I guess now it's time for me to give up on Library

Tarquin Reynolds, librarian and spinster

June 11, 2006 3:56 PM

I guess now it's time for me to give up by Tarquin Reynolds, librarian and spinster

The feast. It would be full of people. People who were all happy and smiley and chatting, and who hadn't just had their hearts broken. Or possibly done the breaking... It was sort of hard to tell.. He didn't really feel like eating or talking to anyone anyway, especially as part of him was still trying to blame the rest of the world rather than himself, so sitting in his rooms with his misery for company seemed like a far better choice than mingling.

He hadn't really unpacked. The boxes in his private quarters were around him, some open with half the contents pulled out until he'd found what he wanted; his collection of CDs, and stereo (which had a few modifications to make it work at Sonora, of course).

Everything was perfect, or had been. He'd always told himself that he wasn't good enough for someone like Danny, but he hadn't even destroyed it through self-fulfilling prophecy. Danny had wanted to spend forever with him. He might still. Tarquin hadn't driven him away by being whiny or clingy, or making him realise he could do so much better, like he'd always thought he would. It was almost the opposite.

He had already got through 'All By Myself' and 'What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?', and was now listening to 'Back For Good' (which was doubly painful given how much of a fan of 'Take That' Danny was). He sat sobbing, burying his face in the soft folds of the grey cashmere scarf that Danny had bought him for their first Christmas together.

\n\n

13 Tarquin Reynolds, librarian and spinster I guess now it's time for me to give up 1464 Tarquin Reynolds, librarian and spinster 1 5

Kiva Kijewski

June 17, 2006 1:31 AM

Never give up! by Kiva Kijewski

Kiva had finished up with the feast, walked the first years to the Aladren Commonroom, gave her speech, and dealt with any questions the lot of them might have had. All the while, in the back of her mind, Kiva was thinking about getting Oscar back to his Master, Tarquin.

She had picked Oscar back up from the table she had set him on (feeling slightly ashamed at treating him like an ordinary house-cat when he was anything but that) and left the commonroom in search for her only staff friend. "Oscar, you must be hungry if you ventured into Cascade during the feast." Kiva said as she walkd through the shelves of books. "We'll make you a proper feast as soon as we reach Tarquin, alright?" She asked, fully aware that the animal would not answer her in words.

When she reached the front desk to the library, Kiva leaned over the counter trying to see into the office. The door was open, but Kiva couldn't see anything. Taking Oscar with her, Kiva rounded the counter and entered the office. Tarquin wasn't in there either. She frowned.

The door to his quarters was opened enough for a cat to squeeze through. Kiva set the cat down onto the floor and went over to the door. She knocked softly for a moment, pausing to hear a reply. "Tarquin, it's Kiva, are you in there?" She asked through the crack. She leaned in close to the door and finally heard it. Someone was crying.

Worry filled Kiva. She had had enough crying this past year, she certainly didn't want it from her co-workers as well. She pushed open the door and looked around. Spotting Tarquin in tears, Kiva frowned in concern and walked over to him. She placed a comforting arm around his shoulder while the other pat his arm, "Tarq, sweetie, what's wrong? Why're you crying?"\n\n

6 Kiva Kijewski Never give up! 5 Kiva Kijewski 0 5

Tarquin

June 17, 2006 7:35 AM

Got a fist of pure emotion, got a head of shattered dreams by Tarquin

Oscar had thought about slipping away to go back to Tarquin, but had stuck with Kiva to make sure that she came. Even though humans were inferior to cats, it was always easier for members of the same species to communicate, so Kiva would be better at looking after Tarquin. He purred his appreciation as she said she'd sort him out some more food.

In his office, Tarquin had turned the music off when he'd heard the Aladrens coming through. He didn't think they'd have been able to hear it, but he didn't want to risk it. He flopped down on his bed, wondering a little where Oscar had gone.

'Probably out for some food,' he scolded himself, realising what the time was. He was about to get up and prepare Oscar's dinner, when he heard someone calling from the office. Moments later, Oscar had bounded up and was rubbing against him sympathetically, and Kiva had entered the office. He tried for all of three seconds to try and hide the fact he was crying, before he realised she'd seen anyway, so he gave in, leaning on her shoulder and allowing her to comfort him. Although he was a bit embarrassed, and a little scared about talking to her, he found himself glad she was here. He hated to think what would become of him if the only people on the staff were the stiff upper lip types, like Deputy Head Bulla, or like Reiner had been. He'd probably rot away in his office without them even noticing.

