through a lot. Jehan’s point of view was not Dorian’s, and he couldn’t tell Dorian what to think. Ultimately, the person who wanted to keep things secret would have to win, because Jehan couldn’t expose Dorian to the world without his consent. Jehan knew that would be wrong, no matter how much he hated the fact that Dorian would act differently towards him in public than he did in private.

There was one silver lining to it all, but it was a silver lining that wasn’t particularly comforting. Jehan had been feeling slightly guilty about being with Oliver despite his and Dorian’s almost-kiss, and had been feeling guilty for not telling Dorian about it. He didn’t regret things with Oliver, and to him they didn’t have any bearing on things with Dorian, but he wasn’t sure that Dorian would see it the same way. However, if Dorian was worried about another Matthieu situation happening at school, then it was evident that nothing would happen between them. The almost-kiss had been unintentional, a one-off situation, and Jehan didn’t need to worry about his two worlds in that way.

Jehan realised that he’d been silent for a little longer than normal, and that Dorian would be waiting for a response. He hoped his face hadn’t shown any of the disappointment and sadness that had gone through his mind.

“I…I understand,” he replied, not wanting Dorian to feel bad about how he had answered. Dorian had told him the truth, and that was the important thing. He would respect what Dorian wanted. “You know that I don’t care about what other people would say, but I don’t want you to be hurt, by me or anyone else, so I’ll respect that and do what you want.”

9 Jehan Kept on the inside 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

November 27, 2018 8:09 AM

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing by Dorian

Jehan was… quiet. Scarily quiet. Dorian was used to knowing everything Jehan was thinking and he didn’t like the feeling that they were on different pages. And normally they agreed, but it kept feeling like he didn’t know whether what he said was going to bring Jehan closer or push him further away. Still, the worst point last year had been when they avoided talking about anything. Talking, however painful it felt, had to get them somewhere, he hoped.

And… Jehan was on his side. Sort of. He was agreeing, but in a way that seemed… defeated. Dorian thought he would say and do anything within his own powers to keep Jehan happy. And that, of course, meant there was a risk that Jehan would do the same…

“I don’t want you to be hurt either. By me or anyone,” he echoed, because Jehan had only referenced Dorian, and this was about keeping both of them safe. And because he had to ask… “So… I am not? Hurting? Jehan, I want to make a plan where you agree because you agree with the principles. Not that you agree only to make me happy whilst you are still not. If this… if this is not a good enough plan, we do better. We find something in the middle.”

13 Dorian Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing 1401 Dorian 0 5

Jehan

November 27, 2018 4:45 PM

I wonder what would happen by Jehan

Why couldn’t Dorian just accept the answer? Why did he have to question further and make sure Jehan was happy, rather than just accepting Jehan’s answer at face value? Then again, Jehan would have done the same, if positions had been reversed. He wanted Dorian to be happy, as proven by the answer he had given.

He was tempted to lie, to say that this was what he wanted and that it would make him happy, but he couldn’t do it. After all the misunderstandings that had happened, he owed Dorian the truth – well, at least some of it. There wasn’t a way of compromising their positions, and Jehan refused to let Dorian do something he wasn’t comfortable with doing. He couldn't be selfish, not for something like this.

“You’re not hurting me,” he confirmed. “I can’t say I agree with the principles, because you know I think differently to you on this. I don’t want to hide us, but more importantly I want you to be happy. I don’t think there’s a middle ground we can find, this isn’t something you can compromise on, and I don’t want to force you to give up your privacy. So we’ll go with what you want, and please don’t feel bad about it. I don’t want you to go along with something you don’t want just to make me happy.”

9 Jehan I wonder what would happen 1398 Jehan 0 5

Dorian

November 28, 2018 8:38 AM

Trying for shades of purple by Dorian

"I...I see middle grounds," Dorian ventured hesitantly. He was confused by Jehan's assertion that they did not exist. There was always middle ground. Extremes took up tiny percentages of space, and middle grounds stretched for kilometres and kilometres between them. He was not immediately told to shut up, or that no one cared what he thought, which was reassuring because finding places where he and Jehan didn't see things the same way was strange and unsettling. It felt uncomfortable venturing into them and saying what he thought in case he made Jehan mad at him, but if there was a way to make both of them feel better, then he wanted to find it.

"So... let us start with the extremes... To... be myself, to take my part in being us and be this... even with interruptions, by any unknown person?" he said it questioningly, still not quite believing he had understood right because it seemed contrary to basic human nature not to keep some things private. "At the other end... Hiding us. I mean, already we are not at that place. " He tilted his head quizzically at Jehan. “You are… obviously not a secret. Everyone knows you are special to me. I cannot explain my day to anyone without mentioning you at least a hundred or so times, or I will have nothing left to say. So…” he looked puzzled. He supposed he had some part of that wrong.

“So… the rest of the space… I mean… Let us line up everyone in the world. Let us say they range from Professor Brooding down to Matthieu - this is not including you. They can both ask me about something. About my day. The one, I will tell… I think anything. Anything except about Matthieu because… that’s complicated. Anyway, the other I will shrug until he goes away. My feelings about my day are not different in either case. Just my feelings about my questioner. And… when you talk about ‘us’ - to be ‘us’ is made up of many different things. There are the things I tell you - personal, about me, the things we discuss - like books and thoughts, the… way we are physical together. You take all those things, and all the other people who might be there and… it is practically infinite combinations of behaviour and interaction. And those… there is much room for change. For difference. I… I just did not realise there was anything that needed to be different. We are not the same in class, in Club of Tongues or in MARS because… it is normal not to be so. But to me, never in a way that was bad - they are just different to each other. And some of the things, you say are alright, like stopping the talking. You want to play a little with some of the lines, we can. Well, it seems like you want to play a lot with those lines. Or burn all the lines, throw them out of windows... I think? But maybe at first, it can be just a little. I mean, I am cautious also of making problems for you. Your brother is here. I know… I know he is not like Matthieu but… Well, Victor and his roommates seem… quite serious. I don’t want to do things that would cause you problems. Or… I did not. You are really saying you would… be like we are in MARS in front of your brother?” he clarified.

13 Dorian Trying for shades of purple 1401 Dorian 0 5