It can get worse...right? on Library

Marissa Stephenson

May 23, 2011 12:23 PM

It can get worse...right? by Marissa Stephenson

In every year, they said, there was That One. That One who couldn’t take it. That One who had just been studying for a little too long, a little too hard, and had a little too little ability, and just, when it came to it, kind of snapped right in the middle of the exams.

Marissa didn’t know about the truth of the legend, but she did know something: if the legend was true, then she was probably That One.

She tried to take some comfort in it not being too bad. She hadn’t run screaming from the Hall or thrown something heavy at her examiner’s head or even tried to throw herself off the bell tower. She’d lost it, but she’d lost it quietly. She was proud of that. Just a clockwork soldier winding down and occasionally jerking a foot, not a big fireworks explosion in the middle of things that disrupted everyone’s day. It was possible that the others wouldn’t even realize she was That One even if someone else in the first group had, without the knowledge of those on the wrong side of the Hall, gone off-course far more dramatically than she could.

At a quiet table in the library, Marissa pressed her face into her hands again to stifle a sob and wiped her eyes again as she looked up. She could still hear her own voice, over and over and over again: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….

Who she’d been apologizing to, exactly, she didn’t know. Maybe her mother. Maybe herself. She was Marissa Stephenson. She did not fail things. Until now. There was something liberating about it, almost, or she thought there was, but if that was true, why couldn’t she stop crying? They’d given her a potion and everything, and she’d come to the library instead of going back to her room specifically because it was a public place and she did not cry in public. Again, until now. Now, the best she could do was cry less, just the occasional hiccup instead of a full-blown sob fest, and be sure she’d already wiped away every bit of mascara she’d been wearing. There was nothing to do about most of it, but she could at least not have black all over her face like some football player.

Her notes and books for tomorrow were spread out in front of her. She couldn’t look at them without feeling such a powerful sense of despair that she couldn’t help but picture a literal black hole inside her chest, or wanting to cry all over again. Potions, that she could at least muddle through, but Transfiguration…there was no point in even taking the exam. No point at all.

The life she’d had, for all practical intents and purposes, was over. She was still here, and would spend the next two years smiling and being helpful and probably getting Head Girl and wouldn’t that be nice, but she’d do it all as a completely different person than the one she’d woken up as this morning, and would probably still be until the day she saw those Acceptables and failing scores on her report over the summer. Being a Good Student was the only thing she’d ever known how to be, and now…now she wasn’t. The only options she could see were to either spent the next two years feeling like this or to find something else to value.

Option two was more sensible. She could see that. The problem was, she had no idea what else it was she was supposed to value. She had been a Good Student, in theory, since she went to her first preschool when she was two, and had no idea what it was that people who weren’t Good Students cared about.

Few things to do occurred to her. One was screaming at the top of her lungs and then going and punching someone in the face. She dismissed that one pretty quickly. It would be hugely satisfying, but she would be so many kinds of dead when she got home to her parents that it wouldn’t even be funny. Her second plan, though, had the potential to work a little better.

Calmly and deliberately, or as calmly and deliberately as someone with red, watery eyes and that slightly blank expression that came after tears could manage things, Marissa picked up her books and notebooks and, one by one, dropped them toward the floor. The muffled bangs were music to her ears. Then she kicked over the ones that had ended up in sort of piles. Then she picked up her Transfiguration book and considered throwing it, very hard, toward the end of the nearest stack, but finally dropped it onto the table instead before following it with her head.

Before she made it between being called in and being in, she had thought that this was going to be the worst day of her life. Now, she wasn’t sure if it was, and she considered that proof enough of loss of identity for it to become worse than it had been by default.

16 Marissa Stephenson It can get worse...right? 147 Marissa Stephenson 1 5

Charlotte Abbott

May 24, 2011 4:10 PM

Yes, actually, it can by Charlotte Abbott

Charlie was exceedingly please she wasn't in fifth or seventh year. She had the haunting memories of her own CATS, and was reliving them vicariously through the lower year, but not by choice. Next year she'd have made her decision about college and her acceptance might be riding on the grades she obtained in her RATS. That was a lot of pressure. This year, however, she had no exams to take at all, and it was a wonderful feeling. Having gotten through all the classes for the day (which, except Fawcett's, seemed to be getting a lot easier in preparation for the summer brain switch-off), the sixth year was in the mood to enjoy her freedom.