"I had a fight with... with someone I care about," he said, half cursing himself for still not being able to tell her the truth when he knew what not telling it cost him, and half telling himself that he was building up to it. "And now I don't know if I'm capable of doing what it takes to make it right, and - if I am - whether it will be enough any more," he explained, his speech hesitant and jerky because of the tears. \n\n

13 Tarquin Got a fist of pure emotion, got a head of shattered dreams 1464 Tarquin 0 5

Kiva

June 23, 2006 4:41 PM

I'm sure those are lyrics by Kiva

Kiva frowned as Tarquin explained his predicament. It was about love. Kiva was not an expert at this sort of thing. In fact, she was fairly certain that females ten years younger than her had more experience in this department than Kiva did. Which was rather pathetic if Kiva allowed herself to think about it. And she never allowed herself to think about it.

Kiva silently listened to him talk and debated with herself on what to say. Having no experience in this department, there was little comfort Kiva could truly give to him. And when it came to advice...Kiva was lacking in that department as well. Why couldn't his problem be something with a family member being ill or dying. At least Kiva had some experience with those.

"Tarq-" Kiva began, her voice was soft and sweet as it usually was. She moved so that she was kneeling directly infront of him in order to see his face. She smiled in a sympathetic way as opposed to empatheic, "I'm sure that'll everything will work out in the end. If you truly care about this person and this person truly cares about you...than you'll be able to get past this fight." Kiva said, hoping that what she was saying was helping him in some way. "Just have a bit of faith in yourself and in your friend."\n\n

0 Kiva I'm sure those are lyrics 0 Kiva 0 5

Tarquin

June 23, 2006 8:00 PM

Yup, as was the title of the first post. by Tarquin

Tarquin shifted, slightly uncomfortably as Kiva talked. She was using non-gender-marked terms. Did she know? Or was she just not sure that the fight hadn't been with a relative, or friend, rather than a lover, so she wasn't assuming 'she' because of that? When she used the word friend - although it was possible that she knew, and was being diplomatic, or was uncomfortable - he screwed up his courage, telling himself that he had to correct her. It wasn't fair to lie to Kiva, and not fessing up wasn't going to bring Danny back. Although he wasn't sure if this would either. He just had to say it.

He mumbled something that squeaked incoherently. Clearing his throat, he tried again.

"Boyfriend," he said, in a very small voice. He wished he was sitting in such a way that he could make sure no part of him was touching Kiva, not even a toe tip. If he already was seperated from her, it didn't count if she moved away. It was stupid, he knew it, but it felt necessary. "It was with my boyfriend."

Although he wanted to curl up and not have to deal with her reaction, a little bit of him felt better, even before he knew what she'd say. He had said it. She knew. Whether she hated him or not, he felt... relieved. He didn't have to feel deceitful any more, or watch which pronouns he used. A part of him felt stupidly inferior, and wanted not to be near her, not to be touching her, but just about managing to shine through that was relief, and the feeling like he'd just done something that made him a slightly better person.\n\n

13 Tarquin Yup, as was the title of the first post. 1464 Tarquin 0 5

Kiva

June 25, 2006 9:47 PM

Didn't notice the first time by Kiva

Kiva continued to smile at Tarq when he seemed to be struggling with his words. She waited patiently for him to say what he needed to say. Patience was something that came naturally to her in all her years of studying animals and in the last few years of being a Professor. However, when the words did come, they weren't necessary the ones she was expecting.

"It was with my boyfriend."

Every muscle in Kiva's body seemed to freeze. Even her smile was frozen on her face. The only indication that she had heard what he had said at all was the slight widening of her eyes, and only someone who was looking directly at her eyes would have noticed such a movement.

So...Tarquin was a homosexual. Okay...no big deal. It wasn't something that Kiva ever gave much thought to. Actually, she never gave thought to such things from any of her coworkers. Probably because that was never an issue in her life. Her parents being the people that they were, being raised in the environment that she had been, Kiva was fairly accepting of anything that was thrown her way. Some of her co-researchers had been for the same sex and it never bothered Kiva. Still, hearing Tarquin tell her had been rather startling for her.

Bit by bit, the information began to piece itself together in Kiva's brain. She must have looked a fool, smiling at him the way she was while her mind worked out the information she had received since she began working here at Sonora. Finally, when the last piece found its rightful place in Kiva's mind, the smile fell from her face and a frown appeared in its place. "A lover's quarrel?" Kiva asked him. The one thing that Kiva had hoped it hadn't been.