Adelita wasn't around, so Charlie headed to the library to find an Aladren to talk to. She couldn't see either Daniel or James at first glance, but maybe they were hiding somewhere. She'd figured out that the entrance to the Aladren commons must be in the library somewhere, so she wandered around a little, but then got entirely distracted fomr looking for her friends by finding Marissa with her head on the table, and books scattered around her feet. This wasn't a good look for anyone, but considering marissa was one of the unenviable fifth years, Charlie supposed it was, on some level, sort of acceptable.

"Hey, Marissa," she said, in a sort of questioning cheerful greeting. "Everything okay here? You've dropped some books and stuff." Charlie couldn't help it that she was in a good mood - she didn't think Marissa was likely to throw a textbook at her for being cheerful, but she supposed she'd find out if she was wrong soon enough.

0 Charlotte Abbott Yes, actually, it can 135 Charlotte Abbott 0 5

Marissa

May 24, 2011 7:24 PM

That's good, then. by Marissa

For one split second Marissa did, indeed, consider the idea that being cheerful was a crime which warranted throwing a book at someone’s head, but there was more to being a serial overachiever than just brains, and part of it was not doing things that drew attention to her in a negative way. A prefect concussing her House’s Quidditch captain would do that. Besides, it wasn’t Charlie’s fault.

“I know,” she said, sitting up. She also knew she looked like a mess. After a second’s thought, she decided she didn’t care. It wasn’t quite not caring about her grades yet, since plenty of people with no dress sense were good students in the technical sense, but it was definitely a step. She had, as far as she could remember or see photographs of, never been seen in public looking much of a mess for longer than it took to get indoors and straightened out in her life. “I failed my practicals.”

She had said she was sure she’d failed something before, but never fully meaning it. She had believed she believed it, but she knew how she’d been thinking then versus how she was thinking now, and there was definitely a difference. There was no corner of her mind that was holding out, sure things would somehow work out for her because she was Marissa Stephenson and things always worked out for her eventually. What she was experiencing now was complete and total acceptance of an undeniable truth.

“I mean, they’re not going to throw me out,” she immediately defended herself, resisting the urge to wipe her eyes again. If they weren’t doing anything odd, that would make it look as though they were. “I can pass the Potions practical tomorrow, and I know I nailed the written exam. But I took it out on my books anyway.”

And now came the feeling silly. She could tell she was starting to flush. At least it cut the despair that had been all-pervasive since she’d left the Hall half a step away from going catatonic. By tomorrow, she might even be able to feel anxiety again.

“Stupid of me,” she summarized, and forced a smile. “I guess finals are going well?” she hazarded, based on Charlie’s initial good mood.

16 Marissa That's good, then. 147 Marissa 0 5

Charlie

May 29, 2011 5:41 PM

It can also get better by Charlie

Marissa claimed she had failed her practicals, and she said it with such conviction that Charlie actually felt bad for her cheerful greeting of just moments ago. She pulled out the chair opposite Marissa, saying, "Oh, it can't have been that bad." She sat in the chair and leant forward over the table towards Marissa, who went on to say she could at least make up her practicals. "I can pass the Potions practical tomorrow, and I know I nailed the written exam. But I took it out on my books anyway."

"But I've seen you in classes," Charlie said, deciding that throwing textbooks around was a perfectly adequate response to a bad set of practical tests. She couldn't recall marissa being especially brillaint at anything, if truth be told, but she could definitely remember her actually doing some of the spells, and that had to be enough to prove she could do sufficient magic to pass her CATS. "You're not awful. You can't actually have failed," she protested, pulling on the sleeve of her blue sweater - a thread was starting to come loose and she'd been steadily making it worse all day. Marissa's distress was apparently infectious, causing the sixth year to pull at the thread without even realizing it. Though it really couldn't be as bad as the fifth year was making out. Charlie was quite often useless in class and managed to pass everything - she even did quite well, actually - so Marissa must have done okay, too.

"Eh, finals are finals," she replied to the query, leaning back again in the chair. "Don't really count for anything, anyway." Her future potential colleges might be interested, she supposed, but as Charlie had yet to pick any colleges - or make any decisions about her post-Sonora life at all, really - she wasn't especially concerned. She had probably passed everything, and that's all that mattered. "But seriously, you can't have failed." Maybe looking for James or Daniel could wait while Charlie calmed Marissa down and maybe helped her study. Then again, maybe Daniel or James would be more help there, considering they were in Aladren and the top two students in just about every class.

0 Charlie It can also get better 0 Charlie 0 5

Marissa

May 30, 2011 9:52 PM

I wish it would. by Marissa

Marissa refused to start crying again in the face of Charlie’s inability to grasp that yes, she had completely failed everything. “I couldn’t even finish, Charlie,” she said flatly. “I just – I don’t know. I cracked up or something. I lost it, and I blew the thing I was supposed to be charming up, and the next thing I know, I’m trying to stop saying how sorry I am long enough to swallow some potion.”

Her face burned just in memory. She had never really believed that things like that happened before – that the stress could just keep going until someone couldn’t handle it anymore, and then it boiled over horribly. She had always been able to handle herself and keep things in order, always. Sometimes she thought she couldn’t, but in the end, she always did, always….

“I mean, I don’t think they can pass you in your fifth year exams when you only showed them you could barely handle the third year spells,” she finished bitterly. “And I don’t know what I’m going to tell my parents, because they still think it's like it used to be, before I came here, that I'm right at the top of the class. They’re Muggles, so they don’t know any different usually, and they don't believe me when I try to tell them it's not good now, but they can read, and my prep book said that the exam results have a score guide on them.”

Maybe she could make a fake, draw something up that would look similar to the real results and which she could switch out on her parents so they wouldn’t realize what a failure she was. Cheating was awful, but it was better than her mother vaguely pretending Marissa had fallen off a mountain in Aspen or something rather than admit she had a second daughter who was completely worthless. And while her parents made a big show of saying that they didn’t care if she and Paige were really the best at everything, so long as they tried their best and all that, Marissa couldn’t believe it. They might even think it was true, but that was just because they had never had to deal with Marissa not really or Paige not on the surface living up to their expectations. She was sure they would want nothing to do with her as soon as they realized what an embarrassment she was.

16 Marissa I wish it would. 147 Marissa 0 5

Charlie

June 04, 2011 6:18 PM

Wish upon a star by Charlie

The more Charlie tried to convince Marissa that she hadn't failed, the more adamant Marissa became that she had. Charlie was fast getting the impression that either she was overestimating Marissa's abilities, or Marissa was seriously underestimating herself. Either way, this 'think positive' approach wasn't working. If Marissa really had blown up an object, and taken calming draught in her exams... well, then it still was salvagable.

"Okay, calm down," Charlie said, leaning forward in her chair and abandoning her sleeve threads to focus fully on Marissa. "Even if it was bad, it's not the end of the world. I mean, there are written papers, and your other subjects to do. You only have to pass one subject to stay on and study, you know." She'd used this fact to comfort herself before her own exams. She didn't really do stress - not the way marissa was doing it, anyway - but she hadn't wanted to leave school after fifth year. She wasn't ready for that big wide world yet.

"As for your parents..." she sighed. Her own parents hadn't cared much about her results, because they were to do with magic. It was different from Muggleborns, because her parents actually knew all about magic, and had made the choice to pretend it didn't exist. In her pre-Sonora days, Charlie had been the youngest and the only girl, and her parents had been super into everything she did. Then she'd decided to come to Sonora, and she supposed she'd ruined that life for herself. If she could go back and do it differently, she wouldn't; being a witch was a big part of who she was, and her parents were going to have to deal with that some day. "You could, I don't know, tell them that your examiner was a harpy or something." She didn't know Marissa's parents, so wasn't sure what would be the best tactic to appease them. "And maybe hide the score guide," she suggested as an after-thought.

"Why do you think it all went so wrong?" Charlie asked after a pause. "Were you just nervous or what?" If it was something she could help with, then the sixth year was resolved to put her friend at ease - she didn't see Marissa much socially, but she liked the younger girl a lot and hoped they were friends. "Is it anything I can help with?" Even if it was just going over study notes, Charlie could dedicate the rest of her day to making sure Marissa was still around to captain the team when she was gone.

0 Charlie Wish upon a star 0 Charlie 0 5