She finally gave him the full attention he deserved since he told her who exactly he was fighting with. "With that boy-er-man that I met last Christmas?" Kiva asked, remembering meeting someone who had been in Tarquin's office when she popped in to see if he needed any help. At the time, Kiva had thought she had bothered them and that was why Tarquin had seemed all flustered. But, perhaps now it was because he was worried about the conclusions she might have drawn.

Kiva gave him a friendly grin and stood up, giving her knees a bit of relief. "I'm not exactly sure what your fight was about and, to be honest, I have no experience when it comes to love. However, if you want to talk about it, I'm a fairly decent listener and I'll help if I can." It didn't matter to her if Tarquin was gay or not. His personal life didn't have any effect on her. Besides, at least now she didn't have to worry about whether or not he was flirting with her...or at least, worry that there were any feelings behind the flirting.\n\n

0 Kiva Didn't notice the first time 0 Kiva 0 5

Tarquin

June 26, 2006 8:57 AM

Yeah, it's slightly more subtle... by Tarquin

Oh God. She'd gone silent. Just completely silent. What if she never spoke to him again? She probably wouldn't. Chest tightening, Tarquin chanced a look at her out of the corner of his eye. She was grinning, fixedly. In shock. He watched it slip into a frown. He felt his insides crumple up. And then she started talking. Talking just like... normal. But not like his- not like she was ignoring it, and he hadn't said what he'd just said, but like it was normal.

"You don't mind," he stated, rather than questioned, very quietly, as Kiva talked. "You really don't mind.

"Danny, yeah," he nodded, when she asked about his Christmas visitor. So she had suspected something then? Well... He was soft and subtle enough, but trying to pretend that Danny wasn't gay was no mean feat, given that he practically minced, and frequently squealed.

"The fight was... kind of about this," he said, then realised that only made sense as an explanation if you knew the details. "That I don't feel comfortable telling people. He said it made him feel like I care more about what everyone thinks of me than I do about him. He left to give me some time and space to think, and said to owl him when I was ready. I don't know when he expects to hear from me... I wanted him back the second he stepped out the door, but I felt like he'd just think it was just impulse, and that I hadn't thought anything over. But if I leave it too long, he might... And I don't know what he... expects. What's a good enough answer for him to forgive me."\n\n

13 Tarquin Yeah, it's slightly more subtle... 1464 Tarquin 0 5

Kiva

July 02, 2006 4:29 PM

Can't be subtle with me by Kiva

From his reaction, Kiva could only conclude that he thought she would ostracize him. Throw him into the pits of hell. Find him disgusting. Or maybe just never speak to him again. Kiva paused and looked at him. Did she seem like the sort who would do that? She hoped not. What did that say about her if he truly thought she would condemn him?

Well, at least she got the boy right. During her brief encounter with him, he had seemed nice enough. Not to say Kiva was the best when it comes to judging characters. She listened quietly as he explained the situation to her. Kiva couldn't help but think that Danny had it right. Tarquin certainly didn't feel comfortable with admitting that he was gay.

The frown returned to Kiva's lips as Tarquin continued to talk. It was worse than she had thought. And it was definitely a situation Kiva couldn't understand. "Well, do you?" Kiva asked him when he had finished. "Do you care about what others would think if they knew you were gay? If you told them?" She thought it was the proper step to take when trying to help him with his current situation.

"You seemed worried when you told me. So, in a sense, Danny was right in believing that." Kiva said, she didn't want to upset Tarquin further, but it did seem as though his boyfriend had been correct. "Maybe he expects you to tell people. Maybe that's all he needs for you to prove you're in this for the long haul."\n\n

0 Kiva Can't be subtle with me 0 Kiva 0 5

Tarquin

July 03, 2006 7:06 AM

the few occasions when Simon's subtle, you still bite by Tarquin

"I don't care what they think," he said, after a moment's thought, as he seperated the two aspects in his mind, "Their thoughts can't hurt me. I care what they do as a result of theit thoughts though. I care whether the kids lose the little respect for my miniscule authority they currently have, I care whether people make comments, or hit me or ostracise me, I care whether the parents complain, and I care whether I lose my job. And Danny's wrong that I don't care about him more than I care about any of those things, but I can't just tell everyone, get bullied out of or fired from my job and then move to a new school and do it all again repeatedly.

"And if I did tell people now, after what he's said, I worry he'd think I was just... jumping through hoops to try and get him back - that I'd done it for him, rather than because I really didn't care what people think. He'd probably be right if he did." The words he himself had just used hit him. Even if he was doing it for Danny, surely that still proved that he was the thing that mattered most. Possibly it meant more if Danny knew Tarquin was doing it in spite of being frightened, rather than just because he didn't care.

"Thanks," he smiled at Kiva. "It's sort of clearing up a bit in my head. But... who apart from you can I tell? It's not like I'm friends with anyone else on the staff, or like they seem very liberal and... well, friendly. Plus I can hardly just waltz up to them and announce that I'm gay, can I?" \n\n

13 Tarquin the few occasions when Simon's subtle, you still bite 1464 Tarquin 0 5

Kiva

July 03, 2006 10:32 PM

You did <i>not</i> just go there! by Kiva

Kiva settled into a silence as Tarquin spoke. His fears were justifiable and Kiva couldn't blame him in the least for having them. Perhaps such things have happened to him before which is why he was terrified of it happening now. Maybe that is why he kept this part of himself so closed off it drove away the one person who could share that connection with him. Who understood the most.

And he continued to talk, to argue out why he hadn't told anyone. Why he was so afraid to tell everyone just who he was. She listened so quietly as though she weren't there at all as Tarquin talked. Kiva had never dealt with such a predicament in any aspect of her life so there was little room for advice that she could give him. However, he must have found something in his own words to help him through this because he was suddenly thanking her. Perhaps he found the light at the end of the tunnel?

Kiva smiled at him and gave him a small pat on the shoulder. She was glad he had worked it out for himself, otherwise, she was sure she would have just made matters worse for him. She really should have stayed with the animals. They were far less complicating than humans. "Tarquin, you don't have to tell anyone, but you don't have to hide who you are either." Kiva stated. "I think that if you just stopped being so worried about what other people thi-... of what other people will do than everything will be alright. I'm sure Danny doesn't want to hide in your office when he comes to visit you, it's like you're ashamed. Maybe that's what you ought to work on. Stop hiding." There, she had said it. And now she just hoped he didn't stop talking to her for it.\n\n

0 Kiva You did <i>not</i> just go there! 0 Kiva 0 5

Tarquin

July 14, 2006 8:05 AM

I did, but I'm scared... Can I come back? by Tarquin

"Yeah," Tarquin nodded. The trouble was finding the line between not hiding, and going around shouting about it. And the worry was that Danny would draw the line somewhere different to him. But that was something for the two of them to sort out, and not something Kiva was going to be able to help him with.

"Thanks," he smiled properly, hugging her, "You're such a great friend. If you ever need any advice, come to me? I can't promise I'll no what to do, but I will give you a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear, ok?" he asked, looking her squarely in the eye. He knew she was shy too, and wasn't really likely to take him up on this. But he wanted her to. Her statement that she had 'no experience when it came to love' hadn't gone unnoticed, and he wondered what sort of unhappiness that might be brewing.

"You really have helped, even if you don't see how, so even if you don't see how I'll be able to help, try me, ok? You've got nothing to lose. I'm the last person to think less of anyone, ok?" Perhaps this all sounded a bit melodramatic, but he was simply trying to address all the reasons why he'd avoid going to someone. \n\n

13 Tarquin I did, but I'm scared... Can I come back? 1464 Tarquin 0 5

Kiva

July 29, 2006 6:59 PM

Nope, too late. by Kiva

"Oh!" Kiva said in response to his thanks, distracted by the hug. She hugged him back and patted his back in the hug in a friendly manner. She hadn't expected a reaction like this. Nothing more than a thanks would have been sufficient enough for her to know that she had been of some help, but a hug was even better. She was surprised to find that it was something that she had needed though she kept that to herself. It was Tarq's moment and he certainly didn't need to be bothered with her problems.

"Right, I'll keep that in mind." Kiva said in response. She knew she would never go to him. Not that she didn't trust him or consider him a friend, because she did. It was just...she'd figure out how to deal with her issues on her own. Kiva was an independent woman...or so she liked to claim. And, admitting to someone else how scared she was...no, how petrified she was of her father dying, would mean she would actually have to admit it to herself. She wasn't ready for that just yet.

"I'm glad I helped. I hope things turn out well for you and Danny. Will you let me know how it goes? Even if it's bad, okay? I don't want to have to search you out if you're sad, alright?" Kiva said. She didn't like having found him weeping alone in his room. It didn't seem all that healthy. "You should go eat. Go out and stretch some. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"\n\n

0 Kiva Nope, too late. 0 Kiva 0 5